


New discoveries

by Zidji



Category: Lords of Chaos (2018), Mayhem (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Begging, Crying, Dom/sub Undertones, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, Forced Fingering, Forced Masturbation, Forced Orgasm, Hand Jobs, Humiliation, Kissing, Lust, M/M, Masturbation, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rimming, forced anal sex, forced blowjob
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-01-05 15:27:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 160,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zidji/pseuds/Zidji
Summary: Things are changing in Mayhem and the members of the band are discovering each other in new ways.Dominant!Euronymous & Submissive!Dead





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This starts off at the scene from the movie where Pelle strips of his clothes outside after the party while Øystein watches from the inside. This will be slightly AU where everyone lives and Varg also makes his appearence in the band. So no respect for timelines here! More tags will be added later!

He stared at the naked man in the woods as the confusion spread through his mind.

_...What the fuck is he doing?_

He pressed closer to the window, observing the blond's slim form and letting his eyes roam over his whole frame. Without noticing, his pulse started to rise, and when Dead bent down to pick up his clothes, his lips parted slightly and he licked them unconsciously.

He knew he shouldn't look. He didn't really care whatever the fuck the Swede was doing anyway.

_So why can't I take my eyes away?_

His gaze shot straight towards Dead's ass when the other man stood up and began walking in to the forest.

''Shit...'', he whispered in a slight panic, almost freaking out at the fact that he had instinctively looked at the vocalist's backside, hoping that Dead would turn around so he could see....

''Fuck! Shit! Fuck dude.... what the actual fuck...!'', he cursed loudly to himself at his own thought process.

Angry at this new unwelcome feeling, he knocked over an ashtray close to him.It smashed to the ground, spilling old cigarettes and ashes everywhere. The action made him growl out loud.

_As if it's not filthy enough here!_

''Fuck!'', he swore loudly again and shot one look outside the window.

Dead had completely disappeared now.

''Piece of shit fucker... like, what the hell...'', he mumbled, before throwing himself down on the couch that he had just recently slept on.

As he stared fixated on the dirty table in front of him he thought about what he had just witnessed.

_Un. Fucking. Believable!_

He bit his lip and shook his head slowly. There was no way in hell that he found the blonde Swede attractive.

With a deep sigh, he concluded that it was only the lack of sex and just generally not having jerked off in a while that drove him to stare lustfully at his vocalist. As he nodded approvingly at this, he also agreed with himself that because of Dead's skinny figure and his long hair, it was perfectly natural that his brain would trick his body into thinking he was looking at a naked girl.

Feeling better at the thought, he leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. He was still so fucking hangovered after last night and longed for sleep. Slowly drifting into a slumber he absentmindedly put his hand over his crotch and began stroking softly.

He was horny, and there was no fucking denying that. It had been way too long since he had got any release. Not that he had ever been that interested in sex anyway. He had always had his mind focused on the music and the lifestyle around it. Trying to keep it real.

But now he realized that it had to be months, maybe even a whole year, since he last touched another person, and weeks since he touched himself. He had been too busy with other things, and, besides, this place wasn't exactly making him feel like he wanted to jerk off.

_Until now..._

His hand started to rub harder and he felt himself become more and more aroused. Forcing his mind to think of a girl, any girl really, he took a deep breath and let it slowly out while stroking himself faster. He was only wearing his boxer so it was easy to slip his hand in between the fabric to grasp himself better.

_Fuck, so good...._

He swallowed hard and threw his head back. His hand moved over his cock and he moaned softly.

''Shit'', he whispered at the good feeling.

Moaning again, his mind began to wander and he thought of long blonde hair and a slim body. His heart began racing and he whimpered when he felt himself getting closer to climax.

He shut his eyes tight when the person in his mind leaned against a wall, naked and bent over. His breathing became more erratic when he fantasized about grabbing the thin body and pushing inside a warm, wet heat. He could almost feel the tightness around his own cock and he moaned again when his head was filled with imaginary whimpers after more.

With a last, long stroke of his hand he came hard over himself, while in his mind he emptied his release inside the willing body he was pressed against.

''For fuck sake...'', he panted after his orgasm.

A horrible feeling of guilt and disgust spread throughout his body. He knew that the blonde figure in his imagination wasn't a girl. Far from it.

''...can't fucking believe it...'', he sighed and dragged himself up from the couch.

There was no way he would be able to sleep now so he might aswell go and shower and wash away his sins.

With slow steps he climbed the stairs and made his way into the bathroom.

As he entered, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and it made him feel sick. He didn't want to watch himself so he turned his back on his reflection and stripped off the rest of his clothes before entering the shower.

The water felt amazing and he sighed in pleasure. Drenching his whole body in warmth, he closed his eyes and forced his breathing to calm down.

_...so what if I fantasized about him?..._

_...It's only because I was desperate!_

A sudden image of the blonde Swede, naked and wet here in the shower with him, made his eyes shot open.

''No!'', he almost yelled to himself.

He looked down and saw he was getting hard again. Irritated, he grabbed the shower gel and lathered himself in it.

Suddenly, a new image of the vocalist pressed against the shower wall, moaning in pleasure, begging to get fucked, had him almost throw the shower gel bottle hard on the ground.

_Stop it!_

_I am NOT interested in Dead!_

The thought made him furious and he continued to angry soap in the rest of his body.

As he stroked over his abdomen he cursed himself for even thinking something so shameful as that. 

He was NOT curious about what the blonde man would feel like to touch underneath him...and he certainly did NOT want to know what the Swede would sound like in pleasure...

... _.or how he would moan while being penetrated by two fingers..._

_....how he would spread himself open..._

_...how he would almost sob after release as he was pounded hard by a large cock....._

''No No No!!'', he shouted to no one but himself before hastily rinsing off the soap and almost stumbling out of the shower. 

When he heard the frontdoor slam, he froze midair, and listened to the steps moving up the stairs. It had to be Dead.

_...is he still naked?_

''Fuck off!'', he growled silently to his reflection in the mirror.

The steps moved past the bathroom and disappeared. The vocalist must have gone into his own room and for a second he wondered if the Swedish man was lying on his bed again.

''Don't you dare fucking think about it!'', he said to himself while picturing Dead alone and naked, stroking himself to orgasm.

He almost ran out of the bathroom. It was getting too warm in there and he desperately needed air.

As he stumbled out, he glanced quickly at Dead's bedroom door. It was quiet in there.

_Should I knock to see if he is okay?_

He bit his lip thoughtfully and hesitated. For all he knew, the frontman could have done some serious harm to himself.

_...it wouldn't be the first time..._

Just as he was debating on what to do, the door suddenly opened and Dead came out wearing a black tshirt and a pair of black skinny jeans.

_Too goddamn fuckable..._

With an annoyed look at the other man he stormed down the stairs.

Inside the kitchen, after anxiously waiting for the coffe machine to finish, he heard footsteps approach him slowly before someone said his name in a low voice.

''Euronymous?''

He almost reluctantly turned around with the cup of coffee still in is hand. He did not want to look at the person that had just entered the room.

''What?'', he said, sounding more irritated than he wanted. His eyes didn't rest on the blonde man, instead, they landed on the grey wall behind him.

''Is there any more coffee?'', Dead asked and moved closer to him.

Euronymous nodded before stepping away from the counter. He couldn't help but look at the vocalist now. The other man clearly had only changed his clothes because there was still big traces of black makeup around his eyes that he hadn't bothered to remove. He looked like a mess. A fucking dark hot mess.

_Shut up!_

The voice inside his head screamed at him to get a grip. He silently watched how Dead poured himself a cup before walking out of the kitchen and into the living room.

For a good five minutes all Euronymous did was stare at the floor while slowly drinking his own coffee. The TV sounds from the other room couldn't drown out his own thoughts and he almost dreaded leaving the kitchen. He didn't want to be alone with the Swede.

''God damnit...'', he mumbled before taking a deep breath.

He held it in for a long time, needing to calm down. Slowly he let it out, feeling a tiny bit better. He could of course just go upstairs, but he really wanted to just kick back and watch TV. Besides, it wasn't often that he got the chance to hang with Dead at his own initiative.

He considered them to be good friends, but the Swede had always preferred staying inside his own room; drawing and writing. Euronymous knew the other man had some dark issues so he didn't want to push him out of his comfort zone more than he needed. But he liked Dead and if it wasn't for this fucking situation he found himself in, he would gladly sit down with him in the other room right now.

''Fuuuck'', he hissed, biting his lip.

He walked over to the doorway and looked out at the living room.

Dead was sitting on the couch, drinking his hot coffee. His eyes were glued to the TV but Euronymous had his doubts that the other man were actually paying attention. He could never really tell what the blonde was thinking.

The guitarist tilted his head and looked more intensely at the frontman. He wondered if the vocalist was really watching that lame talkshow, or if he was too caught up in his own dark thoughts right now For all Euronymous knew, the Swede wasn't thinking anything at all. Instead, just feeling.

Feeling hollow, empty, dead...

Euronymous licked his lips and swallowed before taking a step into the other room. He didn't expect Dead to turn his head and look at him, but their eyes met and he almost froze for a second. In his mind, the guitarist saw everything that had happened during the last hour and he knew that he couldn't sit down with the other man right now. Not like this. Not without any fucking cigarettes left.

Just as he parted his lips to speak, Dead looked back at the TV and Euronymous felt his heart calm down once again. He hadn't even realized how tense he had become and how fast his heart had started to beat.

''I need cigarettes'', he finally said, quickly grabbing his leather jacket.

''Okay'', Dead answered.

Euronymous hesitated for a second before asking, ''Do you want anything?''.

Dead bit his lip and Euronymous stared at the action.

''I don't think so'', the Swede finally answered and shot him a small smile.

 _I need to get the fuck out of here_...

He was still picturing the lip bite he had just witnessed.

 _This is too fucked up._..

Euronymous slammed the door behind him. The fresh air felt wonderful and he smiled to himself when the warm sunlight hit his face. On his way to the car he looked at the woods that Dead had been walking around in, naked. He wondered if he should ask what the hell that was all about or if he should just let it be. He knew that Dead loved the woods and that he liked to wander around in them. Why he was naked this time though....

_Just fucking stop thinking about it!_

Euronymous shook his head to get rid of the thoughts and got inside his car so he could drive to the store.

20 minutes later he was back outside the shop with a pack of cigarettes in his hand. He lit one up and closed his eyes when the nicotine entered his body. It felt amazing and just what he needed.

''Alright..'', he muttered to himself, feeling more ready to drive back home now.

As he entered the house again, he was about to slam the door shut before he noticed that Dead had curled up on the couch and looked like he was sleeping. Euronymous quickly grabbed the door so it wouldn't make too much noise and closed it gently instead. He turned around quietly and stared at the other man. He had never seen Dead sleep before and it was almost a surreal look.

Euronymous walked softly over to the chair next to the couch and carefully sat down in it. Had it been any other person sleeping there, he wouldn't have cared about being quiet. But this was a rare moment and a part of him wanted to observe it as long as he could.

He knew the Swede was a troubled sleeper and that he spent a lot of his time just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. He had learned this from the times he had tried to get the vocalist up and out in the morning, and he had found him lying on top of the covers with the same clothes on as the day before.

_Such a fucking depressing sight..._

Euronymous sighed and lit up a cigarette before shooting another glance over at the other man.

_He's actually fucking sleeping...!_

The guitarist couldn't help but smile a little at the sight and he found himself barley wanting to move because he was afraid that the smallest of sounds would wake up the blonde man.

_He fucking needs his sleep..._

Euronymous blinked tiredly and closed his eyes.

 _...and so do I_.

The Norwegian man's eyes shot open at the horrible piercing sound that had interrupted his slumber.

_Fucking phone!_

Frustrated, he saw that Dead was awake too and looking at him in disbelief as if it was his fault that the phone was ringing. Euronymous almost felt guilty because the other man clearly needed more of the good sleep he was just having.

He rubbed his face and ran to the phone.

''What?!'', he asked sharply to the person on the other line.

It was Hellhammer with Necro talking in the backround.

''What the fuck do you want now?'', he asked, still a bit annoyed.

''Sorry man, I know you're probably as fucked up as I am today, but, listen, me and Necro have been working on a new sound, and I don't know about you, but I'm feeling restless ...'', Hellhammer said and Euronymous sighed at the thought of practicing any new music now.

As he listened to the drummer talk, his eyes wandered around the room until they landed on the man on the couch. Dead was just sitting there, staring straight forward with a lost look in his eyes. Euronymous felt an unfamiliar feeling of sorrow when he observed the depressed vocalist. His eyes lingered on the many scars on Dead's arm and he wondered if he had made some new one lately alone in his room, or if he got the release he needed when he cut on stage.

The guitarist almost couldn't tell anymore, there were so many now. A part of him knew that he should stop the Swede. He knew that he wasn't doing Dead anything good by encouraging him to bleed for entertainment. But somehow Dead's brutal stage persona inspired them all to play darker, harder, better.

_...to be real black metal._

He put the phone down after finishing his conversation with Hellhammer and stared silently at the blonde man. Dead didn't say anything, didn't even ask who it was, he just kept looking out into the room.

Euronymous almost didn't want to tell him because he knew that the Swede needed a break from the screaming vocals he performed. However, Hellhammer had insisted that they got together for a small practice just so they could all hear the new material and hopefully work on it.

''Hellhammer wants to practice....he'll be over in 20 minutes.'', Euronymous finally said.

Dead looked like he had been harshly pulled back to reality from whatever deep, dark world he had lost himself in. He stared confused at Euronymous for a second before he gave him one of his half smile, chuckled quietly, and jumped up from the couch.

''Alright'', the vocalist said and was halfway up the stairs when Euronymous asked, ''You feeling okay?''.

The frontman hesitated and the guitarist kicked himself for asking such a stupid, caring question. But Dead just nodded and answered a quick ''Yes'' before disappearing up.

Euronymous sat down on the couch, wondering if Dead was going to come back down again before the others arrived.The couch was still warm from the other mans body and he closed his eyes and leaned his head back.

He pictured himself lying next to the blonde man, holding him, touching him, telling him all the things he wanted to do to him...

''Seriously!'', he almost shouted out loud.

''I have to fucking stop!'', he said in a lower voice and sat up straight.

He needed to stop thinking like this. It couldn't go on.

_''Please...please touch me''_

Dead's voice rang in his ears and he had to swallow hard.

''Fuck'', he whispered just as the Swede came down the stairs again with a bunch of papers in his hand.

Euronymous was glad for the distraction even though he once more didn't really feel like being alone with the other man.

''New lyrics?'', he asked and Dead nodded before handing them over to him.

He spent the rest of the time looking at the new songs before Hellhammer and Necro suddenly slammed the door open. 

The guitarist looked up at the others, ''Dead's got some new shit too'', he said.

''Perfect!'', Necro answered and gestured for them to move upstairs and in to the band room.

For two hours they practiced and Euronymous found himself constantly looking at the vocalist. He drank in Dead's growling voice and his heartwrenching screams. He had always loved the sounds from the blonde, but this time they were starting to make him feel something completely different than before. By the end of the session Dead looked exhausted and Euronymous had to bite his lip from moaning at the sight. He had to get away.

_Fuck morality..._

He needed to jerk off while Dead's screams were still fresh in his mind.

''That's it. I'm done. Out of here'', Euronymous said and walked off.

''Where are you going?'', Hellhammer yelled after him.

''Just give me 15 fucking minutes, huh? I need to get rid of this god damn headache'', he answered.

''Fine, fine, don't be too long because I'm making us all something to eat!'', Hellhammer laughed after him and Euronymous rolled his eyes.

 _If they only knew_....

Finally alone in his room the guitarist locked the door and almost tore off his pants before he threw himself on the bed. He immediately closed his eyes and moaned when he grabbed his cock. Images of Dead screaming filled his mind and he thought of how he had just seen the vocalist growl.

Euronymous stroked his cock faster, he didn't have all the time in the world to fantasize. He tried for a tiny moment to think about girls, but as soon as the Swede disappeared from his mind his erection would falter.

''Fuck'', he moaned and shut his eyes tight.

Dead appeared once again in his fantasy and he thought of how the blonde mans voice at the end had sounded like a long, broken cry.

Euronymous saw himself fucking the screaming Swede. He imagined Dead with his corpse paint on, standing on all four on his bed, voice breaking into a sob as he was forced into submission.

With a growl the Norwegian man came all over himself. He panted hard before slowly sitting up.

He needed to get down to the others again and for the first time today he actually wished he could be alone with Dead. He wanted to watch him, observe every move and sounds the other man made so he could memorize it and make it part of his fantasies. Because there was no way in hell that he would ever make a move on his friend.

_No. Fucking. Way._

_...Right?_

_Yeah right_....

Euronymous jumped out of bed and got dressed before unlocking the door to his room. The smell of food hit him from downstairs and he couldn't wait to eat.


	2. Chapter 2

He smiled at the sight that greeted him in the kitchen. They were all sitting around the table, talking about the upcoming show the next day. Even Dead were eating a toast that Hellhammer probably had made him. The drummer was always the one who made sure they were all eating right and not just living on coffee, beer and cigarettes. Dead didn't say much, but he seemed to take in everything the others were talking about and grinned when they complimented him on his vocal performance. Euronymous couldn't agree more and nodded along to the conversation. He took a toast and sat down on the chair next to the blonde man. He felt strangely nervous sitting beside the Swede. Not because he was afraid of talking to him, but because a part of him wanted to touch him so fucking badly.

Dead was not the type of person at all to initiate any physical contact and Euronymous could only ever remember getting the occasional pat on the back, arm around the shoulder touch from the other man. Not that he had tried to do anything more himself. Everyone in the band new that you didn't hug or pick a play-fight with Dead. The man could go crazy at parties, but even then it was like he was in his own world, running around with a knife, smashing into walls and just generally being drunk and self destructive without having any real contact with the others. The guitarist took a bite of his toast and pretended he was listening to what the others were saying. He watched Dead from the corner of his eye and registered every move the other man made.

''Are you going to bring your knife tomorrow?'', Hellhammer asked Dead after they had all finished eating. Euronymous leaned back in his chair and looked at the Swede.

Dead smiled and nodded, ''Totally'', he said and glanced at the guitarist who caught his eye.

''Alright!'', Necro said enthusiastically.

The others in the band loved Dead's extremism but Euronymous was starting to find it more and more repulsive. Not because the act itself was disgusting, he didn't care about the blood, but because he knew they were all using the blonde man in a way that could create real damage. He knew however that if he talked to the others they would agree with him. They usually did what he told them to when it came to how the band operated.

_I'll talk to them all after the show_

He took another bite out of his toast andconcluded with that tonight would be the last time Dead would cut himself to the extreme.

Euronymous was still holding the Swede's gaze when he threw and arm over the back of his chair and let it almost touch his shoulders. He gave the blonde a short nod that told him he approved of tonight's knife show. 

_Just be careful..._

The guitarist looked at how close his arm was to the other. He wanted run his hand over Dead's back and let it go further and further down....

''I'll see you guys later'', Dead suddenly said before standing up.

They all knew that 'later' meant tomorrow and that the Swedish man would now retreat to his own room for the rest of the day.

_Fuck!_

Euronymous was not happy with that. He had hoped the others would leave soon so he and Dead could be alone. He shifted restlessly in his chair and wondered what time it was anyway. He glanced at the clock and realized that it was later than he thought.

_Maybe I should just go and sleep and get this whole fucking day over with..._

''I'm leaving too. Need to kill this headache once and for all'', he said to the others.

''Yeah, I get it...Not sure when we'll be here tomorrow though, but I'm thinking a few hours before the show or whatever, right?'', Hellhammer said and Euronymous gave him a thumbs up before heading upstairs.

Inside his room the guitarist stripped down to his boxers and got into bed.

''Fucking asshole day...'', he mumbled to himself and wondered what Dead was doing alone right now. He closed his eyes and wished that the Swede was in bed with him.

The next day he was woken by a loud car horn and he stumbled out of bed and looked outside the window to see Necro carrying band equipment into the car.

_Fucking hell...have I been sleeping for so long?_

Euronymous ran over to his closet and pulled out whatever he was going to wear tonight. Downstairs he met Hellhammer in the kitchen who greeted him with a sandwich.

''Shit man, you really are one of God's creation'', the guitarist jokingly said to the drummer and gave the other man a large grin.

''Hurry up and eat'', Hellhammer smiled back and went out to help Necro.

Euronymous hadn't seen Dead at all and wondered where the hell he was.

'Where's our vocalist?'', he asked Hellhammer outside.

The drummer nodded towards the end of the house where he saw the Swede dig up something from the ground. The guitarist raised his eyebrows and looked back at Hellhammer who just shrugged and laughed. Necro came back just as Dead finished digging.

''What the fuck is that?'', he asked the blonde man.

''My stage clothes'', Dead grinned back at him and Euronymous had to smile at the messed up brain of their vocalist.

 _So that's where his clothes went.._.

He chuckled quietly to himself and got into the car so they could drive to their location.

Euronymous couldn't wait to start the show. He was so ready to blast out some real fucking metal to a waiting crowd. Backstage Dead was walking around with a paper bag, smelling its content.

''What's in the bag?'', he said and instantly regretting asking the second the Swede opened it up.

''Inhaling death'', Dead answered with a smirk and Euronymous wanted to throw up at the smell of the dead bird.

''You sick fuck!'', he laughed and gave Dead a pat on the back. He loved seeing the other man smile and the small touch he was able to sneak in filled him with adrenaline and made him even more ready to perform.

Hours later they were all sitting inside a kebab shop, eating and celebrating themselves. Everyone looked like they were having a good time but Euronymous was worried about the blonde man sitting beside him. Dead had pushed the limits this time and the loss of blood was showing.

''How are you?'', he asked, unable to hide his slight concern from his voice.

Dead didn't say anything. He just looked at him like he couldn't believe any of this was real, and just shook his head slowly. Euronymous bit his lip.

''You sure you don't want anything?''.

Dead barley shook his head this time and stared at his bloody arms. They were bandaged with tape and the Norwegian man cringed at the sight. It looked painful as fuck.

''Can you move them?'', he asked.

The other man tried lifting them up but they had become numb with pain.

''No'', Dead finally whispered and Euronymous cursed to himself and knew that they had to clean them up properly as fast as possible.

''I'm taking you home'', he said and Dead looked almost confused at him. The guitarist couldn't blame him. It wasn't like he had ever really cared about this before.

''Guys, I'm leaving with Dead. We need to clean up his shit'', he said to the others and gesticulated to the Swede's arms.

''Seriously?'', Necro asked and Euronymous almost rolled his eyes.

The others didn't say much but nodded in understanding.

''I just thought we would all celebrate by drinking. It's not like he hasn't done this before'', Necro said.

''It's a bit more serious this time. He can't even move his arms'', Euronymous answered irritated.

''Bullshit, you two just want to be alone..'', the bassist joked and the others at the table laughed.

Euronymous wanted to punch him. He knew it was just a joke, but right now, it wasn't funny. It looked like Dead was about to pass out next to him and he couldn't believe the others didn't see it.

''Whatever, lets go'', he said and turned to Dead who tried to get up form his seat.

''Shit'', Necro mumbled when he saw the painful look on the vocalist's face as he pushed himself up from his chair.

Right before Dead almost lost his grip, Euronymous grabbed him and pulled him with him outside.

''See you tomorrow!'', he yelled back at the others.

They got into the nearest taxi and Euronymous had a thousand thoughts and feelings all fighting for a place inside him. His heart was beating fast as he looked at the other man next to him who was sitting with his eyes closed. He knew he had to actually keep his word about cleaning up the vocalist's arms, he just wasn't sure how the fuck he would do it.

_I'll be so close to him..._

The guitarist knew it was wrong to think like that in this situation.

_Oh go to hell..._

He shut off his internal voice of reason and smiled instead at the thought of getting to touch the Swede again.

When the taxi finally stopped at their house, Euronymous paid the driver and helped Dead get out of the car. He supported the other man with an arm around his shoulder and loved feeling the warmth from the Swede's body so near him. Dead had not said one word since they left town and Euronymous wondered if it was because he was in so much pain or if he was just disappearing into his dark thoughts again. For someone who had sliced up his arms he thought that the blonde took it pretty well. Dead didn't show much discomfort at all but Euronymous could only imagine how much his arms must be throbbing in pain.

''Come on'', he said softly to the vocalist and guided him up the stairs and into the bathroom.

Inside, Dead leaned against the wall and Euronymous rummaged through the drawers at the sink to see what they had of bandages. When he turned back around, Dead had slid down the wall and was sitting on the floor. He had one leg pulled slightly up and was leaning his head back with his eyes closed. Euronymous swallowed hard at the sight.

_He looks too god damn good_

The guitarist walked over to the other man and looked at his arms. They were so filthy with dried up blood and dirt.

_...What now?_

He glanced thoughtfully around the room before stopping at the shower.

_God fucking damnit...._

Euronymous knew that was the best solution. Besides, he doubted that the vocalist had even showered at all since the party last night. He unwillingly began thinking about how he had imagined Dead in the there with him yesterday...Naked, wet and begging to get fucked....

_Stop it!_

''Uh, listen, I think it's best if you just get in the shower...'', he mumbled to the man on the floor.

There was no response from the Swede and Euronymous sighed in frustration.

''Come on man! Just...just take of your clothes and get in there so you can clean those fucking cuts!'', he said, sounding more desperate than he wanted to.

Dead just sat there, eyes still closed and arms hanging down by his side. Euronymous knew he wasn't sleeping. It was just the pain, the loss of blood and not to mention the lack of a good night sleep that made the vocalist not bother to react to this whole fucked up situation. The Norwegian man felt his frustration grow as he realized with horror that he would actually have to do all the job himself. Including stripping the frontman of his clothes and help him into the shower.

He breathed in sharply and couldn't believe this was fucking happening to him.

_Should I just leave him...?_

For a second he debated on just closing the door behind him and let the blonde man deal with everything alone.

_It's his own fucking doing anyway!_

_Why should I care!_

''Fuck!'', he growled out in annoyance.

He looked at the scarred arms of the Swedish man and made up his mind.

_Don't think too much, just fucking do it..._

The guitarist took a deep breath and crouched down in front of the Swede. He decided to first take of Dead's shirt before ripping off the grey tape covering the cuts. He didn't look forward to that part at all.

''Okay...so...I'll just...'', he mumbled to the vocalist and carefully slid of the other mans jacket.

''I need to take off you shirt now'', he said and was surprised by the softness in his voice.

Dead barely nodded, still with his eyes closed and Euronymous grabbed the bottom of the top and slowly lifted it up over the blonde's head. He had to bite his lip when he pulled the material from the bloody arms and almost grimaced at how painful it must have been. When he looked up at Dead he saw that the Swede didn't react at all. Euronymous rolled his eyes before taking in the sight in front of him. The vocalist was now half naked and Euronymous had to swallow hard as he wanted so badly to run his hands all over the other mans chest. His heart started to beat faster when his eyes began to wander lower and he actually had to look away for a second when they reached the top of Dead's pants.

_You can jerk off later!_

Euronymous snapped out of his perverted thoughts and instead looked with disgust at the bloody tape he had to remove now. He knew he just had to do it fast and pray for the best.

''Sorry man'', he said and grabbed the first tape before ripping it off.

Dead parted his lips and gave a small gasp. Euronymous waited a second before ripping off the other. This time Dead hissed slightly. Euronymous was thankful for the fact that the tape had at least stopped the bleeding so there was only a little blood that came out now.

The Swedish man inhaled sharply when the guitarist ripped of the first tape on his other arm. When the second one was finally off, the frontman gave a small cry that went straight to Euronymous groin. The Norwegian man knew what the next step was and a part of him couldn't wait do to it.

_I'll leave his boxers on..._

The minute this was all over, the guitarist knew he had to run to his room so he could masturbate to the thought of Dead's naked body again.

Euronymous took a deep breath before laying his hands on top of the Swede's pants. He managed to open the button and pull down the zipper before Dead reacted.

''Stop'', the blonde man said in almost a whisper and moved slightly away from him.

Euronymous looked up and hesitated. When the vocalist didn't say more he carefully grabbed the fabric, ready to take it off.

''Don't!'', Dead said more loudly this time. He tried to get up but his arms wouldn't let him move that far.

Euronymous wondered why the vocalist suddenly cared so much. He narrowed his eyes but took advantage of Dead's weak and helpless state as he got a better grip on the pants and dragged them down the Swede's legs.

''Euronymous don't!'', Dead almost shouted and opened his eyes completely to look at him.

There was a desperation Euronymous had never seen in the other man and it made him curious. Dead sounded almost... embarrassed? Euronymous had to hide his smile when he looked in to the vocalist's eyes.

''Stop it'', Dead said, looking frustrated.

''I have to, it's the only...'', Euronymous answered and stopped mid sentence when he glanced down at his hands.

_Shit_

Dead wasn't wearing any boxers and was completely naked underneath. Euronymous lips parted as he looked at the blonde mans abdomen and he had to think of anything else but the sight in front of him when he felt his own cock starting to get hard.

_If I could just reach down and touch...._

''Just go. Just fucking go'', Dead said and Euronymous saw that the Swede refused to look at him anymore. He was staring at the wall on the other side of the room and there was a slight flush in his pale cheeks. The Norwegian man loved it and wanted to see more.

''It's too late and you know that. Now, get in the shower'', he said and pulled the rest of the vocalist's clothes and shoes off before he could protest much further.

Dead looked like he was trapped inside his worst nightmare.

...m _aybe he is?_

Euronymous didn't think this would embarrass the Swede as much as it did. Not after he had seen him wandering around the woods all naked. But this was a different setting however, and if Euronymous assumptions was correct, this was also probably the closest Dead had ever been to being naked in a more or less intimate way in front of another person.

''Don't loose your shit'', he said and gently helped the other man up. Dead still didn't want to look at him but at least he had stopped complaining.

''I can manage'', the Swede said when Euronymous guided him into the shower.

The guitarist turned on the water and Dead hissed loudly when it hit the wounds on his arms. The vocalist automatically took a step back and almost lost his balance at the pain that shot through him. He fell back and into Euronymous who was still standing safely behind him. The Norwegian man caught him easily and looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

''Just let me fucking help you and we never have to speak of this again'', Euronymous said and let out a breath of relief when Dead reluctantly nodded. He was glad he didn't have to put up a fight and force the other man to except his help.

''Maybe you should sit down, it might be painful...'', Euronymous said and was already helping Dead to the floor of the shower before taking the shower head down so he could control the water.

Dead looked exhausted again and when the warm water sprayed his body he closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. Euronymous thought he had never seen anything hotter and he knew he had to touch.

_This will probably be the only opportunity that I get..._

Putting the shower head down on the ground next to Dead he quickly stripped down to his boxers. Nervous as fuck and with adrenaline pumping through him, he got into the shower, thanked god it was big enough, and moved behind the Swede so he could put his arms around him before he got the chance to escape.

''What are you doing?'', Dead asked weakly and writhed in his arms. Euronymous saw that he was uncomfortable and he couldn't blame him. He had to think of something plausible to say.

''It's just better this way. Your cuts are not looking good so I have to clean them out thoroughly and I can't do that if I sit outside'', he finally said and picked up the shower head.

Dead did not look convinced but before he could say anything more, Euronymous grabbed his arm and carefully let a soft spray of water flow over it. The vocalist breathed hard and pushed his body back against Euronymous as if he tried to get away from the water. The guitarist held him in a tight grip and was determined to get it done properly.

''It's okay...'', he whispered to the Swede and looked at all the blood and dirt that washed away.

Dead had lifted his other arm and when Euronymous let the water linger a bit longer on one spot he felt the vocalist clutch him hard with his free hand. Euronymous had to close his eyes for a second and concentrate on not getting an erection. When Dead let out a small whimper however, he almost cursed out loud in frustration.

''Almost done'', he said instead and felt the Swede tremble slightly.

With gentle movements he let the first arm go and took a hold of the other one.

''You ready?'', he asked and the vocalist nodded.

This time Dead cried out when the water hit his wounds and he buried his face in Euronymous neck. The blonde man trembled hard but Euronymous was surprised that he didn't see any tears. Not that he could see Dead's face that much but he was sure that the vocalist didn't really cry for pain. Before this night, Euronymous wasn't even sure that the Swede could even feel the pain at all when he cut himself. Now however, he could see that Dead definitely was in agony.

_....I wonder if he's ever felt any pleasure before though?_

''That's it'', he said in a strained voice and put the shower head down. The vocalist was still pressed up against him and he could feel Dead's breath on his neck.

_..are we done or...?  
_

He bit his lip hesitantly before stretching his hand up to get the shower gel and the shampoo.

''How are you feeling?'', he already knew the answer but had to ask.

Dead just shrugged and looked down.

''Since you can't move your arms all that much I'm just going to quickly wash your hair and shit'', Euronymous said and felt the other man tense up.

''It's not necessary...'', Dead said in a small voice.

''Yes it is. As long as we live in the same fucking house I want to make sure that I'm not going to be infected by whatever dead animal you insist on keeping in your room''

Euronymous knew that he had to exaggerate a little to make his point seem legit. He expected a bigger protest but Dead just gave a sigh of defeat and leaned slight forward to give better access to his hair. The guitarist wanted to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming.

_....If this is my dream then it's definitely Dead's nightmare..._

He took the shower head and carefully let the water wash over the Swede's head. He loved the long, blonde hair of the other man. It was such a contrast to his own and made his appearance seem more innocent. The Norwegian man softly ran his fingers through it before he started to wash it. Dead didn't say a word but let him do his job, and when he had cleared out all the shampoo he gently pulled the blonde man back so he was once again leaning against him.

Euronymous saw that Dead had clenched his fists together and that his breathing had become uneven. When he lathered up the shower gel and put his hand on the vocalist's chest, Dead arched away and made a small noise of discomfort.

''I have to man'', Euronymous said and almost felt sorry for him. His sympathy vanished soon however when he put the other hand on his chest too and let them both run down over his stomach before moving them up again.

_Careful now..._

Euronymous let his hands roam over Dead's whole upper body but made sure that he avoided his arms. When he reached his stomach area again he almost abruptly stopped and stared. His heart pounded in his chest when he saw that the frontman was half erect.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!_

He looked at the vocalist who had closed his eyes tight and seemed oblivious to his own body's reaction. Euronymous let his now shaking hands stroke slowly over the Swede's stomach. His lips parted and he couldn't take his eyes away from Dead's cock. He graced over the other mans hipbone before he let his hand stroke lightly over his abdomen. With that Dead arched his hips, opened his eyes and paled at the realization of his own reaction. Euronymous could see the devastated look in the other mans eyes. With panic clouding his mind, Dead forgot his painful arms and cried out when they got covered in water again at his desperate attempt to get away.

Euronymous grabbed the humiliated man and tried to hold him down.

''Let me go! Get the fuck out!'', Dead yelled at him and Euronymous knew that his time was up. He had gotten more than he wished for already.

''Calm down. I have to bandage up your arms first'', he said and moved them both up and outside of the shower.

He quickly grabbed a towel and gave it to Dead who covered himself in shame. Euronymous wanted to tell him that it was okay, and perfectly normal to react to any touch and all that shit, but he knew that the Swede wouldn't listen to that crap anyway.

''Give me you arms and I'll get the fuck out as soon as I'm done. I swear.'', he said and knew this to be true. Despite everything he was still so fucking horny and ready to cum.

Dead breathed hard but stuck out both of his arms. Euronymous wrapped the bandages fast around them and fastened them tightly with a pin.

''Okay. So. I'll see you tomorrow'', he said and tried to make it sound causal. Dead just gave a short nod as an answer.

Euronymous hurried out of the bathroom and into his own room. Once inside he sank down on his knees and had to take several deep breaths to calm himself down.

''Oh sit... oh fuck... oh my fucking god...'', he whispered harshly and felt dizzy.

Stumbling over to his bed he realized he had not dried himself off and was still wearing his wet boxer. He quickly got rid of the soaked fabric and lied down. The Norwegian man couldn't wait any longer and moaned loudly when he finally got to touch himself. He didn't last at all this time and came within seconds while thinking about how good it had felt to caress the Swede's naked body.

After his orgasm he lay awake for a long time.

_Did he just have an unwanted reaction...? ...or did he actually like it when I touched him?_

Euronymous shamefully found it all very exciting and he realized he longed to see the blonde man's mortified and embarrassed face again. The thought of humiliating the Swede made him painfully hard and he began fantasizing about forcing Dead to beg for his cock.

_If he won't cry for pain...maybe he will cry for pleasure instead?_

The guitarist could almost taste the other mans tears and he groaned into his pillow when he began stroking his cock, ready for a new orgasm.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Still inside the bathroom, hair dripping wet and with only a towel around his waist, Dead was standing in the middle of the room, staring at the door that Euronymous had just walked out of. His head was in total chaos and he hated every minute of it. With a shaking breath he lowered his gaze down to the floor. His dirty clothes, covered in blood were lying in a pile next to the wall he had less than an hour ago leaned against. Slowly he sank to the ground and looked at his hands. He didn't know how to deal with what had just happened. There were so many new emotions inside him and he wanted to scream at them to go away so he could feel hollow again. He closed his eyes in frustration and longed for the dark emptiness that usually occupied him. That was the only feeling he knew he could handle, and he was okay with that.

_What the fuck am i suppose to do now?_

He KNEW that Euronymous had seen how his body had reacted in the shower. There was no way the guitarist had not noticed, but for what it was worth, he was glad that the other man hadn't said anything about it. He had just helped him with the bandages before almost running out the door.

_Maybe he also felt awkward..._

Dead closed his eyes at the unfamiliar feeling of shame running through his body. He had long ago suppressed emotions like that. He didn't let himself feel anger, sadness or humiliation. Those were feelings of the past... before he died.

The vocalist took a deep breath before standing up.

_Don't think about it._

_Don't think about anything._

He sighed quietly and slowly raised his eyes to meet his reflection in the mirror. He had never had a problem with being naked. Never thought of it as a connection to sex and lust. He knew other people did. But to him, it meant nothing. Until tonight, when Euronymous had taken off his clothes without permission. It was like a switch had been turned on inside him when he felt the guitarist's hands on his pants, ready to take them off. He just knew that this was something that he didn't want....something that felt too fucking humiliating.

Dead stared at his naked chest through the mirror. There were droplets of water slowly making their way from his wet hair down his torso and he followed them with his eyes and swallowed when they reached the towel around his waist. With shaking fingers he unwrapped the material from his body and looked at himself. He almost whimpered in frustration when he saw that he was still half erect.

_Why!?_

He had to look away. He couldn't face himself any longer and began instead to pace in circles around the room as the panic grew inside him. The vocalist couldn't understand what it was with Euronymous' touch that had him react this way. This was the closest he had ever been to another person. He had never found it appealing at all before.

_Why him!?_

_Why now!?_

He had no answers to his questions. The only thing he knew was that when Euronymous had stripped him, held him in his arms and touched his body, he had felt embarrassed but also comforted. It had actually felt so good to be touched with kindness without any hurt.

 _The only pain came from my own bloody arms..._  

He thoughtfully recalled the good feeling of gentle hands stroking his body.

The frontman stopped pacing and looked back at himself in the mirror. He tried seeing himself in a different light.

 _...am I even pretty?_  

He didn't know.... all he saw was his long hair covering his face and his scarred arms wrapped in bandages.

_I can't do this..._

He grabbed his towel again and wrapped it around himself before leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. With quick steps, he walked to his own bedroom and immediately went to get his knife but then stopped himself after remembering that he had already cut his arms enough. He looked desperately around the room in need of something to distract himself with from all these new emotions.

_If I can't cut....what the fuck am I suppose to do then?_

The Swedish man dropped his towel and shivered at the cold air.

_That's it...._

He looked outside his window and stared at the darkness. The rain was hitting the glass and he bit his lip thoughtfully before finding a black band tshirt and a pair of worn out jeans. He couldn't wait to get out and feel the icy rain on his skin. Outside his room he looked at Euronymous bedroom door and felt his heart begin to pound faster.

_Time to feel nothing again..._

He walked fast down the stairs and out into the cold darkness.

He didn't know where he was going or how long he was going to be outside. All he knew was that the further he went into the woods the more wet and cold he became, and from that the numbness was spreading through him, inside and out. He suddenly stopped, closed his eyes and lifted his head. The rain hit him hard and he was shivering all over. He sank to his knees and stayed there for a long time, drifting in and out of reality.

A sudden hand on his shoulder had him snap his eyes open. He wanted to move quickly away but he was so numb from the cold and had a hard time turning fully around. Instead he found himself roughly pulled to his feet and held in a tight grip.

'' For fuck sake'', a voice said right beside him and he recognized it immediately.

''Euronymous....'', he said hoarsely.

''Shut up and come on'', Euronymous cut him off, sounding annoyed.

Dead didn't blame him. It was still dark outside so it was probably in the middle of the night or very early morning.

_Why is he even out here?_

Dead kept his head down, not wanting to look at the other man. He knew the guitarist did the right thing by taking him home, but he was still angry at being pulled away from his quiet place where he could be alone. Now, with Euronymous grip around his arm it was like all the emotions came tumbling back and the only thing he could focus on was how close he was to the other man again. Euronymous almost dragged him all the way back to the house and didn't stop before they were all the way inside.

Safely inside the living room, the guitarist let go of his arm and took a step back before looking at him with raised eyebrows. Dead lowered his eyes and didn't say anything. It wasn't like it was the first time he had gone out wandering alone anyway...

''Shit, look at you. Look at your arms!'', Euronymous sighed and gestured to the wet bandages.

Dead kept looking down at the floor. He shivered slightly from the cold and the action didn't go unnoticed by the other man.

''Take of your clothes'', Euronymous said instantly.

A horrible feeling of deja vu struck him and his heart began pounding hard inside his chest.

_Not again!_

He began to breathe faster as he thought about how he did not want a repeat of what had happened earlier. Feeling frozen in place, he couldn't move from where he was standing. His wet hair and clothes were dripping water down on the floor and he heard how the guitarist sighed in frustration again.

''Seriously Dead! Either you get rid of those wet clothes or I'll do it for you'', Euronymous said threateningly and took a step towards him.

Dead lifted his gaze and looked at the other man who had crossed his arms in front of him. He suddenly felt so small. So insecure. Had this happened before that stupid situation in the shower he would have just walked past Euronymous without caring about how angry the guitarist was. But now....

_What the hell is going on with me?!_

He looked up and into Euronymous' eyes. They were almost impatiently staring back at him. With his eyes cast downwards again, the vocalist raised his shaking hands and began pulling of his tshirt. He was so numb it was hard to get a good grip. When he finally got it off, his arms were hurting real bad and he winced at the feeling.

Dead shot a glance up at Euronymous again who was watching his every move. He held back a small whimper when he lifted his hands so he could open his pants and slide them off.

_Don't think or feel, just do it..._

He stepped out of his last garment before standing naked for the second time in front of the Norwegian man.

A blanket was suddenly wrapped around him and he grasped the material with his shaking hands. He was trembling all over and was unable to speak.

''Come on'', Euronymous said and guided him to the couch.

Dead followed him without hesitation as thought about how commanding the guitarist could be.

_No wonder everyone follows him..._

''Why...'', Dead began with an unsteady voice before he was interrupted.

''Why I was in the woods?'', Euronymous asked before placing himself and Dead down.

The frontman breathed faster when he found himself in the same position as in the shower; leaning back against the guitarist who had his arms wrapped tightly around him.

''Yes'', he whispered, feeling tense.

_Not again...this is too much!_

''I actually wanted to see how you were, with your arms and all you know, and when I couldn't find you in the house I realized that you had gone out'', Euronymous said and pressed Dead closer to him.

''Although I wasn't exactly surprised about it; I still wasn't happy to see you with so little clothes on'', Euronymous continued and placed one of his hands over Dead's chest.

Dead bit his lip. The guitarist's hand felt heavy on his body and he wondered if Euronymous was even aware of what he was doing to him.

''I can't risk you getting sick you know....so I had to get you out of those wet clothes... and since you're shivering so badly from the cold I thought the best way to make you warm was to share my body heat. They say that's a quick way to warm up'', the Norwegian man said calmly.

Dead could only nod to everything the guitarist was saying. He was so uncomfortable that he almost didn't dare to move around. He could feel the warmth from the other mans body behind him and it made him feel dizzy. Despite it all, he knew Euronymous was right; he couldn't get sick now and it was a lot easier to heat up like this than having to go into the shower again. Dead shivered at the thought when he was once again reminded of what had happened in the bathroom.

His breath caught in his throat when Euronymous' hand began stroking over his upper body over the blanket he was wearing. He swallowed and tried to calm himself down, but when the hand moved underneath the soft fabric he arched away from the touch.

''What are you doing?'', he asked nervously.

''Relax. I'm just warming you up. You're ice cold remember.'', Euronymous said and continued pushing his hand inside the blanket before placing it over the Swedish mans naked chest.

''Euronymous don't'', Dead said, feeling extremely uneasy about the situation. He writhed under the other mans touch.

''I told you. I'm only helping. Now, relax'', Euronymous said more firmly before placing both of his hands on Dead's body.

Dead closed his eyes at the sensation of warm hands stroking over him. It felt too good.

_I don't want this!_

The guitarist's hands glided smoothly over his skin and he automatically leaned back into the embrace of the other man.

_Don't touch me!_

_You can't touch me!_

The voice inside his head was screaming at him to get away before he embarrassed himself again. He had to escape from this. If Euronymous saw what his touches was doing to him....

''Don't'', he almost pleaded when the hands moved over his stomach, pushing aside the blanket and exposing him further.

His heart pounded hard inside his chest. The more Euronymous let his hands roam over him the more aroused he felt. It would only be a question of time before the guitarist would see everything. Dead panicked at the thought and when Euronymous' hands graced over his abdomen and made the blanket almost slip away, he became real frightened.

'' No – no! Stop it! Stop!'', he shouted and tried to get away. The humiliation was burning inside him.

''Shh, shh, what did I just say, huh? I know how difficult this is for you but you have to relax'', Euronymous said and grabbed him harder. Dead thought his heart would explode inside his chest.

''You don't understand... I can't....'', he choked out.

 _This can't be happening!_  

He wanted so badly to go out again, to disappear and get away from it all.

''Thing is Dead... I do understand...'', Euronymous half whispered, stroking one of his hand over his chest and further down his stomach.

'' I know that you've never been with anyone. Never had a relationship or been..intimate with anyone. Everyone knows that you don't like being touched..right?.', Euronymous said calmly.

Dead nodded, feeling insecure about the sudden interest in that part of his life.

Euronymous leaned forward and whispered in his ear, ''...but tell me Dead... do you often touch yourself?''.

Dead inhaled sharply. He felt speechless again. Slowly he shook his head as he felt the other mans breath on his neck. 

''Shh, shh, it's okay... I can tell you like it when I touch you, right?'', Euronymous said before ripping the blanket completely off, exposing the blonde mans erection.

Dead instinctively pulled on his arms, wanting to cover himself and winced when the pain shot through them.

''Careful. You don't want to hurt your arms more now do you'', the guitarist said

''Let go of me! Don't touch me again!'', Dead said angry.

He blushed hard and closed his eyes tight, trying to block everything out. When Euronymous once again laid his hands on him he jerked back and tried to move away from the touch.

''Don't'', he whispered. He felt humiliated, angry, frustrated and worst of all scared. All of the emotions he had managed to suppress for so many years. He was now terrified.

''Look at me Dead'', Euronymous said and let his hands wander slowly over his body.

Dead writhed under the touch. He wanted to cover himself up so badly. He couldn't stand the feeling of total helplessness.

_What the hell does he want?_

He closed his eyes, not wanting to look at the person who was making him feel so small and vulnerable. Just how he used to feel when he was younger and bullied by the other kids.

A small gasp escaped his lips when Euronymous put his hands on his thighs.

''Don't close your eyes. Look at me. I want to see you'', the Norwegian man said softly.

Dead opened his eyes and saw how close the guitarist's face was to his own. He looked into the other man's eyes and was surprised to see no anger or hate in them. There was nothing that told Dead that Euronymous wanted to hurt him. He swallowed and parted his lips.

''Let me make you feel good'', Euronymous whispered before leaning down to capture the vocalist's lips.

Dead's heart stopped. At least that was what it fucking felt like. Euronymous moved his lips against his own and forced him to participate. He didn't know what to do so he just let the guitarist take control. For a second he wanted to run away again, but the other man's mouth was so soft against his own and it felt so nice to be held like this. So he let it happen. Their mouths moved together slowly and Euronymous carefully made him open up further. Dead felt himself relax more and more and he whimpered when Euronymous let his hand softly grace over his abdomen before stroking over his chest again.

'' I have to ask...'', Euronymous began, pulling away from the kiss and letting two of his fingers circle around Dead's cock.

Dead lowered his eyes in humiliation at his own body's reaction and his heart skipped a beat when Euronymous stroked gently over his shaft. It made him shudder, and he bit his lip and closed his eyes in shame as he almost whimpered again.

''...have you ever had an orgasm?'', Euronymous finally asked.

Dead froze instantly at the question before panic and frustration settled inside him when he realized that he had never had an orgasm before.

_Freak...._

He blushed as he let the hateful words of the past cloud his mind.

''Just relax... it's okay..... I'll be gentle'', Euronymous said playfully and took a firm grip around his cock.

Dead immediately lost all words. He arched away and whimpered loudly at the touch.

_I can't!_

He wasn't ready for all this. Everything happened too fast.

''No...'', he whispered, never feeling more uncomfortable. He wanted to cut, he wanted to feel pain, he wanted to be in control of his own body.

The hand around his cock started to move carefully and graced over the sensitive head so he grew harder. Shamefully, Dead turned his head into Euronymous neck and closed his eyes as he tried to ignore the touches on his body.The guitarist smiled at the sight, loving the small whimpers that escaped the Swede's lips when he was jerked off faster.

Dead's cock was now fully hard and dripping wet and he parted his lips to let out a shaking breath. Almost soundless whimpers forced their way out at the unfamiliar good feeling that was spreading low in his abdomen. He wanted to sob out loud at the sensation. Instead, he began shaking his head, testing the resistance of the embrace he was caught in.

'' I can't... I can't... no more'', Dead said, pulling at his arms.

''Stop touching me!'', he cried.

Euronymous ignored him and kept on stroking his cock. A hand caressed the frontmans face and he opened his eyes to see Euronymous look at him with a smile.

''I'll stop when you cum'', the other man said and Dead watched him in horror before arching away from him.

''Let me go!'', he cried again

''Shh, shh, I know you feel humiliated and scared. I know this is all so fucking new to you. But you have to realize that I would never hurt you or make you feel any pain. This is all to make you feel good. To show you the pleasure of being close to someone.'', Euronymous said, masturbating Dead faster and harder.

The vocalidt moaned loudly, ''Don't...'', he panted weakly.

''That's it'', the Norwegian man said, continuing to move his hand

Dead moaned again and hated himself for it. He began to writhe in pleasure and whimpered helplessly. ''No – no'' , he sobbed.

''Cum for me now....I know you can do it'', Euronymous said, kissing his neck and biting him softly.

Dead's moan broke into a sob at the new feeling the other man drove out of him.

''Stop... I don't want this...'', he whispered half heartedly.

The pleasurable feeling was taking over his body and before he knew it he was climaxing all over himself for the first time in his life. The guitarist was milking out his orgasm without taking his eyes away from his face. Dead blushed and lost all control as he submitted to the pleasure Euronymous was giving him. He had never experienced anything like this. Over and over again he arched up against the hand that was making him cum while whimpering helplessly. He could feel Euronymous lean over him but he was too shameful to look up. Instead he buried his face against the guitarist neck and sobbed hard. When the orgasm finally died down he felt tired, out of breath and so fucking embarrassed. Even worse; he could actually feel tears stinging his eyes.

_Don't you fucking cry!_

Euronymous slowly lost the tight grip he had on him but Dead was too humiliated to move.

''Was it good?'', the guitarist asked him and the question almost made him break down.

_If you fucking cry now...!_

''Go to hell'', the Swedish man whispered and choked down a sob.

Euronymous moved behind him and he expected the Norwegian man to just walk away and leave him hurt and humiliated.

_Like everyone else..._

The thought made him struggle with the tears that was already threatening to fall. Suddenly the blanket was placed around him again, covering up his naked body. He swallowed and carefully looked at the guitarist who was now standing over him. Dead felt tense, he was ready for the pain he was sure to come.

 _He's going to hit me_...

When Euronymous leaned down however, it wasn't to cause him any pain, but to kiss him gently. He couldn't help but moan quietly against the soft lips.

''I told you I could never hurt you'', Euronymous said, smiling, before walking away and up the stairs.

The vocalist stared after him. He still felt utterly humiliated but also extremely tired. He was becoming more relaxed now that he was alone and he laid down on the couch, not bothering to move upstairs. A part of him dreaded waking up and facing everything that had happened. Another part of him already longed to feel the comforting pleasure that the other man gave him. He thought about how good Euronymous hands had felt wrapped around him and it made him aroused just thinking about how he had climaxed for the first time. He wondered if they would do it again or if this was just a one time thing...

Dead's heart pounded at the thought of kissing the guitarist but he also felt insecure at potentially putting himself at more risk for humiliation. Euronymous had said that he didn't want to hurt him, but he didn't know if he could trust the Norwegian man's words. He had after all forced Dead into submitting to him. Forced his hands on him and forced him to lose control. With mixed feelings of dread and comfort running through him, the frontman fell into a restless sleep, dreaming about strong hands holding him down and touching him all over.


	4. Chapter 4

Euronymous sighed as the warm water ran down his back. A small smile had been lingering on his lips ever since he woke up. He threw his head back so the water could hit him in the face.

''Ah shit'', he murmured, letting a hand slowly grace over his abdomen.

Even though he had jerked off god knows how many times since he left Dead on the couch the night before, he had still woken up with an almost painful hard on. Since he felt so sticky and sweaty he had jumped in to the shower to finish himself off there while thinking about how he had just a few hours ago stroked the blonde vocalist to his first orgasm.

The guitarist moaned at the thought, ''Fuck!'', he cursed, grinning in disbelief at the whole fucked up situation.

_I can't believe I actually fucking did it..._

He remembered how nervous he had been when he told Dead to take his clothes off before wrapping him in a blanket after he had found him in the woods.

_He could have just said no..._

Euronymous shook his head. He would never have forced Dead into anything he truly knew would hurt him. He knew how fragile the Swede was when it came to relations with other people. Even though the vocalist had almost pleaded with him to stop touching him, Euronymous could tell that he didn't mean it. Not really.

 _He could have left if he wanted to, right?_  

Euronymous frowned at the thought.

_Right?_

His heart had been pounding so hard from excitement last night when he finally dared to touch Dead's erection and hear him moan in pleasure. Now, it was pounding again, but from fear this time. He quickly turned off the shower and stumbled out, struggling to get dressed fast enough. What if he had gone too far? What if he had held him too tight? What if Dead really had meant it when he said no? What if he had gone out alone into the woods again? What if he had...?

_STOP IT!_

He had to scream at himself to shut the fuck up.

_Please be downstairs...._

The guitarist almost threw the bathroom door open and ran down the stairs before stopping at the end. A wave of relief flowed through him when he turned his head and saw the other man on the couch with the blanket still around him.

_Oh thank the fuck..._

He sighed loudly and walked over to the vocalist who was staring at the ceiling with a vacant look in his eyes. Euronymous looked at his naked chest and he bit his lip at the thought of licking the skin there. His eyes fell on the Swede's arms and he narrowed his eyes. He knew he had to talk to Dead about the cutting so he carefully sat down on the couch and laid a hand on the blonde man.

''We have to talk'', Euronymous said with a serious voice.

Dead tensed at little at the touch and felt nervous. He didn't want to look at the man in front of him.

_He regrets it...He regrets everything...._

The frontman kept his eyes locked at the ceiling.

_He said he wouldn't hurt me...Bullshit!_

The vocalist could feel himself slowly becoming hollow again.

_Whatever..._

_...I'm dead._

''About the show last night...'', Euronymous continued.

At that, Dead tore his eyes away from the ceiling and looked at the guitarist. Euronymous was staring wide eyed at him, looking almost concerned. Dead narrowed his eyes, wondering what the fuck was wrong with the show. They had been amazing! Even he knew that. The Norwegian man looked like he was struggling with the words before he took his hand and laid it gently on top of Dead's arm.

''I want you to stop cutting'', the guitarist finally said and let out a deep breath.

Dead felt cold.

_Stop cutting?_

_No way..._

He turned his head and stared at the wall on the other side of the room.

_How can he ask that of me?_

''What I mean is...I don't want you to hurt yourself like last night. It was too...much. I just.... I don't know... I just need you to stop almost dying, okay? I don't want that...now I'm not going to tell you what to do, all I'm asking is that you don't cut so deep. Next time. Okay?'', Euronymous stopped talking and looked at Dead. He waited for the Swede to react. He got nothing.

''Come on man!'', Euronymous sighed almost annoyed.

With his eyes still fixed on the wall Dead asked, ''So I don't have to stop?''.

Euronymous rolled his eyes. ''No. You don't have to totally stop. Just be more careful'', he said, stroking the vocalist's hand, ''Just do it for me, okay?''.

Dead turned to look at the guitarist and slowly nodded his head. ''Fine'', he said shortly.

Euronymous narrowed his eyebrows.

_He's not telling me something..._

''What is it?'', the Norwegian man asked gently.

Dead bit his lip, ''I was just worried that I had to stop completely.... I don't think I can do that.... it makes me feel...alive....and in control... it gives me...'', Dead swallowed hard, ''...it gives me release...'', he whispered out the last part.

Euronymous didn't really like what he heard, but he understood the other man. He thoughtfully looked at the vocalist before placing his hand on Dead's chest. Slowly he let it glide over the skin and let it linger over the Swede's heart; it was beating fast.

''I think maybe it's time you find another release. A more pleasurable one.'', he said.

The hand moved further down and stopped when it reached the blonde man's abdomen. It was sticky with old cum and he smiled and looked up.

 _Is_ _he blushing?_

Dead had parted his lips and writhed under the guitarist's touch. It was still so fucking new too him and he kinda wanted to get away. He was not ready to be touched again so soon already.

''Euronymous...'', the Swede whispered, arching slightly underneath the blanket.

Euronymous smiled again at him and removed his hand. He nodded towards the blonde man's arms, ''Think you can manage a quick shower?''.

''Another one?'', Dead asked, frowning.

Euronymous laughed at the look of pure disbelief on the other man's face. ''Yes. Another one. Just to get you all nice and clean'', he said, smirking.

Dead sighed before nodding reluctantly. He knew the guitarist was right. He needed to clean himself off.

The frontman slowly sat up, ''Can't I just use a towel or something? Do I really need a whole shower?'', he asked.

Euronymous snorted, '' Yes you do. You have to get used to showering a lot from now on. Now, get the fuck upstairs and I'll make us some coffee before the others show up'' the guitarist said, standing up.

''Are the others coming already?'', Dead asked, also standing up while making sure that the blanket was still covering him.

Euronymous shrugged, ''Yeah, I guess so. They haven't called or anything, but they'll probably want to talk about last night, you know. Discuss pros and cons about the show and all that''. Euronymous walked over to the kitchen and turned to look at the other man.

''Just be careful with the water, okay? Don't fuck up your bandages again. You don't need to wash your hair, I've already done that remember?'', the guitarist said teasingly and saw how the Swede definitely blushed this time.

Dead watched Euronymous disappear into the other room. He was tired and really didn't want the other guys over. It had been way to much social contact over the last 24 hours and he desperately needed to be alone now. With slow steps he dragged his body up the stairs and into the bathroom. Inside, he let the blanket slip off and absentmindely watched it fall to the ground. His eyes wandered over the room and ended up at the bloody pile of clothes that were still lying in the corner. A feeling of dread floated through him at the sight and he felt nervous going into the shower now. Tearing his eyes away from the clothes, he stepped forward and turned on the water. He really didn't want to do this.

_I can just leave..._

The vocalist breathed nervously as he looked at the door.

Downstairs Euronymous prepared the coffee maker. He knew that Dead probably wanted to be alone today and that was why he hadn't insisted on coming with him in the shower. A huge part of him wanted to though and he closed his eyes and grabbed himself through his pants, feeling horny at the thought of the naked Swede in the bathroom.

_Not now!_

He sighed and stopped rubbing himself. He had to give Dead some time before making a move on him again. Besides, if the other band members really were coming, he did NOT want them to witness anything they shouldn't.

''God damn it'', he growled when he couldn't concentrate on his task.

All he could think about now was touching Dead again. He closed his eyes and imagined how the vocalist's cock had felt in his hand.

''Too fucking good'', he whispered to himself.

He wanted to touch. He NEEDED to touch.

Euronymous quickly finished with the coffee and turned the machine on before heading upstairs. His pulse was racing when he got nearer the bathroom door. He stood outside listening. It was quiet in there. The Norwegian man narrowed his eyebrows and was about to open the door when he heard the shower start. He took a small step back and hesitated before going in.

Inside the bathroom, Dead had stepped carefully into the shower and made sure that his arms was not covered in water. It wasn't the easiest thing to do but after turning the water down and lowering the head he managed to get the stream to only hit his lower back. It still felt nice though and he closed his eyes at the warmth that surrounded him. He slowly turned around so that the water could hit his front. The Swedish man had never felt nervous about cleaning himself but this time it made him feel a bit uncomfortable. Hesitantly he lifted his hand and stroked it over his abdomen. It was full of dried up cum. His cum. He blushed at the thought and let the water wash it away.

Carefully Dead let his hand move down towards his cock and with a small gasp he grabbed himself and stroked one time. He shuddered at the feeling. This was the first time he had ever really touched himself in a sexual way. He could count on one hand all of the erections he had woken up to in the morning during his teenage years, but his darkness and depression had always made sure that he was incapable of doing anything about it.

A quiet moan slipped out from between the vocalist's lips. His hand moved gently over his cock and he threw his head back in pleasure. It was almost like he didn't dare move his hand too fast. Blushing again, he thought of how Euronymous had stroked him last night. The guitarist had jerked him of fast and hard and it was beyond anything Dead had ever experienced. The frontman moaned louder at the thought and stroked himself a bit faster. He was growing harder now, almost fully erect. His other hand was scrambling at the shower wall when he suddenly stilled and let go of his cock.

Just as the pleasure had been building up inside him, the darkness had quickly come to claim him again. When the guitarist had touched him the day before he had not been in control and had been forced to endure the pleasure that was given his body. Now, all alone, he couldn't hold on to the good feelings that wanted to come through.

His dark thoughts had arrived unexpectedly this time though. He was not prepared for them to hit him right now. Just as it was starting to feel nice.

_I should have known_

He looked miserable down at the ground.

 _Get me out of here!_  

The vocalist turned around, ready to leave the shower and run into the woods again, when he jumped back in surprise.

''Don't stop'', Euronymous said to the blonde man in the shower.

He had silently slipped inside the bathroom and had watched the Swede for a few minutes. Even though Dead had been standing with his back against him he had still got a glimpse of how the other man had grasped himself and thrown his head back at the sensation. Euronymous swallowed at the sight and wondered if this was the first time Dead had touched himself. His lips parted when he heard low moaning from the shower.

The Swedish man was moving his hand faster and Euronymous could feel his own cock grow hard at the sight and sounds that filled the room. When it suddenly stopped the guitarist first wondered if the blonde had finished already. Frowning he looked closer and felt his heart sink when he recognized the defeated pose the vocalist had taken. He was standing with his head hung low and arms down, almost frozen at the spot. The look of pure ecstasy had been replaced with shear agony.

_This isn't fucking right_

Euronymous felt a desperate need to help Dead.

When the Swede suddenly turned around with a surprised look on his face, the Norwegian man had said the first thing that came to his mind. Dead was clearly taken abac by his sudden appearence

_Take control. Be in charge. He needs this_

The guitarist calmed himself before stepping closer to the shower.

''Go on. Continue.'', Euronymous said gently to the blonde.

Dead looked like a trapped animal, ''Euronymous don't..'', he started, looking at the door, anxiously wanting to get out.

When Euronymous didn't move he sighed frustrated, feeling more and more uncomfortable standing there naked.

''Don't stop'', the guitarist repeated firmly.

Dead wanted to scream from anger and embarrassment.

''Just don't, okay? I can't fucking do this! ...it was all a mistake'', the Swede's voice fell to almost a whisper at the end and when Euronymous took his hand he wanted to snatch it away from him again.

_Stop fucking touching me!_

The guitarist slowly lead both of their hands down to Dead's cock and forced the Swede to grasp himself again while holding is own hand over.

He leaned in to the other man and whispered in his hear while moving their hands slowly, ''You can do this. Just like this'', he said.

Dead bit his lip, looking like he was on the verge of tears again.

Euronymous gently stroked the frontman and showed him a gentle rhythm. Dead whimpered, feeling more vulnerable than he wanted to. The guitarist put his other hand on the blonde's shoulder and carefully guided them down so they were sitting on their knees, Dead in the shower and Euronymous right outside. All the time Euronymous had kept on stroking the vocalist and the other man was now fully erect.

''Keep going'', the guitarist whispered and removed his own hand.

Dead looked lost and confused and Euronymous guided him backwards, ''Lean back. That's it. Let me see you'', he said, still with a gentle voice, and made the other man sit against the wall of the shower with his legs out in front of him.

Euronymous made sure the water didn't hit Dead's arms but instead let it softly spray his chest and stomach.

''Touch yourself'', Euronymous encouraged.

Dead whined lowly, ''I can't....'', he began, but Euronymous wouldn't have any of that.

''Bullshit Dead. Touch yourself now.'', the the Norwegian man said.

Dead's heart was beating like crazy when he hesitantly moved his hand and began masturbating himself again. He closed his eyes tight, not wanting to look at the guitarist.

''That's it'', Euronymous whispered and Dead felt his stomach flutter.

The Swedish man moaned and stroked himself a bit faster. The warm, good feeling was starting to appear inside him again and he arched up into his own hand when he happened to touch himself in just the right place.

''Fuck...'', he moaned softly.

His cock was hard and leaking and it felt so fucking nice to finally be able to enjoy his own body.

''Keep going.... that's great....'', Euronymous kept whispering encouraging words to him and it made him feel embarrassed but also so fucking aroused.

Dead threw his head back against the wall and whimpered at the feeling. He worked himself faster and faster. Learning how and where to find the spots that made him shudder and moan. He felt lost in his own pleasure and writhed on the ground, feelings as if his whole body was on fire now.

Euronymous had to concentrate so hard on not touching himself at the sight in front of him. He was determined to make this just about Dead. When the vocalist however slid further down, lifted his other arm to grasp the wall behind him and spread his legs more, the guitarist had to bite his lip hard to keep from moaning loudly. There was no way Dead could be aware of how fucking erotic he looked. Euronymous' eyes wandered all over the Swede's body and he watched with lustful eyes how Dead's cock was leaking precum every time the blonde man moved his hand over the head of his shaft. He saw how the body in front of him arched and writhed in pleasure and how the water from the shower made the skin wet and glistening.

_Fuck fuck fuck!_

What made him almost lose himself though was the bent legs and the revealing of Dead's most private body part.

Euronymous almost drooled at the sight of Dead's asshole. He had lost count of how many times he had been fantasizing about fingering the other man ever since he began lusting after him. He wanted to push his fingers inside the tight space, open the vocalist up and make him good and ready for his own cock. The Norwegian man had to take a deep breath at the thought. Now that he was so close to having his fantasy become a reality, he felt nervous as fuck about it.

_What if he doesn't want to get fucked?_

In his lustful dreams the Swede had always begged for it so the guitarist had never thought about actually being rejected in real life. Euronymous licked his lips and looked at Dead's ass again.

_I want to lick it..._

He imagined how hot it would be to dive in and eat out the other man right now. He couldn't believe how tempting the blonde looked. He wanted to see more of it. He wanted to hear Dead sob in pleasure and moan in lust while his orgasm wrecked through his whole body. And he wanted it to happen while he fucked him.

_Tonight...it will happen tonight._

The guitarist felt his heart pound at the thought of what he was planning.

Unaware of the erotic picture he made, Dead continued stroking his cock. He let his whole hand glide up and down the hard shaft, moaned, and turned his head so that his face was hidden against his other arm. His cock was so fucking wet and hard now and he arched continuously up into his hand, pumping himself faster and faster.

''Go on....so good for me...'', he heard Euronymous say to him and he blushed, feeling the orgasm build up.

''Oh god... Euronymous...'', the frontman panted hard

'' Good boy. Are you ready to cum?'', the guitarist asked and Dead could feel his lustful eyes upon him.

He suddenly felt incredible insecure and for a second he tried to force himself to stop. Reality hit him and he became too aware of his surroundings.

_I can't let this happen...!_

He couldn't humiliate himself again by cumming in front of the other man.

_What if it is all a joke?_

_What if he will laugh at me?_

''Don't stop Dead'', Euronymous said, breaking through his panicked mind.

''I can't, no more....'', the Swede mumbled into his arm when he suddenly found his head being gently turned.

Dead opened his eyes and looked at the guitarist who was leaning over him.

''Cum for me'', Euronymous said before capturing the vocalist's lips with his own.

Dead sobbed at that and shook his head in defeat, ''No'', he whimpered weakly when he was kissed again.

The guitarist moved his mouth against his own and the feeling was incredible. The frontmman moaned when Euronymous kissed down his neck, whispered in his hear, ''Cum'', before claiming his lips again.

Dead writhed underneath the guitarist and came hard. The orgasm was strong and powerful and it made him shake all over. He kept stroking himself, moaning at the release while Euronymous kissed him through it all.

None of them said anything for the first few seconds. Dead was still catching his breath and Euronymous was so turned on he was almost scared of moving to much in fear of climaxing all over himself. He looked at the vocalist who had a faint blush on his face. Euronymous smiled at this. He knew he had done the right thing by making the Swede touch himself and he really hoped Dead saw it the same way. Knowing that the other man was in need of space, he carefully stood up before helping Dead up on shaking legs. The guitarist saw how embarrassed the blonde man was and he was just about to tell him that everything was okay when the phone rang downstairs. He met Dead's eyes and nodded to show that he was going to go down and take it. Dead lowered his eyes and looked uncomfortable again. Euronymous felt bad for leaving him but didn't want to miss the call in case it was important. He hesitated a split second before he leant forward and kissed the other man. Their tongues met and he moaned and smiled into the kiss. The phone kept ringing and he had to tear himself away from the blonde man.

_Fuck his lips feels amazing._

''Such a good boy for me'', Euronymous said seductively and let his hand glide down Dead's wet chest before kissing him passionately one last time.

The guitarist disappeared out the door and the Swede was left by himself. His mind was in a haze and he worked on autopilot when he began cleaning himself again. Euronymous kiss was still lingering on his lips and his whole lower body was trembling from the heavy orgasm. With shaking hands he let the water rinse his abdomen while he tried not to touch himself too much. He felt so sensitive now and not to mention awkward. He couldn't believe that his first time masturbating had been in front of another man. The thought made him burn in shame.

 _What was I thinking!_  

It really was time to get the hell out of this fucking shower.

Dead turned off the water, climbed out and found a towel to wrap himself in. Before he knew it, Euronymous came almost running back in with a grin on his face.

''It was Necro. We got another gig!'', he exclaimed excited. Dead had to smile at this.

''Oh, and they're not coming over today. Probably tomorrow.'', Euronymous said and saw the relief on the Swedish man 's face.

The guitarist hid his smile at that, ''Come downstairs when your done. Coffee's ready'', he said and left again.

Dead felt the tight knot in his stomach loosen up at the news. He looked forward to having his coffee and then retreat to his room for the rest of the day. He was sure Euronymous would understand that. The guitarist knew how much he valued his alone time.

 _I can't wait_...

He smiled and let the relief flow through him as he walked into his room to find some clothes.

Down in the kitchen, Euronymous couldn't stop grinning. He grabbed himself quickly through his pants as he thought about what he was going to do later tonight. He knew had to be careful though.

_I can't wait..._

He smirked, pouring himself a cup of coffee before going out to the living room to wait for the other man.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Euronymous lifted the cup to his lips and watched the vocalist from the corner of his eye as he came out from the kitchen with his own cup of coffee.

''You want to watch a movie?'', the guitarist asked, hoping to spend some more time with the blonde man.

The Norwegian man knew that Dead would want to retreat to his own room as soon as he had finished his coffee if he didn't find something to occupy his mind with. It wasn't that he expected to keep the other man with him all day, he was ready to give Dead his space, but he wanted to be with him just a little longer before he executed his plan for the night. He was aware of that once he made the bigger move on the Swede it could result in either pure bliss for them both or total rejection and shut down from the self destructive vocalist. It was a huge risk to take and would force Dead further out of his comfort zone than he ever could have imagined.

_We would be so close..._

Euronymous pictured himself on top of the blonde, slowly gliding in to him as he kissed him passionately and fucked him hard.

The vocalist suddenly sat down on the couch and Euronymous smiled a little at how the other man had chosen the seat next to him instead of alone in the chair like he usually would.

''I guess we can watch a movie, yeah...'', Dead said hesitantly and lit up a cigarette.

The frontman wasn't much of a smoker, but this whole day totally called for it. He took a deep drag of it before leaning back and closing his eyes. The nicotine went straight to his head now that he hadn't eaten anything for a while and it felt nice and relaxing.

''Perfect! I'll get some snacks. We need to eat something but I don't really feel like making anything'', Euronymous said, going in to the kitchen to see what he could find.

Dead sighed. He wasn't the least hungry. Right now he just wanted coffee and cigarettes.He looked up when Euronymous returned and saw that he was carrying a big bowl of popcorn and some chocolate. Dead's eyes lit up for a second. He fucking loved popcorn. It was such an easy, light snack that one could just eat and eat without getting that heavy, full feeling. His eyes followed the bowl as it was put down on the table in front of him. Fuck, he wanted that popcorn right fucking now. Quickly, he put out his cigarette and leaned forward to grab the snack.

''Any wishes?'', Euronymous asked just as Dead dipped his hand into the bowl.

The vocalist shook his head and lifted a handful of the popcorn to throw into his mouth. He sighed in satisfaction and let out a small sound of enjoyment. The popcorn was perfectly soft and perfectly salted and he eagerly grabbed some more while the guitarist put on some random splatter movie.

Euronymous smiled at how happy the Swede seemed at the moment. The small sounds of pleasure that escaped the other man as he ate however went right to the guitarist's groin and he once again had to concentrate on not jumping the vocalist right there on the couch. He wanted to fuck so badly!

_Just a few more hours!_

_...I hope_

The guitarist sat down next to the frontman again and grabbed the chocolate to break off a piece. He kept secretly glancing and Dead while the Swede watched the movie and noticed how fast the other man was eating the popcorn.

 _He_ _must be hungrier than he thinks_

Euronymous hoped that he could get the Swede to eat some chocolate too although he didn't want to worry about the blonde mans eating habit right now. He knew that one day he had to encourage Dead, and himself for that matter, to try and eat some healthier, but right now there were other things that needed to be dealt with first.

_Like how I'm going to convince him to have my cock in his ass..._

Euronymous shifted in his seat when he felt his erection grow at the thought.

Dead had his eyes locked on the tv and was actually enjoying himself more than he thought he would. He still longed for some time alone but right now he could deal with watching a movie with Euronymous. As he was eating the popcorn he noticed that the guitarist was fidgeting a lot next to him and he tried to ignore it as best as he could. The vocalist was surprised at how calm he felt even though he had just, yet again, been forced out of his comfort zone and into and uncomfortable and vulnerable position by the guitarist. He wondered what Euronymous was thinking right now. He had no idea about how long the other man could have wanted to touch him like this, or if it was just an impulsive act.

_...is he just using me for fun...?_

_..or does he actually like me...?_

Dead knew that Euronymous hadn't had sex in a long time and he felt warm at the thought of potentially being the other mans lust object now. That was something he never ever could have imagined.

The Swede didn't want to think too much about why everything was happening as they were. Things were chaotic enough in his head already and all that matter right now was that he was, at this moment, actually feeling better about himself. Euronymous had, just like he said he would, helped him feel good and relaxed.

_Maybe that is all he really wanted._

_..to show me another way to get release and take control of my body..._

Dead bit his lip and felt his heart skip a beat.

_...does this mean it's all over then?_

He carefully looked at the man next to him and licked his lips. He couldn't come to an agreement with himself if he was okay with it being potentially over or not.

 _It's probably for the better_ I guess...

The idea of not having to face any more humiliating intimate situations made him feel less tense and relaxed back into the couch again.

Euronymous had to breathe deeply as he grew more hornier by the second.

_Dear fucking god please let me have sex tonight!_

He breathed out and thought about going to the bathroom to quickly jerk off.

_Focus, focus focus!_

He was just about to get up when Dead giggled next to him and his eyes were drawn to the tv. Some guy were brutally murdered and the vocalist snorted from laughter. Euronymous smiled and shook his head. It felt a bit like life was back to normal again and he was able to concentrate on the movie for the rest of the time. Dead sighed as he finished off the bowl of popcorn and groaned when Euronymous gave him a small piece of chocolate.

''I don't think I can'', he said, leaning back and closing his eyes.

''One bite'', Euronymous insisted and put a hand on his thigh, stroking it lightly.

Dead opened his eyes and felt his heart flutter. This wasn't suppose to happen.

_Aren't we done...?_

The vocalist swallowed as the other man caressed his leg.

''Go on. Take it. And then you can leave, okay? It's almost over'', Euronymous said and watched the ending scene of the movie.

Dead took a shaking breath and grabbed the chocolate that was handed to him. Euronymous immediately removed his hand and let the Swede have his space to eat. The blonde man let the chocolate melt in his mouth and it tasted better than he thought it would. As the end credits rolled he broke off another small piece to eat slowly as his mind wandered back to the guitarist's hand on his thigh. The small touch had suddenly seemed strange and uncomfortable again and he desperately wished to get away.

''It's okay, you can leave now'', Euronymous suddenly said.

Dead looked up at the other man and saw that he was standing by the tv and smiling at him. The vocalist gave a small smile back before standing up. He thought he should say something but had no idea what it would be.

''Later, then?'', the guitarist asked quickly, already on his way to the kitchen.

Dead frowned a little. He didn't understand why the Norwegian man all of a sudden was acting like everything was normal.

_Maybe it is all normal and it's just me that only see the dark side as usual..._

The vocalist began feeling upset for some reason. He had almost expected the other man to say something more and had been waiting for the guitarist to ask him if he was okay or tell him that everyhing was fine between them.

''Later'', Dead mumbled and went upstairs to throw himself on his bed and stay there for the rest of the day.

He prayed that all his emotions would disappear again so he wouldn't feel so vulnerable.

Down in the living room Euronymous had thrown himself down on the couch again. He had some hours to kill before he could head upstairs to pay Dead a new visit. The guitarist was determined not to touch himself before the night but he couldn't help softly stroking his erection through his pants. He threw his head back and sighed loudly.

''Fuck it'', he whispered and opened up his pants so he could push his hand in.

With a moan he grabbed himself and stroked fast and hard. He just wanted a quick release and kept picturing the vocalist's ass and how he would first lick it wet, finger it open and then fuck it hard.

''Yes'', he groaned as he came hastily.

The Norwegian man felt more relaxed after his orgasm.

_Now I can last longer too._

He smiled and turned on the tv to get time to move faster.

Hours later, Dead was still lying on top of his bed, completely lost to the world. He had stopped thinking about all that had happened. It was too exhausting to focus on. He was so tired now but couldn't sleep. His mind felt empty but his heart was pounding fast and it kept him in an anxious and nervous state. He hated it. Hated the feeling of his own beating heart.

_Stop bothering me!_

He was just about to run out and into the woods again when there was a knock on his door. The frontman held his breath as Euronymous came in.

''How are you feeling?'', the guitarist asked, coming closer to stand over him.

Dead shrugged. He didn't want to talk. Not now. Not ever.

_I want to get out!_

''I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You seemed to be fine downstairs and then suddenly you were all quiet when you left', Euronymous said, sitting down on the bed.

''I know that it's probably nothing and just the way you are...'', the guitarist trailed off with a smile as he spoke and Dead didn't know what to say.

To him it was Euronymous that had been acting weird when he suddenly walked into the kitchen and just sent him off with a careless ''See you later!''.

''I wish you would talk to me'', the Norwegian man said, placing a hand on Dead's chest, ''Whatever's on your mind. Tell me''.

The frontman hesitated before speaking, '' I just don't know how to feel about all this... when we were watching a movie everything was fine, but then I started thinking, and I don't know...it just seemed like at the end you wanted me to leave since you went in to the kitchen....and it's not like I didn't want to leave, but everything is so fucking confusing and I don't know if I like it or not! ...And I guess I wanted you to say something more, something that would have made sense of all this. Like, I thought you were finished with me but then you put your hand on my leg and my mind gets all fucked up again! ...I already feel embarrassed from what happened in the shower.....and I just wish you would tell me why you are doing all this! Because I can't...'', the vocalist's voice broke off in the middle of a sentence after he had poured his heart out to the man sitting in front of him.

Euronymous sat there listening to everything the Swedish man had to say and watched how he had to bite his lip to suppress his emotions.

_Is he going to cry?_

The blonde man gathered himself enough to continue, ''...I can't deal with all these feelings Euronymous. It's fucking me up! I have to know if this is continuing or if it is the end. I just...I need to know'', Dead stopped talking. He didn't dare meet the guitarist's eyes. He felt trapped.

_Why did I say so much?_

_When have I EVER said so much?_

He was so fucking embarrassed.

_Why, why, why!!_

And then Euronymous leaned in and kissed him.

Dead was so taken a back that he almost didn't respond. When he finally did, he was met with a soft tongue that parted his lips before licking them slowly.

The blonde man whimpered and Euronymous deepened the kiss and climbed on top of him.

''I thought you knew why'', the guitarist said in between the kissing that was now growing more passionate.

Dead moaned as Euronymous gently bit his neck, ''I don't'', he whimpered.

Euronymous claimed the Swede's lips again and slid his hands down his chest, touching and caressing him through his clothes. Dead panted hard.

''I want to help you, remember?'', the guitarist whispered as he pushed his hands inside the Swede's t-shirt to lift it up and over his head. Dead didn't have time to react. This was not exactly what he had in mind right now.

Euronymous kept kissing him, forcing their tongues to meet and moving their mouths together in a slow rhythm.

''Let me continue finding your release. Let me show you how much better it can be. You've already been such a good boy for me.'', the guitarist said softly in his ear and it sent shivers down Dead's spine.

The vocalist trembled under the other mans touch as he closed his eyes and gave in to the hands that massaged his chest. He felt warm inside when the strong hands moved further down his body. He held his breath when his pants were opened and tried not to tense up when they were pulled off his body. The frontman was now lying completely naked on his own bed with another man on top of him.

Euronymous looked down on him and he blushed. The Swedish man instantly wanted to cover himself and began writhing a little when the guitarist pulled of his own t-shirt. Dead stopped completely moving and instead stared at Euronymous body. The guitarist was skinny, but surprisingly fit and the vocalist swallowed hard at the sight. Dead felt awkward at his own reaction.

Euronymous moved in between the blonde mans legs so he could lean over him better and the Swede felt very trapped again beneath the other man. He didn't like how much the guitarist had parted his legs to lie between them. It felt almost like an unnatural position and he wanted to close them. When Euronymous kissed him again and put his hand around his cock he gasped and arched up into the touch. He didn't even know he had become so hard and was shocked at how fast his body was reacting to the other mans touch now.

The Norwegian man stroked Dead slowly at first and kissed down his neck while listening to the vocalist's soft moans and whimpers. His own erection was straining inside his pants and he grind down into the Swede, pushing his whole lower body against the man underneath him. Dead gasped loudly again and Euronymous claimed his lips. Their bodies moved together and both men moaned at the stimulating contact. The frontman couldn't believe he was actually feeling Euronymous erection against his own. It made his heart pound fast and his cock was beginning to leak pre cum against the guitarist's hand. He could feel Euronymous putting his other hand on one of his legs to bend it more while he pushed himself against him over and over again. Dead moaned loudly at the sensation and it was almost like they were...

_...Having sex....!_

Dead's eyes shot open in panic and he began twisting around to get away from underneath the other man. There was no way in hell anything like that would happen.

_No fucking way!_

It was too weird, too intimate and too humiliating to even think about. He felt embarrassed just by the thought of having Euronymous touch him there and he could barley think about it without feeling warm.

_It's such a private place..._

He blushed and whimpered when Euronymous almost forcefully grabbed both of his hands and held them above his head. The guitarist immediately softened his grip and leaned down to kiss him until he was calm again. As they kissed, Euronymous let go of his hands and carefully placed them on each of Dead's legs. He deepened the kiss to distract the Swede as he slowly pushed the blonde man's legs further apart, bending them and exposing him more.

''That's it yes'', Euronymous mumbled in between the kisses.

He had seen the sudden change of emotions on the other man and he knew he had to be cautious. Dead whimpered nervously and tried to keep his breathing steady. Euronymous licked his lips in excitement at the sight in front of him. He loved watching the Swede's body tremble underneath him. He gave Dead one last deep kiss before leaning back to watch the other man spread open before him. His gaze wandered over the vocalist's ass and he couldn't wait to touch him there.

''Euronymous don't'', Dead whispered nervously.

The vocalist's mind was starting to fill up with all kinds of thoughts of what might happen to him now. He wanted to close his eyes and push the guitarist away, but he somehow felt frozen and couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling.

''Shh, shh. I swore I would never hurt you. And I meant that. I've only made you feel good haven't I?''. Euronymous said and began to massage the Swedish mans ass. He rubbed him softly while spreading his ass cheeks more and more.

Dead hated it and arched his back uncomfortably, ''Don't touch me there'', he said, grinding his teeth together.

''Shh...shh..quiet now. I promise you will like it. I'll take my time with you. Prepare you good so you won't feel any pain'', Euronymous said comforting and spread him more open with his fingers.

''No! Euronymous fuck this. Stop it !'', the frontman cried out embarrassed. He hated every part of this situation.

''Dead, I will tie you the fuck down if you don't hold still'', Euronymous almost shouted, suddenly angry. His lust was growing intensely and he was so fucking close to his goal now.

The guitarist had to breathe deeply to not sound more frustrated. He looked down on the vocalist who stared at him with frightened eyes.

''I didn't mean it like that...'', Euronymous said more calmly, ''I just need you to trust me. I know this is a lot to ask of you. But just try it okay? If you really don't like it then I'll stop. I promise. I just fucking need this from you right now. Ever since I saw you taking of your clothes outside after the party the other day, all I've thought about is touching you and... being inside you.... besides, you said you would let me help you, right?''.

The guitarist waited with an anxious heart on the Swede's reaction.

Dead didn't know how to respond to what Euronymous had just told him.

_He was watching me that day?_

Dead's heart pounded and he swallowed hard. He closed his eyes, thinking about what Euronymous had said about how he had fantasized about being inside him. It all sounded so fucked up. So unreal. Like it was all a fucking dream. He really didn't want to do it. Really hated the thought of having anything at all inside him. But a part of him felt like he owned the guitarist's this.

_He must be so frustrated..._

The frontman felt torn between saying yes or no.

_Fuuuuuck!_

When the vocalist finally gave a small nod Euronymous smiled and gave the blonde a soft kiss, ''So good for me. Keep you legs spread out now.'', he whispered to him and Dead blushed but kept his legs open as Euronymous let go of them. He felt so fucking exposed.

He held his breath when two fingers ran over his ass crack before gracing over his asshole.

_NO!_

The Swedish man screamed internally. The fingers continued to softly stroke over his hole and he trembled at the touch.

_No No No No!_

He whimpered loudly when Euronymous spread his ass further and leaned in closer. He was so nervous he wanted to throw up and when a wet tongue suddenly touched him he cried out. Dead was frozen as he lied terrified on his bed and felt how the wet muscle moved up and down his whole crack. This was almost too much for him. He wanted to beg for it to stop but he was somehow lost for words.

''Euronymous...'', he said in a small voice.

''Relax. I'm sorry I didn't warn you. But I need to do this since we don't have any lube. It's only so that I don't hurt you'', Euronymous said.

Dead was quiet. He had nothing to say to that. He knew the guitarist was right so he just nodded silently, feeling the humiliation grow inside him. Never had he ever thought about having someone lick him down there and he lifted his arms to cover his face in shame.

Euronymous gripped Dead's hips, bent his legs further back and licked his ass in a long and slow movement. The guitarist felt like he was in a heavenly dream as he looked at the other man's now wet hole in front of him. He was determined to have the blonde man like this.

_Fuck so good..._

He couldn't get enough of it and when he lifted his gaze a bit he saw that the vocalist was still erect. This was an encouraging sight and told him that Dead wasn't exactly suffering even though he was slowly pushed to the limits of his comfort zone. He could feel the blonde man writh underneath him and hear his breath grow faster as he was licked more.

Dead moaned when Euronymous licked around his entrance.

_I don't like this... I don't!_

He felt how the tongue moved up and down his ass crack and he arched his back at the sensation. The wet muscle circled his hole and he moaned embarrassed when it actually felt good. Euronymous held his ass open and buried his face further in so he could lick more deeply. Dead whimpered at this and gasped when he was slowly penetrated. He instinctively wanted to close his legs now but Euronymous held him down and carefully licked him from the inside. The vocalist wanted to hide from all the shame. He couldn't believe the Norwegian mans tongue was inside him and a low keening sound forced its way out from his lips when he realized that he was beginning to like what happened to him. The other man's tongue was warm and soft and the guitarist was being so gentle with him. Dead bit his lip hard.

 _There's no pain_....

Euronymous pulled back a little, ''You okay?'', he asked and massaged Dead's ass.

The frontman breathed hard and turned his head away.

''Yes'', he whimpered and parted his lips in pleasure as Euronymous smiled and licked over him again. The soft action made him moan quietly.

''Do you like this?'', Euronymous asked more teasingly and let his tongue glide over the now very sensitive hole.

Dead's eyes fluttered close and he didn't trust his voice to speak so he only nodded reluctantly.

''Good'', the guitarist said and moved his tongue faster in and out of the Swede.

Dead opened his eyes and whimpered helplessly at the feeling. His inner walls were being thoroughly licked over and he couldn't help the sob that escaped his lips.

Euronymous wanted to moan loudly at the sounds the vocalist was making. He couldn't wait to make him scream in pleasure. Dead's moans grew more uncontrollably as the guitarist's tongue pushed further in to lick him better.

Euronymous wanted to make sure that Dead was wet enough before he started preparing him with his fingers. A trembling sob made him look up and he saw that the Swede was fighting an internal battle with himself.

_I wish he would just relax_

He licked the blonde's inside again in a long movement.

Dead's body began to tremble hard and Euronymous gripped his hips and started fucking him with his tongue. The Swedish man moaned and cried out and the guitarist smiled at the action. Over and over again he penetrated the vocalist entrance and when he finally pulled away he saw that the other man's asshole was glistening from saliva. Euronymous almost didn't want to stop licking him but he had to continue the preparation now.

 _Next time I'll lick him til he cums_...

Dead's legs were shaking when Euronymous moved over him and stared into his eyes. The guitarist put his hand around his cock and he moaned when he was jerked off again.

''I'm going to start fingering you now'', Euronymous said, stroking the cock in his hand in a fast rhythm, ''I think you're ready for that, don't you?''.

The guitarist pumped the blonde man's erection faster and the vocalist felt himself getting closer to an orgasm already. Euronymous suddenly let go of his cock and Dead felt reality hit him hard as two fingers once again graced his now wet asshole.

''No, stop'', Dead whimpered and tried to hide his face as the tears began to gather in his eyes.

He had been so uncomfortable for such a long time now that he couldn't longer suppress his strongest emotions.

Euronymous felt torn between feeling sorry for the blonde man, and loving the sight of the Swede fighting with his feelings. He knew it was wrong to like it, but when he saw that the vocalist was on the verge of tears he couldn't help thinking how fucking hot it looked. Dead was actually really close to crying now and Euronymous wondered if he would finally get to see it.

_He probably hasn't cried in years_

He gently touched the other mans face and Dead swallowed nervously and hesitantly looked at him with tear filled eyes. Euronymous smiled at the frontman and brushed his fingers over his entrance again.

''Please don't'', Dead pleaded and the Norwegian man had to concentrate hard on not to drive into him at once.

_He's begging!_

''Trust me'', Euronymous whispered and gently pushed one of the fingers inside him.

''No! No more!'', Dead sobbed.

_I can't do this, I can't do this!_

When the guitarist didn't listen to him he finally broke down in tears. He didn't want to be touched at all anymore. The unfamiliar feeling of tears running down his face had him shake all over and it made him feel scared.

''Let me go'', he whimpered as one tear slowly made it's way down his cheek.

Euronymous leaned over the other man and held him close, ''I know I'm pushing you. But I also know you can do this. And I promise it's going to feel so good.'', he said, stroking the frontmans face.

''No...'', Dead sobbed weakly into the guitarist's neck.

Euronymous held still as he felt how the Swede completely fell apart under him. The vocalist cried hard now and he could feel Dead's heart beat fast inside his chest. He wondered if he should stop.

 _I'm not a rapist..._  

He was prepared for a reaction from the blonde man and he had told himself that if it came to it, he would leave and not force Dead into anything he didn't want.

_...so why am I still here?_

He cursed silently at himself because he knew that the answer was because he was still so fucking horny.

''You've got to relax'', Euronymous almost whispered to Dead who looked terrified up at him with tear stained eyes.

The guitarist took a deep breath before moving his finger slowly in and out of the wet hole. The Swede opened his mouth and arched away.

''No'', Dead cried softly.

''Shh..shh'', Euronymous let his other hand stroke over the blonde man's chest as he fingered him gently. He pushed a bit further in and bent the finger carefully. Dead sobbed loud in pleasure and Euronymous sighed in relief.

''That was good right?'', Euronymous asked and caressed the other mans upper body.

Dead bit his lip and whimpered. The guitarist pulled out the finger and let it glide over his entrance before pushing two inside this time. The vocalist writhed uncomfortably.

''Stop'', Dead moaned in desperation and Euronymous held the fingers still inside him.

When the other man seemed less tense, the guitarist began fingering him again. The two finger slid in and out of the frontman's body and Euronymous switched between watching how they disappeared into the wet heat, and keep his eye on the blonde mans face to look for any discomfort.

Dead closed his eyes in frustration and when the Norwegian man bent the fingers it forced a moan out of him. It happened again and Dead arched in pleasure this time.

''Don't be scared'', Euronymous said to him as a tear slowly ran down his cheek. He felt so humiliated and degraded almost and it were those feelings that made it all seem so unbearable.

''Please let me go'', he begged and moaned in unwanted pleasure as his prostate was rubbed mercilessly.

Almost choking on his own tears, Dead sobbed as the fingers inside him stroked his inner walls and glided over his wet entrance. It felt undeniable good and he panted in pleasure.

''There you go. That's it. It feels so good'', Euronymous said softly to him and fingered him a bit faster.

Dead lifted his arms and clenched his fists together as the guitarist gave him a rough prostate massage. He whimpered in need and opened his mouth in pleasure.

''I can't... anymore...'', Dead panted hard. The feeling was too intense for him.

Euronymous looked at the other man and saw how aroused he was. He drove his fingers hard into him and made the vocalist cry out and moan when he did it again.

''Euronymous please!'', Dead begged and struggled to get used to the overwhelming feeling of pleasure. He shivered as he was being fucked faster by the two fingers that had now found a steady and hard rhythm.

''Is it good?'', Euronymous asked, wanting to make sure that the vocalist was feeling only pleasure.

Dead couldn't help but nod this time. He was slowly submitting to the man on top of him and when the guitarist wrapped his hand around his cock again he sobbed hard. Euronymous fingered him faster and faster and stroked his cock harder. He moaned and trembled as he felt the orgasm approach him.

''Tell me that you like it. Tell me and I'll let you cum'', the guitarist leaned down and whispered in his ear. Dead blushed hard and Euronymous rubbed his prostate over and over again.

''I like it...'' The Swede eventually whimpered in shame, ''Euronymous please'', he pleaded again.

His body was craving more and more and he began to thrust up towards the other man's hand. He couldn't believe the way he was acting _,_ but it felt so good and he was so close to release.

''Please'', Dead begged desperately one last time as he came hard all over himself.

As the orgasm wrecked through his body, the fingers inside him milked his prostate and the feeling was so intense that he almost lifted his whole lower body up.

''Oh fuck...oh fuck...oh yes...yes!'', the frontman sobbed and grabbed the bed sheets under him to hold on to something.

As the orgasm died down Euronymous slowly pulled out his fingers. They were soaked and the guitarist moaned at the sight. He saw the tears slowly make their way down Dead's face and he was now more than ready to have his cock inside the tight hole he had just opened up. The Swede looked exhausted and Euronymous let him catch his breath. He stroked the blonde mans hips gently and moved his hands over the spread open legs. Dead trembled under the touch.

Euronymous hesitated before saying, ''I'm going to fuck you now'' in a low voice.

The vocalist just stared at the ceiling, his breath shaking as the tears continued to fall from his eyes. It was like he couldn't stop crying. Euronymous decided not to take off his pants completely but only lower them as far as necessary.

He kept an eye on Dead as he bent his legs, ''Dead?'', Euronymous tried to get in contact with the Swede.

The vocalist just shook his head and made a small sound of helplessness.

Euronymous furrowed his eyebrows, ''Don't be scared'', he said softly and placed himself near the open entrance.

Dead arched away from the contact. ''Please don't'', he begged.

The guitarist hesitated before whispering, ''I have to...I'm sorry.'', and pushed himself slowly in.

Dead tensed and clenched hard around him. Euronymous had to bite his lip at the wonderful sensation. He got a better grip on the other mans legs and pushed further in. A heart wrenching scream tore from the vocalist's throat and he saw how Dead struggled to adjust to having something bigger inside him.

The Swedish mans vision became blurry from tears when a horrible pain shot through his whole lower back. Euronymous strong hands held him down as he was penetrated fully and he moaned in agony. He was used to pain. Had never had any problem with it. But this was something whole new. It ached and burned him from the inside and that combined with the humiliation he already felt made it all the more agonizing to endure.

''It hurts'', he whimpered as Euronymous bent over and leaned closer to him.

''Oh god, please stop!'', Dead begged and writhed underneath the guitarist.

He shut his eyes tight, feeling how his whole body was so tense that Euronymous had to hold completely still until he had managed to calm down.

''Relax for me Dead'', the guitarist said and gently stroked his legs, ''Are you ready?'', he asked before carefully pulling out and pushing back inside again.

Euronymous groaned and Dead felt sick.

''Open your eyes for me, will you?'', the Norwegian man said and bit back another groan at the pleasure he was feeling.

The vocalist eyes were tightly closed and he whimpered brokenly as he was slowly fucked for the first time.

''Dead, it's okay, look at me. Let me see you'', Euronymous said with a more strained voice.

He wanted so badly to drive harder into the other man. It felt so tight. So fucking perfectly tight. He bent Dead's legs even further back so he could get closer to him, and when the vocalist finally opened his eyes, they were face to face and Euronymous smiled warmly at him before giving him a slow, soft kiss. Dead moaned and blinked away the tears that were blocking his sight.

''That's it'', Euronymous panted and pulled out once again before pushing back inside.

Dead moaned quietly this time and the guitarist placed his hands on either side of the vocalist's head as he started to fuck him in slow movements. He tried so hard not to move any faster than he knew the frontman was able to handle at the moment. When the Swede clenched around him again he knew it was because the other man was terrified. It still felt fucking amazing though and he thrust harder inside the blonde underneath him. He looked down at Dead and saw that he was silently crying again. Euronymous sighed and leaned down to kiss him. He had learned that Dead liked to be kissed and that it gave him comfort.

''You feel so fucking good'', the guitarist whispered to him and pulled all the way out before thrusting back in.

Dead moaned loudly in pleasure and Euronymous kissed him deeply and fucked him harder. The vocalist whimpered and the Norwegian man had never felt more closer to another person. He was almost lying on top of him and everything felt so fucking intimate as he continued thrusting into the more willing body underneath him. As he bent Dead's legs back he was able to hit the Swede's prostate dead on and it made the other man arch in pleasure.

Dead was slowly getting used to being so filled up and he moaned louder and louder. He was still embarrassed about the whole situation and hid his face against Euronymous as the guitarist thrust faster and faster inside him. A hard thrust made him arch his body up against the other man and he threw his head back against the bed and sobbed at the good feeling that ran through him. Euronymous panted hard against him and Dead could only lie there and take it.

''Fuck it's good!'', Euronymous growled against the blonde man. He loved every second of this and he closed his eyes in lust as he felt the other man tremble.

''Euronymous'', Dead panted out of breath, ''Not so fast....please.'', he pleaded.

He sobbed when Euronymous grabbed his cock and began stroking it. Dead had not even thought about having another orgasm. Didn't even know if he could. When the guitarist pounded against his prostate however he moaned desperately after release. He hated to admit it but it felt so good to get fucked and he was so thankful that Euronymous had actually kept his word about being careful with him.

''Fuck, I'm sorry Dead... it's just so fucking good'', the Norwegian man groaned and Dead felt warm at the thought.

When the guitarist jerked him off faster and penetrated him deeper Dead screamed hoarsely at the intense feeling. Euronymous drove into him in a rapid speed and hit his prostate for every thrust.

''I'm going to cum soon'', the guitarist moaned and Dead felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest.

He shuddered in lust at the thought of Euronymous cumming inside him and it made him arch up into the other mans hand as his own orgasm hit him hard. Euronymous became stiff as he also came with a loud groan. He milked the vocalist's cock and pounded his own erection against the blonde man's prostate as they both moaned in ecstasy. Dead had never felt anything so powerful before and he felt dizzy when it was all over.

Euronymous panted hard and carefully pulled out. He moved over Dead and collapsed next to him before putting an arm around the blonde man and pulling him into a warm embrace.

''You okay?'', Euronymous asked softly and felt the Swede nod against him. He wasn't going to force Dead into say or do anything now. It could wait until the next day. He just wanted to make sure that the vocalist wasn't hurt in any way.

''Good. We don't have to talk anymore for today. Let's just try and sleep'', Euronymous said and stroked Dead's arm gently.

Dead relaxed at the touch and nodded again. He was glad that he didn't have to say anything. He didn't trust his voice and was scared that he might start crying again if he had to talk about what had just happened.

''By the way, I meant what I said, you really felt so fucking good'', Euronymous whispered in his ear and hugged him tighter.

Dead blushed and closed his eyes.

_Guess it really isn't all over between us..._

_A_ small smile played on his lips as he breathed in deeply and tried to stay calm so he could fight down the urge to run away from the embrace.

 


	6. Chapter 6

''Oh shit, I almost didn't expect you to be here'', Euronymous mumbled behind the blonde man he was still cradling in his arms. He let a hand glide over the other mans body and sighed in satisfaction.

''Yeah... me neither actually'', Dead responded quietly and shifted a little in the tight embrace.

The Norwegian man smiled and turned the Swede around so he could look at him. The vocalist gave a small smile back but the guitarist could see in his eyes that he was nervous and not relaxed.

''Hey...are you okay?'', Euronymous asked softly and gently touched his face.

Dead shrugged. He hadn't been able to sleep all that much and his body felt worn out. He had several times thought about leaving during the night, but for some reason he had stayed and instead drifted in and out of sleep as the other man slept quietly behind him. As he moved in the guitarist's arms he could feel a small ache in his lower back and he blushed at the reason why.

''You're not hurt are you? You know I tried to be as careful as I could'', Euronymous said, worrying that the frontman had developed any pain during the night.

Dead shook his head, ''No.. just.. a little sore'', he said, blushing again and moving uncomfortable in the embrace. He didn't want to talk any more about it. It felt awkward and he was now very aware of how naked he still was.

Euronymous laughed quietly and pulled him closer, ''You want to tell me where it's sore? Maybe I can kiss it better...'', he said teasingly and leaned down to kiss Dead's neck.

The vocalist gasped.

''….or lick it better?'', the guitarist moved his lips over the blonde mans throat until they reached the Swede's mouth.

Dead's lips were red and swollen from all the kissing the night before and Euronymous had never seen anything hotter. He lingered over them before slowly capturing them in a gentle kiss that had the blonde man moan into his mouth. They slowly pulled apart and Euronymous couldn't believe any of this was happening to him.

_I actually fucked Dead last night!_

Dead watched the guitarist grin above him and he wondered what he was thinking. The other man seemed happy and he wished he could join him in his joy, but he felt tired and for some reason a bit sad. He couldn't put his finger on what it was, he usually never could with his depression, but he felt that it had something to do with all the emotions he was forced to go through last night.

_I fucking cried_

He couldn't remember the last time he had done that. He felt vulnerable and he hated it. Euronymous had seen everything now and there was no turning back.

_I fucking cried in his arms as he fucked me!_

The vocalist whined at the humiliating thought. He had to get away now.

As the blonde man tried to get up, Euronymous gently pushed him down again.

''Don't go'', the guitarist said and kissed him.

Euronymous locked their hands together and lifted them above the vocalist's head. They made out slowly and Dead whimpered as the man above him began to push his hips down against him.

''How are your arms?'', Euronymous asked and kissed the Swedish mans chest.

Dead panted quietly, ''Fine'', he whispered breathlessly.

Euronymous kissed down his stomach and Dead gasped as his legs were parted.

''Good. We'll change the bandages later.'', the guitarist mumbled and licked the Swede's hipbone before moving up again.

Dead shivered at the touch and arched his body.

''I thought we might take a shower.'', Euronymous said and bit his lip to suppress a grin at the annoyed look on the other mans face.

''I told you yesterday that you had to get used to showering a lot'', the guitarist laughed.

''This time we're taking one together though...'', he said and let one of his hands travel all the way down the body in front of him before stopping between the spread legs, ''...so I can help you clean up nice and good for me'', he continued and smirked as he let two fingers gently glide over an into the still wet and open entrance of the vocalist.

Dead moaned and writhed hard on the bed. He thought he would feel pain if he were to be penetrated again already, but the guitarist was so gentle with him that he managed to make him feel only pleasure. His inner walls were so sensitive after being overstimulated the night before and he almost sobbed when the two fingers carefully brushed his prostate.

''Euronymous...'', he whimpered.

''Don't worry. I'm not going to touch you more now'', Euronymous said with a smile and pulled out his fingers.

''Although I am going to lick you until you beg me to stop after I've cleaned that sweet ass of yours'', the Norwegian man smirked. 

Dead bit his lip and turned his head away, not knowing what to say. He knew that some people saw him as shy because he didn't talk much and liked his privacy. Truth was that he really had no problem with acting the way he wanted around others, he just preferred the quiet life. However, when it came to talk about sex and intimacy he usually left when the other guys began those conversations. Not because he was embarrassed about his lack of experience, he couldn't care less, but the whole subject made him more uncomfortable than he wanted to admit because it manifested feelings of want, longing, lust, pleasure, vulnerability and love. Feelings that he didn't need in his life. At least that's what he thought until now....

_What is wrong with me?_

When Euronymous had said that he wanted to lick him again he had automatically felt uncomfortable at the thought, but when he suppressed those instincts he found himself actually longing to feel that soft tongue again; the wet muscle that had been the first thing to open him up and penetrate him gently.

_I want it...._

_I need it...._

_I long for pleasure..._

He moaned quietly as Euronymous leaned down to kiss him one last time before climbing out of the bed.

''You ready to get wet?'', the guitarist asked with a smirk and Dead smiled back and was just about to get up when they heard the door slam downstairs and someone yell,

''HELLO!''

They both looked at each other, eyes wide open, before Euronymous pulled himself together and scrambled out the door before anyone came up.

''Down in a minute!'', he yelled back.

''Alright! Need any food?'', Hellhammer shouted up to him, clearly in the kitchen already.

Euronymous couldn't really think straight so he just said yes. They needed to eat anyway.

''Tell Dead we're here!'', Hellhammer screamed over the sounds of food making.

Euronymous almost snorted at that but said nothing and went back into Dead's room. Inside he found the vocalist sitting upright in bed, his eyes shining with terror. He wanted to say something to comfort the other man but the noises downstairs were stressing him out and when he heard Necro yell something down to Hellhammer on his way upstairs he panicked.

''I'll see you downstairs, okay?'', Euronymous said and grabbed his t shirt to put it on before going out the door again.

He felt guilty as fuck for leaving the blonde man alone but he had to make sure that Necro didn't enter the room. He had for some time now been bickering with the other band member and the last thing he needed now was to get some more shit from the bassist.

As Euronymous almost ran out the door, Dead could hear him right outside talking with Necro. He heard the guitarist tell the other man that he was just checking on him and that they were all coming downstairs. Dead's heart was beating so loudly and he just waited for the door to open again so everyone outside could see how vulnerable he looked now. When nothing happened and the others went downstairs again, he took a shaking breath that ended in a small sob.

_Don't you fucking cry now again!_

_Everyone will know!_

The Swede had to take several deep breaths to gather himself before he managed to get up. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply again as he stood by his bed. As soon as he tried walking he felt a dull pain in his lower back and abdomen and he cursed loudly.

''Fuck you Euronymous, fuck you, you sick fuck''.

He felt angry, betrayed, alone and so fucking stupid for feeling like that!

_How could he just leave me?_

''Fuck!'', he cried quietly and felt his eyes begin to water.

_Stop it, stop it, stop it!!_  

He whimpered as he thought about having to go downstairs all alone now that the others already were there. He wasn't ready to meet anyone.

_Why couldn't he just wait for me?_  

A horrible thought struck him as he imagined the guitarist telling the other two about everything that had happened.

_Is that why he wanted to go so fast?_

The vocalist closed his eyes, breathed deeply one last time and drained his body and mind from all emotions.

_...Don't think..._

_...Don't feel..._

_...Become empty..._

_...Become dead..._

He ignored the ache in his back and arms, found some clothes and left the room. As he stood by the staircase he could hear the others talking. A wave of insecurity washed over him but he forced it away and slowly walked down the stairs.

They were all sitting in the kitchen and eating sandwiches that Hellhammer had made.

''Rough night?'', Necro immediately asked, smirking as he came in.

Dead almost froze and had to swallow hard as he sat down next to Euronymous. He didn't dare look at the guitarist.

_I knew it._

''Shut up Necro'', Euronymous said. He smiled but his voice sounded strained and Dead could feel his eyes linger upon him.

''What the fuck man? I was just kidding! ...I mean look at him, he doesn't exactly look he's been sleeping for the last year, right? '', the bassist laughed out loud and went to get some coffee.

''You want some?'', he asked Dead who only nodded.

_Can they see that I've been crying? ....Is that why I looked extra tired?_

He almost jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

''Here you go!'', Necro put a cup in front of him and Dead gave a small smile to the other man.

_Don't touch me!_

He wanted to push the bassist's hand away but he didn't dare say anything.

''Sit down will you'', Euronymous said to Necro.

Dead could hear how he guitarist tried to keep a light tone but he knew that things had been strained between the two band members.

''Why?'', Necro asked

Euronymous sighed, ''I want to talk about the next show. So sit down''.

The smile had left the guitarist's face now and he stared at the bassist.

Dead felt relieved as the hand finally left his shoulder but he still didn't want to look at Euronymous. As much as he wanted to suppress his emotions he couldn't help feeling angry towards the other man for leaving him even though he knew deep down that most of the anger was related to his own reactions and feelings towards everything that was happening.

Euronymous waited for the bassist to sit down again before asking when the show was.

''If you had answered the phone when they called you would have known...'', Necro mumbled annoyed.

Euronymous had to close his eyes in frustration and he looked at Hellhammer who just shrugged. The guitarist shook his head and got up from his chair.

''I was in the fucking shower okay? So are you going to tell me or not?'', he asked irritated and grabbed a sandwich.

Dead didn't say anything when the food was placed in front of him. He knew he had to eat and he could feel Euronymous eyes upon him so he took a small bite to please the guitarist.

''What, he can't get his own food now?'', Necro snorted from across the table and Dead lowered his eyes.

''For fuck sake man, didn't you just bring him coffee? Now shut up'', Hellhammer spoke up, clearly tired of all the bickering.

Dead swallowed and took another bite as he felt Euronymous stare at him again.

''Now, the concert is in two days'', the drummer said and held up his hand as he saw the look of disbelief in Euronymous eyes.

''Yes, I know, it's a short notice, but the other band that were going to play ditched and since you didn't pick up the phone that day, I had to give them an answer or else they would find somebody else...''.

''Yeah, it's cool, I get it,'', Euronymous nodded and crossed his arms, ''I still think we should have at least one new song though...''.

''I agree and I thought we could just work on the material that we already started on the other day, you know, with one of Dead's newest lyrics.'', Hellhammer said enthusiastically and leaned forward.

Euronymous smiled, feeling relieved that they already had something going on.

''Okay, good. That's good!'', Euronymous grinned and clapped his hands together.

He was ready as fuck to start playing. He glanced at the vocalist and was happy to see that the Swede was almost done eating. The only thing that bothered him was the hollow look in the blonde man's face. He thought Dead would feel better today but he seemed uninterested and non responsive as they were all talking. He wondered if the other mans depression was acting up again. The guitarist frowned at the thought. The last thing he wanted now was for Dead to go to his room alone and harm himself in any way.

_We have to start practice now so he can't leave_ ,

''Ready for some practice?'', Euronymous asked, standing up, and they all knew that wasn't really a question so everyone nodded yes and got up from their chairs.

''You okay?'', Euronymous quietly asked Dead as he walked past him.

''Fine'', was all the vocalist said and Euronymous sighed and wondered where it had went wrong this time.

As soon as Dead opened his mouth to scream in to the microphone, Euronymous became instantly aroused. He wasn't prepared for the vocalist's growling to be such a distraction because it had never been before, but now he had to concentrate extra hard on his guitar playing. He listened intently to how the Swedish man tore up his throat and couldn't help thinking it was the hottest, most erotic thing he had ever heard. He had always loved Dead's voice and the first time he had heard it in his car it had taken his breath away and he had thought

_''It was beautiful''_

Euronymous smiled a little to himself at how he had chosen to describe the frontman's voice that day. Looking at the other man now he felt excited at how calm and confident Dead appeared. The vocalist stole the room with his presence, just like he did on stage. It was such a natural environment for him to be in and it made him shine. When Dead threw his head back and gave a long piercing cry, the guitarist had to bite his lip from groaning. He couldn't believe he had been allowed to touch this dark creature. Couldn't believe he had made this twisted man that most people were unsure of, submit to him and moan in pleasure. It was a beautiful thing.

_He is a beautiful thing..._

After two hours Dead was breathing hard and his voice was beginning to crack. Euronymous wanted to push him against the wall and fuck him hard. He knew he couldn't do that though. Even after the others had left he had to be careful with taking the vocalist again since he had just been penetrated for the first time last night. The thought made him moan internally.

_I have to buy some fucking lube tomorrow_

He knew that he couldn't way longer than that to fuck the Swede again. Now he just had to wait for everyone to go so he could take Dead with him into the showers and eat him out instead.

''Good job guys! I think we're good for the next show, huh?'', Euronymous said.

''Really? Shouldn't we do at least one more practice tomorrow?'', Necro asked skeptically.

_Oh fucking hell..._

''Okay, fine, but don't get here too early....or too late!'', the guitarist said and Necro raised an eyebrow.

''You got other plans or something?'', the bassist asked.

Euronymous had no intention of telling them that he didn't want them to come early so he would have time to buy lube and that he especially didn't want them hanging around late at night as he was going to fuck his vocalist until he screamed.

''No, just don't want you fuckers waking me up or occupying my evening!'', Euronymous said with a grin and put his guitar away.

''Think his got a girl?'', Hellhammer smirked jokingly and Necro laughed at the annoyed look the guitarist wasn't able to hide from them.

''He looks guilty enough!'', Necro grinned, ''It's Ann-Marit isn't it? Fucking knew you two would get it on... how long has it been since you last fucked anyway?''.

''Shut up Necro!'', Euronymous yelled. He didn't mean to sound so angry.

''Why? Relax will you. Why are you so pissed? If you want to fuck Ann-Marit, you fuck Ann-Marit!'', Necro said and rolled his eyes.

'' I am NOT fucking her'', Euronymous said through gritted teeth.

''Fine, fine, whatever you say.'', Necro said and winked.

Euronymous wanted to punch him down.

''I'm going to make some calls and tell people that we're playing again'', Hellhammer said and Euronymous nodded.

''Do you want us to call Ann-Marit or will you do the honor yourself?'', Necro asked, snickering.

Euronymous was just about to say something when he heard the door being opened and then close with a slam.

Dead had left.

The guitarist paled and cursed under his breath. He had almost forgotten that the vocalist was in the room. He hadn't really thought that the frontman would care, he only knew that he himself felt surprisingly disgusted and annoyed at the thought of doing anything with Ann-Marit now.

''Fuck off, all of you'', Euronymous said more quietly and rubbed his face. He felt tired.

''See you tomorrow'', Hellhammer smiled and gave him a pat on the back.

Necro snorted but did the same before they both left. Euronymous waited until he heard the door close after them before leaving to find Dead. He quickly walked to the vocalist's room but was surprised when he didn't find him there. He ran downstairs as he heard footsteps and almost tackled the other man down just as the Swede was about to go outside.

''Let me go!'', Dead said irritated but didn't struggle in the guitarist's arms.

''Are you stupid? Come here'', Euronymous said and lead them over to the couch.

Dead didn't look at the other man but Euronymous would have none of that and pulled him closer.

''Why did you leave?'', Euronymous asked, holding the blonde man close.

''You can leave but I can't?'', Dead asked annoyed and Euronymous narrowed his eyebrows.

''What do you mean? Is this about Ann-Marit? I didn't really think you cared'', Euronymous said and regretted it immediately.

Dead's face went from angry to sad and the Swede turned his head away.

''Dead...'', Euronymous began.

''So you're actually...doing things with her?'', Dead interrupted and Euronymous could hear the bitterness in his voice.

''No, I didn't say that! And if you had payed attention a minute ago you would have heard me say that to the others too!'', Euronymous exclaimed impatiently.

''Whatever'', Dead whispered.

''Don't you fucking say that to me'', Euronymous said angry and grabbed Dead harder. He forced the other man to look at him and saw the fear in the Swedish mans eyes as he was held tighter.

''Now listen, I don't give a fuck about Ann-Marit or any other girl for that matter. Yes, I had my eyes on her, but only because I was getting desperate and she seemed to be interested. And NO, I have not done anything with her or have any plans on doing anything either! I don't... I don't need that now...right?'', Euronymous said and looked Dead in the eyes.

The vocalist nodded hesitantly and asked with an unsure voice, ''So.. if she comes on to you..?''.

''I'll tell her to fuck off'', Euronymous smiled and leaned down to kiss Dead.

''Look, I'm sorry for this even being an issue. I didn't think about any of this and never thought of it as a real problem. I guess I forgot about her after I started thinking about you, and I don't know what the fuck you and I are doing, but if it bothers you that I look at girls then I'll stop, okay?'', Euronymous said and was surprised at how he actually meant it.

He didn't think of himself as gay, but fantasizing about touching girls had become a complete turn off for him, and now the only slim, long haired person he wanted to fuck was his god damn vocalist. Euronymous smiled and shook his head at how completely okay he was with that.

Dead could only nod at what the Norwegian man was telling him. He felt he should be protesting, because he really didn't care, did he? He wasn't jealous, was he?

_Fuck me_ ...

…. _another new emotion_

Dead whined lowly and buried his face against the guitarist's neck.

''Oh, and I'm sorry for leaving you when the guys came. I just panicked and yeah...I'm sorry.'', Euronymous said and felt the vocalist relax more in his arms now.

He guided Dead's head up so he could kiss him passionately, ''Ready for that shower now?,'' he whispered and the frontman nodded breathlessly.

Upstairs in the bathroom Euronymous pushed Dead against the wall and claimed his lips hard.

''Thought those assholes would never leave...'', he panted against the other mans lips and grind his hips against Dead's abdomen.

The Swede moaned and threw his head back so Euronymous could bite his neck. Dead whimpered loudly and Euronymous groaned and kissed him again. The guitarist tugged off the Swedish mans pants as they made out but when he stripped him of his shirt he stopped to look at the blonde mans arms. Dead stood naked in front of him and Euronymous wanted nothing more than to throw him in the shower and devour him, but there was one thing holding him back...

_Fucking bandages..._

''I was thinking maybe we should remove those first?'', the Norwegian man said and pointed at Dead's arms.

''And put on some new before showering?'', Dead asked

''No, just shower without. Let the wounds breath as they say'', Euronymous answered and let a hand glide down the vocalist's body.

''Alright'', Dead shivered slightly.

''Yeah? It'll probably sting like a bitch if the water touches them though'', Euronymous said softly and graced his hand over Dead's shaft.

''Don't care'', Dead moaned quietly and arched into the touch.

Euronymous chukled, leaned forward and whispered, ''Psycho'', in the Swedish mans ear.

Dead answered by thrusting himself at the guitarist and moan against his neck.

''Come here, now!'', Euronymous commanded and dragged the other man into the shower.

The guitarist turned on the water so the warm spray hit the vocalist's back and Dead sighed softly at the feeling. The frontman watched with big eyes how the Norwegian man began stripping off his own clothes. His heart pounded as he saw the shirt being removed and his mouth parted at the sight of the other mans naked chest. When Euronymous began taking off his pants, Dead licked his lips unconsciously and gasped quietly when they were removed.

_He's so big..._

_All that was inside me?_  

No wondered he ached today. He blushed and looked shyly away when Euronymous caught him staring and he wished he wasn't so obviously aroused at the sight in front of him.

Euronymous stepped in to the shower and Dead stared awkwardly at the ground. The vocalist didn't know what to do but the guitarist gently took the lead and put his arms around him and kissed him slowly. Dead's heart pounded as he felt their naked bodies being pressed against each other. The Norwegian man carefully guided him backwards so he was leaning against the wall as he continued to kiss him.

''Let's get the boring part over with first'', Euronymous said and grabbed the shower gel.

He kept kissing the frontman as he poured the soap into his hand and began rubbing it all over the other mans chest. Dead moaned in to the kiss as the warm hands massaged his upper body. It felt so fucking good and he was about to relax when he suddenly winced and arched away.

''Fuck, fuck, fuck!'', Dead cried out as the water ran over his cuts.

He shrank away from the shower and cursed loudly again. Tears were gathering in his eyes and he swallowed hard and tried to force them away. Euronymous arms were suddenly around him again and he was pulled into a warm and safe hug. The guitarist had turned down the shower and was now holding him as he shamefully let a couple of tears fall.

''I know, I know'', Euronymous said soothingly and stroked Dead's back, ''They look a lot better already though.'', he smiled and tilted the vocalist's head up and gave him a small kiss.

Dead was so embarrassed by his reaction.

_What the hell was that_?!

He screamed at himself. He had NEVER cried for pain before, no matter how many times he had sliced up his arms. He was known for not even flinching as the knife tore through his flesh. But here he was now, crying because of some stupid water. The thought made him pull himself together and he stepped away from the embrace.

''Hey, hey, hey...don't you go all fucking emotionless on me now'', Euronymous said and pushed him against the wall again.

Before Dead could react he was turned around and had to brace himself against the tiles when the guitarist pressed his body against him from behind. A soapy hand ran over his ass and spread him open before two fingers played against his entrance.

''Lets start cleaning you hear now, shall we?'', Euronymous half whispered to him and pushed two fingers carefully in.

Dead writhed and gasped as the fingers moved in and out of him. He whimpered when a warm water spray hit his ass and arched as the fingers pulled out and spread him more open so the water could hit his entrance.

''Good boy. Spread your legs wider'', Euronymous said to him and Dead did as he was told as the humiliation grew inside his body.

Euronymous let the water spray against his hole as the two fingers worked on cleaning away the old cum that was still inside him. Dead closed his eyes in shame and whimpered weakly against the wall.

''Feels good to be clean, hm?'', the Norwegian man asked teasingly and rubbed his entrance as he put away the shower head.

Dead nodded humiliated and took a shaking breath.

''I want to fuck you so badly, but I know that it's just going to be more pain than pleasure for you so I'll just settle for tasting you again'', the guitarist said and the vocalist moaned at the words.

''I promised I wouldn't hurt you, right?'', Euronymous asked as he kissed down Dead's back and crouched down so that he was sitting behind the blonde man.

Dead smiled a little at the last thing the other man said and gasped loudly as a warm tongue licked his asshole carefully at first, before his hips were grabbed hard and he was roughly pulled back against the mouth. Euronymous penetrated him at once and began tongue fucking him thoroughly as he moaned and whimpered in pleasure.

''Is it good?'', the guitarist asked him and Dead sobbed in need.

It was so fucking amazing and he clung to the wall as his insides were stimulated by the wet muscle. It felt so intense for him already and he had to arch away when it became almost too much. Euronymous wouldn't let him get far as he forced him back so he could run his tongue over his entrance again and again. Dead sobbed loudly and threw his head back. He was so fucking aroused and his cock leaked as it was still untouched.

Euronymous panted against the other mans ass.

_He's so fucking sensitive down here_

The Norwegian man grinned before spreading the ass in front of him even more so he could penetrate it deeper. A broken sob had the guitarist moan and he grabbed his own cock to jerk himself off. He quietly groaned as the gaping hole of the Swede began dripping with saliva and it only took a couple of hard strokes before he came silently as he ate out his vocalist.

''Euronymous, please!'', Dead suddenly sobbed and Euronymous pulled back a little.

''Tell me what you want'', the guitarist said and let two fingers glide over the glistening entrance.

The Swedish man keened and pushed his ass back.

''Go on now, tell me'', Euronymous said encouragingly and very slowly pushed the fingers inside the wet heat.

Dead whimpered and arched against him.

''Please...please'', the vocalist begged and panted hard as the fingers gently rubbed his prostate.

''What?'', Euronymous stood up and leaned against him so he could kiss his neck.

Dead moaned in frustration. He wanted to cum, wanted to be touched, but he was so ashamed to say the words and beg for it. As he was slowly fingered he hid his face against his arms and cried out when his prostate was mercilessly rubbed.

''Oh fuck, please, please!'', he pleaded again and thrust his ass back.

Euronymous smiled, ''Is this what you want?'', he asked and wrapped his hand around the blonde man's cock.

Dead writhed hard in his arms, ''Yes, yes!'' he sobbed and closed his eyes in pleasure.

''I'm sorry...i'm sorry...'', the vocalist panted as he was being jerked off.

Euronymous furrowed his eyebrows, ''Why are you sorry?'', he asked gently and pumped the other mans erection faster.

''I... didn't want to stop you... but...I needed to...'', Dead gasped out the words and it sounded like he was choking on his tears again.

''You needed to cum?'', Euronymous finished for him and stroked over the head of his cock.

Dead moaned over and over again as he was masturbated and fingered more roughly.

''Yes!'', he sobbed humiliated and bit his lip hard against the tears that threatened to fall.

''Then cum for me now.'', Euronymous said and showed his fingers deeper inside the vocalist's ass before turning the blonde mans head so he could claim his lips.

Dead moaned and came hard as their mouths moved together. He shivered as he climaxed and felt his legs go weak. Euronymous supported him and let him lose control in his arms. The Swedish man whimpered after his orgasm and sobbed quietly as the fingers were pulled out of him.

Euronymous smiled at Dead as he turned him around, ''Let's rinse off and then get the fuck out of here'' he said.

Dead was still breathing unsteady so he just nodded and let the guitarist take the lead again as he cleaned off all the soap from their bodies.

''Let's go'', Euronymous said softly and pulled Dead in for a kiss before leading them out.

He wrapped a towel around himself and the vocalist and smiled as the blonde man just stood in the middle of the room, looking unsure. Without speaking, Euronymous dried off Dead's arms and carefully put new bandages around them.

''How about popcorn and a movie?'', he asked and the Swede responded with a smile.

''Good'', Euronymous said and dried off quickly before going over to kiss Dead again.

''I'll go get everything ready, okay?'', the guitarist said as he got dressed.

Dead nodded and was happy to see that the other man took with him the old, bloody clothes from that night that still made him cringe in humiliation. As he dried off he found himself searching for any dark thoughts inside his mind and was surprised when he found nothing. He felt empty, but not in a bad way. Just content, tired and ready to relax. It almost made him nervous to feel like this.

When he walked down the stairs a few minutes later he saw that the guitarist had put popcorn and sodas on the table and that he had found pillows and blankets for them.

''I figured that we would maybe crash down here tonight... I don't know about you but I'm surprisingly tired and I'd like to able to fall asleep if I want to'', Euronymous said with a more serious face than the situation called for and Dead laughed out loud.

''I get it'', he said with a smirk as he sat down on the couch and eyed the popcorn bowl.

''Knew you would understand'', the guitarist said and Dead giggled.

He was about to lean back in his seat as the movie started when Euronymous sat down and pulled him into his arms. The frontman was just able to grab the popcorn before he was caught in the warm embrace.

''By the way, I put your stage clothes in the washing machine but you can bury them or whatever if that's what you want to before the show... but at least they'll be clean before you do it'', Euronymous mumbled out the last part and Dead laughed again.

The Swedish man sighed happily and smiled when a blanket was put over him and he snuggled into the man behind him, ready to enjoy the rest of the evening and night.

 


	7. Chapter 7

It was dark inside the house and Dead blinked to adjust his eyes to the poor lightning. He tried to look at the clock on the wall and it showed that it was five in the morning.

''Fuck'', he sighed quietly and wished he could just fall asleep again. He was so fucking tired and longed for just one good night of sleep.

The Swedish man whimpered brokenly and cursed himself for being so hopeless. The small sound made the man behind him on the couch stir and he closed his eyes as strong arms held him tighter, making it difficult for him to get away.

_I don't mind..._

He thought, and wished it was true. His body ached for the comfort and warmth the guitarist gave him, but his mind was getting restless and forced his heart to beat faster and faster until he couldn't take it anymore.

_I have to get out!_

''What are you doing?'', Euronymous murmured half asleep as Dead almost unwillingly untangled himself from the soft embrace.

He was now standing on shaking legs, feeling weirdly vulnerable and insecure. He almost felt that what he was doing was wrong and he was scared that the other man would disapprove of him.

''I just...'', he began, not knowing what to say.

''Alright'', Euronymous slurred, clearly falling back to sleep again.

For a split second Dead wondered if he should just lie back down. He felt so cold standing here alone and as he looked at Euronymous he wished the guitarist would wake up and pull him back into his arms again.

_I would follow..._

A small sting of disappointment shot through the frontman when nothing happened. The vocalist looked one last time at the other man before turning his back on him and leaving.

Outside it was quiet. The rain had stopped and the lack of wind had surrounded the house in a heavy fog that made everything look eerie and ''...dead...'', he whispered and closed his eyes before breathing in the thick air.

He began walking slowly towards the woods, smiling at the atmosphere the fog created. The forest lay misty before him and as he entered he breathed out a sigh of relief. The Swedish man wandered beneath the tall trees until he reached the same spot he had been to the day Euronymous had found him and dragged him back to the house. He sank to his knees on the moist ground and let his hands grasp the wet grass and mold underneath him. It felt so good to hold to something that was just pure nature. Nothing more nothing less.

_This is real_

He calmly closed his eyes and smiled as he felt that his body and mind was getting tired again. He wished he could just fall asleep here.

_Forever_

A sudden picture of the guitarist smiling warmly at him made him open his eyes and he panted lightly as he was brought back to reality. He shivered and looked around the woods. Something didn't feel right and the peacefulness he had just relieved in was now replaced by a creeping feeling of anxiety.

_I don't want to be alone..._  

He looked nervously around him once again and felt frightened by his own emotions. He wondered what had caused it when suddenly Euronymous' smile appeared in his mind again and he felt a sting in his heart. He slowly stood up on shaking legs. 

_I don't want to be here._

_Not forever._

The vocalist swallowed hard and choked down a sob. He wanted to feel warm and safe with the guitarist arms around him again. With a quick pace he moved through the trees, determined to get back to the house as fast as he could.

Dead walked with slow steps over to the couch where Euronymous was still sleeping. The guitarist had turned over on his back and taken up almost all of the space. Dead bit his lip and sighed frustrated. He thought he could just slip into the other mans arms again without having to wake him up, but now that there was no room for him he felt nervous and uncomfortable. He knew he should just push the guitarist aside but he felt somewhat anxious at the thought of claiming his space like that.

He was scared that the Norwegian man suddendly didn't want him there anymore, or that he was angry at him for some reason.  Dead wished the other man would just wake up so he didn't have to stand here and feel so insecure. The guitarist was clearly in a deep sleep however and the vocalist whimpered low in frustration and looked out the window, wondering if he should just go out again.

_Maybe that's where I belong anyway..._

With a sinking feeling of rejection, Dead turned around and crashed right in to the table.

''Fucking shit!'', he cried out after he had completely forgotten how they had pulled the furniture further towards the couch so they could reach their drinks as they were lying down. He growled at the pain in his leg and cursed under his breath.

''Nice'', Euronymous mumbled from behind him and Dead spun around to see the tired face of the other man.

''I...fuck...I'm sorry'', the frontman fumbled with his words and was terrified that he had managed to fuck everything up.

''Whatever. What are you doing anyway? Are you leaving?'', Euronymous asked more awake now.

Dead swallowed and looked outside the window again at the woods, ''No, I'm not'', he said and felt his heart pound as he stared into the eyes of the guitarist.

''Then get back here you fucker'', Euronymous said smiling, and made room for the Swede on the couch.

Dead breathed out a sigh of relief and lied down again next to the other man. He was immediately pulled back into the guitarist's arms and he closed his eyes, feeling safe and warm.

_This is where I belong_

The blonde man breathed in deeply and forced all the dark thoughts out of his head so he could join Euronymous in a peaceful sleep.

The next time the Swedish man opened his eyes, the living room was lit up by sunshine and he narrowed his eyes at the bright light. He couldn't believe he had actually slept for so long without waking up again. Euronymous' arm were lying heavy on top of him and when he shifted slightly he could feel the other mans erection pressed up against his backside. Feeling nervous, he pushed back just a little to see if the guitarist would react. As if he had just been waiting for it, Euronymous almost jumped up, grabbed the vocalist's hands and forced them above his head.

''Can I help you?'', the guitarist smirked down at the embarrassed Swede who was completely caught of guard.

Dead shook his head, feeling awkward now at how he had arched back against the other man.

''You sure about that?'', Euronymous said teasingly and let one of his hand caress down the blonde mans body while the other kept a firm grip on the Swedish mans arms.

The guitarist carefully opened up Dead's pants and pulled them completely off.

''Let me take care of that, hm?'', Euronymous whispered and wrapped his hand around Dead's erection.

The vocalist's eyes fluttered close at the sensation. He didn't know he was so hard and it made him moan in pleasure when the hand around his cock pumped him slowly.

''Look at you. So hard for me already'', Euronymous said in a soft voice and Dead writhed underneath the intense glare from the other man.

The frontman tried to move his arms but they were locked down in a tight grip still above his head. As he arched his lower body up, wanting more pleasure, Euronymous put one of his legs over both of the vocalist's own so he couldn't move them either. Dead's heart pounded at the restriction. He was now completely unable to move and he shivered at the thought. The Norwegian man looked down at him, smiled, and let go of his cock so he could push his shirt up as far as it would go, exposing his naked body more.

Dead was fully erect now and whimpered in mercy as the guitarist stroked his chest so lightly it almost tickled him. He tried to arch away from the touch but the other man ran his fingers softly over his stomach and abdomen, teasing him and making him whine at the humiliating position he was forced into.

''Euronymous please!'', he pleaded as his cock began leaking precum after being teased and caressed in all other places except where he wanted to be touched the most.

''Tell me'', Euronymous said and let his hand glide down the Swede's chest so the blonde man writhed hard underneath him.

''Please!'', Dead begged and closed his eyes in frustration.

''Tell me what you want this time. I know you can do it'', Euronymous said in a gentle voice before stroking lightly over the hard shaft of the Swedish man.

Dead gasped at the small touch and shook his head. Euronymous wanted more than anything to take the blonde mans cock into his hand again and milk him to orgasm, but he was determined to make Dead voice his lust and be comfortable enough to ask for the pleasure he wanted.

''Tell me Dead'', Euronymous repeated, stroking his hipbone and massaging his thigh. Dead parted his lips and arched his lower body as far as it would go in the tight lock.

''Please...'', he whispered. He turned his head away, feeling ashamed of himself for begging so much.

''No'', Euronymous whispered back and leaned down so he hovered just above the blonde mans face.

Dead shut his eyes tight, finding it almost hard to breathe all of a sudden.

His eyes began to water, ''Please...'', he began, and stopped so he could swallow down a sob, ''Please....t-touch me....''.

The frontman bit his lip hard at the shameful tears that threatened to fall. He had finally asked for it. Had finally dared to beg for the physical contact he so desperately needed and longed for.

A gentle hand turned his head back before a pair of soft lips captured his own. Dead moaned into the kiss before increasing in sound as a firm hand finally placed itself around his cock again.

''Yes'', he sobbed and arched into the touch.

Euronymous looked down at the blonde man and smiled. He felt proud of the Swede for finding the courage to ask for a touch and not just reject it. A part of him was also feeling a small pride over the fact that it was he who had made the depressed and closed man open up and expose his vulnerable side.

''Good boy'', Euronymous said and deepened the kiss as he masturbated Dead in a slow rhythm.

The blonde man moaned over and over again into the kiss and when the guitarist's hand graced the head of his erection, Dead tore his mouth away so he could gasp loudly. Euronymous kept kissing down his neck as he whimpered after more.

''Euronymous'', Dead moaned and thrust into the hand that refused to stroke him faster.

The guitarist was jerking him off in an agonizingly slow pace and it made him want to cry in frustration. The hand around his cock were slowly pumping him and every time it reached the top it glided over the sensitive head, forcing him to arch up at the intense pleasure without being able to go far because of his still restricted body. Euronymous kept on stroking him like this for what seemed like forever and he became so hard and leaking, and so fucking desperate after release.

''You know what I'm going to do today?'', the Norwegian man asked, pumping his hand oh so fucking slowly up and down Dead's shaft.

Dead was panting hard by now and was unable to speak. His whole body was tingling in built up lust and every touch had him screaming after an orgasm.

''I'm going to go to the store and by some lube so I can fuck you hard tonight'', the guitarist said, seeming unfazed at the agonizing state the Swedish man was in.

Dead parted his lips and continued to breathe hard as the hand was still moving slowly over his dripping erection. He almost couldn't take it anymore and when Euronymous told him that he was going to get fucked again later, he finally burst into tears and pleaded silently to be allowed to cum.

''Why are you crying? Are you worried that I'm not going to use my tongue anymore now that I'm buying lube?'', Euronymous asked teasingly and watched the vocalist try to hide his face as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

''Please'', Dead sobbed humiliated, wishing his hands weren't locked so he could dry his eyes.

''Please what? Please eat my ass? Oh don't worry, I'm still going to enjoy licking that tight hole of yours. You taste way too good to not do that. I'd eat you out every night if I could... oh wait... I can!'', Euronymous smirked and loved seeing the humiliated face of the Swede.

Dead didn't think he could become more aroused, but after hearing Euronymous talk about licking his ass he felt his eyes roll into the back of his head as his cock twitched at the words. As embarrassed as he was to admit it to himself, he had come to love being eaten out and he sobbed loudly at the thought of the guitarist's tongue inside him.

''I just need it now so I won't hurt you when I show my cock inside your ass again after recently fucking you for the first time'', Euronymous said to him in a low, dark voice that had Dead tremble.

''Oh god, Euronymous I can't'', the frontman whimpered exhausted after the head of his cock was yet again slowly touched and smeared with precum.

''You want more?'', Euronymous asked innocently and Dead keened loudly as fresh tears gathered in his eyes.

''Yes – Yes!'', he sobbed.

''More of what?'', Euronymous knew he was pushing the vocalist past his limits now, but he didn't want it to end yet. His own heart was beating so fast at the erotic sight in front of him. Dead's whole body was trembling and glistening as he gasped after breath at the tortures pace he was being handled.

''Please....f-faster...please t-touch me faster'', the blonde man choked out after another unbearable slow stroke over his erection. He whined loudly and cried out in desperation after more.

''Euronymous!'', Dead sobbed in despair and began to cry again.

Euronymous leaned closer to the other man and kissed his exposed throat as he increased the speed of his hand.

''Yes – more – please!'', Dead cried hard and panted out of breath.

''Please touch me, please'', the Swedish man begged unable to control his actions any longer.

He arched and writhed in desperation, cried until his face became wet from tears, and begged and pleaded shamelessly after more.

''I need – please I need...'', Dead sobbed as the hand stroked him faster and faster.

He clenched his hands together and grit his teeth as the orgasm built up inside him. Euronymous' hand masturbated him hard and fast now and the guitarist stared intensely down at him as he moaned in pleasure.

''What do you need?'', Euronymous asked in a thick voice, he was so aroused himself now. This had to be the hottest thing he had ever witnessed.

_I'm going to fuck him so hard tonight_

Dead parted his lips and whimpered as the other mans mouth kissed and bit his neck.

''Please'', he whispered and swallowed down his tears.

''Please, please, I need... I need to c-cum...'', Dead begged and blushed in humiliation at his final request.

''Oh fuck'', Euronymous moaned above the blonde man and kissed him passionately as he jerked him off to orgasm.

Dead kissed back with as much passion and opened his mouth to the other mans tongue as he lost control over his body and came all over the guitarist's hand. He moaned as he climaxed hard and Euronymous had to hold him down as he arched high at the intense orgasm. The guitarist kept stroking him until he couldn't take it anymore. He whimpered and looked pleadingly at the man above him who with a last stroke that had him shudder all over, let go of his cock and pulled him into his arms again.

''Such a good boy'', Euronymous said and Dead could only nod breathlessly as he was being cradled.

''I'm so proud of you'', the guitarist's continued and the words brought tears to Dead's eyes.

_I can't take anymore tears!_

He desperately tried as hard as he could to make them go away.

''So fucking proud of you'', Euronymous said again and Dead sobbed brokenly as he let the tears fall.

He cried into the other mans neck as his emotions created chaos inside him. Even though it felt so good to be praised and held and comforted, his mind was still harboring dark thoughts that tried to fight their way back in to make him feel lonely, careless and dead.

In a way he loved his darkness. It had always felt familiar and secure to retreat to his empty state of mind and had for many years shaped him and inspired him to be the musician he was today. And he fucking loved that. He had always thought he would live life in solitary and had for a long time accepted that this world was not for him and that one day soon he would find his way to life eternal in an empty oblivion. No more life, meant no more pain, and wasn't that what he had always wanted?

_No_

After realizing that he could find comfort in another person he wished a part of his darkness would leave him alone.

''Please no'', he whispered almost soundlessly at the thoughts in his head. He didn't know if the other man had heard him but Euronymous held him even closer and he clung to the warmth of the guitarist.

Of all the people he could have found comfort in, it turned out to be the arrogant and unsympathetic leader of the band he played in. He knew that most people had a love/hate relationship towards the Norwegian man. Euronymous had some amazing visions and creative views on what he wanted with his music and people praised him for that. But he had a tendency to be selfish and not give enough credit to those around him who helped make the visions come to life. Because of that there were many who couldn't stand being friends with him, and in a way Dead thought Euronymous knew that and that was why he kept saying he didn't really have any close friends at all.

And here they were now together on the couch. The selfish guitarist who only cared about himself were now making sure that the depressed vocalist who hated being touched felt safe and secure in his arms.

_If anyone saw us now...._

''I thought I should leave and get the stuff we need, including some food back, before the guys show up'', Euronymous said and released Dead from his arms. Dead nodded and looked at the ground.

''Hey, you can come with me if you want to you know'', the guitarist said with a smile and the frontman smiled back and shook his head.

''No, I'll stay. Don't really want to see other people'', Dead mumbled and pulled his pants back on before standing up.

The sun was shining brightly outside and he closed his eyes as the light hit his face. Suddenly Euronymous pressed his lips against his own and he moaned quietly.

''Alright. I'll be back as fast as I can. You will be fine, right?''. the Norwegian man asked and Dead smiled again at the genuine concern he heard in the other mans voice.

A cloud of thoughts contending all the dark things he could do to himself while he was alone flashed through his mind, but he forced them away and focused on what was here and now.

''I'll be fine...I got things to do anyway'', Dead said and Euronymous raised an eyebrow at that.

''Just some writing and drawing!'', the Swede said defensive.

''And maybe some burying of clothes?'', Euronymous grinned and laughed out loud at the offended look on the vocalist's face.

''Yeah...well..Maybe!'' Dead answered and looked annoyed at the ground.

''Whatever. You be you Dead!'', Euronymous chuckled mockingly and claimed the blonde man's lips again before he could say anything more.

''See you later then'', Euronymous said after he ended the deep kiss and grabbed his jacket before leaving the house.

The guitarist's kiss was lingering on the Swedish mans lips as he made his way to the washing room where is stage clothes had been hung up to dry. As he looked at the garments he wondered for a second if he should just leave them there.

''Fuck that'', he murmured and pulled them down so he could carry them outside.

If he really was going to stay on this god forsaken earth longer than he planned then he needed at least to still feel some connection to the life beyond the grave. He couldn't not do these things and he knew there would always be a part of him that would devote himself to death. He would always be Dead though _._

_Just a bit more alive...._

He smiled to himself and found a perfect spot behind the house to dig in the moist dirt. It felt nice to be completely alone. After he had finished burying his clothes, he sat down on the ground next to the shovel, closed his eyes and enjoyed the solitude.

Back on the road, Euronymous thought of everything that had happened over the last days and couldn't believe he was on his way to buy fucking lube so he could fuck another man in the ass.

''What the hell has this world come to...'', he mumbled to himself and pulled up at the shop.

It was more of a grocery store because he didn't dare drive to a sex shop and buy some real shit there. Not that if anyone saw him they would care, but he kinda wanted no one to know that he was actually having a sex life now. He wanted them to think of him as someone who dedicated all his energy to music and not wasted his time on things like sex and relationships that potentially could disrupt his career.

_Besides,_ _if I already fuck someone in my band it's not that much of a disturbance anyway_

He smirked and got out of the car before slamming the door shut.

Inside the store he decided to walk around and grab some food related items first before heading over to where all the body products were. He stared hopelessly at the selection and wondered what the fuck he could use for lubrication. Finally his eyes landed on a small yellow box with the words 'Vaseline' written on it. He smiled and grabbed it quickly. 

_Perfect!_

No one would suspect him of using it to open up his vocalist's ass.

_Maybe I should buy two?_

He didn't know how much he would need but if he had two then he hopefully didn't have to buy more for some time.

_...How long are you planning on fucking him?_

He asked himself and felt a knot in his stomach at the thought of ending whatever he was doing with the blonde man. He didn't want to admit it but he knew deep down he wanted it to last for as long as it could. Whether he liked it or not, the thing he was doing with Dead had woken new feelings inside him and as much as it scared him to think about it, he had come to care more about the Swede than he initially had wanted.

_Time to head back and check that everything is fine_

''Hi'', a tall, long haired man suddenly greeted him and Euronymous took a step back and narrowed his eyes.

_Where have I seen him before?_

He was clearly younger, but he carried himself in a way that could easily make him appear older than he was.

''I just wanted to tell you that I thought you were great. At the concert the other day. It was fucking amazing'', the young man said in a strong Bergen dialect and Euronymous nodded hesitantly.

''Okay. Thanks'', he said impatiently and was just about to leave before the taller man stepped in front of him again.

''My name is Varg'', the long haired man said and suddenly Euronymous remembered where he had seen him.

It was the same guy he had crashed into when he went to get some more beer in the kitchen that night at the last party they had.

_Stupid fuck..._

He rolled his eyes internally has he thought about how this guy also came to their concerts.

_Guess we need all the fans we can get..._

''Nice to meet you Varg'', Euronymous said quickly and walked past him.He didn't have time for this meet and greet shit.

He sighed heavily as the other man followed him to the cash register. The guitarist could feel Varg's eyes rest upon him and it made him irritated. The younger man was standing too close to him as he was paying and he couldn't grab his stuff fast enough when he was done so he could get the fuck out before Varg had finished paying for his own shit.

_Just a few more seconds and I'll be back in the car again_

He suddenly stopped abruptly before cursing loudly. The guitarist gritted his teeth and unwillingly turned around and waited for the other man. He didn't want to, but he knew he had to spread the words of their next concert to get as many as they could to come.

''Listen, we're playing again tomorrow. You should come'', Euronymous said and forced a smile as the young man appeared outside.

Varg looked at him with the same intense glare that was beginning to make the guitarist feel uncomfortable.

_What the fuck is wrong with this guy?_

The young man grinned at him and Euronymous felt that it was about time to leave.

''So...I'll see you...'', the guitarist said and hurried inside his car.

''Yeah, see you tomorrow!'' Varg yelled after him and Euronymous wondered if he had made a mistake inviting the other man.

_Time will tell I guess..._

As soon as he got out of the car back home he saw Dead wander out from back of the house and he gave him a big smile.

_Looks like the fucker has buried his clothes now._

It had only been an hour since he last saw him but Euronymous felt his stomach tighten, his heart pound and his cock twitch at the sight of the Swedish man walking carefree towards him. He wanted to ravish him right there up against one of the tall pine trees next to the house.

_Oh god I want to fuck him so badly_

He sent the frontman a lustful stare just as another car pulled in to the driveway. It was Necro and Hellhammer.

''You coming or leaving?'', Helhammer asked as he got out of the car.

''Coming! Just bought some food and shit'', Euronymous said and grabbed the bags from the car. He didn't want the others to go through them and find the vaseline before he had got a chance to hide it.

''Alright. Ready for practice?'', Hellhammer walked with him to the house while Necro and Dead followed right behind.

''Bring it on! Can't wait to play again. So fucking awesome that it's already tomorrow'', Euronymous said excited and threw the grocery bags inside the kitchen as the others made their way upstairs.

Before leaving though, he quickly snatched the two little yellow boxes up from one of the bags and put them in his pocket. He felt so naughty knowing that he was caring around lubrication to use on their vocalist's asshole later.

_Fuck that ass so hard this time_...

He smirked and felt a small pride at the fact that he had not touched himself all day even though he desperately wanted to after jerking off Dead earlier.

''Fuck'', he mumbled and stroked over his crotch as he thought back to how he had held the blonde man down and masturbated him so agonizingly slow that he finally broke down and begged to be touched more. It was such a fucking breakthrough and he knew that this time when he fucked Dead, the vocalist would be more willing to spread his legs for him.

''Are you coming or not?!'', Necro yelled down and Euronymous almost instantly lost his erection at the sound of their bassist's voice.

_Piece of shit..._

He sighed and went upstairs.

They played through their normal two hours practice and when they were done Euronymous cheered enthusiastically and grinned at the other band members. He was so fucking happy with the way they sounded and he couldn't wait to show off their music to everyone who wanted to listen.

''I think we all can agree on that we're good and ready for tomorrow?'', Euronymous said and stretched his arms.

The others nodded in agreement and the guitarist looked at the Swede who was breathing hard with a slight flush to his cheek. Euronymous wanted to kiss him but had to settle on just tossing an arm around his shoulder and smirk at him. He felt Dead tense automatically but then relax soon after.

''Anyone hungry?'', Hellhammer asked and Euronymous rolled his eyes.

''Is that all you ever do?'', he smirked and laughed as Hellhammer flipped him off.

''You ought to be more grateful for me feeding your skinny ass!'', the drummer said with a smile.

''Yes, I'm sorry. Please forgive me oh mighty maker of the sandwich!'', Euronymous laughed on his way downstairs.

He was in a surprisingly good mood and the others seemed to have been picking up on that. There had been no big arguments between him and Necro and he was so thrilled about the upcoming show that he actually didn't mind that the other members seemed to be staying for some time longer than planned.

As Dead past him he grabbed his arm and said to him in a low voice before anyone else saw, ''Don't go, okay? Stay here''.

He knew the vocalist would like to retreat to his own room but Euronymous wanted him to stay with him. Dead looked like he was about to protest, but when the guitarist stroked his arm gently, he nodded reluctantly instead.

''Good boy'', Euronymous whispered to him and Dead swallowed hard and looked down on the ground.

_He's so quickly embarrassed now_!

Euronymous groaned internally as he watched the Swede sit down on the couch where he had just a few hours ago been pinned downed and forced to beg for release.

Much later Necro and Hellhammer drove off after hours of talking and generally having a fucking good time. Euronymous closed the door after the two members and turned around to smile at the vocalist who was still sitting on the couch as he had promised. Dead looked so tired and miserable now that they were finally alone and he didn't have to pretend to enjoy himself any longer. It wasn't that it was so horrible for the frontman to be with the others, but it was so exhausting to stay down here for such a long time when all he wanted to do was to crawl into bed and be alone.

''Hope you haven't forgotten our little plans'', Euronymous said, walking over to the Swedish man.

Dead sighed and put his head in his hand. He didn't feel like doing anything right now and shook his head in defeat.

''Come on now. You know I'll make it worth your while'', the guitarist said, crouching down so he could be on the same level as the vocalist.

He gently touched Dead's face and made him look at him. Dead whimpered before nodding.

''That's it'', Euronymous smiled and lead him upstairs and in to his own bedroom this time.

Dead looked around the room and felt a wave of excitement wash over him as he was being gently pushed down on the guitarist's bed. Before he knew it though he was kissed hard and stripped of his shirt and pants in quick and desperate movements. The other man was clearly ready for what was about to happen and Dead couldn't really blame him.

''Fuck I can't wait'', Euronymous panted against his lips and pushed his still clothed body against Dead's own naked one.

They both moaned and Dead breathed hard as his legs were spread roughly.

''Oh shit, so fucking hot'', Euronymous mumbled more to himself as he stared at the entrance of the Swedish man.

Dead writhed a bit uncomfortable but tried to relax and not feel so embarrassed again.

''Just a little taste...'', the guitarist murmured and licked the hole in front of him before letting his tongue penetrate it so he could lick the sensitive inner walls in deep motions. He took a hold of Dead's hips and moaned as he ate him out.

The vocalist raised his arms above his head and grabbed the sheets as he panted in pleasure.

''Fuck I could to this forever'', Euronymous said as he gave a final long lick to the wet hole.

He quickly took out one of the vaseline boxes from his pocket as Dead's legs trembled in his grip. The Norwegian man lifted his gaze and saw how submissive the Swede looked and he groaned at the sight. The guitarist dipped two of his fingers into the small container before grazing them over the other mans entrance. Dead gasped above him and Euronymous smeared the lubrication all over his opening.

''Yes..'', Dead whimpered and moaned as the two fingers slowly pushed into him.

It felt so good and the vaseline gave such a wonderful relief to his slightly sore insides. The fingers worked on opening him up and were now thrusting gently in and out of him, gradually adding more lubrication so he would become wet enough.

Euronymous almost drooled at the sight as he shoved his fingers faster and faster inside the now gaping hole. Dead was moaning so loudly as he was being fingered and Euronymous smirked at how much the Swede loved getting his hole penetrated.

_Who would have thought..._

He smiled and leaned over the other man as he fingered him roughly.

''Ready for something bigger?'', Euronymous asked teasingly and bent his fingers so he could give the blonde a prostate massage as he kissed him.

''Yes'', Dead moaned and Euronymous smiled in surprise as he did not expect an answer.

With one last hard rub against Dead's prostate that had him take a trembling breath, the guitarist pulled out his fingers and smirked down at the panting man on his bed. He pulled down his own pants and smeared his cock with a generous amount of vaseline before grabbing Dead's legs and placing himself at the wet entrance.

Dead whimpered as the guitarist's cock pushed against him. He was nervous and not because he was afraid it would hurt, but because the first time had been so emotional for him and he didn't think he could handle anymore of that today.

''You okay?'', Euronymous asked him softly and saw the tense look on the other mans face.

Dead bit his lip hard but nodded as the guitarist spread his ass a bit more before kissing him as he was penetrated deeply in one quick motion. The Swedish man threw his head back and cried out at the pressure inside him. Because of the vaseline it barley hurt but it still felt somewhat uncomfortable to be so completely filled up so fast. Euronymous shifted a bit so he could hit the right spot inside the blonde man and he almost came at the desperate moan of mixed pain and pleasure from the vocalist. He loved this. Loved fucking the other man and loved seeing him in such a vulnerable and helpless situation.

Dead licked his lips and moaned loudly again. He shut his eyes tight as Euronymous fucked him hard and hit his prostate with every thrust.

''Fuck..'', he whimpered when his cock became fully erect. He arched in pleasure and whimpered again as the guitarist moaned above him.

''Oh god...'', Dead sobbed at the deep penetration that had the other mans cock constantly rub against his sensitive inner walls.

''You're doing so good for me Dead'', Euronymous panted

''Let your body enjoy this. Feel how good it is as I fuck you'', the guitarist groaned and rotated his hips so his cock pressed hard against the frontman's prostate.

Dead bit his hand at the intense feeling and he thought he would explode from pleasure as the cock inside him over and over again pushed against the right spot that had him sob after more. He was becoming more and more aroused and he choked on a whimper as he arched up against the other man.

''Please, please, please'', he whispered and screamed loudly as Euronymous suddenly pulled all the way out before thrusting hard back into him again.

Unable to do anything else but lie there and take it, he parted his lips at the intense pleasure and closed his eyes, panting hard.

''That's it yes'', Euronymous said, pounding into the man underneath him.

Dead sobbed and the guitarist smiled as the vocalist had to shut his eyes at the pleasure he was given.

''Please'', Dead cried and Euronymous saw that his cock was beginning to drip precum.

The Swedish man was close to cumming and the guitarist thrust hard into him.

''Want me to jerk you off before I cum inside you? Have you cum all over yourself first before I fill you up?'', Euronymous asked in a low voice and Dead blushed at how dirty it made him feel.

The Swedish man whimpered and nodded breathlessly. He shuddered as the Norwegian man grabbed his cock and arched into the hand as he clutched the bed sheets under him.

''Fuck yes...'', the guitarist almost shouted and slammed into the blonde man faster and harder.

''You want to cum now? Don't you?'', Euronymous asked and pumped the vocalist's cock.

Dead moaned as he was being stroked faster.

''There you go. Look at that. All so wet and good for me'', the guitarist whispered as he lifted the Swede's legs over his shoulder so he could fuck him even deeper.

Dead whimpered as he felt his legs were shaking and moaned loudly again when Euronymous massaged his cock in a slow and firm grip. The hand glided up and down his leaking erection and he sobbed and bit his lip at the incredible feeling.

''Cum for me now Dead. Show me what a fucking good boy you are'', Euronymous groaned in his ear as his whole body trembled in pleasure.

Dead breathed faster and faster and opened his mouth to let out a last broken moan as he climaxed hard. Euronymous growled and thrust harder into him a few more times before he came himself.

''Oh shit....ah fuck...'', the guitarist panted as he pounded out the last of his orgasm.

As he pulled out, the Swedish man whimpered and writhed and Euronymous saw how fucking wet his entrance was and how it was dripping with cum.

''Fuck yes'', Euronymous murmured and pushed two fingers inside the opening.

Dead sobbed and arched away, ''Please'', he begged but continued to spread his legs as the guitarist fingered him gently.

When Euronymous pulled out his fingers they were soaked in vaseline and cum.

''Wish I wasn't so tired so I could fuck you again'', the guitarist said and pushed his fingers one last time into the moist entrance and gave Dead a quick and brutal prostate massage that had the vocalist scream and arch his whole body as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

''Euronymous'', the Swedish man sobbed.

''Maybe tomorrow?'', Euronymous smirked and pulled out his fingers as he hoped he could fine some time to touch the other man even though they had a busy day in front of them.

He kissed Dead and smiled down at him, ''I'm thinking a quick shower, then bed?'', he said and smirked at the eye roll from the vocalist.

''So tired already...'', the frontman mumbled and couldn't believe he actually longed for sleep. He felt so relaxed after his orgasm and whined as Euronymous pulled him up.

''Come one now. If we do it today then we don't have to tomorrow, okay?'', the guitarist said convincingly and Dead sighed.

''Fine fine'', the Swede mumbled and let himself get dragged into the bathroom as the guitarist laughed and gave him a warm kiss before slamming the bathroom door shut.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Euronymous woke up to the sound of whimpering. Still in a somewhat dreamlike state, he tried to get away from the disturbing noise and attempted to turn around in the bed. As he moved his body he found himself being held back by desperate arms that clung to him and a small, broken voice that said, ''Don't''.

''What?'', the guitarist mumbled and opened his eyes to see the Swedish man cling desperately to him as he trembled in what look like fear.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes as it actually looked like the frontman was having a nightmare. For a second he just stared in awe at the blonde man. He didn't even know the Swede could have dreams like that.

_Like, what the fuck scares a man who lives and breathes death?_

He didn't have time to think more as Dead writhed against him and buried his face in the crook of his neck. The Norwegian man could feel warm, fresh tears fall down on his skin and the only thing he could think of to do was to hold the vocalist close and give him the comfort he needed.

''It's okay...shh...shh... it's okay'', Euronymous murmured softly against the other man as he held him in his arms.

Dead whimpered loudly and blinked tiredly as if he suddenly woke up, before he tensed and panicked as he tried to get away from the embrace.

''Shh...shh... come here'', Euronymous said calmly and gently pulled the shaking man down again.

He stroked the vocalist's arms and back as he kept murmuring soothing words to him. The Swedish man let a few more tears escape before swallowing the rest of them down as he began to feel safe again with the guitarist's arms around him.

Euronymous hesitated before asking, ''You want to talk about it?''.

Dead shook his head quickly, clearly embarrassed by his actions, and buried his face against Euronymous neck again.

''It's okay. We can just lie here for a bit before we get up'', the Norwegian man said and felt the vocalist relax.

As they lay in silence, Euronymous could feel Dead's heart beat fast against him. The Swede was still breathing hard and it was plain to see that he had not yet managed to really calm down.

''You sure you don't want to talk about it?'', Euronymous asked again and as expected the blonde man just shook his head and refused to look at him.

_Is it me? Have I done something?_

''Dead. Come one now...'', Euronymous tried but was met with complete silence. He sighed and tried not to get angry like he usually would if things didn't go his way.

''Fine. Just tell me if it's something I have done, okay?'', the guitarist demanded in a slightly annoyed tone.

_Stop being angry at him!_

He screamed at himself and breathed in deeply to get rid of the irritated feelings.

''No'', Dead finally whispered against his neck and Euronymous smiled in relief but felt a tug in his heart as the Swede sobbed quietly again.

He really didn't want to ask a third time but a part of him knew he should because he didn't want Dead to hide anything from him. He had after all promised he would help him find release and feel good about himself.

_I guess that also means emotional release too.._

He remembered how he had managed to make the vocalist open up about his lust the day before.

_Time to continue sorting out the emotional baggage..._

''Hey...'', the guitarist began and stroked Dead's back soothingly.

Dead just shook his head again before Euronymous even had the chance to say anything more.

''Just don't Euronymous'', the vocalist spoke in a soft voice.

''I don't want to talk about it...just leave me alone'', the Swedish man muttered against him and Euronymous raised an eyebrow.

_Leave HIM alone? He's the one clinging to me for fuck sake!_

Just as he thought it, Dead once again let out a broken sob and tried to get even closer to him, desperately seeking comfort. Euronymous sighed quietly but continued to hold the crying man.

_He's been crying so much now lately..._

The guitarist sighed quietly and wondered how much emotional damage the vocalist had actually forced upon himself by suppressing his emotions for so long.

''I know that you say you don't want to talk about it, but I need you to do it for me, okay?'', the Norwegian man said in a more firm voice.

''Why?'', Dead choked out, hiding his face completely.

''Because I say so. And I'm here to help you so I want you to be honest with me'', the guitarist said, pushing the Swedish man to talk. He didn't want to be strict with him when he was being so vulnerable, but if this was the only way to make him talk then let it be it.

''So come on now. Tell me what's wrong''.

Euronymous felt the blonde man shift a little and he was just about to give up completely as an insecure voice spoke to him.

''It's just....it's so stupid'', Dead began and Euronymous almost didn't dare move a muscle, afraid to scare the Swede away.

''I dreamed I was a kid again and...the other kids were after me'', Dead swallowed before continuing, ''And they pushed me around and stuff you know, like they used to.. and then the same shit happened where they kept beating me so hard that I almost died from it.... '', the frontman stopped to take a deep breath and Euronymous felt his heart break at the thought of what the Swedish man had to go through as a child.

Dead had told him briefly before about the day 'he died', but he had never shown any emotions towards it so the guitarist had never really cared about it either. He had actually more or less thought it was cool to have 'a dead man' in his band.

_How stupid..._

The Norwegian man cringed at himself and looked down at the other man now.

''This time though, as I dreamed it, it felt so real again... and I...I was so scared'', the vocalist whimpered and Euronymous closed his eyes and held him even tighter.

''Nobody wanted to help me and I begged them not to go, but they all did! They all just fucking left me there...to die! And I was so scared... I was so fucking scared but they still left! Everyone left... and I've...'', Dead sobbed and clutched Euronymous' hand, ''...I've never felt like this before... so afraid... and it's not because I'm scared of actually dying...I'm just...'',

''...scared of being left alone'', Euronymous finished for him as the blonde mans voice became so tearful that he couldn't speak anymore.

Dead just nodded as his sobs grew louder. Euronymous felt his inside boil in rage. Dream or not, what the fuck was wrong with the people in Dead's childhood? No kid should ever have to experience almost being beaten to death! Where the hell was the god forsaken adults?! He wished he could go back in time and make them all suffer, he was so furious at Dead's past and everything that had happened to him. Yes, it had in a way made the vocalist who he was today. But for what fucking price?! The price of death!? Euronymous raged but he also knew there was no point of getting too mad. Whether Dead had been severely bullied or not, Euronymous suspected he would still had developed a somewhat depressed personality, just perhaps not as deep and self destructive. It just seemed to be in his nature and he was afraid nothing could really change that.

_And yet here I am trying..._

''I'm sorry'', Dead said in a small voice after he became able to speak again.

''Don't you fucking apologize for anything'', Euronymous answered, knowing he sounded angry because of the thoughts in his mind.

Dead lowered his head and whimpered and the guitarist kicked himself mentally at his anger. He tilted the head of the vocalist up and looked at him with a smile before kissing him softly. Dead's tear stained face looked back a him with mixed emotions of fear, sadness and a small glimpse of hope shining in his eyes. The Swede had isolated himself for so long, thinking no one would care, and believing himself he didn't either. Euronymous stared back at him and felt his heart beat fast. He knew what he wanted to say, but did he dare? Would he even mean it? He swallowed hard and opened his mouth to speak,

''Dead, I promise I will never leave you...If you don't want me to...'', Euronymous said in almost a whisper as he looked into the other mans eyes. He knew immediately after the words had left him that he meant it with all his heart.

_What the fuck have I turned into..._

Dead's eyes grew big at what he had heard and he parted his lips, but remained speechless. Euronymous saw how the Swedish man was on the verge of tears again and just as he thought he had scared him away, the frontman took a deep shaking breath and gave a shy smile as he nodded. Two tears rolled down his cheek and Euronymous smiled back and leaned in to kiss him again.

''I'd like that'', Dead whispered, looking down, and Euronymous pulled the slightly embarrassed man into a warm hug.

As he felt the Swede tremble in his arms he couldn't help thinking that all that the vocalist ever needed was somebody who would care enough about him to not leave him alone with his dark and empty mind. He began thinking about how his life with the Swede had been and how close he really had come to him over the past year. The vocalist had become one of his greatest inspiration and had opened his horizon and showed him a world of hate, darkness and despair; the sound of fucking Mayhem. He was the strong frontman the band needed and the Norwegian man had to make sure he stayed strong...

... _and alive_....

Euronymous clutched the blonde closer to him when a cold shiver ran up his spine as he remembered the day when he had almost pulled the trigger on the Swede.

'' _One shot to the head and it's all over. No more pain.''_

The guilt grew stronger inside him when he thought of how Dead had repeated the words back to him and yelled at Euronymous to '' _Pull the fucking trigger!''._

The guitarist had never seen the other man so aggravated before and the vocalist had probably sensed his hesitation because he had angry pulled away before chuckling as if it had been just another normal fucking thing to do.

_God damn fucking madman..._

Euronymous prayed that he never would experience anything like that ever again. A part of him felt he should apologize for that day, but at the same time he didn't really want to bring it up because he hoped in a way that Dead's suicidal brain had got some peace during the last days they had spent together. He had of course seen the change in the other man and to Euronymous it had been amazing to witness Dead's soft and emotional side that yearned for comfort.

And now, even though they really should get out of bed because of their busy day, it was worth holding the Swede in his arms a few seconds longer if that's what it took to help make his day better.

_I hope you think it's worth it too and that I'm not too late to help you..._

Euronymous looked at the frontman and felt a tug in his heart again. He almost wished they didn't have to do anything that day, especially not something that could trigger the Swedish mans dark thoughts. He stroked gently over the blonde's bandaged arms and thought about the upcoming show.

''Can we take them off?'', Dead asked insecurely.

''Yeah, I suppose we can...'', Euronymous said, frowning a little.

''Good. I don't really want them on when we perform later...it's not exactly black metal'', the vocalist said sounding slightly embarrassed.

Euronymous sighed. He knew what the other man meant. They had to keep up their image and as for now, Dead was one of the most noticeable member of the band and the fans loved his brutal stage persona. He really didn't want to be the one who denied them that now that they were in such a critical point with their music. Everything that happened now could either make or break them.

''What is it?'', Dead asked in a small voice and Euronymous closed his eyes, dreading bringing the conversation up again.

''What about your cutting?'', the guitarist asked straight to the point.

As expected, the Swedish man became quiet and just shrugged.

''You know I don't want you to cut anymore. Especially not that deep...'', Euronymous said.

Dead began moving in his arms, clearly becoming uncomfortable with what they were talking about and Euronymous sighed again.

''Listen, okay? I know this is all a part of our show, and also a part of you. And like I said before, I can't force you to stop. I get it. And don't get me wrong. I fucking love what you're doing. It's true fucking black metal and I'm proud to have you in my band. But...if you ever cut so deep as you did last time... I can't promise I will be there to help you again'', Euronymous said and felt his stomach tighten at the words he had just uttered.

The guitarist swallowed hard and focused on keeping his breathing steady. He had to be strong or else Dead would not get the message. The Swedish man had stopped moving in his arms and Euronymous leaned over him and saw that the vocalist was biting his hand to keep from making any noise as he cried silently.

''Dead'', Euronymous whispered and stroked his back.

The frontman arched away from the touch and whimpered and Euronymous bit his lip, feeling tired.

''Dead. Look at me'', the guitarist demanded and he felt the blonde shift as he slowly turned around to face him.

Euronymous tried to smile at him but Dead shook his head and sobbed.

''I don't know what to do'', the blonde cried confused.

Euronymous knew he once again was pushing the vocalist into doing something that was unfamiliar to him, and the guitarist had learned that being exposed to new feelings frightened the other man more than he first had presumed it would.

''I will help you, okay. I said I would, right?'', Euronymous spoke in a gentle tone, trying not to scare away the man in his arms.

''How? You just want me to stop completely! I can't do that Euronymous! I just can't! And then first you say you won't help me and now you say you do!', Dead cried desperately and tried to wiggle free from the embrace.

Euronymous held him, stroking his back until he had calmed down.

''Shh shh now. I know this is important to you. But I need you to understand that it's not that I don't want to help you if you really hurt yourself. I just don't want to be the one standing there, watching you almost bleed to death then having to pick up the pieces afterwards. This is hard for me too!'', Euronymous said, taking a deep breath before continuing, '' Like I said, I fucking love your stage show. It's inspiring as fuck to play next to you when you go crazy like that! But... I just wish there was another way that we could do it without it being so, I don't know, so real, if that makes sense''.

''But I need it to be real... I need....'', Dead whimpered and Euronymous knew what he meant.

_He needs the release it gives him_

The Norwegian man felt a rage inside him. He refused to let Dead continue his need to self harm.

_Fuck that hard!_

''No. You don't. You've got me now. I'll give you all the fucking release you ever need!'', Euronymous said through gritted teeth.

''But I...'', Dead began

''Just fucking no! You don't need it Dead. I don't care what you say. I will not let you harm yourself like that anymore. Fuck what I said about me not being able to force you to stop. Starting after this show, I forbid you to cut yourself. And if I see you with a knife, then you're out of the band.''.

Euronymous' harsh words lingered in the air and the vocalist stared at him in disbelief and anger.

''You don't mean that'' Dead whispered frightened.

''Yes. I fucking do'', Euronymous said in a serious tone.

Dead opened his mouth as if to speak again, before closing it.

''You can't do that!'', the vocalist finally said devastated.

Euronymous sighed, ''Yes I fucking can Dead! I'm the fucking leader of this band and what I say goes!'' the guitarist shouted and grabbed the Swede's wrists hard after sensing the blonde man was about to leave.

''I need you to do what I say, okay? I need you to listen to me as I speak and stop being so fucking selfish and only think about yourself and how you feel about all this! I NEED you to think about the people who care about you!'', Euronymous said angry and stared into the other mans eyes.

Dead looked uncomfortably away, ''Nobody cares about me...'', he whispered.

''I care about you, you fucking cunt!'', Euronymous almost screamed at him and let go of his wrists.

Dead stared dumbfounded at him before a small smile tugged at his lips, ''...did you just call me a cunt?''.

Euronymous looked furiously at the Swedish man before he snorted loudly and pulled the other man into his arms again, ''Shit...That was a bit harsh wasn't it?''.

The Norwegian man laughed and felt slightly stupid for his anger. He had meant everything he had said though and he really hoped that Dead had understood it.

''I get it'', the vocalist said after a minute.

''I won't cut if you don't want me to'', the frontman mumbled in a low voice, sounding completely defeated.

''Thank you'', Euronymous smiled and kissed him. He knew this was a fucking big step for Dead to take.

''But what about tonight? You said 'starting after this show', right?'', Dead asked unsure.

''Yeah... I just figured we kinda need it for tonight... and I was hoping that you would just like, cut carefully over your old wounds or something and just open them slightly. Because it still bleeds a lot right? I mean, the cuts are still so fresh that they will bleed easier than if you had to cut new ones, right?'', Euronymous asked intensely and Dead nodded along.

''I think it'll work yeah... but what about for later shows?'', the blonde wondered.

''I was thinking something like, maybe fake blood or whatever'', Euronymous said sheepishly.

''Really?'', Dead wondered and raised an eyebrow, ''Isn't that going to look fucking stupid?''.

''I don't fucking know! We just have to figure something out. Maybe we can make it work by adjusting the lightning, make the stage darker so it's harder to see the difference... I don't know, okay? We just have to try.'', Euronymous said.

''Alright. And the others?'', Dead asked insecurely.

Euronymous rolled his eyes, ''I'm sure Hellhammer is on board with whatever as long as the show will be fucking awesome anyway, but Necro... hmm... I'm not so sure about him''.

''You've been arguing a lot...'', Dead commented quietly.

''Yeah we have and he's really starting to become a real pain...'', Euronymous mumbled irritated.

''Just leave it to me, okay?'', the guitarist said as he saw the uncomfortable look on the other mans face.

''Okay'', Dead murmured, looking hesitantly.

''But... do you think that maybe, just maybe! Sometimes, I could cut just a little? Like to mix it up a bit, use some real and some fake blood, if that's what we're going for? I mean, it's just for the show of course. And not too deep! I just...I like doing it, and not just for the pain, but I think it's somewhat pretty, you know, with the blood and all...maybe? '', the frontman asked, staring at Euronymous with a shy look.

''You are fucking unbelievable'', the guitarist said.

He really didn't want to make a promise like that. Especially not now that he had just threatened to fire the vocalist if he ever touched a knife again after tonight. The Norwegian man sighed and looked at the pleading face of his front man.

_Fucking damn it,_

He shook his head, ''Yes, maybe! But if it's more than 'just a little', I'll seriously throw you out of this band and kick your ass all the way to Transylvania!''.

Dead smirked, ''Deal!'', he giggled and laughed when Euronymous jumped on him and kissed him hard.

''My little demon'', the guitarist said in a low voice and kissed down his neck before biting the skin there.

Dead moaned and arched up.

''More'', the vocalist begged and Euronymous kept biting as he listened to the deep breaths of the other man.

Dead was clearly aroused by the action and Euronymous was about to spread the blonde mans legs just as he heard a car stop outside.

''Fuck'', the guitarist growled. He was horny and wanted to fuck the delicious body underneath him.

''Want to fuck you so badly'', he murmured into Dead's ear and licked his throat.

Dead writhed under the touch.

''Have my cock inside that warm, oh so fucking tight ass of yours'', the Norwegian man continued and kissed down the vocalist's naked body as they heard the car doors slam outside.

''Euronymous'', Dead whispered hoarsely, a slight panic in his voice.

''Pound you so hard. Over and over and over again'', Euronymous reduced his voice to a whisper as he gently bent the other mans legs all the way back, exposing him completely.

''Please no'', Dead begged embarrased and shook is head when voices started to drift up from downstairs.

''No?'', the guitarist asked in fake disappointment and slowly licked the Swede's asshole.

Dead tried to arch away, but his legs were held in a tight grip.

''Please don't...we can't!'', the blonde moaned as his entrance became moist from the other mans tongue.

''Why not?'', Euronymous asked teasingly.

Hellhammer yelled from downstairs and Dead became desperate.

''Please stop. They're going to come up'', the vocalist begged and whimpered when the guitarist's tongue penetrated him.

''Please!', Dead pleaded again and writhed in frustration.

Euronymous smiled as he ate the other mans hole. He gave one last long lick at the now glistening entrance just as the first footsteps could be heard on the staircase. The guitarist looked up at the Swedish man and saw the fear in his eyes.

''You be a good boy and get dressed now okay? And don't forget your stage clothes outside'', Euronymous winked as he got up and threw on his own shirt and pants.

Right before leaving, he leaned down and gave the vocalist a long, soft kiss.

''I'll see you downstairs. Don't be late'', the Norwegian man smiled gently and was relieved when the Swede smiled back at him. This time he knew he wasn't leaving Dead alone and forgotten.

''Dead coming?'', Hellhammer asked at the bottom of the stairs as Euronymous came running down.

''Yeah, just getting dressed'', the guitarist answered with a grin and nodded at Necro who sat slouched in a chair, looking impatient.

He got in to the kitchen to get a soda before sitting down on the couch and opening the drink.

''I need to talk to you guys quickly before we go'', Euronymous said just as Dead arrived in the living room. He saw that the vocalist had taken off his bandages and rolled his eyes when Necro snorted in awe as he saw the scars from the deep cuts.

''Jesus fucking christ!'', the bassist shouted and stared at the Swede's arms.

''How the fuck are you still breathing...'', Necro murmured and shook his head.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes in irritation at the comment. He didn't think the other members were really aware of how depressed and suicidal the blonde man was. They hadn't seen all the things he had seen as he lived with him. All they saw was a man who was willing to bleed for them to put up a good show.

_...Isn't that what you saw before too?_

Euronymous kicked his internal voice.

''This is kinda what I wanted to talk to you about'', he began as Hellhammer sat down next to him.

Dead walked out of the house and the guitarist knew it was to get the clothes he had buried, and because he didn't want to be a part of the conversation.

Now how the fuck was he suppose to tell the others about the cutting without exposing the other man too much? He didn't want it to sound like Dead was being a pussy and that it was his fault. That would be a total lie. But he certainly did not want the others to know the truth either; that it was because he had started to care too fucking much about the life and death of the man he lived with.

''What's up?'', Hellhammer asked.

''I've thinking about the cutting that Dead has been doing during the show, and as you just saw, last time it got pretty deep and honestly, I think that maybe it'll be better if we find another way to be so extreme'', Euronymous said and looked at the other members.

_Stay in control now._

''Are you serious?'', Necro asked in disbelief.

''Yes. I'm serious. As fucked up and cool as it is, I don't want to have to find another vocalist if the one we have accidentally slits his wrists during a performance. Dead is the best in business and we fucking need him as our front man.'', the guitarist said in a clear voice. 

Hellhammer nodded slowly in understanding, but Necro still didn't look too convinced.

''What?'', Euronymous sighed towards the bassist.

''What the fuck are we suppose to do today, huh? Just play normal with no entertaining?'', Necro said and crossed his arms.

Euronymous grit his teeth annoyed when he heard the other member refer to Dead's cutting as entertainment.

''Shut up will you. He's going to do it today, but next time we have to try something else. I haven't given in lots of thoughts yet, and I agree that we still need to keep the shows brutal. I was thinking maybe dim the light or use another colour, make the scene darker and have some other effects to distract from the lack of cutting. And maybe use fake blood...'', the guitarist murmured out the last part.

Necro snorted but Hellhammer actually looked interested.

''Huh. You know, I just recently saw someone use fake blood for some dress up and shit and it looked kinda fucking real'', the drummer said and grinned.

''Yeah?'', Euronymous smiled in relief.

''Totally. We just have to like you said, adjust the lightning or something. But is Dead okay with all this? I mean, he seems to be enjoying cutting himself...'', Hellhammer commented carefully.

''He's cool'', Euronymous answered quickly.

''Of course he is. The guy's probably bending over for you...'', Necro muttered and Euronymous raged inside.

''What is your fucking problem?!'', the guitarist yelled angry and slammed the soda down on the table.

''Come on now! We've all seen the way you're looking at him'', the bassist laughed.

Euronymous thought his heart would beat out of his chest. 

_This can't be true...?_

_I've been so careful!_

''Enough Necro'', Hellhammer shot in, ''Don't listen to that shit Euronymous, he's just pissed because he was turned down yesterday and now he can only think angry thoughts with his dick!''.

''Fuck you!'', Necro shouted

Hellhammer laughed and grinned at Euronymous who nervously smiled back.

''So that's not why you're in such a lovely mood today, huh?'', the drummer smirked at the bassist.

''Fuck off both of you.... let's go now!'', Necro mumbled and left the chair he sat in before marching out the front door, slamming it behind him.

Both Euronymous and Hellhammer chuckled as they stood up from their seats. Just as the guitarist was about to leave the house, the drummer put his arm around him and gave him a pat on the back before looking at him with an almost curious smile. Euronymous stared after him as the other man went out the door before him.

_What the fuck was that...?_

''You know, for our leader, I don't think your doing such a fucking good job at actually LEADING considering you're almost always the last one to get THE FUCK OUT'', Necro yelled at him and Euronymous rolled his eyes and sighed heavily as he locked the door behind him before going in to the car with the others.

_Give me strength today..._

-

The audience roared along with Dead as he screamed in to the microphone. Euronymous' heart swelled in pride as he eyed his vocalist on stage. The Swedish man looked so fucking good with his dark clothes and the corpse paint on, and Euronymous had to really focus on keeping a hard face to fit the atmosphere when all he wanted to do was smile at the other man and praise him for his performance skills. Once again, he couldn't believe he was actually having sex with Dead.

_As soon as the shows over I'll throw him against the wall..._

He bit his lip and looked longingly at the Swede's lips. He wanted to kiss them so badly.

Seeing Dead perform had now become one of his biggest turn on and he couldn't wait until he got to hear that dark voice scream in pleasure instead. Euronymous growled and played harder on his guitar. As a slower verse began, he saw that Dead walked over to the drums to get his knife. The Norwegian man pretended not to care but his heart pounded inside his chest and he bit his lip when the knife cut through the skin on the vocalist's arm. The blood came instantly and the audience yelled after more. Euronymous silently cursed them all as Dead continued to cut open both of his arms again. The guitarist tried not to get angry. He had after all said that the Swede could do it. But it truly broke his heart when Dead threw his head back and sighed in ecstasy as the blood ran down his arms.

_You don't need this Dead..._

_...Not anymore._

The Norwegian man had to look away in frustration. As he gazed out at the audience his eyes fell upon the front row where he immediately recognized the young man in the crowd. It was Varg. Euronymous had almost forgotten about the man, but seeing him now standing quietly among the other screaming fans, he felt a small shiver run up his spine. Varg was staring almost hypnotically at Dead and the guitarist wasn't sure if he liked it or not. Then again, he did also seem to be really into the music and if he truly was a fan then Euronymous was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt if he ever wanted to talk again.

One long hour later, they all walked off stage, exhausted but thrilled.

''Fuuuuck yeeees!!'', Necro shouted as they arrived backstage where they would have a small party.

Euronymous cheered along and looked at Dead who came right behind him. The now dried blood had created long lines that ran all the way down to the Swede's wrists and as he walked towards the guitarist with his long blonde hair framing his corpse painted face, Euronymous had to swallow hard at the sight.

_So. Fucking. Hot._

A group of fans came in just as Dead sat down next to him on the couch. Euronymous looked quickly at some of the girls that entered the room but didn't recognize anyone of them.

''No Ann-Marit?'', Dead asked expressionless and Euronymous cringed at the tone.

''I didn't look for her'', the guitarist muttered.

''Whatever'', Dead answered and Euronymous groaned internally.

_Haven't we been over this already?_

''Suppose it doesn't matter anyway...right?'', the vocalist mumbled in the end and gave Euronymous a small smile.

The Norwegian man wanted to pull the blonde into his arms but settled for throwing an arm over his shoulder.

''Nope. No fucks given'', Euronymous grinned back and the Swede's smile grew even bigger at that.

Euronymous removed his arm, thinking that he shouldn't let it linger for too long, and looked up and saw Varg stare at them from across the room. He hesitated for a second before gesturing for the young man to come over.

''Great show'', Varg said instantly and grinned at Euronymous.

''Thank you! And great to see you in the crowd!'', the guitarist said enthusiastically.

''You're Dead right?'', Varg asked the vocalist and stared at him with that intense look again.

''Yeah'', Dead just nodded and broke the eye contact with the other man.

Euronymous sensed the tension from the Swede and quickly took over the conversation again, ''So Varg, what are you up to?''

''I'm into music too. I have a band. Or, it's really just me. It's called Burzum'', Varg said and turned his focus on the guitarist.

''Tolkien fan, eh?'', Euronymous asked and smirked.

''Yeah!'', Varg laughed, ''Hey, is it true that you have a record company?''.

Euronymous was a little taken a back by the sudden question, '' Yeah, sort of, I got some shit going on there, it's nothing big yet. But I've got connections to help me'', he said.

''That's so cool!'', Varg smiled and leaned forward, ''Do you think maybe, you can help me out?''.

''What do you mean? Like, recording?'', Euronymous asked.

Varg nodded eagerly as he drank from his beer. ''Yes!''.

Euronymous looked at Dead and saw that the vocalist was staring uninterested out in the room with that empty look of his.

_Time to have some fun I think_

''Yeah. We can probably work something out'', the guitarist said to the younger man as he stood up and hinted at Dead to get the fuck up too.

''Alright, cool, so, I'll see you later then?'', Varg said a bit unsure as Euronymous and Dead got ready to go.

''Yeah! See you!'', Euronymous said and Varg waved and grinned back at him.

Euronymous lead the vocalist out of the room and made sure they were all alone before he slammed the Swede into the wall and kissed him hard. Dead moaned and the guitarist grabbed the bloody arms of the other man and forced them above his head. He looked at the corpse painted face in front of him and growled in lust before he kissed the blonde deeply. He couldn't get enough of those hot lips. They made out passionately and Euronymous began thrusting his hips harder against the Swede who whimpered in need.

''You have no idea how fucking hot you look right now'', Euronymous groaned against him and kissed his neck before biting it like he had done earlier.

Dead keened and arched into the other man. The vocalist felt a wave of lust wash over him after hearing the Norwegian man call him hot. It was the first time Euronymous had actually said that out loud.

''Wish we could just leave, but it's a bit too early for that. Don't want anyone to ask questions'', Euronymous murmured against the Swede's neck and bit him hard.

Dead moaned loudly and writhed against the wall.

''Don't stop'', he whimpered and panted as the guitarist bit down his neck.

Euronymous let go of the vocalist's arms so he could open up the other mans pants and pull them down to reveal Dead's already straining erection. The moment he grabbed the Swede's cock, the blonde man clung to him and moaned in his ear. The guitarist worked him fast and hard as he kept biting the frontmans neck.

''Oh god yes. More!'', Dead begged and clutched Euronymous arm for support.

''Shh...shh...don't want anyone to hear us now, do we?'', Euronymous laughed quietly and pumped the blonde's cock faster.

Dead shook his head in embarrassment and buried his face against the Norwegian mans neck so he could hide his whimpers and moans.

''Please don't stop'', the vocalist pleaded in a small voice as he started to feel the orgasm build inside him already.

His breaths grew deeper and he arched into the hand that masturbated him.

''Good boy. Let me see you cum now. I know you're so ready for it'', Euronymous whispered to him.

Dead sobbed and nodded in shame as he released against the other man. He climaxed hard and moaned brokenly in the guitarist's arms. Euronymous held him as he shivered and stroked his back until he had calmed down from his orgasmic height.

Dead panted breathlessly against the wall and Euronymous kissed him softly. They kept kissing slowly until a loud noise from inside the other room made them pull apart. They both looked at each other and smiled nervously to one another.

''Ready to head back? We need to find some bandages for your arms just for the rest of the night, okay? They actually don't look so bad now that I see them up close, so good job I guess. But no more! ...Now, I'm thinking just a few more hours here and then home to watch a movie'', Euronymous said and leaned down to give Dead a small kiss.

''And maybe fall asleep on the couch again?'', the vocalist asked sheepishly.

''If that's what you want.'', the guitarist smiled and gave the Swede one last long kiss before they both went inside to join the others and pretend that everything was as normal as fuck.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Euronymous looked at the figure next to him on the couch and smiled as the blonde sighed quietly in his sleep and snuggled closer to him on the small space. The guitarist felt his heart swell at the feeling of being needed by the other man and he closed his eyes and cherished the warmth that came from the vocalist's body. It was still so unusual for him to see Dead sleeping, and he tried as hard as he could not to wake him up, although he desperately wanted to touch him more. He just hoped the blonde mans sleep was as peacefully as it looked now because he didn't want him to be stuck in another restless nightmare from his past like the night before.

_If that does happen again though...I'll be here when he wakes up_

He smiled softly and remembered the promise he had given.

_I will never leave you._

Euronymous gently hugged the blonde closer, the words from yesterday rang in his ear and made his heart pound against his chest. A nervous, tingling feeling spread throughout his body and he swallowed hard as it threatened to take completely over. He had never felt like this before; so calm and yet so anxious at the same time. It tickled his insides an almost felt like...

_Butterflies..._

He grinned nervously to himself _._

_Shit, what are you doing to me you son of a bitch?_

A little embarrassed, Euronymous let out a quiet laugh and buried his face against Dead's blonde hair. For several minutes he just laid there, a small smile playing on his lips as he listened to the calm breathing from the person in his arms. He absentmindedly stroked the vocalist's arm as he felt his body react to being so close to the Swedish man.

He looked down at Dead's face and groaned quietly. He loved the frontmans rough and worn out look that he always got from after a concert, it turned him on so fucking badly. Unfortunately he had not been able to touch Dead anymore after that little encounter they had managed to get right after the show. There had been so many that wanted to talk and be in their company so all they could do was watch each other from across the room with hidden smiles as they both knew what the other one was thinking. Although Euronymous really wanted to have sex as soon as they were alone again, he had seen how tired the Swedish man was. So by the time they had managed to sneak away and get home they had just put on a random movie and fallen asleep in each others arms not long after.

''Shit'', Euronymous whispered and pressed closer to Dead.

He wanted to touch, taste and feel the vocalist's whole naked body against him, and if this had been just a few days ago he would have woken up Dead and talked him into having sex with him. This time though, he couldn't find it in his heart to do it and he rolled his eyes at how soft he had become.

 _If anybody ever finds out..._  

He slowly untangled himself from the sleeping man so he could get up and take a shower. He had wanted them to take one together so he could press the vocalist's soapy, naked body up against the shower wall, but he was so horny now and couldn't wait for Dead to wake up and join him.

_He'll get it later though..._

Euronymous smirked and pictured how he would fuck the Swede in agonizingly slow thrusts that would have the blonde man beg for more.

''Why are you leaving?'', a small, tired voice asked him just as he was about to go.

Euronymous looked down at the other man and saw that he was struggling to become awake so he could get up too. He crouched down and gently encouraged Dead to lie back down again. The Swedish man was so tired he could barley keep his eyes open and Euronymous smiled at the sight.

''Shh shh. I'm just going to go take a quick shower, okay?'', the guitarist said softly and stroked Dead's long blonde hair.

Dead seemed to relax at the words, but then whimpered as he shifted a little on the couch.

''What is it?'', Euronymous asked concerned and kept gently stroking over Dead's back.

''My arms hurt...and my head...'', the vocalist whined, and tried to move closer to the Norwegian man.

Euronymous smiled a little at how helpless the Swede seemed. The old Dead would never have whimpered in pain after a concert but instead just ignored everything when he cut himself. The guitarist had never seen the other man take any painkillers or anything no matter how much pain it looked like he was in. He didn't doubt that the blonde's arms hurt and that he probably had a slight hangover, but he still couldn't help suspect that the real pain Dead was feeling was more related to his emotions and the newly discovered fear of being left alone.

_I guess this is his way of telling me not to go..._

He had heard it in the Swedish man's voice just now as he asked him why he was leaving, and saw how he had tried to get up to follow even though his body was heavy with sleep. He had seemed nervous and frightened.

_Fucking nightmare has fucked him over._

Euronymous cursed Dead's past for making him such a wreck.

''I'll go get you some painkillers'', the Norwegian man said gently and hid his smile when Dead whined again, curled up is body, and buried his face against the pillows.

''Here you go. Take two.'', the guitarist said as he got back with the pills and some water.

Dead stared at him before slowly sitting up and taking the pills. Euronymous wondered if he really should stay, but he knew Dead would be fine on his own. He just felt vulnerable now that he was so tired and couldn't think straight.

''Now, you just sleep some more, okay? You need it. I'll be right upstairs.'', Euronymous said calmly and leaned in to give Dead a small kiss.

The vocalist closed his eyes as their lips met and when Euronymous saw that he didn't open them again after the kiss ended, he sighed and once again guided the Swede down on the couch so he could continue to sleep. Before leaving, he made sure the blanket was safe and secure around the blonde man and that he was lying as comfortably as he could.

_You stay here now and relax._

Euronymous barley got to move though before he heard Dead's low voice again,

''...you're coming back right?'', the vocalist asked insecurely.

Euronymous smiled and leaned down to the other man, ''As fast as I can'', he whispered and kissed the Swede's head softly before walking upstairs.

Once inside the bathroom Euronymous looked at himself in the mirror and saw that his own corpsepaint from yesterday was smeared all over. He shook his head and thought that he wanted to paint it on again for the party later and make sure Dead had it on too

... _So I can fuck him hard while he's wearing it_

He smirked and stripped off his clothes.

The guitarist gasped when the water from the shower hit his face and he closed his eyes and enjoyed the soothing feeling.

''Fuck'', he whispered and groaned.

He was so aroused he couldn't do anything before he had jerked off. As the water ran down his back he steadied one of his hands against the wall while the other grabbed his hard cock.

''Oh yes'', he moaned and threw his head back so the water could hit his face again.

Euronymous panted fast as he pumped himself. His hand moved up and down his erection in quick movements while he grasped the wall and moaned in pleasure.

''Yes...'', he gasped as he pictured having Dead here with him.

He imagined that it wasn't his hand he was thrusting into, but the warm heat of the vocalist's ass.

''Fuck!'', he groaned loudly and moved his hand faster.

He leaned his head against the wall and bit his hand as he whimpered at the pleasure that coursed through his body. He could hear Dead's voice in his head, begging him to go faster and harder as he pounded him against the wall. With a choked moan he came hard and thrust into his hand several times as he pictured it was the Swede's wet entrance he was filling up with cum.

Euronymous long hair covered his face as he kept leaning against the wall while he panted from the orgasm.

''Okay...I should get back'', he murmured to himself and felt a sudden urge to get out and downstairs to Dead again.

_Just to make sure he's fine..._

The truth was that he just wanted to be near the other man again. He hurriedly grabbed the soap and moaned quietly as he cleaned himself. He bit his lip as his hand moved over his wet chest and further down his body. It felt good and he wanted to touch himself again as he kept thinking about the blonde man on the couch. As he wrapped a soapy hand around his growing erection, he groaned loudly but then shook his head and smiled.

_Got to save some for later._

He grinned and began washing his hair instead. A few minutes later he found himself standing outside the shower, dripping wet still with a hard on. He sighed and wondered if the vocalist would be ready for sex now.

_Don't pressure him!_

The voice inside his head shouted and he rolled his eyes as he got dressed, ready to head down and find some breakfast instead.

Dead moaned quietly as he slowly woke up from his sleep. He blinked his eyes tiredly and sighed as he closed them again, turned around and expected to find a warm body he could snuggle up to. When there was no strong arms pulling him into a safe embrace, he opened his eyes and stared at the empty spot next to him. The vocalist's pulse began to raise as he sat up and looked around the room.

_Where is he?!_

The Swedish man searched around him for any clues as to where the guitarist had gone, desperately trying to listen to any sounds that could tell him where the other man was.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...._

''Fuck!'', he groaned out loud as his eyes fell on the water glass and it all came back to him.

''Oh no...'', he whined embarrassed and buried his face against the pillow so he could groan loudly again.

He remembered it all so clearly now how he had in a small, pathetic voice told Euronymous he was in pain and tried to make the other man hold him and not go.

''Oh god....!'', Dead cried quietly against the pillow and blushed when he thought of how the guitarist had given him painkillers before tucking him in and then leaving.

Why did he have to fucking say anything!? Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut and not show how powerless he was to his emotions?!

_Because you were afraid he would leave and never come back...._

Dead growled and sat up angrily. He felt so stupid and pathetic. Of course Euronymous wouldn't leave forever... why would he ever think something so dumb as that?

_Because you were scared...._

''Fuck off'', he hissed at the voice in his head and crossed his arms in irritation.

The moment he did it he could feel how the cuts hurt him and it made him even more angry because what little pain there was that came from it, was certainly not something he would ever had complained about before!

''God fucking damn it...'', Dead mumbled and put his head in his hands and sighed.

_He must think I'm so weak now...so pathetic...so worthless...._

Yesterdays nightmare and everything that had happened after came tumbling back to him and he cringed at how he had felt so afraid of being abandon all of a sudden. It was true however that he didn't really want to be alone anymore, not like that, and when the guitarist had told him how he would never leave him, his heart had skipped a beat at the words. It was still embarrassing though to think about how much vulnerability he had shown during the last days and he really didn't want Euronymous to think of him as needy and helplessly.

_I'm not!_

_I'm just...scared..._

_...scared of these new feelings._

''Well, good morning!'', the Norwegian man said as he came down the stairs.

Dead looked up from where he had been hiding his face in his hands and saw the gentle smile the guitarist gave him as he sat down next to him on the couch. Dead's heart began pounding and his skin tingled at the closeness to the other man. He almost held his breath, hoping that Euronymous would put his arm around him or maybe kiss him.

_Just fucking ask for it will you!_

Dead sighed annoyed at his internal voice and told himself that he would not do that.

_I'm NOT needy...._

''How's you're head?'', Euronymous asked and Dead just shook his head and shrugged. He suddenly felt so shy, like he was afraid of say something wrong in front of the other man.

_Get a fucking grip now!_

''It's fine'', he mumbled eventually and looked down at the floor.

''Okay. Good. You hungry?'', the Norwegian man wondered and began stroking the vocalist's back.

Dead closed his eyes and enjoyed the touch. It felt so good and he wanted more. Suddenly the hand was gone and the Swede opened his eyes in disappointment but didn't say anything about it.

''So, are you?'', Euronymous asked again

Dead shrugged and cringed when he heard the guitarist sigh as he moved to get up.

_Please don't go..._

_Say something for fuck sake!_

''Yes!'', Dead said almost too loudly and stared with a desperate look at the other man.

''Really? That's great! Any wishes?'', Euronymous grinned and sat down again. Dead smiled back at him as his heart started to beat fast once more.

_You don't have to be shy around him, you know that!_

''Uhm... maybe egg and bacon?'', the Swedish man bit his lip as he anxiously waited for the answer to his request. He usually never wanted anything, and didn't really do it now either, but as soon as the words had left his mouth, he really fucking felt like eating it.

''Alright!'', Euronymous exclaimed and Dead smiled nervously again. He was glad the other man didn't comment anymore than that. He already knew he wasn't eating enough and that this was somewhat of a breakthrough with him wanting something else than just a toast.

''I'll have to drive quickly to the store though, but I'll be fast!'', the guitarist said excited, standing up. Halfway to the door Euronymous turned around and looked at Dead, ''Or do you want to come with me? You don't have to be here.. alone.. you know..'', he said softly and walked back to the vocalist.

Dead wanted to say yes but a big part of him also didn't want the fear of being left alone to win.

_He's coming back! He promised! Remember?_

He loved being by himself and had always in a way cherished his solitary, but after his nightmare of being abandoned and left to die, he had been truly scared that the Norwegian man would leave him too.

_What if I almost die again... and he's not there...._

Dead bit his lip hard at the thought. Euronymous had given him so much comfort and pleasure and had made him feel more alive than he ever thought he could.

_I don't want him to leave... not ever!_

The vocalist swallowed hard as he felt his eyes water at the revelation.

''Hey, are you okay?'' Euronymous was suddenly next to him, stroking his hair gently. Dead smiled and leaned in to the touch.

''Yes'', he nodded quietly and breathed in deeply so he could pull himself together.

''Good'', the guitarist smiled warmly before kissing him softly. Dead sighed happily as he finally got the kiss he wanted. Euronymous lips were so good against his own and he loved how the other man carefully took control and guided his mouth open so their tongues could meet. He loved being kissed so fucking much. Loved how it felt so soft, tender and comforting, yet at the same time so erotic, lustful and hot!

Euronymous slowly pulled back and Dead whimpered lowly. He wanted the Norwegian man to kiss him more, wanted him to put his arms around him and lay him down on the couch so they could make out for hours and hours until he became so aroused that he couldn't take it anymore.

... _and then maybe he could fuck me..._

Dead blushed at his thoughts. He had never dared to even say that out loud in his head before. It felt too awkward to admit that he wanted such a thing to happen. He didn't think he ever would dare ask for it...

''So what do you say, you coming with me or staying?'', Euronymous interrupted his thoughts and Dead smiled sheepishly at how he had started fantasizing about having sex on the couch.

_I want his cock inside me..._

He bit his lip to suppress a moan as he looked into the eyes of the man in front om him.

''I think I'll stay...'', he murmured in the end and gasped when Euronymous suddenly kissed him passionately again.

''Damn those lips...can't get enough!'', the guitarist said teasingly and Dead flushed at the words.

''You be a good boy now and take a shower, okay? I want you clean'', the Norwegian man whispered seductively to him and the vocalist nodded bashfully as he felt his face redden.

When the front door closed behind the guitarist, Dead breathed in deeply and just stared for a long time out in to the air. Slowly a small smile grew in his face and he actually looked forward to going upstairs and take a shower.

 _So I can be clean for him_.

He giggled to himself at the thought and felt so naughty as his mind started to fill up with fantasies of him and Euronymous together again.

As he walked up the stairs he imagined the guitarist kissing him hard against the wall and slowly stripping him off his clothes. Inside the bathroom he thought of when Euronymous had spread his ass and licked him in the shower until he almost cried in lust, desperate to cum. He moaned at the thought and looked at himself in the mirror. When he started taking of his clothes, exposing himself to his reflection, he recalled the first time the Norwegian man had touched him and how embarrassed he had been as he came for the first time in his life in the other mans arms. It had been mortifying, humiliating, degrading but still so fucking hot because even then there was a small part of him that had naturally submitted to the guitarist and trusted him when he was promised no pain.

_That's all I ever wanted... no more pain....just some release..._

The vocalist swallowed hard as he saw his flushed body, red cheeks and growing erection in the mirror. He had never seen himself like this before. His smudged corpse paint gave him a roughed up look that made the whole appearance more dirty, filthy...

.... _Used..._

He blushed hard and it was as if he suddenly could hear Euronymous' voice whisper filthy words in his ear and he grabbed the sink and closed his eyes as he almost felt the other mans cock penetrate him slowly.

 _Use me_...

Dead moaned and opened his eyes so he could see himself again. His gaze was glazed over and he could see the arousal shining in them.

_Fuck!_

Dead panted quietly as he turned on the shower. Before getting in he carefully unwrapped the bandages from last night and looked at his arms. They really didn't look too bad although he dreaded washing them. It was so weird to him. The cutting he could handle, he was in control of that, but the minute another more uncontrolled pain came over him he could feel it in a different way and it really hurt! He wondered if he had always been like this or if this was another new feeling he had to get used to. He frowned at the thought and in a way he knew that as long as he kept thinking of cutting as a way of release, he would never feel how painful the knife really was as it tore through his skin and made the blood pour out.

_Don't think about that!_

_Not now!_

''I'm okay'', he whispered to himself and stepped into the shower and let the warm water close around him.

He breathed in deeply as it ran down his body and bit his lip hard when it hit his arms and cleaned away the dried blood.

''Fuuuck'', he hissed and threw his head back.

_I can do this... I can do this!_

He clenched his fists, closed his eyes, and kept breathing hard until all the blood had been washed away, leaving his arms numb from pain.

'' _Good boy_ ''

Euronymous voice rang in his ears again and he quickly opened his eyes and looked out at the room, almost expecting the guitarist to be standing there. When he didn't see anyone else, he sighed and closed his eyes again. For several minutes he did nothing else but enjoy the warm water that poured over him. He winced in a small discomfort as he raised his arms and eventually began cleaning the rest of his body. When he closed his eyes again however he began imagining that it was the guitarist's hands that roamed all over him and made him wet and glistening. He pictured how the Norwegian man would press him gently up against the wall and stroke his hands down his whole upper body before finally taking his cock and pump it slowly.

''Fuck...'', Dead whimpered as he grasped himself.

He was so fucking hard and ready to be touched and caressed by strong hands that would hold him down and make him moan.

Suddenly the front door slammed downstairs and Dead froze as moments after he heard footsteps coming up the staircase. His heart pounded as he expected the Norwegian man to enter the room any minute now. His eyes were locked at the door and he paled when the voice outside did not belong to Euronymous.

''Anybody home?'', Necro yelled from almost right behind the door and Dead cursed internally at the bassist.

_Why is he here now?!_

''Find anyone?'', Hellhammer's voice asked seconds later and the vocalist began panicking.

_Fuck!_

_Get out, get out, get out!!_

''Wait, I think I hear the shower'', Necro said and Dead's heart stopped beating for a moment.

_No!_

He was still covered in soap and had yet to wash his hair and rinse off his body.

''Helloooo?'', the bassist yelled through the bathroom door this time and Dead whined as he wished he didn't have to find himself in this situation.

_Say something!_

_Now!_

With a high pulse, he shouted ''I'm here!'' and hoped that the other members would go away.

''Fuck it's Dead!'', Necro said in a lower voice to the drummer and the Swedish man wanted to scream in frustration.

''Huh. That was unexpected...well, come on, let's go down.'', Hellhammer answered and Dead listened closely as he waited for them to leave.

''I bet it's Euronymous that has made him do it'', Necro snickered.

''Seriously dude, you need to stop with the comments. He's not even around to hear them...'', Hellhammer said impatiently and Dead felt for the first time that he actually became irritated over the bassist.

_Why is he always saying things like that? I don't get it._

''Whatever'', Necro snorted and put his hand on the door handle.

Inside the bathroom, Dead stared in horror as the handle was slowly pushed down.

_No, no, no, no, no!_

Despite the situation, his cock was still shamelessly erect and he burned in humiliation at the thought of anyone seeing his arousal.

''What the fuck man, what are you doing?'', Hellhammer interrupted.

Dead held his breath as the movement on the door stopped.

_Please go away._

_Please!_

His heart was beating so fast and he almost felt dizzy as the room began to feel warmer from the heat of the water.

_I can't breathe..._

''Just want to talk... Want to know where the fuck our glorious leader is'', Necro shrugged and was about to open the door.

''You do realize that by doing this, you are giving me the right to continuously throw out gay jokes at you from now on until forever?'', Hellhammer said with a sly smile.

''Fuck you man!'', Necro shouted and let go of the door.

Dead could hear the drummer laugh loudly outside and he almost fell on his knees in relief as he realized that the other band member had saved him from utter humiliation.

''Hey Dead, where's Euronymous?'', Hellhammer shouted to him through the door and grinned at the bassist who just rolled his eyes.

Dead swallowed hard, ''At the store'', he yelled back, voice breaking slightly at the end.

''Alright!'', Hellhammer answered, and then turned to Necro, ''You could have just done that you know...''.

The bassist flipped him off, ''What does it fucking matter, huh? You calling me gay?''.

Hellhammer laughed again, ''No, no, no, no I would never dare do something like that...'', the drummer said as he began walking down the stairs, ''….just bi-curious maybe''.

''FUCK.YOU!'', Necro yelled angry and Dead could hear Hellhammers hysterical laughter fading away with him on his way down while Necro came cursing right after.

The Swedish man had to take several deep breaths before he dared to move and begin washing his hair and cleaning the rest of himself. He cringed at how he had almost been caught naked with a hard on in the shower. That was NOT a situation he ever would have thought he would find himself in. As he ran his hands through his long hair to get rid of the shampoo he wondered what the fuck was up with all these gay jokes.

_Why is that so funny? ...Is there something wrong with being gay?_

Deep down he already knew the answer to that, but he didn't want to think too much about it. He was aware of that most likely Euronymous was one of those that would have a problem with talking loudly about it. He had seen how angry the guitarist had become when Necro had thrown one of his gay jokes at him. Dead would just shrug it off, but the Norwegian man seemed to take it too personal.

_Is he ashamed of me? ....Or himself?_

The vocalist had never had a problem with it, simply because he'd never had a sexuality before and couldn't care less about what other people meant. As he let the water run over his head and clean away the rest of the soap he actually grimaced at the idea of being with anyone else but Euronymous. It repulsed him and he really had no desire to have any other hands touch him and make him moan in pleasure.

_So what exactly am I?_

_What if I never can define it_ _?_

_What if I one day lose it all...and become empty again?_

The thoughts frightened him because he didn't want to think about never again being able to feel the comfort and lust the guitarist gave him.

_I don't want to be empty_

_I don't want anyone else_

_I don't care about defining sexuality_

_I only want Euronymous and..._

_...My sexuality IS Euronymous..._

_...Only him_

The warm feeling that spread throughout the vocalist's body felt almost out of this world to him. Dead smiled to himself as he washed off the rest of the soap on his body and tried not to think about how Euronymous felt about their situation.

_Does he feel the same as me? ...And what exactly am I feeling?_

The warm feeling he had felt only seconds ago was beginning to fade as the insecurity surrounding everything was starting to get the best of him once again.

_Stay in the light! Stay in the warmth!_

Dead quickly got out of the shower as the dark cloud grew in his mind.

_Not now!_

He dried himself off in frustrated movements before placing the towel around his waist so he could go in to his room and find some clothes. As he opened the door and stepped out he could hear the other band members' voices downstairs. He sighed in frustration and wished he was alone. Inside his room he sat down on his bed, feeling completely defeated. It was as if that short walk from the bathroom to his bedroom had washed away all happy thoughts and replaced them with darkness.

_Why can't I just hold on to it..._

He wished he could have just one fucking day of just pure happiness. With Euronymous he had managed to come close to it so many times, but there was always something dark lurking in the back of his mind. Always something that ticked off his ominous thoughts.

Dead absentmindedly began stroking his fingers carefully over his recent cuts and thought about the day before when he and Euronymous had been lying in bed after his nightmare.

_'I fucking care about you!'_

The guitarist's words had actually made him rethink everything he had felt about his cutting. He knew Euronymous didn't like it, he had mention it before, but to hear him say that out loud... to really hear the other man tell him that he wanted him to stop because he cared.... that had fucked with both his mind and heart. And he had liked it.

_I think I fucking care about you too...._

Dead felt dizzy again and his heart pounded as he said the words loudly in his head.

_I fucking care._

''Fuck'', the Swedish man swore out loud. He didn't know what to do with these new feelings.

_Should I tell Euronymous?_

_...no._

He didn't trust himself to be able to hold on to something so good. Something so loving.

_That's not me..._

''I just can't...'', Dead mumbled and walked over to his closet to find some clothes. He didn't want to think anymore. Didn't want to feel. It was too confusing. Too exhausting.

When he walked downstairs a few minutes later he came just in time to meet Euronymous at the door as the guitarist came back. They stopped right in front of each other and Dead's heart pounded loudly when the other man smiled at him. He was about to smile back, feeling the unfamiliar, confusing tingle in his body, when suddenly Necro came out from the kitchen and he saw how the Norwegian mans face went from happy to annoyed.

''Well look at you two...'', Necro began but was interrupted by Hellhammer's hand on his shoulder. The bassist rolled his eyes but backed off.

''What did you get?'', Hellhammer asked, gesturing at the bag in Euronymous' hand.

''Egg, bacon, tomato beans, bread and chocolate milk'', Euronymous answered and Dead immediately lit up at the last item.

''Alright! A full time meal!'', Hellhammer exclaimed with joy and grabbed the bag and headed in to the kitchen with Necro following behind

''...did you really get chocolate milk?'', Dead asked in a small hopeful voice.

''Thought of you'', the guitarist answered with a soft smile and Dead couldn't help but smile back this time.

''I almost forgot that was a thing...'', the vocalist mumbled in happy disbelief at getting the sweet, tasty drink. He hadn't had that in forever!

''You can't have egg and bacon without chocolate milk!'', Euronymous said determined.

''That's true!'', Dead nodded in agreement and felt his smile grew bigger. He couldn't wait to actually eat now!

''You happy?'', Euronymous asked suddenly and gently put an arm around him.

Dead had to swallow at the question. Just a few minutes ago he was confused and almost filled with dread at his new feelings, terrified at the thought of speaking about it out loud. But now, standing here with Euronymous' arm around him, feeling the closeness and warmth of the other man...

_...am I really happy now?_

...Will I one day dare tell him that I care too?

''Yes'', Dead said and answered both the Norwegian mans question and the question in his head.

''Good'', Euronymous smiled, looked quickly around, and leaned down to give the Swede a small kiss. Dead closed his eyes and wished it could last longer.

_More!_

''Sucked ass seeing the others here already'', the guitarist murmured against him before stepping back.

''No shit... '', Dead said annoyed.

Euronymous snickered at the irritation in the blonde mans voice.

''They'll probably stay here for the rest of the day, fuckers, but... don't think that it means that I will leave you alone...'', Euronymous leaned over the vocalist and spoke quietly in his ear, ''...I'll have you underneath me soon...''.

Dead felt shivers run up his spine and he wanted to arch back and surrender to the seductive voice of the other man.

_Take me now!_

''I see you took a shower.... cleaned up for me, huh?... Wish I could taste your ass now....Spread it open and eat you out...'', Euronymous continued murmuring in his ear and Dead started to breathe faster. He was growing so hard again.

''I think you would like that...'', the guitarist said and placed a hand over Dead's crotch, stroking over it, feeling the erection, before letting him go.

Dead gasped and whimpered.

''So hot'', Euronymous whispered and bit his neck before straightening himself up.

Dead's breath caught in his throat at the action and he sobbed quietly. He had been so on and off aroused all day that he now thought he was going to cum right here on the spot.

''You coming?'', Euronymous said teasingly to him as he began walking to the kitchen.

Dead flushed and stared at him with a mixture of lust and agony. He couldn't even move he was so hard. Euronymous wanted to rip off his clothes and fuck him roughly against the front door.

''Just go...'', the vocalist breathed and leaned against the wall.

Euronymous smirked but left to the kitchen and Dead closed his eyes and tried to empty his mind so he could join the others.

Inside the kitchen, Hellhammer was doing a full time job frying the eggs and bacon, while setting the table for them to eat.

''You know you're allowed to help?'', he said grudgingly to Necro who just shrugged and continued puffing his cigarette.

''Do you have to do that in here?'', the drummer asked annoyed.

''What is everyone's problem? I swear you're all becoming a bunch of pussies...'', the bassist said and gave Euronymous a sly smile as he came in.

Euronymous frowned but didn't say anything.

_Fucking asshole..._

''Need any help?'', he asked Hellhammer who gladly nodded at the bacon that needed to be turned.

When Dead came in a few minutes later there was still a small, red flush to his cheek that had Euronymous hiding a smile. To the others it probably just looked like he had been out in the fresh air for too long, but the guitarist knew better.

_I so want to kiss him again._

The food was about ready and Euronymous sat down and discreetly nodded at Dead to take the seat next to him. When everything was placed on the table in front of them, the guitarist actually felt grateful that the drummer had bothered to prepare it all. It was a nice thing to do and he knew he should appreciate it more that they all could hang out together like this. He looked over at Dead who beamed in joy when the chocolate milk was poured into his glass.

_How fucking adorable_

He smiled and began to eat.

For the next hour they sat talking about their music and that they had to start preparing for the party that evening. The good mood was wearing off on everyone and Dead was grinning in anticipation, ready to help make tonight one of the best parties they had ever had.

''Okay so we need alcohol. Lots of alcohol!'', Euronymous said and everyone nodded.

''And cigarettes!'', Necro exclaimed.

''Yes, what else? Snacks right? We need a big assortment, so we'll get something of everything....Maybe....I don't fucking know, what do you think? I just want everyone to have the best time of their fucking life!'', Euronymous bit his lip thoughtfully.

''I say go for it. A little of this, a little of that. Equals shiny, happy people!'', Hellhammer laughed and Euronymous grinned.

''Should we maybe give them like a show, or something?'', Dead asked, feeling confident, he was ready to go crazy tonight.

Euronymous looked surprised at the vocalist, ''Great idea! Lets do like one of those small, intimate gigs that a lot of bands put on for their biggest fans'', the guitarist said and smiled at the Swede.

''Want to do it acoustic too?'', Necro joked.

''Yeah, I don't think so!'', the Swedish man giggled and leaned back in his seat.

''What, you saying that you can't sit on a chair and sing-sing Freezing Moon?''.

Dead snorted in laughter and Euronymous grinned at the sight. It was so wonderful seeing the cheerful side of the blonde man again and he wanted it to last for as long as possible.

''Sing-sing?'', Dead chuckled and grabbed his chocolate milk.

''Yeah, you know, as in normal singing'', Necro shrugged, grinning back at the vocalist. Dead smirked and happily drank up the rest of his milk. He felt good. Really fucking good.

''Alright assholes lets go! We got plenty to do now that we have to set up for a small show too'', Euronymous commanded everyone up.

The guitarist snuck up behind the Swede as the other two members made their way out of the kitchen.

''All good?'', Euronymous asked and stopped Dead from walking any further.

''Yeah'', Dead answered and smiled carefully.

''Great'','' the Norwegian man murmured and leaned down to kiss the blonde.

Dead moaned softly in to the kiss.

''Been waiting for this...'', the guitarist whispered against his lips and deepened the kiss.

Dead felt his heart flutter at the words and he pressed his lips against the other man, hoping it would show that he had been waiting for it too.

''Alright...we got shit to do I guess'', Euronymous said quietly and smiled softly at the Swede as they parted.

''Yes'', Dead whispered back and stared in to the other mans eyes.

''Hey, I'm driving to the store to get all the stuff we need okay?'', Hellhammer suddenly popped in to the kitchen and Euronymous hurriedly took a big step away from the vocalist.

_Could he have seen anything? Heard anything? Oh god..._

''Yeah...yes...that's great. Good. Do you know what to buy?'', the guitarist asked, trying not to sound so taken a back by the drummers sudden appearance.

''You did say to buy a little of 'everything', right?'', Hellhammer smirked.

Euronymous nodded and gave a thumps up, ''Good! Don't forget cigarettes!''.

The second Hellhammer left, he breathed out a sigh of relief and looked at Dead.

''That was close'', he said and frowned when the blonde man just shrugged.

''What is it?'', Euronymous asked.

''Nothing. Forget it.'', Dead said in a flat voice and walked out of the kitchen.

_Seriously, what the hell did I do?_

The guitarist rolled his eyes but followed the other man, determined to make up for whatever the fuck he had done.

Dead slammed the front door behind him as he felt all the negative emotions grow inside him yet again.

_Why did he have to so obviously jump back?_

_Is he so ashamed of me?_

He was so angry at himself for even caring! He knew that what they were doing was not something that the guitarist would be open about, not yet at least. There was no reason to suddenly become angry and feel betrayed just because the other man wanted to be cautious.

_He's already told me he cared! ...and so do I..._

_...so stop being such a bitch about it then!_

A pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around him from behind and Dead automatically tensed but then relaxed into the embrace when he was hugged tightly. It felt safe, and warm and he didn't want to feel sad anymore.

''I'm sorry...'', he mumbled embarrassed.

''It's okay. I'm sorry too. I know that...'', Euronymous started.

''...I get it. Really. Its fine. I just...fuck... I feel stupid now...'', Dead interrupted and began rambling.

''Go on. Tell me'', Euronymous encouraged softly and stroked his arms.

''I guess I felt, like, betrayed or something...I don't know...afraid that you were ashamed of me...'', the vocalist blushed and hid his face against the guitarist neck.

''I'm not ashamed of you... I'm just...'', Euronymous mumbled.

''I know'', Dead interrupted again and turned halfway in the embrace so he could look at the Norwegian man. He smiled insecurely at first, feeling relieved at actually being able to speak about their situation like this, and let the smile grow big when Euronymous hugged him close and held him tight.

''We're good?'', Euronymous asked and Dead nodded against him.

''Aren't you afraid Necro will see us...?'', Dead mumbled.

''Nah, he's busy carrying music equipment out the back'', Euronymous answered and tilted the vocalist's head up so he could gently kiss him.

''We should help'', Dead said and winced when the wounds on his arms brushed too hard against the other mans rough shirt as they pulled apart.

''About tonight...'', Euronymous started and looked at the Swede's arms.

''I won't. Promise.'', Dead swore and really meant it.

Euronymous was about to lean down and kiss the frontman again just as he heard the bassist annoyed voice yell behind him from inside the house.

''Hey! Just a thought; how about you two fuckers give me a hand, huh?'', Necro came out with his arms crossed, looking irritated at them.

Euronymous rolled his eyes so hard that Dead had to cover his mouth with his hand so as not to laugh out loud and piss off the bassist even more.

For the rest of the day they spent their time setting up everything for the party. Euronymous wanted to cover up the music equipment in a way so that no one would suspect them of playing.

''..and then suddenly we start and everyone will go crazy!'', the guitarist said excited, picturing Dead's voice piercing the air followed by his own hard guitar riff.

The other members agreed to that so they found some black sheets to hide everything underneath.

''Alright!'', Dead yelled enthusiastically when everything was done and Euronymous laughed and put his arm casually around him. Neither Helhammer or Necro reacted to that and Euronymous felt good to be able to touch the Swede again after not having done that since they started working.

''Let's eat something. People will start arriving soon.'', Hellhammer said, taking the lead and made his way in to the house. Euronymous looked over at Dead who shrugged and smiled. The guitarist smiled back before walking inside.

-

The music was playing loudly outside and the people were drinking and cheering in joy. They had been at it for a few hours now and everyone seemed to be having the time of their life. Both Euronymous and Dead were wearing their corpse paint and Dead was eagerly running around with a beer in his hand, headbanging and stumbling into walls as he didn't see where he was going. Euronymous laughed and loved watching the other man. When Dead got some alcohol in his blood he usually went completely mental. Not in a bad way that annoyed people though, he just got his adrenaline pumping on high speed and liked to run around and do his own thing. The guitarist drank up his own beer and signalized to Hellhammer that it was time to start playing. The drummer nodded and went to find Necro.

''Hey, Dead!'', Euronymous shouted after the blonde man who was now looking at a dead bird on the ground, slowly bending down to touch it.

''No, no, no, no'', the Norwegian man quickly walked over to the vocalist and made sure he did not get in contact with the rotting animal.

''Look!'', Dead exclaimed happy and pointed at the bird when Euronymous came over.

''Yeah. Mhm. That's nice. Now, are you ready to start the show?'', the guitarist asked and gently pulled the other man with him.

As they walked, Euronymous felt Dead leaning more and more against him and the guitarist tensed a little at the close contact. He knew that the others wouldn't see it as anything else than two drunken guys finding their way back, but he still couldn't help feeling a bit awkward. When he looked around he saw that most people didn't even look at them, too busy being drunk themselves. As he gazed over the crowd he suddenly stopped when he met the eyes of the young man who sat in the middle of a drunken group, looking surprisingly sober. Varg was following them with his eyes and Euronymous swallowed and greeted him with a nod as they walked past him and over to where they were playing. The guitarist heart pounded a little faster as it felt like the other man was seeing right through them.

_Stop being so god damn paranoid!_

When the music from the stereo stopped, everyone looked around confused until suddenly Dead's deep, dark voice filled the air as he began to growl into the microphone. The effect was immediate and people shouted and cheered at the band as they began playing. The audience yelled in enthusiastically surprise at the show and they gathered closely around them. Since there was no real stage separating them they were all pushing in to get closer and Euronymous predicted that a fight was sure to come as everyone started headbanging along with Dead.

_Someone is bound to get their head knocked out..._

He hid a smirk as he played louder on his guitar. The vocalist's voice filled him with darkness and lust and he closed his eyes and devoured every sound the Swedish man made.

They played four songs and just as Euronymous had imagined, by the end of the last verse, two people crashed hard into one another and began arguing about who's fault that was. Soon a large part of the group began knocking each other around as if they had just been waiting for a chance to pick a fight. The other part of the crowd was cheering and whistling at the band and Euronymous grabbed a beer, raised his arm and cheered with them. He looked over at Dead who was panting slightly and was staring at the people in front of him, watching how they pushed and shoved each other around.

Euronymous was about to go over to him and pull him into the house so they could find somewhere to fuck. This was a perfect time to sneak away now that everyone was so busy fighting. He was getting desperate to feel the other man underneath him, and after hearing the blonde's heartwrenching screams just now, he longed to spread him open and make him cry out like that just for him.

_Scream for me Dead!_

''That was a nice surprise!'', a female voice said loudly next to him and Euronymous cringed internally as he recognized it.

''Glad you liked it'', Euronymous said and forced a smile at Ann-Marit who was moving closer to him.

When she put her hand on his arm he instantly wanted to snatch it away but knew he had to play it cool. He looked over to where the vocalist was standing and narrowed his eyes when he didn't see him there any longer. He quickly scanned the place and saw that Dead was almost on the other side of the house, drinking a beer and talking with a group of people that only included one other person he recognized.

 _Varg_...

''Where are you going?'', Ann-Marit asked as he picked up his guitar and took it with him.

''I want to play some more... just need to find a quiet place'', Euronymous said, walking away while keeping his eyes on the blonde man.

''I'll come listen then'', Ann-Marit said, trying to sound seductive.

Euronymous groaned quietly but didn't say anything when she followed him.

The guitarist walked towards Dead and the other small group and stopped just a few feet away so he could keep an eye on them as he played. He caught the eye of the vocalist and rolled his eyes dramatically as Ann-Marit came after him, hoping that Dead would see that this was not his choice of company. When the blonde man nodded and raised his beer to him, he breathed out a sigh of relief. It had been a beautiful day and the ground was dry underneath him so he sat down on the grass, crossed his legs and began strumming softly on his guitar. Ann-Marit sat down next to him and he could feel her eyes on him.

_She wants me to look at her..._

He lowered his eyes as his fingers moved carefully over the guitar strings, playing a low tune.

_I only want to look at someone else..._

Euronymous hid his smile as he watched the Swedish man talk and felt his heart skip a beat as their eyes met again.

_Only him._

Euronymous looked down on the ground and lost himself in his music. When he looked up again a few minutes later he saw that it was only Dead and Varg who was sitting and talking now and that the rest of the group had left. He frowned a little at that but when he saw the vocalist's arms, his pulse began raising and he instantly stopped playing.

_Why the FUCK is he bleeding again?_

''What are you doing?'', Ann-Marit yelled after him as he walked away from her.

''None of your business'', Euronymous answered angry and he could hear how she made a irritated noise as she stood up and walked back to the others.

_Whatever._

''What's going on?'', the Norwegian man asked the blonde as he came up to him.

''Not much. Just talking'', Dead answered with a shrug.

Euronymous felt his insides boil. The blood was running in thin streams down the Swede's arms and it was clear that the cuts had recently been opened. He had to concentrate hard on not to yell.

''Why are you bleeding?'', he asked through gritted teeth.

Dead snorted and looked up at him with glossy eyes.

_He's so fucking drunk!_

''It's my fault'', Varg suddenly said and looked at him with an apologetic smile.

Euronymous stared at him in disbelief. Not understanding one thing of what was going on.

''What the fuck is that suppose to mean?'', he said more annoyed now.

''We were talking about his stage show and how extremely cool it is. And then he told me that you wanted him to stop cutting...'', Varg shrugged with a smile and Euronymous wondered if he should punch the younger man down now or wait for him to finish talking.

He looked irritated at Dead.

_Why the fuck did he tell Varg about the cutting?_

_That was a band secret!_

He was so angry he wanted to scream.

''...and then I said that it sucked and that it was too bad that I would never get to see it again...so he, you know, pulled up a small knife so he could show me one last time'', Varg laughed and Dead giggled with him.

''Look, I'm sorry okay. Sorry. It was stupid of me'', the young man said, sounding sincere enough.

When Euronymous looked into his eyes however, there was something in them he didn't trust at all and he had a horrible feeling that the other mans apology was just empty words.

''I think we should go fix you up a bit'', Euronymous said with a strained voice to the vocalist who looked like he had been sobering up during their conversation.

''Yeah..'', Dead answered and the guitarist could hear the slight nervousness in his voice.

_He's scared of me..._

_...Good..._

_..he should be._

Euronymous was furious and had no intention of letting the Swedish man get away with this reckless behavior.

_Time to get rough_

He looked angry at the blonde who was walking next to him with his eyes kept low.

''Get in!'', Euronymous said with a firm voice and opened the kitchen door inside the house before slamming it close and locking it behind him. He quickly closed the curtains on the two small windows before turning to look at the frontman.

Dead was standing in the middle of the room looking like a dark, bleeding, hot mess ready to be devoured. His corpse paint gave him a more demon like appearance and Euronymous couldn't wait to bend this diabolic creature to his own will.

''Now, first of all, I want to know where the hell you got that knife?'', the guitarist walked threateningly towards the other man who shrunk back and looked nervously at the ground.

''Well?'', Euronymous demanded, coming all the way up to Dead and slowly pushing him back towards the kitchen table.

''I-I had it with me...'', Dead whimpered and grabbed the hard surface of the table to keep his balance.

''Why?'', Euronymous asked in a low voice, leaning over him.

''I wasn't going to use it! I swear! I just wanted it on me...just...i don't know, okay?!'', Dead cried frustrated.

''And Varg? Don't tell me that he 'made you do it'?'', Euronymous was growing angry again.

Dead swallowed hard, ''No - he just... I don't know what happened. He wanted to see''.

''And you didn't say no, huh?!'', Euronymous raised his voice and the vocalist whimpered again, looking terrified.

''No'', Dead choked out in a whisper and began to tremble. He was so scared that the guitarist was going to hit him.

''Turn around'', Euronymous commanded and Dead looked at him with tearful eyes.

''Turn the fuck around'', the Norwegian man repeated, grabbed him hard and spun him around so he was facing the table.

Dead's heart was beating loudly in his ears and he panicked when he was pushed further down so his upper body was resting on the surface.

''Euronymous...'', Dead whimpered.

''Shut up'', Euronymous growled and roughly opened up the blond's pants and pulled them down.

''No-no stop'', Dead pleaded with terror in his voice.

Euronymous spread the Swede's ass open and pressed his still fully clothed body against him. He had no intention of actually forcing himself on the other man like this, but he wanted to give him a scare and show him that this was not okay to fuck around with.

''Don't – don't!'', Dead sobbed and began to cry.

The vocalist did not want to be taken in this position, especially not with the guitarist so angry at him. It was so cold and harsh and it frightened him to be forced down like this.

''Please. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!'', Dead begged and cried hard, clawing at the table, desperate to get away.

''Please don't do this. I'm sorry!'', he sobbed loudly when Euronymous placed a hand on his back and pressed him down so he couldn't move.

''No – please! Don't!'', Dead cried brokenly when the guitarist pushed harder against him.

''Euronymous I'm so sorry. Please!'', he desperately pleaded again and gasped when he was suddenly lifted up and turned around.

''If you ever do that again...'', Euronymous said harshly to him and Dead whimpered as he was grabbed hard.

''I won't!'', the Swedish man choked out.

Euronymous looked at the broken, crying man in front of him. The blood on his arms was smeared over his skin and some of it had also gotten on to the table as he had been pressed down on it. He knew he shouldn't think it after all the anger he harbored towards the cutting, but the blood was actually making Dead look more vulnerable and fuckable than ever now.

''Fuck this'', Euronymous growled and kissed the blonde hard.

Dead moaned loudly and closed his eyes. The guitarist stripped the Swede of his shirt while they kissed and Dead sobbed quietly and let a few tears fall down his cheek.

''You know I would never hurt you. You still remember that, right?'', Euronymous said and looked into the vocalist's eyes, ''I'm sorry for being so angry...it's just because I care...''.

Dead's heart leaped at that and he gave the other man a small smile.

''You're still my good boy, right?'', Euronymous asked teasingly and the blonde man blushed and nodded.

They began kissing passionately again and Euronymous gently pushed Dead down on the table so he was lying on his back. He carefully pulled off the rest of the other mans clothes before parting his legs and leaning over him in between them. He looked down on the man underneath him and smiled. The corpse paint on the Swede's face had traces of his tears and was slightly smeared all over, giving him a shattered look. However the smile that the vocalist gave back to him made him look like the most beautiful disaster Euronymous had ever seen and it made his heart grow big.

''Fuck, you are so...'', Euronymous began but stopped mid sentence as he heard voices on the other side of the door.

''Euronymous...'', Dead whispered nervously.

''Shh...shh. They can't come in. Doors locked'', the guitarist said and kissed the Swedish mans neck.

''But still...they can hear us...'', Dead gasped as his legs were spread out more.

''We just have to be quiet then...'', Euronymous mumbled teasingly and got the vaseline out from his pocket and dipped his fingers inside the jar.

''But..'', Dead moaned when two fingers were suddenly thrust inside him and he arched his body off the table.

''Shh..shh now, what did I just say, hm?'', Euronymous whispered, leaning over him as he fingered him roughly.

Dead bit his hand and sobbed at the intense feeling.

''I really wanted to take my time with you. Open you up with first my tongue and then my fingers until you couldn't take it anymore'', the guitarist spoke quietly against the blonde mans ear.

Dead shut his eyes tight and whimpered in lust.

''But, since we don't have all the time in the world here, and not to mention that you have been somewhat naughty tonight and don't deserve all that, I figured we make it quick and rough'', the Norwegian man buried his fingers deep inside the vocalist and massaged his prostate over and over as he was speaking. With his other hand he opened up his own pants and released his hard erection.

Dead could do nothing but pant hard as his body flushed and his cock began dripping. It felt so good having the guitarist fingering him like that. He shamefully cried out against his hand as his heart was beating fast at the thought of what they were doing. If anybody saw him now. The shame burned inside him and he whined when the two fingers pumped in and out of him in quick motions before pulling all the way out.

''Come here'', Euronymous pulled him roughly towards him and Dead lifted his arms so he could hold on to the table. The guitarist grabbed his legs and put them over his shoulder and he arched down when he felt the head of the other mans cock against his entrance.

_Finally!_

''You want this now, huh?'', Euronymous whispered to him and Dead nodded eagerly.

''You want my cock inside you?'', the guitarist continued, barley penetrating the wet opening.

''Euronymous! Please...'', Dead begged and arched again, submitting his body to the man above him.

''So good for me Dead...'', Euronymous murmured and thrust inside the warm heat of the vocalist's ass.

Dead wanted to moan loudly but a strong hand was placed over his mouth, muffling him as he was fucked hard. He writhed underneath it when suddenly his arms was being restricted by another strong hand, holding them down above his head. Dead looked up at the guitarist as he thrust into him and he sobbed into the hand as his prostate was brutality stimulated by the deep penetration. It was all so humiliating and he loved it.

''Extra quiet now my little demon...'', Euronymous whispered in his ear and Dead tensed when he suddenly heard banging on the door and loud shouting on the outside. He stared with wide eyes as the door handle was pulled down many times and his heart pounded against his chest as the guitarist fucked him harder and harder while the people outside tried to get in.

He breathed hard against the hand over his mouth and arched in his restrictions. His muffled moans grew wilder and he pleaded with his body after more. The whole situation was so terrifying and exciting at the same time.

''Ready to cum?'', Euronymous panted above him and Dead nodded desperately, feeling his eyes begin to water again.

Euronymous pounded faster into him and released the hand over the Swede's mouth so he could grab his cock and pump him in time with the thrusts. Dead felt so helpless just lying there, not being able to control his pleasure in any way. The thought made him sob in lust and when the guitarist stroked over the head of his cock and thrust hard against his prostate, he whimpered, arched and came all over himself.

Euronymous groaned quietly at the hot sight of the other mans climax and it made him reach his own orgasm just a few seconds later. They both panted harshly and when the Norwegian man pulled out of him, the vocalist couldn't help the loud sob that slipped out from his lips.

''I'm sorry'', he whimpered ashamed.

''Shut up'', Euronymous whispered with a smile and helped him up.

It was quiet outside and Euronymous knew they had to hurry to get out now that they had the chance. He looked at the Swede who was sitting naked and shivering on the edge of the table. He looked so tired.

''Do you want to just go to bed?'', the guitarist asked and saw the look of relief on the other mans face.

''Yes..'', Dead said and gave a shy smile.

''It's okay. You go. I'll be up as fast as I can. I think it's time to end the party anyway'', Euronymous said and leaned in to give Dead a gentle kiss.

Dead nodded hesitantly.

''My room, okay?'', the guitarist smiled and gave the vocalist's his clothes. Dead grinned at that and bit his lip.

''Okay'', the Swede replied and unlocked the door to look outside. He quickly hurried out and Euronymous could hear him walk fast upstairs.

When he was alone in the kitchen, the guitarist felt an enormous guilt wash over him from what he had done to the blonde man. He sank down in one of the kitchen chairs and put his head in his hands. He had never wanted to make Dead cry like that. Never wanted to scare him so much. But he had to learn! He had to understand that cutting himself was not okay!

_I will never do that to him again...ever!_

A loud crash pulled him out of his thoughts and he heard people swearing loudly and lots of shouting outside.

_What the fuck?_

He was just about to get up when Hellhammer came in, looking angry.

''Where the fuck have you been?!'', the drummer asked irritated.

Euronymous didn't get to answer before the other man continued.

''Necro just smashed one of the stereos!''.

''HE WHAT?'', Euronymous shouted and ran out.

Outside he saw the destroyed equipment on the ground with a drunken Necro standing over it.

Euronymous was so angry he couldn't speak. The bassist laughed loudly, totally ignorent of the expensive item he had just ruined. The guitarist didn't care if it was on purpose or not. That was it!

''Necro!'', Euronymous yelled and the bassist stopped laughing.

''Well, well, my leader!'', Necro slurred

Euronymous had to clench his fists hard together, ''Get out'', he said quietly at first.

''What?'', the bassist looked confused but then snickered.

''I said; Get.Out!'', the guitarist raised his voice.

Necro stared at him before bursting out laughing again, ''Fuck you'', he mumbled.

''Get the hell out of my house and get the fuck out of my band!''

The bassist blinked at him before turning angry, ''Screw you Euronymous! You fucking cunt!'', Necro yelled and stormed off.

''Alright, everyone, party's over. Get lost!'', Hellhammer stepped up and guided everyone away before walking over to Euronymous who was shaking in anger.

''...did you really mean that?'', the drummer asked carefully.

''Yes'', Euronymous answered shortly, too angry to talk.

Hellhammer knew well not to question him now, ''Alright, I'll be over tomorrow. We need to talk about this. Maybe you see things in a different light then''.

''I'm not going to change my mind'', Euronymous said annoyed.

''Okay, fine, but we still need to talk. So see you tomorrow'', Hellhammer said and left.

Euronymous walked angry inside, stomped up the stairs and threw his bedroom door open before stopping abruptly as he saw the sleeping figure on his bed.

''Fuck'', he whispered and immediately felt calmer by the sight of the vocalist curled up underneath the blanket, already in a deep, heavy sleep because of all the alcohol he had consumed.

With silent movements he stripped of his pants before crawling in behind the blonde man so he could wrap his arms around him. The quiet breathing of the Swede made him relax even more and although he was dreading what tomorrow would bring, he was determined to not let that ruin this peaceful moment. He sighed and snuggled up closer to the other man before closing his eyes and hoping that sleep would find him soon too.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Dead stared out the open window in the guitarist's bedroom, inhaling the cigarette he had found on the other mans night stand. He sat in the window frame, feeling his head throb from yesterdays alcohol intake, as he thought about the night before and how scared he had become of Euronymous for a moment. He had truly almost believed that the Norwegian man was going to force himself upon him as he had pushed him down on the table and pulled down his pants. He could still feel the fear linger somewhat in is body, making him shudder.

He felt uncomfortable at the memory and wished he could just block it out from his head. He knew what he had done was wrong, he knew he shouldn't have listen to Varg and cut himself... but was it really necessary for Euronymous to frighten him like that? Did he really have to go so far as to make him cry in fear?

_He did it because he cares! You know that!_

Dead bit his lip and continued to stare absentmindedly out the window. It was raining today and the whole sky was filling up with heavy, gray clouds, thick with water, ready to pour down.

_Let it fall on me...._

He felt miserable, vulnerable and uncertain, and a part of him wanted to run out and drown himself in the rain. He was tired today, physically and mentally and he couldn't stop thinking about Euronymous holding him down as he begged him to stop.

_...But he did stop didn't he?_

Dead frowned.

_He didn't do anything, really? Did he?_

The vocalist threw the finished cigarette out of the window and looked over at the sleeping man on the bed.

_No he didn't_

_Not really_

_And I was being bad..._

_...I deserved it..._

_...because he cares._

The Swedish man looked thoughtfully back outside the window. He wanted to believe in Euronymous. He NEEDED to believe in him. He had to hold on to the thought that the guitarist really cared about him and that he would never hurt him.

_Like he promised..._

''Lovely weather...'', the Norwegian man suddenly mumbled from right behind him and Dead could feel a warm hand stroke his back and he closed his eyes and leaned in to the touch.

_I can't be mad at him...I need this....I need him._

''Hellhammer's coming over today...'', Euronymous sighed and Dead wondered why that sounded like a bad thing.

It wasn't that he wanted anyone over at all, but the Norwegian man usually didn't have a problem with just the drummer coming over. The vocalist didn't say anything though, just nodded. He wanted to tell the other man how he felt about last night, wanted Euronymous to know that he had really scared him and that he was not okay with that, not at all!

''How are you feeling? You hurting?'', the guitarist suddenly asked him and for a second Dead thought he was asking about his feelings, but the slight irritation in the other mans voice made him realize that he was talking about his arms.

_Not all wounds can be seen Euronymous!_

_Ask me how I feel!_

_Look me in the eyes and ask me how I feel!_

''I'm fine. I'll go clean up....'', Dead answered and moved away from the Norwegian man who was still holding one of his hands on his back.

He walked out of the bedroom and almost slammed the door behind him before entering the bathroom with a loud sigh. Inside, he fell to the ground, closed his eyes and let out a deep sob.

In the bedroom, Euronymous fired up a cigarette and looked annoyed at the rain that was now hammering against the window. He did not want this day to start and desperately wished he could just crawl in to bed and pretend that the whole fucked up night from yesterday had never happened.

''Fuuuck!'', he hissed and recalled how he had actually fired his only fucking bass player.

''Fucking idiot!'', he cursed loudly at Necro.

He was so stressed out about what the hell he was going to do now. He needed a new bass player, and he needed it fast! There was no time to lose.

''I have to talk to Hellhammer...'', he mumbled and prayed the drummer would show up soon so they could find a solution to this fucked up problem.

''Fucking piece of shit night!'', he said and angry stomped out his cigarette. It was suppose to be the greatest party ever!

In a way it had been, at least for everyone else who seemed to have been having the time of their life. And it had started out so good too, with him watching Dead as he ran around in drunken bliss before they played to a surprised and thrilled crowed who shouted in ecstasy. Euronymous smiled as he thought about the vocalist's extreme voice piercing the night, how it had turned him on so badly, and how he had fucked him on the kitchen table later. Slowly his smile faded as he recalled what really had happened after their performance. He had been so occupied with thinking about the loss of his bass player, that he had almost forgotten about how angry he had been at the Swedish man too for cutting himself.

''Fuck...'', he muttered and bit his lip. He desperately tried to think.

_How the fuck was Dead this morning...?_

_..angry? ...happy?_

_...empty?_

''Damn it!'', Euronymous jumped up and stumbled out the door. He should have known his small apologize after the incident wouldn't be enough.

The Norwegian man almost didn't see the blonde sitting on the floor as he came bursting in through the bathroom door.

''Dead?!'', Euronymous shouted and stopped in his track when he noticed the other mans tear stained face and red eyes staring up at him.

''Dead...'', the guitarist said softly this time and crouched down so he was sitting next to the frontman.

''I'm sorry...'', the vocalist choked out as his eyes began to fill with water again.

''What?...no...what the fuck stupid...stop saying that!'', Euronymous said in a warm tone and pulled the Swede into his arms.

''I'm the one who is sorry'', the guitarist said gently and stroked the Swedish mans long hair.

Dead sobbed hard at the soft touch and felt stupid for being so emotional about it.

''I know I was being too hard on you... I'm really sorry. I never wanted to scare you so much. I was just drunk, and angry...'', Euronymous admitted and hoped the other man would believe him.

The more he thought about the other night, the more guilty he felt, and he truly despised the small, nagging voice inside his head that asked him if he was feeling guilty because he had scared the vocalist ….Or because it had turned him on seeing the dark frontman full of fear in that position?

_Stop. Thinking. About. It!_

''I understand...'', Dead said in a small voice and dried his eyes, ''I just... I never should have done it...I'm really sorry!''.

Euronymous closed his eyes as the guilt monster tore him up from the inside. ''I don't want you think about it anymore, okay? What's done is done.'', he said, more to himself than the other man, as he tilted Dead's face up and kissed his lips softly.

He could taste the Swede's salty tears and it made him pull the blonde closer so he could deepen the kiss. Dead whimpered quietly as the kiss grew more passionate. He moved his lips against Euronymous' own and it felt so good. Their tongues met slowly and the guitarist sighed in growing lust.

''So good...'', Euronymous hissed and eagerly claimed the Swedish mans mouth again, moving their lips together in a slow rhythm.

He gently pulled away after hearing the vocalist moan in pleasure and the sight in front of him made him groan internally. Dead looked so fuckable with his smudged makeup from yesterday and red, swollen and ravished lips. The Swede was panting out of breath and Euronymous knew the other man was aroused.

_All he has to do is ask..._

The guitarist smirked as he teasingly stroked down the blonde's chest and over his stomach before leaning in to kiss him hard again. Dead whimpered as the hand graced over his crotch and he thrust his lower body against the guitarist.

Euronymous looked lustfully at the other man but frowned as his eyes fell upon the Swede's bloodstained arms. They were smeared in crimson red and he felt his stomach turn at the sight. Not because he thought it was disgusting, but because right now it reminded him too much of the night before. He didn't want to see it anymore.

''Lets clean you up'', Euronymous said softly, hiding his anger.

Dead blinked, not understanding for a second what the guitarist meant. He didn't think he would become so horny after feeling so emotional earlier, but his cock was growing hard now and was pressing against his pants. He wished the Norwegian man would continue to touch him so he keened lowly and pushed himself against Euronymous body.

''Look at you, so horny, huh?'', Euronymous smirked and rubbed Dead's erection through his pants.

Dead closed his eyes and nodded breathlessly as he leaned his head against the other mans neck. The question embarrassed him but he swallowed down his shame and continued to arch into the touch.

''Come on now'', Euronymous smiled and removed his hand.

The vocalist whimpered pleadingly and the Norwegian man wanted nothing more than to pull down the Swede's pants, take his cock, and masturbate him until he climaxed hard on the bathroom floor. He grit his teeth and breathed in.

''I don't know how much time we have....Hellhammer's coming over soon probably...'', Euronymous mumbled as an excuse and kicked himself when he saw the disappointment in the blonde's face.

Dead sat up straight and nodded without looking at the guitarist. Euronymous sighed and leaned over him before kissing his neck.

''I promise I'll have you cum all over yourself after he is gone'', he said in a low voice and felt the other man tremble.

He knew the Swedish man was feeling embarrassed after daring to silently ask for more touches and then be rejected. Euronymous felt horrible for having to say no but he really wanted to wash away all the dirty blood and just get the meeting with Hellhammer over with before they did anything. He just couldn't get in the right mood until he had talked with the drummer.

''You'd like that wouldn't you?'', the guitarist continued and hoped he could show the blonde man that he appreciated, and was actually proud of, how he now openly was showing how aroused he was.

The vocalist nodded carefully and Euronymous bit the skin on his neck softly. Dead whimpered at the action and the Norwegian man smiled.

''That's a good boy'', Euronymous whispered in the frontman's ear and gently pulled him up.

He tried to catch the eye of the other man but Dead was looking down on the floor and he could see that there was a hint of red in his cheeks. Euronymous pretended he didn't notice how embarrassed the vocalist was and instead gave him a small kiss and walked over to the closet where he grabbed a washcloth to use for cleaning away the blood. He turned on the water at the sink and shot a glance at the blonde who was still just standing there silently.

''Dead...it's okay...'', Euronymous said and smiled warmly at the Swede, ''I'm horny too'', he said bluntly and saw how the blonde man blushed hard, bit his lip, and then looked at him with a shy smile.

Euronymous laughed and felt his heart beat at the adorable display, ''I just have to talk with Hellhammer first... but as soon as he is gone...'', the guitarist trailed off and looked lustfully at the other man who swallowed hard.

''You can wait for me right?'', the Norwegian man asked and put his arms around the Swede.

''Yes'', Dead nodded breathlessly and leaned forward.

Euronymous smiled and took the hint as he claimed the vocalist's lips so they could make out again. The kiss grew wilder, deeper and more passionate and Dead moaned loudly before pulling away. Euronymous looked uncertain at him before he saw how flushed the other man was.

''I...I can't...I'm...'', Dead began embarrassed but Euronymous stopped him with another small, soft kiss.

''I get it'', the guitarist said and pulled him towards the sink, ''Such a good boy. Waiting for me.''.

Dead blushed and nodded as he tried to calm his body down so he could get rid of his erection. He became so aroused from the heated kissing and had desperately wanted to press his whole body against the Norwegian man and beg to be touched more.

''Come here now'', Euronymous said calmly and lead him over to the sink. He smiled at Dead as he took the washcloth, soaked it in the warm water, and gently started to clean the blonde mans arms.

Dead hissed at the first touch but Euronymous held him in a firm grip when he tried to arch away. The vocalist bit his lip hard and watched how the guitarist hands softly cleansed away the dark blood on his skin.

... _Maybe for the last time?_

His heart started to beat fast at the thought and he lifted his gaze carefully to look at Euronymous' face. The Norwegian man was looking concentrated at his task and Dead felt a small smile tug at his lip at the sight. Suddenly the guitarist looked up so their eyes met and the Swedish man swallowed hard at the warm smile the other man gave him.

''How are you feeling?'', Euronymous asked for the second time that day, staring intensely at him, and Dead knew that this time he was genuinely asking him how he felt.

''I'm fine'', Dead whispered, not being able to speak any louder.

His heart was swelling in warmth and the feeling was so fucking intense it almost brought tears to his eyes.

_Tears of happiness?_

The vocalist smiled as his body tingled in excitement all of a sudden. He had to look away from the man in front of him. It was too much holding the guitarist's gaze.

_He's staring right in to my soul..._

_I can't hide anymore..._

_...and I don't fucking mind_

''All done'', Euronymous said and carefully let go of the blonde mans arms.

''Thank you'', Dead mumbled as the guitarist dried his arms carefully with a towel.

''Is it hurting a lot? Do you want bandages?'', Euronymous asked and stroked Dead's back.

''It's okay. No bandages....it's not that bad...right?'', Dead carefully asked and leaned in to the warm hand that caressed him.

''Nah, they're okay. Just you know, don't to anything more with them...'', the guitarist trailed off and Dead felt anxious again as the Norwegian mans hands stopped touching him.

''I won't! I promise....I'll be good'', Dead said desperately and leaned submissively in to the other man, wanting the hand to continue stroking his back.

_Please don't be angry..._

''I know. I trust you.'', Euronymous smiled again and Dead sighed in relief at the words and moaned quietly when his back was gently stroked.

''Want to go downstairs and just watch some tv before Hellhammer shows up?'', the guitarist asked and Dead nodded and let himself be lead out of the bathroom.

''I need some fucking coffee...'', the vocalist murmured after coming down to the living room. He was feeling so tired all of a sudden even though he had slept throughout the whole night without waking up. He silently cursed all the alcohol from yesterday that was making his body feel heavy and exhausted now.

''No problem. I'll go make some, you just relax'', Euronymous said and guided him down on the couch. Dead smiled gratefully up at the other man before closing his eyes and leaning his head back.

_Just need to rest my eyes...._

A pair of soft lips kissing him gently woke him up for what seemed like only seconds later and he blinked and saw the guitarist lean over him with two cups of coffee standing behind him on the table.

''Tired?'', the Norwegian man asked and Dead smirked and nodded.

He had managed to fall asleep at the short time it took to get the coffee ready and his eyes were slowly closing again as Euronymous sat down next to him with his own cup.

_So fucking tired...._

The vocalist sighed and let his eyes flutter close as he sank further down on the couch.

''Come on now...drink your coffee'', Euronymous demanded and Dead whimpered displeased.

He really wanted to sleep again now and groaned quietly when the guitarist turned on the tv, revealing a news show with some political debate going on.

''Fucking cunt...'', the Norwegian man muttered at the person talking on the tv and Dead rolled his eyes and put his legs up on the couch so he could snuggle up more comfortably.

He really had no interest in watching Norwegian politicians arguing among themselves and didn't really even care much about what happened politically in his own home country.

_Who gives a fuck..._ w _e're all gonna fucking die soon anyway...._

He smirked at his morbid thoughts and opened one eye to look at Euronymous who was staring angry at the screen, before smiling and closing it again.

''Well, cry me a fucking river!'', the guitarist shouted at something the people on the tv discussed and Dead sighed annoyed.

''How am I suppose to get some fucking sleep...'', the blonde muttered to himself and yelped when he was suddenly roughly pinned down with the other man towering over him.

''Did you say something?'', Euronymous asked in a low, dark voice, leaning closer to the man underneath him.

Dead swallowed hard, fear and arousal clouding his mind. It felt so hot being held down like this and he shook his head and whimpered at the Norwegian mans question.

''I thought you were going to be a good boy for me today?'', Euronymous whispered and slowly thrust his hips against Dead's lower body, rubbing their abdomens together.

Dead breathed fast and hard as he arched up, craving more.

''Please...'', the vocalist pleaded breathlessly as he shut his eyes and threw his head back.

''Will you be a good boy and do what I say?'', Euronymous asked in a rough voice, full of arousal.

''Yes!'', Dead moaned and writhed as his legs were parted further and held in a tight grip so the other man could thrust harder against him. Euronymous panted above him and Dead arched against him, meeting his thrusts.

_I'll cum if he continues..._

The Swedish man moaned loudly, feeling so fucking horny as his climax grew closer already.

''Drink your coffee then'', Euronymous suddenly said, letting go of his legs and moving away.

Dead blinked and groaned as reality hit him and he realized he was not going to get release this time either.

''Fuck...'', he almost sobbed and whimpered.

_How long do I have to wait?_

He looked with lustful eyes at the man next to him who had gone back to drinking his coffee and watch tv again.

Dead growled frustrated as he sat up and took his own cup from the table. It was still warm thankfully and he sighed annoyed and began drinking.

''....What?'', he snapped as Euronymous chuckled next to him.

He was not in a good mood now, being first not allowed to sleep and then having his already aroused body teased so close to the edge of orgasm.

''Nothing'', the guitarist smirked and Dead rolled his eyes but couldn't help smiling when the Norwegian man leaned over and gave him a small, soft kiss, before returning to his coffee.

''...can we at least watch something else?'', the vocalist asked quietly and felt satisfied when the guitarist switched over to some old cartoon show.

''Better?'', Euronymous asked with one raised eyebrow.

''Much!'', Dead answered with a grin, hesitated for second, before moving closer to the other man so he could rest his head against him.

''Good'', the guitarist mumbled and put his arm around the Swede who sighed happily.

They sat in silence for a while, enjoying each others company and Dead was glad that his erection wasn't straining so hard that it made him feel awkward. He knew it wouldn't fade completely away, not as long as he was so near the guitarist, but at least he wasn't so uncomfortable any longer.

_I can't wait to feel his hands on me again..._

_Touching me..._

_Teasing me..._

Dead bit his lip as he imagined one firm hand grasp his cock, pumping him slowly while the other hand moved over his ass, spreading him open...

_Fingering me..._

''Shit...'', he whispered and shifted around in his seat as his cock twitch at the thought.

''Hmm?'', Euronymous absentmindedly wondered what was wrong as he drank up the last of his coffee.

''Nothing...'', Dead murmured and leaned closer to the Norwegian man again, resting his head on his chest. He could hear Euronymous' heart beating fast and it made him smile.

''...when is Hellhammer coming over?'', the vocalist asked quietly and closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth from the other mans body.

''I don't fucking know...hopefully he's on his way now...'', Euronymous answered, sounding tired.

''Why is it just him?'', the Swede frowned and opened his eyes, wondering why Necro wasn't coming too.

''You don't fucking know, do you?'', Euronymous sighed aggravated and Dead shook his head silently.

''Fucking pussy ass, son of a bitch, cunt!'', Euronymous said angry and Dead just ignored the insult the guitarist was throwing out at what he assumed was the bassist. He knew Euronymous had anger issues and that he was easily provoked by Necro and his stupid behavior.

''What is it now?'', the blonde man asked almost carelessly, not bothering to lift his head and pay more attention. It was probably just something meaningless anyway.

''Fucking asshole wrecked one of the stereos...'', Euronymous said and Dead groaned angry.

''Seriously?! That shit is so fucking expensive!'', the Swedish man sighed and sat up to look at the guitarist.

''I know! I'm so pissed!'', Euronymous shouted furiously.

''What the fuck do we do now? He'll pay for it right? Right?!'', Dead asked and panicked at the thought of finding money to buy new equipment.

''I wouldn't count on it....I kicked him out...'', the Norwegian man muttered.

Dead's heart stopped beating and his body grew cold at the words he just heard.

''W-what?'', he asked in disbelief.

''He's out of the band! Enough is enough!'', Euronymous said and stared angry at him.

Dead paled at the news as his pulse quickened and his breathing grew faster. He felt sick to his stomach, like he wanted to throw up. This couldn't be true. There was no fucking way this was really happening.

''I'm not kidding. He's not coming back'', Euronymous said determined.

The blonde man felt lightheaded and dizzy.

_This can't be happening... this can't be happening!_

''...are you okay?'', Euronymous asked gently and Dead shook his head.

''No...'', the vocalist choked out.

_This is it! It's all over!_

''I don't want to leave... I don't want to go back to Sweden...'', Dead whimpered as the thought filled him with dread.

''...what the fuck are you talking about?'', the guitarist asked softly and put his arms around him.

''It's all over now isn't it?'', Dead cried miserably and bit his lip hard to hold back the tears.

_I don't want to leave this.... I don't want to leave you!_

''No for fuck sake! I promise it's not over. Not by far! We just need to get our shit together and make a plan...we need money, and a new bassist....'', Euronymous said more calmly, gently stroking the vocalist's arms, ''... and Dead... there is no fucking way you are going back to Sweden....band or no band, you're staying here with me...I forbid you to go anywhere else...'', the guitarist said quietly in a serious tone.

Dead's heart pounded as he looked into the other mans eyes and saw only warmth and tenderness reflected back at him. He blushed and felt his body tingle in excitement.

_He forbids me to leave..._

The vocalist swallowed down his tears and smiled happily. It felt so wonderful hearing that he was wanted here not only as a strong frontman for Mayhem, but as something more too...

_This really is where I belong..._

''Feeling better?'', Euronymous asked and gave him a small kiss.

''Yes. Thank you'', Dead nodded and bit his lip, feeling shy, as he leaned closer, hoping for another kiss.

''I'm glad'', the guitarist smiled and granted his wish as their lips met again and slowly began moving together.

Dead moaned in pleasure and let out a small whimper just as they heard a knock on the door.

''Fuck'', Euronymous cursed and pulled back.

He looked at the vocalist's flushed face and quickly handed him a blanket so he could cover his very noticeable aroused body. Dead shot him a grateful look as he wrapped the blanket around himself. Euronymous smirked and felt almost sorry for the Swedish man who had to go through so much teasing without being allowed full release.

_Just a little longer now...and I'll make it worth your while._

It knocked again and Euronymous raised his eyebrows, wondering why the person on the other side didn't just come in.

''Get in or fuck off!'' he yelled loudly.

Hellhammer opened the front door and stepped inside, ''Hey'', he greeted the guitarist and nodded at Dead who nodded back as he was just emptying his cup of coffee.

''We're knocking now?'', Euronymous smirked and lit up a cigarette.

''Yeah, well, just didn't want to risk interrupting something, you know...or whatever....'', Hellhammer said and stopped talking as Euronymous blinked confused at him.

''...what?'', the guitarist asked and laughed.

''Fuck off. I just thought I should be polite and knock first! There could have been a girl here or something for all I know...'', Hellhammer said defensively and took the cigarette that Euronymous offered him.

''Or something?'', Euronymous grinned and pretended that he didn't feel nervous as he saw how the drummer's eyes quickly scanned the room before landing on the blonde man on the couch.

''Dude, you could be into fucking cows for all I know now! It's not like you're really sharing anything with the rest of us!'', Hellhammer said, looking challenging at the guitarist.

''Meaning? There's nothing to share anyway'', Euronymous said, trying to sound casual.

''Alright, if you say so....as long as everything's fine I guess'', the drummer said, holding the guitarist's gaze.

Euronymous felt his heart beat fast but he played it cool and just shrugged.

''Yeah...everything's fine'', he said and couldn't help the small look he shot at the vocalist who gave him a careful smile back.

''I'm glad to hear that'', Hellhammer said and Euronymous didn't know what to make out of the genuine nice tone the drummer had as he spoke.

_There's no way that he knows anything...no fucking way...._

_...right?_

''Kitchen?'', Euronymous gestured towards the other room and Hellhammer nodded and put out his cigarette.

''Thought we could make some scrambled eggs and shit with what I go from the store yesterday.'', the guitarist said and stopped abruptly as he saw the blood stains on the kitchen table.

_Why didn't I see this before?!_

''Fuck..'', he muttered and groaned internally as he realized it was too late for the other band member not to notice as he came right behind him.

''Oh gross!'', Hellhammer snorted and grinned as he too spotted the smeared blood on the table surface, ''Guess it got a bit wild for someone last night'', the drummer laughed and sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.

Euronymous sighed annoyed and looked for something to clean with.

_Fucking blood...can't get away from it!_

He grabbed an old rag, drenched it in water and threw it at the table.

''Dude, chill'', Hellhammer said calmly and took the rag to begin cleaning as Euronymous sank down in a chair.

''I just...fuck!'', the guitarist groaned, feeling so tired and defeated all of a sudden.

He looked up as the vocalist entered and saw how Dead frowned in concern as Hellhammer was washing away his blood. Euronymous gave him a small smile to show him that it was okay and the Swede visibly relaxed at that.

''We'll figure something out. We always do! ...Or you always do'', Hellhammer said encouraging, ''I'm guessing that you haven't changed your mind then...'', the drummer continued.

''No. Not at all. Necro is out. I can't have a member disrespect me like that. He's an embarrassment to us all and don't deserve to be in a great band like Mayhem'', Euronymous said intensely.

''Alright... I get it. I know it was a tough call to make, but I agree, Necro has been a pain in the ass for a while now, so maybe it was for the better...'', Hellhammer said and rubbed hard on one bloodstain.

''Fucking blood! ...Dude, I can't get it all away...'', the drummer sighed and leaned back in his chair

''Fuck! Great, now I have to buy a new fucking table too! Just great!'', Euronymous raged and sent Dead a frustrated look.

He didn't mean to be so angry but he saw how the Swedish man shifted uncomfortably in his seat and lowered his eyes to the floor.

''Just cover it with a tablecloth or something...whatever! Don't worry about that now'', Helllhammer said.

''...You seriously think I own a tablecloth?'', Euronymous muttered, raising an eyebrow.

''Who fucking knows! I did not come over here to discuss whether or not you have tablecloths in your house! ...Now, do you have a plan or not?'', the drummer said irritated.

Euronymous growled, ''Maybe...but I'm not sure...there is this guy though...'', he said hesitantly.

''Well? What's his name?'', Hellhammer asked impatiently.

Euronymous bit his lip hard. He had spent the whole day worrying about what he could possibly do with this fucked up situation and the only quick solution he could think of that might help them was to hire someone they already knew. That way they didn't have to spend time searching high and low for a new member. They needed a new bass player fast and it had to be someone he knew could play good enough....someone he knew were familiar with their songs... someone who seemed passionate with music....someone like...

''Varg'', the guitarist said and avoided looking at the blonde man sitting next to him, hoping that the vocalist would not object in any way.

_I'll talk to him later... he will understand._

''The loner?'', Hellhammer questioned uncertain and Euronymous nodded.

''Yeah, you know him?'', the guitarist wondered.

Hellhammer shook his head, ''Not really no. I don't think anybody really does...all I know is that he plays music.. and that he likes Mayhem''.

''In other words not the worst replacement we can get right?'', Euronymous said hopefully.

''I guess not...you sure he's good though?'', Hellhammer asked, still a bit skeptical.

''Right now, I honestly think he's our best option. We need to play more gigs so we can get more money to buy a new stereo....and maybe a knew fucking table for me...which is probably about time anyway I guess.... so yeah, I say we hire him so we can get our asses out and play some shows! '', Euronymous said determined.

''Alright! You're the boss'', Hellhammer agreed and looked at Dead, ''You okay with all this too?''.

''Of course he's cool with it, right Dead?'', Euronymous shot in before the vocalist could say anything.

''Yeah...whatever'', Dead shrugged, restlessly shifting around in his chair.

''Full of opinions as always, huh?'', Hellhammer laughed and gave the Swede a pat on the back before standing up to make the scrambled eggs they had decided to eat.

Dead smiled halfheartedly but as soon as the drummer turned his back, his smiled faltered and then faded completely. Euronymous wanted to say something, anything that could make the blonde man happy again.

''It's not like we have to keep him in the band forever, you know. So unless he turns out to be revolutionary in any way, I say we only keep him until we find someone we like better'', Euronymous said, hoping that the words would be somewhat reassuring for the Swedish man to hear.

''We're telling him that too?'', the drummer asked, cracking four eggs into a bowl and mixing them together before throwing them in to a pan.

''Fuck no'', Euronymous snorted.

''Alright, just checking. So when are we going to talk with him?'', Hellhammer wondered as he chopped up some onions, tomatoes and bell pepper he found in the fridge.

''Today. Thought you could give him a call after we've eaten.'', Euronymous said.

''What? Why do I have to call him? That sounds more like a job for you.'', the drummer commented as he finished scrambling the eggs before throwing in the chopped up vegetables so he could fry them.

''Yeah, I know. But I have to take care of something else...it won't be long'', Euronymous said and cringed at how unconvincing he sounded. He was just too tired to bother with making up a better excuse. He needed to talk to Dead as soon as possible to reassure him that everything was going to be fine.

''What the fuck is that suppose to mean?...'', Hellhammer sighed and turned around just as Euronymous tried to smile at the sad looking vocalist and put an arm over his chair.

'''...Never mind I'll do it. You just take care of whatever you need...'', the drummer mumbled quickly and turned around again when the guitarist looked up at him.

''Thanks! Just tell him to come over tomorrow or something so we can talk'', Euronymous said gratefully.

''Yeah, yeah, whatever. Eat your food now'', Hellhammer muttered and set the table for them all.

''Oh wait, I almost forgot!'', Euronymous said and ran over to the fridge and pulled out a full carton of chocolate milk.

''I hid it away so Necro wouldn't drink it all'', he said and looked at Dead who stared with big eyes at the item in his hand.

''Nice!'', Hellhammer grinned, ''Whatever happened to beer though?'', the drummer laughed but gratefully accepted the drink as Euronymous poured it into his glass.

'' Just trying out a healthier lifestyle!'', the guitarist smirked and poured a glass for Dead who pretended not to care even though Euronymous could see his eyes were clearly beaming in delight.

_Stupid Swede..._

He smile and rolled his eyes internally at how unsuccessful the blonde man was at hiding his enthusiasm.

''Yes, because we all know that chocolate milk is so much more healthier than beer!'', the drummer snickered and began to eat.

''Fuck yeah it is! Milk is full of you know, calcium and shit...'', Euronymous grinned and felt his heart flutter in relief as he saw the vocalist smile a little next to him.

''Well look at you having your nutritional facts sorted out! Good for you man!'', Hellhammer smirked sarcastically.

''Fuck off'', Euronymous laughed out loud, feeling ten times better than he had done earlier.

They continued eating and Euronymous and Hellhammer laughed and talked among themselves as Dead sat quietly, slowly eating his food and drinking his milk. The guitarist made sure that the Swede's glass always was full and the blonde man knew that it was a way of showing that he cared. Dead appreciated the gesture but he had a hard time getting rid of the sinking feeling in his stomach after the news of Varg becoming their knew bass player.

He didn't know how he really felt about that, and he wished Euronymous had said something about it earlier instead of letting him know just now. The guitarist had clearly been thinking it over and Dead couldn't help feeling slightly hurt at the fact that the Norwegian man hadn't even asked about his opinion on it. Fuck, he didn't even know any of this was happening until he actually questioned why it was only the drummer who came to visit.

Dead looked thoughtfully at the empty plate in front of him. He had finished eating without realizing it and was now just sitting there, lost in his own thoughts as the conversation from the two other band members drowned out in the background. A part of him wanted to tell Euronymous that he was not okay with having Varg in the band. After last night where the younger man had talked him into cutting he had struggled horrible with feeling guilty for caving in but also scared at how easily the other man had managed to do it.

_Am I really that weak?_

_Is it really all my fault?_

_...is that what Euronymous thinks?_

Dead swallowed hard as his stomach tightened in anxiety. He had questioned himself over and over so many times whether or not he was the only one to blame for what happened. The guitarist had been so angry with him, almost violent and it had put a genuine fear in his body.

_Was he this angry at Varg too?_

The Swedish man tried to remember but it was so fucking hard. He had been so drunk...his mind so clouded...so easy to manipulate...

_...a fucking weak prey_

He got angry at himself as he recalled how the guitarist had not yelled or seemed threatening towards the younger man at all. He had just seemed annoyed before dragging Dead with him, throwing him into the kitchen, and then pushing him down on the table, holding him there until he pleaded in mercy.

Dead felt the shame run through his body the more he thought about the night before. He felt warm and cold at the same time as his face flushed and he began feeling nauseous. If Euronymous really had been so angry with just him then it most certainly had to be only his fault, right? ....Because Varg was only asking if he could see, right? ....He wasn't forcing him to do anything, right? ....And he could have said no...right?

_Right..._

Dead felt lightheaded and his heart began pounding. He breathed hard as he tried to get up from his chair so he could get out of the house and get some air.

''Are you okay?'', Euronymous asked concerned and Dead felt the Norwegian mans arm support him.

''You should sit down...'', the guitarist began but the Swedish man stopped him by shaking his head no as he tried to get out of the other mans grip.

''Dead, sit down'', Euronymous said more firmly and the vocalist almost whimpered.

''...I'm gonna go call Varg...you have his number right?'', Hellhammer suddenly said, standing up.

''Yeah, its by the phone'', Euronymous mumbled without taking his eyes away from the Swede.

''Alright...you'll be fine, right?'', the drummer asked more carefully as he too eyed the vocalist who was now sitting slowly down again.

''Yeah, sure, probably just a late hangover, you know. They hit you hard when they first do!'', Euronymous said, smiling lightly at Hellhammer who gave him a thumbs up and headed out of the kitchen.

''What the fuck Dead?'', Euronymous sighed as he too sat down again.

He looked at the vocalist who just shrugged. The guitarist checked to see if they really where alone before moving his chair closer to the blonde man and then putting an arm around him. The second he did it he could feel the vocalist tremble and he knew Dead was trying to hold back his tears.

''Before you say anything. I know this is about Varg'', the Norwegian man said and felt the Swede tense.

''I understand if you feel apprehensive about having him in the band, but I hope you can see it from my side too and know that right now he really is our best option. You know we don't have time to look around. We have to keep playing. We can't risk being on a break if we already know a good musician like Varg. Right?'', Euronymous spoke softly to the blonde, stroking his back gently.

''Okay'', Dead whispered without looking at the guitarist.

''Good. Just, you know, try not to let him talk you into doing anything more stupid and you'll be okay!'', the guitarist said with a smirk.

Dead felt his heart drop at the words.

_....Something stupid?_

The vocalist just nodded, not bothering to say anything more.

''It's going to be just fine. Don't worry. Just stay out of his way and everything's cool'', the Norwegian man smiled and tilted the blonde mans head towards him.

Dead looked into the other mans smiling eyes and wished he could smile back. It seemed clear as day to him now that Euronymous had no idea how he really was feeling and that the more he thought about the younger man joining them the more afraid he became.

_What are you so scared of? ...him or your own lack of self control?_

_...this is only your fault, remember?_

_Be a good boy now and do what Euronymous says!_

Dead swallowed down a sob that threatened to come out when the guitarist leaned forward and gave him a warm, loving kiss that had him longing for the other mans arms to wrap themselves around him and hide him from the rest of the world.

''Are we good?'', Euronymous asked softly as they pulled apart.

''Yes...'', Dead said quietly and forced a small smile that grew real as the other man smiled back and kissed him again.

_I can be a good boy for you Euronymous!_

_I promise!_

As the guitarist kissed him deeper, Dead swore to himself that he would not let an idiot like Varg get in the way and ruin what happiness he had found here. Euronymous was right, they needed a new member as fast as possible and Varg was probably the best they could get.

''I'm sorry'', Dead mumbled in between the kissing.

''What? Stop saying that'', Euronymous said as he claimed the vocalist's lips roughly one last time before leaning back, ''It's fine. It's not like I'm Varg's biggest fan either. I get it! He's a real fucking weirdo...but I say we just give him the benefit of the doubt, okay? Think you can do that for me?'', the guitarist smiled gently.

''Yes'', the blonde man nodded, feeling better.

''Come here... one last time'', the Norwegian man mumbled softly and pulled him towards him as his lips were captured again.

Dead's stomach fluttered in anticipation and he once again felt his erection press against the fabric of his pants.

''You still horny?'', Euronymous whispered and the Swede nodded breathlessly as their lips moved slowly together.

''Fuck...that's so hot'', the guitarist muttered and Dead moaned at the words. He wished Euronymous would jerk him off right now here in the kitchen but he knew that he had to wait until after Hellhammer had gone.

Just as he thought it, the drummer yelled to them from the living room, ''He wants to come over now!''.

Euronymous groaned and moved away from the vocalist. He looked at Dead who just gave him a shrug so he sighed and yelled back, ''Fine!''.

''Not exactly what I had in mind....but he probably won't stay long. I don't have time for that today'', the guitarist smirked at the Swede and put his hand on the other mans leg before sliding it slowly up his thigh, grinning as Dead automatically parted his legs further.

''You want to be touched so badly now,huh?'', Euronymous whispered and stroked lightly over the vocalist's crotch, feeling his erection.

Dead closed his eyes for a second and panted quietly.

''He said he only would stay for a little while, he had some other shit to do'', Hellhammer said loudly before he entered the kitchen.

Dead and Euronymous had just enough time to move away from each other as the other man came in and Euronymous nodded approvingly at what he heard, ''Good! I was planning on inviting him over tomorrow anyway''.

''Yeah that's what I thought but he insisted on coming today so he could meet everyone properly or whatever...I don't know, I didn't really pay attention when he started rambling about music and what he wanted and shit...it all sounded too intense for me...figured that's your job to listen to!'', the drummer sighed and sat down in his chair again.

''Okay...that sounded demanding...he is aware of that he's actually offered to play bass in one of the best metal band there is now? He should show some more fucking respect and be grateful for the opportunity....'', Euronymous said irritated and crossed his arms.

''Relax man. Everyone knows you're the leader here and that you make all the decisions. He's probably just enthusiastic about starting and has some ideas of his own. Lets just hear him out.'', Hellhammer said calmly and smirked as the guitarist nodded slowly in agreement.

''Right. I'm the leader...'', Euronymous mumbled.

Dead tried to hide his smile as he met the drummer's eyes. They all knew that Euronymous loved being reminded of that he was the leader of Mayhem and that his visions and ideas was the best there is. The Swedish man looked at the guitarist as he sat with his arms crossed, staring hard at the table surface in front of him. He shivered in lust....

... _I'm getting fucked by the leader of Mayhem_....

....and licked his lips as he desperately wanted Euronymous to take him upstairs into his room. When the guitarist looked up and met his eyes, he felt his face flush and he had to look away before he moaned loudly at his fantasies.

Half an hour later they heard a knock on the door and Euronymous got up to go answer it. A few seconds after he came back with Varg right behind him.

''Coffee?'', Hellhammer offered after he had made some during their wait.

''Thanks'', Varg said shortly and sat down in the chair right across from Dead.

The vocalist felt his pulse rise but he breathed in deeply and tried to calm his mind.

_...Become empty..._

_....Become dead...._

He could feel the younger mans eyes linger on his arms and he wished he had put on a longer sweater so he could hide his cuts. He had a feeling Varg wanted to comment something but Hellhammer stepped in just in time with the coffee and put it on the table.

''Alright, now, you've met Dead already. You know Hellhammer too, our drummer?'', Euronymous said, arriving with two cups of coffee for himself and the vocalist.

''Yeah, we briefly met last night... shame what happened'', Varg said, looking at Dead again as he answered Euronymous question.

''About Necro, right?'', the guitarist asked, slightly cautious.

''Of course, what else?'', Varg wondered and looked at Euronymous as he drank his coffee.

The guitarist grit his teeth but decided to ignore the other mans comment.

''Okay, so Hellhammer told me you had some stuff you wanted to talk about...before accepting my offer to have you in my band?'', Euronymous said with a slight challenge in his voice.

''Yes. I do actually'', Varg said slowly and smiled.

Euronymous sighed, ''So? What is it?''.

''I want you to help me record and album for Burzum'', Varg said bluntly.

''What? Are you seriously still going to do that after joining us?'', Euronymous asked confused.

''Yes. And that is my offer. You help me with Burzum, and I help you with Mayhem.'', Varg calmly explained as he leaned back in his chair and stared Euronymous in the eyes.

The guitarist clenched his fists together under the table as he nodded thoughtfully.

''Fine'', he eventually said, not feeling entirely happy about how it all went.

''Alright! Welcome to Mayhem!'', Hellhammer grinned

''Thank you!'', Varg smiled back cheerfully.

''I'll see you guys later'', Dead suddenly mumbled and left the kitchen.

Euronymous didn't want to make a scene in front of the new band member so he just let the vocalist go.

''He does that'', Hellhammer grinned as he saw Varg's raised eyebrows at the sudden exit of the Swedish man.

Euronymous restlessly drummed his fingers on the table as the three of them kept talking for another twenty minutes. He desperately wanted to go and find Dead and hoped Varg would get the fuck out soon so he could run upstairs and look for him.

''Alright there Euronymous?'', Hellhammer asked him.

''Yeah...?'', Euronymous answered carefully, wondering why the drummer suddenly asked him about that.

''You look a little tired, maybe you should go sleep off that hangover of yours'', Hellhammer said, looking him in the eyes.

''Yeah, maybe...'', the guitarist answered a bit unsure. He wasn't tired and had surprisingly enough not a hangover from last night. But he felt restless and impatient so he wasn't going to let this opportunity to leave get away.

''Continue tomorrow?'', Hellhammer wondered, standing up.

''Yes. We need to discuss material. So...tomorrow then?'', Euronymous said, looking at Varg as he too stood up.

''Tomorrow'', Varg nodded but made no move to get up.

Hellhammer gave Euronymous a pat on the back as he left, ''Talk later'', he said and the guitarist nodded.

Euronymous turned to the younger man who was still slowly drinking his coffee. He raised an eyebrow questionably.

''You don't mind if I finish my coffee do you? You can just go. I'll find my way out'', Varg said.

Euronymous sighed, ''Whatever'', he shrugged and left.

The guitarist quickly walked upstairs before stopping outside the Swedish mans bedroom. His heart was beating faster as he slowly opened the door and walked in to see the vocalist lying on his bed with his back against him.

_Perfect_

He hesitated for a second, thinking about the younger man who was still downstairs, wondering if he would come up and bother them.

_He wouldn't dare..._

_...if I as much as hear one footstep on the staircase, I'll make sure he never gets his music published._

With new confident, Euronymous walked over to the blonde lying silently on the bed.

The Norwegian man carefully lied down and wrapped his arms around the other mans body. He smiled as the vocalist moaned quietly and he slowly let one of his hands stroke down the Swede's upper body before stopping right above his pants.

_He better still be horny_

Euronymous pulled Dead even closer so his back pressed up against his chest as he carefully pushed his abdomen against the other mans ass while opening up the blonde's pants and lowering them down to reveal his still erect cock.

_Good boy_

He tried not to grind too much against the vocalist as he didn't want the Swede to tense up and think that he was going to fuck him from behind like this. He thought shamelessly about the sex they were having last night and he groaned at the memory. It had been so good, and Dead had been so hot with a mix of fear and arousal shining in his eyes. Right now however, he wanted to make sure that the vocalist only felt good.

_Let me give you pure pleasure today_

He stared lustfully as he wrapped his hand around the other mans leaking cock and felt the precum drip down his fingers when he gave the first slow stroke.

_He's so fucking ready to release already..._

Dead gasped loudly and arched hard into Euronymous' hand, ''Yes...'', he whimpered brokenly and closed his eyes when the hand began to move agonizingly softly over his hard shaft.

''Please...'', the frontman panted and thrust his hips forward, wanting more.

''You've been so good for me haven't you'', the Norwegian man murmured in his ear as he threw his head back in pleasure.

''Yes'', he mewled weakly and moaned at the masturbation he was given.

Dead panted hard as his cock was pumped gently. The guitarist's hand moved up and down, smearing around the precum that kept leaking out, and making the head of his erection so wet and sensitive to be touched.

''Fuck'', he sobbed and arched at the intense feeling. The pleasure hit him like tiny daggers over and over again when the head was stroked and he moaned and writhed hard.

With his other arm, Euronymous locked Dead's own arms against his chest so he couldn't move them and gently placed his hand against the Swedish mans exposed throat. He didn't put any pressure, just held it there to make sure he didn't move his head, while he pumped the vocalist's erection a little faster. He could feel Dead swallow hard against his hand and he heard his breathing quicken slightly at the restriction on his body.

''So proud of you today'', Euronymous said quietly, cherishing the gasps and moans from the other man, ''So fucking proud of you my little demon...'', the guitarist whispered, masturbating the blonde faster and harder.

Dead flushed at the words and keened loudly and desperate. He had been waiting for so long to be touched and it felt so good to finally feel the guitarist's hands on his body.

''Please...Euronymous please!'', he begged, arching in his restrictions.

''Yes?'', Euronymous asked, reducing the speed of his hand again, slowly stroking the vocalist's cock.

''No...'', Dead sobbed desperately as he had been so close to orgasm. He closed his eyes as they began to water at the slow moving torment he had to endure.

''Please...please...please'', he pleaded silently, trying to thrust more into the hand that jerked him off.

''What is it?'', Euronymous asked teasingly, and Dead sobbed in frustration as he couldn't get the guitarist to move his hand faster again.

''Euronymous!'', he choked out in desperation, clenching his hands that were locked tight against his chest.

''Tell me'', the guitarist said softly, stroking his throat gently as he saw one tear slowly drip down the blonde mans face.

''I...please!'', Dead pleaded exhausted, feeling warm and flushed at the aroused state he was forced to stay in.

''Go on'', Euronymous encouraged, stroking his cock a little faster.

Dead swallowed hard again, ''Please...let me cum...'', he finally begged and sobbed as two more tears escaped his closed eyes.

''Good boy'', the Norwegian man whispered, pumping his erection fast and hard.

Dead moaned continuously and arched in pleasure. His whole body was tingling in arousal now and every touch from the other man felt so good on his skin. He loved being held like this, pressed against the guitarist's warm body, surrendering to the pleasure he was given. His mind was clouded in lust and all he could think about was to receive orgasm. He wanted to climax hard, feel the cum get milked out of him as he submitted himself to the man behind him.

''You ready?'', Euronymous asked in a low voice.

''Please'', Dead begged breathlessly and cried out as the head of his cock was stroked mercilessly and his shaft pumped hard.

The hand on his throat caressed the skin there and he gasped in pleasure and came forcefully into the guitarist's hand.

''Oh fuck... Euronymous!'', the Swedish man moaned, trembling and shaking all over as his orgasm wrecked through him.

''So good'', the guitarist whispered, holding him down as his body writhed hard.

The vocalist pressed against him and Euronymous loved every second of it.

''Thank you....thank you'', Dead whimpered submissively as he slowly calmed down from his orgasmic height.

Euronymous carefully removed both of his hands, releasing the Swede from his hold. He smiled as he saw how the vocalist blushed when he lifted up the hand that had masturbated him and it was dripping with cum.

''Fuck...'', Dead whispered embarrassed. He had climaxed so hard this time and had released so much.

''Want to clean this up for me?'', Euronymous asked with a smirk, placing his hand near Dead's lips.

''No!'', Dead cried out and blushed harder.

Euronymous laughed and leaned down to kiss him deeply, ''Maybe next time'', the guitarist winked and grinned at the Swede's look of disbelief.

''Be right back'', the Norwegian man said, gave Dead another long kiss that had them both moaning, before getting up from the bed to go in to the bathroom to wash his hand.

''Dirty little slut...'', he mumbled with a smile and looked at his sticky hand as he opened the bedroom door.

Just as he went out he clearly heard another door close downstairs. He stopped to listen but didn't hear anything else.

_Has he seriously been here all this time?_

Euronymous felt nervous, he had thought the new band member had left long ago, but now it seemed as if Varg had stayed in the house. Forcing away his insecurity, he rolled his eyes and entered the bathroom.

_Fucking weirdo..._

Outside the house, Varg smiled to himself as he breathed in the air. It had finally stopped raining and the air felt thick and moist around him. As he walked slowly towards his car, his smile grew bigger at what he had just witnessed hearing upstairs coming from the vocalist's bedroom. After finishing his coffee, he had carefully walked up the staircase, making sure he made no noise as he reached the second floor. At first he hadn't heard anything, he was just more curious as to what the rest of the house looked like so he thought he would check it out now that he was alone. But just as he was about to take the first step, he heard a low, muffled moan come from the vocalist's bedroom. He had immediately moved closer to the door and smirked in surprise as he heard another low moan followed by what could not be mistaken as anything else but the guitarist's name.

''Shit...'', Varg whispered as his heart had pounded in excitement. With quick movements he had rushed downstairs, his body full of adrenaline as he opened the front door and stepped outside to clear his mind.

''God damn...'', he laughed quietly and was just about to drive off as another car pulled in and he recognized the man who came out. It was the former bassist Necro, looking pissed as he slammed his cardoor shut.

''Fucking cunt...'', Necro mumbled angry without noticing the younger man.

''Hey'', Varg called out and the former bassist turned quickly around and looked dumbfoundedly at him.

''Who the fuck are you?'', Necro asked annoyed.

''I'm the new bassist'', Varg answered smugly, liking how irritated the other man became.

''You're fucking kidding me...they've already got a replacement?!'', Necro was so mad he looked like he wanted to punch something, hard.

''Sorry man. I feel you. They could have at least waited more than one day...but you know how Euronymous is...'', Varg said in fake sympathy.

Necro clenched his fists together in anger, ''Fuck him!'', he shouted.

''I know. And the vocalist, Dead, was encouraging him to do it. Said you made him feel sick and that he couldn't wait to replace you'', Varg said slowly, letting the words sink in.

''Dead said that?!'', Necro asked shocked and in disbelief.

''Yes'', Varg nodded convincingly, thrilled at how he so easily could make the other man believe his lies.

''Fuck...'', Necro whispered, looking defeated for a second, before growing angry again.

''You're angry... I can see that. I would be angry too...'', Varg began, stepping closer to the former bassist, ''...you want revenge...right?'', he asked darkly.

Necro looked uncertainly up at him before nodding slowly.

''Good. Give me your number and we'll stay in touch'', Varg said.

''Why are you doing this?'', Necro asked as he wrote down his phone number.

Varg shrugged, ''I like to get justice....and besides, I don't need Mayhem...not really... I have bigger plans...but I'll play along for now...until I get want I want.'', Varg said with a threatening voice, and the words made Necro feel a slight shiver run down his spine.

''Alright...'', Necro said, stepping back, not wanting to be around the other man anymore. ''I'll go get my wallet...forgot it last night...'', he mumbled and walked towards the door.

''I'll call you'', Varg promised and Necro smiled nervously to the younger man as he drove off.

''Fucking weirdo...'', Necro muttered and went inside the house to grab his wallet before leaving quickly too so nobody would see him.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Dead moaned softly when a pair of warm lips kissed down his back as he was lying on his stomach still with his eyes closed after just recently waking up from his sleep. A wet tongue licked the small of his back before slowly moving down over his crack and he gasped quietly and arched up at the touch.

''Is this okay?'', Euronymous murmured and carefully spread the vocalist's ass so he could lick the hole there.

''Yes...'', Dead whispered slightly nervous, his heart beating in anticipation as he longed to feel the tongue press against his entrance.

''You can turn around if you want to...'', the guitarist said in a low voice before licking the Swede's ass in one long stroke of his tongue.

''It's fine...'', Dead gasped louder as his asshole became wet from the other mans saliva.

''Just please don't...'', the blonde began, sounding a little embarrassed, and whimpered when he was spread further.

''I won't'', Euronymous mumbled in understanding, diving deeper into the Swedish mans ass, ''I don't need to...and I don't want to... I like having you on your back when I fuck you'', the guitarist smirked playfully and continued to lick the moist entrance as he talked, feeling how the blonde trembled at his words.

''...Thank you...'', Dead blushed and mewled in pleasure, gripping the bed sheets underneath him as the Norwegian man ate him out.

He was so grateful that he didn't have to say anything more. It was embarrassing, and he didn't want to talk about how he only wanted to be fucked on his back because he liked to see the other mans face smiling warmly down at him as he was taken. It gave him comfort to look into the guitarist gentle eyes and it made him feel like he was able to relax his body and surrender to the pleasure he was given. It felt safe.

Euronymous closed his eyes and groaned as he penetrated the vocalist with his tongue. He fucking loved this so much. It was so hot and he couldn't get enough of tasting and feeling the Swede's ass against his mouth. A part of him wanted to thrust his cock in right after, but because of Dead's reluctancy, he wasn't going to do it. He didn't know if the Swedish mans fear of the position came after he had scared him the other night at the party, or if he had never been into it. Either way, Euronymous wasn't going to question it. As long as he could be inside Dead's wet heat, it didn't matter to him.

''Fuck so hot...'', the Norwegian man groaned again as he pulled a little away so he could look at the glistening entrance. The hole quivered and clenched as it was held open and Euronymous moaned in desire at the sight.

''Fuck yes...'', he breathed out and licked up the whole crack before penetrating the ass again. His mouth was watering in lust and the saliva dripped down from his lips and down the Swedish mans ass as he greedily continued to eat out the frontman.

Dead panted hard on the bed. His erection was pressing against the mattress and he clawed at the sheets and arched his body, wanting more of everything. He bit his hand and moaned loudly when his innerwalls were licked. He could feel the tongue stroking his insides over and over again and he pushed back against it, needing to feel it deeper inside.

''Yes...'', he whimpered in pleasure and moaned in lust as his cock grind more against the mattress surface. When two fingers softly pushed against his hole alongside the tongue he swallowed nervously and writhed a little uncomfortable.

''Euronymous...'', the vocalist whispered unsure.

His asshole was wet and sensitive and he couldn't deny how good it felt having the guitarist's finger stroke his entrance so he didn't say anything more when the fingers slipped inside him and massaged him gently. The Norwegian man was still licking him and it was so hot feeling both Euronymous' tongue and fingers penetrate him at once. The blonde man closed his eyes again and tried to relax and enjoy what was happening to him. He didn't mind being fingered like this, but fingers usually lead to something more and Dead bit his lip nervously as his heart pounded faster.

''Euronymous'', the vocalist repeated a little louder and gasped as the two fingers hit his prostate hard.

''Wait...'', the guitarist panted behind him and Dead wanted to turn his head. He anxiously wondered what was happening and moaned again as the fingers thrust in and out of his hole.

''So fucking hot...'', Euronymous moaned behind him and the Swedish man flushed in arousal at the words.

''Euronymous...don't'', Dead pleaded halfheartedly, writhing in pleasure as his overstimulated asshole was continuously licked over while the Norwegian mans fingers stroked his insides.

''...I won't.... don't worry....so hot...'', Euronymous panted hard, sounding almost out of breath.

The guitarist groaned loudly and closed his eyes as he buried his face in the blonde mans ass. He was so horny he couldn't wait any longer. He moved his mouth faster over the wet hole as he grabbed his leaking erection and stroked himself. He had intended to flip the other man over on his back so he could fuck him, but having Dead's gaping, quivering hole right in front of him was so fucking hot. He pumped his cock harder, moving his hand over the wet shaft and groaned in pleasure as a warm feeling spread in his abdomen. The vocalist's body trembled underneath his touch and he pushed his two fingers in as deep as he could and moved them fast up and down inside the Swede. The reaction came instantly and Euronymous moaned in lust as the frontman arched up and screamed in pleasure for him at the stimulation.

''Fuck...Dead...I'm gonna...'', the guitarist groaned loudly as he reached climax and came hard all over the bed. He wanted to collapse at the strong orgasm, but he pulled himself together and removed his wet fingers from the blonde's ass before he gently guided the other man over on his back.

''Hey...'', Euronymous smiled breathlessly down at Dead before he leaned down to kiss him passionately.

''You were so hot...fuck...I couldn't stop...I'll fuck you later...so hard...promise.'', the guitarist moaned into the kiss and Dead felt his cock twitch at the words.

The vocalist pressed himself up against the Norwegian man, desperately kissing him back. It felt so good hearing how wanted he was.

Euronymous panted, ''Touch yourself'', he whispered and Dead swallowed nervously.

''Go on. Show me'', the guitarist encouraged, pulling back from the deep kiss and sitting up so he could watch the Swedish man underneath him. He put his hands on the vocalist's hips and stroked the skin there.

''Let me see'', Euronymous said more firmly, but still with a smile on his face.

Dead flushed at the commanding tone but closed his eyes as he hesitantly wrapped his hand around his own cock and began stroking. He gasped at the first touch and arched up into his hand.

''Look at you...'', the guitarist mumbled, stroking down the blonde mans legs and up the inside of his thighs.

Dead whimpered and lifted his other arm so he could grab the sheets above his head. He threw his head back and pumped his cock faster. He felt himself blush when the Norwegian man kept his legs parted, gently stroking over his ass and around his wet entrance.

''Is it good?'', Euronymous asked in a low voice, caressing his asshole with one finger.

Dead sobbed and pushed his lower body down, wanting the finger inside him again.

''Yes...'', the vocalist moaned, gasping lustfully as he stroked over the head of his cock, milking out his precum.

''Tell me. Do you want more?'', the guitarist questioned, pressing two fingers barley inside the Swede.

''Please!'', Dead begged, arching his back and pushing hard down on the fingers, almost forcing them inside him.

''You are so desperate now, aren't you.... Am I not giving you what you want?'', Euronymous teased and watched intensely at how the frontman tried to fuck himself on the two fingers.

''Euronymous...I need it...'', Dead pleaded and moaned gratefully as the guitarist gripped his hip and shoved his fingers deep inside him again.

''Yes – Yes!'', the Swedish man screamed as his prostate was roughly massaged and he stroked himself closer and closer to orgasm. The wet sounds of the two fingers thrusting in and out of his body had him whimpering continuously and with one last loud sob he came all over himself, panting as he felt the cum drip down his hand.

Before he got to catch his breath, his lips were captured in a heated kiss and he smiled at how the guitarist moaned against his lips. Euronymous smiled back at him, stroking his face, before kissing him again. Dead moaned quietly. It was so nice to feel the other mans warms lips against his own. It gave him shivers knowing that the Norwegian man found him so attractive that he couldn't control himself and wanted to devour him in every way.

''You are so fucking hot'', Euronymous groaned against his neck as he kissed his way down his throat.

Dead giggled, ''Thank you....'', he mumbled, feeling shy.

Euronymous grinned down at him before claiming his lips while pulling him up into a sitting position.

''I think its time to change the bed sheets now...'', Euronymous said, smirking as the vocalist grimaced at the thought.

''What? You want to sleep more in your own cum?'', the guitarist asked playfully and laughed when the Swedish man blushed furiously.

''No! ...and its not only mine...'', Dead muttered, looking down as a shy smile played on his lips.

Euronymous laughed again and leaned closer, ''You know... my cum has for the most part gathered deep inside your ass...so I'm pretty sure its like ninety percent yours'', he said and grabbed the blonde man before he could escape his embarrassment.

''Shut up...'', Dead blushed and smiled as he tried to hide his face against the Norwegian mans neck.

Euronymous hugged him tighter and kissed his head, ''How are you feeling today?'', he asked more seriously.

''I'm okay..,'', Dead said quietly.

''...but?'', the guitarist asked, knowing that the vocalist had something more to tell.

''...I kinda wanted to go out into the woods now...'', The Swedish man mumbled against him.

''So? You can go, can't you?'', Euronymous wondered, stroking the other mans back.

''….you said we had to change the bed sheets....'', Dead mumbled in almost a whisper into his neck and the guitarist had to strain his ear to hear what he said. When he caught the words he rolled his eyes at how adorably childish the other man could be sometimes.

''How about I change the beds and you can go skipping in the woods, okay?'', Euronymous sighed.

''For real?'', Dead lit up and the guitarist had to concentrate on not to roll his eyes again as the Swede clearly had not picked up on his slightly patronizing tone.

''Yes. For real'', the Norwegian man nodded deadpanned but then smiled as the frontman gave him a big grin. He looked so happy and it filled Euronymous' heart with joy.

''Go on before I change my mind'', the guitarist smirked and gave the blonde a small kiss. Dead stared at him with big eyes before jumping up from the bed, grabbing his clothes and almost stumbling out of the room. Euronymous listen to the small stepping sounds of the vocalist as he ran quickly down the stairs before he heard the front door open and close with a loud bang.

The guitarist sat in silence for a moment, a smile lingering on his lips, before he stretched his arms and dressed himself so he could go find some fresh sheets. He could not believe he had actually voluntarily agreed to do this and knew for a fact that had this been just a month ago he probably couldn't have cared less about the condition of the other mans bed. Now however he was actually looking forward to getting clean beds for them both so they could snuggle up there after a long, warm shower later. Euronymous grinned at his fluffy thoughts as he walked back to Dead's bedroom with the new sheets.

The guitarist sighed at the task in front of him. He wasn't exactly thrilled at having to do this alone, but seeing the look of pure happiness in the vocalist's face when he told him that he could go out, made it somehow all worth it.

''Alright, no time to waste...'', he muttered and tore off the dirty bed clothes.

He grimaced at all the dried cum he saw on the fabric and quickly threw it all in a heap on the floor. He shook his head in disgust and pulled out the bed a little from the wall so it would be easier to change it. He expected to see a bunch of carcasses from dead animals behind the furniture, but was surprised when he found nothing. The guitarist looked around the room and realized now, when he actually thought about it, that the frontmans' bedroom didn't longer have that lingering smell of death in the air. He frowned and wondered when this change had happened. He knew Dead would never get over his obsession for death, it would always be a part of him, but maybe he didn't longer feel like he needed to bring it in to the house anymore? Maybe the blonde man had found something else to occupy his mind with, to give him comfort during the night...?

Euronymous smiled to himself as he slowly continued his work on the bed.

_He knew I didn't like it...knew I hated that smell....so has he done this for me?_

The guitarist grinned at the thought as the butterflies in his stomach flapped their wings hard and made his heart beat fast. It gave him such a thrill knowing that the vocalist would do this for him. He didn't care that Dead hadn't told him about it because he knew that the Swede wasn't comfortable with expressing himself in words like that. This was one of his ways of telling that he cared and Euronymous really wished the blonde was here now so he could embrace him and show him how much he appreciated the act.

With a deep sigh he finished the job on the bed and pushed it back against the wall. He sat down and groaned at the thought of having to do this one more time with his own bed.

''Fuuuck...'', he breathed out and looked at the table next to the window.

The surface was almost covered with drawings and comics lying on top of each other in a mess. The guitarist got up to get a closer look and smiled at the vocalist's artwork. As he gazed over the drawings he sensed a foul smell linger next to him from somewhere and he tried to localize where it came from. He moved closer to one of the drawers and noticed a piece of brown paper sticking out from the top drawer. He hesitantly pulled it open and almost fell back at the smell of death and decay.

''Fucking shit!'', he cursed loudly and held his breath as he opened up the window as far as it would go.

After taking in as much fresh air as he could get, the guitarist slowly approached the drawer again and couldn't help smiling as he saw the brown bag with the words 'DEAD' written on it. It was the same bag the vocalist used to inhale dead birds from before a show and it was clearly not empty now. Euronymous laughed quietly at the large fist mark in the middle of the bag and imagined that the frontman had probably hastily tossed it in there, punched it down so it would fit, and then slammed the drawer shut without noticing the little piece sticking out. As irritating as it was to know that Dead had not been able to completely rid himself of all the rotting animals, Euronymous still couldn't get really angry at him after seeing the Swedish mans hopeless effort at hiding it.

''Stupid Swede...'', the guitarist mumbled and closed the drawer.

He was about to turn and leave the room to go make his own bed, when he glanced over at the drawings on the table again and saw something that caught his eye. Carefully he lifted the paper up from underneath another one that half covered it, and stared at the one word that was written on it.

_It's my name..._

The Norwegian man looked at the gothic cursive letters that bound his name together in the middle of the paper. It was done with great care and the letters were decorated with beautiful dark symbols, making his name stand out against the white background.

Euronymous couldn't stop staring at the drawing.

_He's written my name..._

His smile grew bigger at the revelation and he bit his lip at the childish excitement he felt at the discovery. The butterflies went crazy in his stomach again and he grinned at the paper in his hand. This reminded him of something kids in school did when they liked someone...how they wrote the names of the person they were attracted to...the person they wanted to spend their time with....the person they had a crush on...

''Fuck'', Euronymous cursed and sat down on the bed again.

He had known for some time now that his feelings towards the vocalist was growing deeper but he still didn't really have any idea about how the other man felt. Dead had yet to let him in on his deepest thoughts and desires, and the guitarist knew that these emotions was the one thing he could not push too hard on. He knew that this side of the frontman was his most sensitive and that he had to tread carefully if he was to ever have the blonde man open up to him and tell him how he felt. Not that Euronymous thought it was any easier putting his feelings into words. All he knew was that he had never wanted to be so close to anyone before and just thinking about the Swede's beautiful smile and soft body made him shiver in lust and passion.

The guitarist looked one last time at the drawing of his name and felt his heart skip. He wondered what Dead had been thinking about when he made it. Was he just absentmindedly drawing or did he put is heart and feelings into these neat letters on the paper?

... _Did he want me to find it?_

Euronymous thought about how it hadn't exactly been hidden away but more or less laid open for him to see if he ever took his time to look around.

_...Should I tell him that I've found it?_

He bit his lip thoughtfully and went back to the table. He looked at the spot where he had picked up the drawing, hesitated for a split second, before placing the paper in a slightly different position so that it wasn't covered by anything but instead laid on top of the other drawings.

_Now he knows I've seen it..._

Euronymous nodded approvingly to himself before closing the window and grimacing at the dead bird he knew was hidden in one of the drawers.

_Fucking disgusting..._

He sighed and left the room so he could finally go and change his own sheets.

Out in the woods, Dead was happily walking around with curious eyes looking at the nature surrounding him. Lost in thoughts he had wandered off further in to the deep forest and now found himself on unfamiliar ground. He looked up at the tall trees towering over him and wondered where he should go next. He didn't feel like going back yet, it was nice to be out here and he needed this time alone to gather his thoughts. He continued to walk through the trees and stopped abruptly when he heard the unmistakable sound of streaming water.

Dead grinned in excitement and ran towards the sound. He gasped in awe when the trees parted and revealed a beautiful river with large stones on either side of the water, perfect to sit down on and enjoy the view. The vocalist carefully lowered himself down, sitting cross legged on the stone and staring intensely at the flowing, bubbling water that passed him. The water was so clear he could see right through it and he smiled softly as he spotted tiny fishes swimming around close to the ground. He lifted his head and let the sun warm his face. Peace and quiet filled his mind and he felt so lucky for finding this gorgeous place far away from everything else.

The sound of the water calmed him down and he couldn't help thinking that what would have made this even more perfect would be to have the guitarist's arms wrapped around him now. He smiled at the warm thought and imagined leaning back towards the other mans strong body, feeling his heart beat in tact with his own. The Swedish man put a hand on his leg and let it glide up his thigh and over his crotch. He wasn't horny, just wanted to touch himself softly.

''Euronymous...'', Dead moaned breathlessly as he rubbed himself through his pants.

It had been so hot today having his ass eaten out as the guitarist climaxed behind him, before being flipped over and ordered to masturbate. It turned him on so much knowing that the other man had just reached orgasm because of him and he wanted to part his legs and give himself over to Euronymous so he could use his body for pleasure over and over again.

''I'm yours...'', the vocalist moaned and panted lightly at the thought of having to touch himself in front of the Norwegian man as he was finger fucked hard. It had been so shamefully good and his orgasm had hit him hard and fast.

Dead opened his eyes and removed his hand. He didn't want to become too aroused again, he would wait until later when the guitarist had promised to fuck him.

''Fuck..'', the vocalist hissed in lust and grabbed himself one last time, squeezing his erection, before standing up on slightly shaking legs. It was time to head home.

_I hope he will kiss me when I get back..._

The Swedish man imagined being pulled into a hug the second he entered the house and then having his lips captured in a soft, warm kiss. Dead bit his lip in excitement at the thought and walked fast back through the woods, eager to see Euronymous again.

His heart sunk however when he saw two other cars outside the house parked next to Euronymous' own. He recognized Helhammer's and knew that the other one had to be their new bass player, Varg's car.

''No...'', he sighed quietly to himself and dreaded going inside. He really did not want to see anyone else but Euronymous now, especially not Varg.

Dead paced nervously outside the front door. He tried telling himself that it was stupid feeling so anxious.

_Don't think, don't feel..._

He reached out a hesitant hand to open the door and jumped back when it suddenly opened and Euronymous stepped outside and fired up a cigarette, looking pissed off.

''Hey, fuck...there you are!'', the guitarist smiled at him and Dead gave a small smile back. He didn't want to annoy the other man if he already was in an angry mood.

''Everything okay?'', Euronymous asked and sat down on a wooden box.

''Yeah....I found a river...'', Dead said absentmindedly, watching the front door nervously, hoping that no one else would come out.

''Son of a bitch, who does he think he is....wait, you found what?'', the guitarist stopped his complaining mid sentence and looked up and the blonde man.

The vocalist tore his eyes away from the door and smiled, ''Mhm! It's so cool. I've never seen it before!'', Dead said and sat down on the box next to the other man.

''Huh...didn't know there was one near by...how far did you even go?'', Euronymous wondered.

''I'm not sure...kinda got lost in thoughts...and it was really beautiful there...'', the Swedish man said sheepishly and looked at the ground.

''Oh yeah? And what were you thinking of at this beautiful place?'', Euronymous asked teasingly, stumping his cigarette and meeting the blonde mans shy eyes.

''Nothing...'', Dead mumbled embarrassed and giggled.

''Right...totally believe you...'', the guitarist smirked, feeling so much better just sitting here in the blonde mans presence, talking and laughing with him.

He looked at the frontman's blushing face and thought it was a real turn on knowing that the Swede were out there daydreaming about them. It meant Dead had come a long way with his emotions and now dared admit to himself at least that he had lust and needs he wanted fulfilled.

_I hope he will be able to say it out loud one day..._

''How did it go with the beds?'', Dead asked, sounding more relaxed but Euronymous thought he could sense a tiny bit of nervousness in his voice. He was tempted to tell him about his discoveries but wanted the vocalist to come forward with it himself.

''All done. But I missed you at my side'', Euronymous grinned. It was said half as a joke but when the words left his mouth he realized how seriously he really meant them.

''Really?'', Dead asked, a small smile on his lips.

''What do you think?'', the guitarist shot back playfully.

Dead laughed quietly and shrugged. He looked closer at the Norwegian man and saw how tense he really seemed even though he was laughing and smiling with him. Clearly everything that was happening with the band was taking its toll on him and even though Euronymous would never admit it, Dead knew that he was more tired and frustrated than he let show. He stared with sad eyes at how the guitarist fidgeted with his hands, looking restless at the ground.

A part of him yearned to give the other man a warm hug to show him that he was here for him, but another huge part of him was terrified of being pushed aside and rejected. He was afraid that the Norwegian man wasn't interested in that kind of comfort. He knew Euronymous liked to be left alone to think and figure things out on his own when shit got frustrated for him.

... _What if he doesn't need me like I need him?_

''Let's go'', Euronymous said suddenly and gestured for them to go inside.

Dead anxiously got up and was ready to follow the other man when the guitarist stopped him right in front of the door.

''Oh, by the way... take me with you next time, you know, to the river...Will you? Sounds like a nice place to relax...'', Euronymous asked and looked at the Swedish man.

''Of course'', Dead said, feeling happy and relieved at the thought.

He had never expected Euronymous to ask him that. Not that the guitarist didn't like walking in the woods, but Dead usually went out on his own without really considering if the other man would like to join or not. He usually preferred being alone in the nature, but this time it felt so good hearing that the Norwegian man wanted to go with him and showed interest in something he found excited.

''Alright. Good.'', Euronymous smiled and kissed the frontman softly.

Dead relaxed into the kiss. It calmed him down and he didn't longer feel so nervous at the thought of entering the house and meeting the others. When Euronymous pulled back he whimpered at the loss of the other mans lips.

''One more?'', the guitarist smirked

Dead bit his lip and gave the Norwegian man a shy smile before nodding silently.

Euronymous pulled the vocalist into his arms and kissed him deeply. Dead gasped as their tongue's met and he closed his eyes in lust at the sensation. He loved feeling Euronymous tongue against his own. So soft and wet and it turned him on so much knowing how much pleasure it could give him.

''Fuck...'', he moaned and blushed as he didn't meant to say it out loud.

Euronymous smirked into the kiss and moved their mouths together slowly before releasing the Swedish mans lips again.

''Fuck indeed...'', the guitarist breathed out, shaking his head as the butterflies inside him refused to calm down.

He wished he could stay out here and make out with the blonde man instead of going inside and see the other band members. It felt so good having Dead's warm body pressed against him and his skin tingled as he heard the Swede breathe hard after the passionate kiss.

''This sucks...I want to feel you more...'', Euronymous mumbled and turned around to open the door to go inside without seeing how the vocalist blushed and grinned behind him at the words before following him in.

''Took you long enough...'', Varg commented as they entered the house, ''...and look what you found outside'', the younger man continued, nodding towards the vocalist.

Dead tensed but sat down in one of the chairs in the living room and took the beer that Euronymous offered him after getting it from the kitchen.

''So...have I missed something?'', Euronymous asked.

Varg leaned back on the couch, eyeing Dead as he spoke, ''Well. I was just telling Hellhammer about my connections in Bergen..''.

Euronymous raised his eyebrows, waiting for the other man to continue talking. When nothing happened he sighed annoyed, ''Yes?'', he asked, tired of how Varg always made him ask for further explanations.

_...He should be more desperate to tell me his ideas...not having me drag it out of him..._

_...fucking cunt._

Dead looked uncomfortable away as he met Varg's eyes. They were glimmering in something he couldn't put his finger on, but he didn't like it at all. All his anxiety and nervousness came back in full force and he wished for nothing else than to escape up to his room and stay there alone. But he knew he had to stay. He was a part of this band too and couldn't run away from it all.

''I can get us a gig'', Varg said, fixing his eyes on Euronymous.

''...In Bergen?'', the guitarist asked skeptical.

''Any problem?'', the younger man questioned, his voice hardening a little.

Euronymous frowned, ''No. Just wondering.''.

''So you want to do it?'', Varg asked, leaning forward, locking his eyes with the other man.

Euronymous automatically wanted to look away at the intense glare, but he stared back, feeling more and more pissed off at this stupid power game the bass player obviously were trying to pull off.

''Yes'', he answered shortly, narrowing his eyes at little.

''Alright! You hear that Dead, we're going to Bergen!'', Hellhammer exclaimed, breaking the tension in the air.

Dead didn't expect to hear his name so sudden and he almost blushed as he felt all the other's eyes were on him now. This was not what he wanted.

''Yeah...'', he only nodded, shifting uncomfortable in his chair.

''Wow...the enthusiasm guys...it's killing me here....'', Hellhammer said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

Euronymous smirked, ''Yeah, you're right. What the fuck...this is great Varg!'', he said, pushing away his pride and telling himself that this was a real good fucking thing for the band. They needed to get more out there.

''Good!'', Varg said, grinning.

Euronymous quickly looked at the Swedish man and saw how anxious he seemed. He had to see if he could sneak away for a second to try and calm him down so the vocalist didn't go into a bad mood. Just as he was going to make an excuse to leave and take Dead with him, Varg began talking about new material for Mayhem and his own band Burzum.

''….so we agree to start working tomorrow? Trying out new tunes?'', Varg said after they had discussed further plans for their music.

''Yes! Sounds like a plan!'', Euronymous said, standing up, ''Getting more beer...Hellhammer?''.

''Yeah I'll have one.'', the drummer nodded, finishing his bottle.

''Varg?.. anything?'', Euronymous asked, smiling. He was eager to get away now.

''No beer, but coffee?'', the younger man said.

''Alright!'', Euronymous said, hesitating, before turning to Dead, ''Want to help me in the kitchen?''.

Dead blinked and nodded slowly as he got up from his chair to follow the guitarist into the other room. He saw Euronymous quickly put the coffee on but as soon as he stepped further in, he was pushed against the wall by the Norwegian man and his mouth was captured in a heated kiss that had him whimper in pleasure.

''Euronymous...'', he whispered in pleasant surprise.

''Just a little more...'', Euronymous panted, licking the other mans lips and continuing a path down his throat and neck before biting the soft skin there.

Dead moaned and bit his lip hard, clenching his hands together.

''I can't...'', the Swedish man whimpered, breathing hard as he was bit a little more roughly.

''You can't stay silent?'', Euronymous asked teasingly and pushed his body against the other man. Their restricted erections pressed together and the guitarist groaned in frustration against the Swede's neck.

Dead shook his head, he wanted to moan out loud and almost did it right before his lips was claimed again and the Norwegian man silenced him by kissing him deeply. Euronymous locked their hands together and they made out slowly against the wall, grinding their bodies softly against each other.

Out in the living room Varg sat and talked with Hellhammer about music while keeping one eye on the kitchen door. As he listened to the drummer speak, he strained his ears to see if he could hear any other noises from the other room. He didn't hear anything unusual but he knew that something was not right. He was still convinced that he had heard the guitarist's name moaned out yesterday from inside the Swedish mans room and he was determined to find out what that meant.

''I'll go get some water. Be right back'', Varg excused himself with a smile to the drummer.

''Alright, I have to go check something on my drum set anyway.'', Hellhammer said, standing up.

''Any problem?'', Varg asked, faking an interest.

''Nah, just the chair feels kinda loose. Have to see if I can fix it. And just generally take a check and see that nothing else will fall apart'', the drummer said annoyed.

''If you need any help let me know'', Varg smiled and Hellhammer nodded gratefully before heading upstairs.

Varg moved towards the almost closed kitchen door and carefully pushed it more open so he could look inside without being seen first. He didn't see or hear anything from what little view he had so he carefully stepped further in to get a better look. His eyes scanned the room and he almost gasped as his gaze fell upon his two band members, pressed closed together against the wall.

''Fuck...'', Varg whispered at the sight of Euronymous and Dead passionately kissing right in front of him.

Clearly none of them had noticed him as they were both standing with their eyes closed, breathing hard against each other as their lips moved together. Varg swallowed hard at what he witnessed. He couldn't believe his eyes. There was no fucking way this was happening.

Just as he was getting close to question his own sanity he heard the most vulnerable, helpless sound he had ever heard before and his eyes glued themselves to the vocalist who had let out a muffled whimper. He stared in fascination at how the guitarist was arching against the blonde man, pushing him harder against the wall in what could not be seen as anything but pure raw lust.

Varg parted his lips at the private display he had walked in on. He looked in awe at how the Swedish man surrendered to the pleasure Euronymous was giving him with his mouth and hands. When Dead couldn't hold back another whimper, Varg cursed internally and tore his eyes away from the scene before quickly getting out of the room. With a pounding heart he closed the door quietly and rushed over to the phone so he could make a call while he was still alone in the living room.

''Hey, it's me...I need a video camera..'', Varg said into the phone.

''...okay? Why?'', Necro answered on the other side of the line.

''Never mind why. It's all part of the plan!'', Varg said impatiently.

''Fine, whatever. You can come borrow mine'', Necro sighed, sounding already tired of this.

''No. You need to come here with it'', Varg said firmly.

''What? Fuck that. Where are you anyway?'', Necro asked annoyed.

''At Euronymous... Just get over here with it! You don't have to stay. I can't leave and I need the camera now.'', Varg almost hissed. He needed to end this call before anyone came.

''For fuck sake...fine!'', Necro mumbled.

Varg tossed aside the telephone and hurried back to his seat on the couch. He had to take several deep breaths to calm himself down and get rid of the excitement he felt. He needed to keep his cool and act normal. With a last, deep breath, he stared restlessly out the window, wondering when Necro would be here with the camera.

Inside the kitchen Euronymous pulled away from Dead after making the vocalist writhe and whimper in pleasure for several minutes against the wall.

''...I don't know about you..but I can't wait much longer..'', Euronymous panted against the other man.

Dead closed his eyes and nodded breathlessly. His erection was straining inside his pants and his cheeks where flushed red in arousal. Euronymous stared at him and bit his lip hard.

''Fuck you look so hot'', the guitarist mumbled and reached out a hand to stroke down the blonde mans chest.

Dead moaned quietly at the caress and arched his hips as the hand stroked over his crotch.

Euronymous breathed hard at the sight of the other man. He grabbed Dead's hips and pulled him into his arms, making the Swede wrap his own arms around his neck to hold on. He kissing him hard and moved his hands to Dead's back and started massaging his ass, chuckling as the frontman moaned into the kiss, pressing their bodies closer.

''I think you need to get fucked now...don't you agree?'', Euronymous whispered into the vocalist's ear and felt the other man nod desperately against him. He smirked at Dead's eagerness and groaned as the blonde arched even closer to him, pressing his erection hard against his leg.

''So horny aren't you?...'', Euronymous muttered, kissing the Swedish mans neck, ''I'll find a way for us to sneak out...cause you really it now...don't you, huh? ...You need my cock inside you?'', the guitarist asked in a low dark voice.

Dead shivered at the words, his body feeling hot and cold at the same time. The Norwegian man made him feel so good and he yearned in shame for a deep penetration. It was almost as if he could feel his asshole clench at the thought of being filled up and it made him whimper in humiliation.

''Say it'', Euronymous whispered to him, before capturing his lips in a soft kiss.

''Say that you need me'', the guitarist continued, kissing him deeply again.

Dead blushed and keened embarrassed as his lips was released.

''...I need you...'', he sobbed quietly, burying his face against the other mans neck as Euronymous stroked his back and kissed his throat.

''Good boy'', Euronymous said softly, pulling carefully away before smiling to the frontman.

''Fuck...okay...so, let's go...'', the guitarist said, grinning.

''...you mean right now...?'', Dead asked unsure. He didn't really think Euronymous meant it literally.

''Yes. I'm horny as fuck and so are you, what's the problem?'', Euronymous questioned, stroking over Dead's erection again.

''But they're still here...'', Dead gasped as he was slowly massaged.

''So?'', Euronymous mumbled, stroking the vocalist harder through his pants.

''We can't...they'll hear us inside...'', Dead whispered in a strangled voice, sounding more and more desperate.

''...what if we go outside?'', Euronymous smirked, carefully opening up the Swede's pants.

''Stop...'', Dead moaned, but didn't move away from the touch.

''...haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to get fucked in a car?'', Euronymous snickered and faked a surprised gasp as he finally managed to open up the other mans pants and thrust his hand inside to grab the vocalist's erection.

''Fuck...please, don't...'', Dead bit his lip hard to keep from moaning loudly.

''I'll stop...if you can agree to come with me to the car...'', Euronymous said, pumping the leaking cock in his hand.

Dead fell into the guitarist's arms again at the pleasure that shot through his whole body.

''Please...not here...'', the frontman pleaded, clutching the Norwegian mans arm.

''So you'll let me fuck you in the car?'', Euronymous asked hopefully, stroking over the sensitive cock head.

Dead's grip tightened around the guitarist's arm as he struggled to keep quiet, ''...yes!..'', he whimpered brokenly and panted when Euronymous removed his hand.

''Let's go!'', the guitarist said eagerly, pulling the other man with him by his arm.

''Wait! ...what about the coffee?'', Dead said, stopping them from leaving the room.

''The what? ….oh god damn it Dead! Who cares...'', Euronymous almost whined impatiently.

''We have to'', the Swedish man said, taking three beers out of the fridge and pouring coffee over in a large cup.

Euronymous looked at him in almost disbelief.

''Come on!'', the guitarist snapped, a little irritated at how the blonde man didn't just do what he wanted.

''Yes, chill. I'm coming'', Dead mumbled, handing the cup over to Euronymous who sighed and took it.

Dead smirked at the displeased attitude the Norwegian man was showing. It turned him on knowing that Euronymous wanted to fuck him so badly that he was starting to get annoyed because it didn't happen right here right now. When the guitarist really wanted something he had absolutely no patience to wait for it.

''...where the fuck is everyone?', Euronymous exclaimed outside in the living room.

Dead shrugged and put the beers down on the table before taking the cup from Euronymous and placing it where Varg was sitting.

''But...this was not how it was suppose to go!'', the Norwegian man sighed.

''...huh?'', Dead wondered, opening his beer.

The guitarist growled, ''How are we suppose to sneak away from the others when we don't know were they are? ...They could be outside for all we know!'', Euronymous hissed quietly.

''Ah. Right. I don't know...'', the frontman shrugged again, drinking his beer.

Euronymous was just about to complain some more when Varg came in the front door, stopping abruptly when he saw them.

''...Hi!'', the younger man said a little bewildered as if he didn't expect to see other people.

Euronymous raised an eyebrow, ''Where's Hellhammer?'', he asked.

''Upstairs. Checking on his drums'', Varg answered.

When Euronymous rolled his eyes and went to open his beer, the younger man quickly tucked away the camera he was hiding behind his back and placed it under an old jacket that was lying on a dresser next to the door. Now he just had to wait for a perfect opportunity to use it.

''Okay. Fine. Coffee's on the table'', Euronymous said, trying not to sound irritated. He looked at Dead who kept his eyes on the ground, drinking his beer and staying silent.

''Cool. Thanks!'', Varg smiled, sitting down on the couch again.

''How long has he been upstairs? Is he coming down soon?'', the guitarist asked, licking his lips as he watched the frontman drink his beer slowly.

''Just a little while. Not sure what he's doing.'', Varg said.

''Okay...fuck...'', Euronymous mumbled, tearing his eyes away from Dead's glistening lips.

''Why?'', Varg questioned, smirking a little.

''Nothing, just, uhm, he was suppose to help me with something outside...but maybe Dead can help me instead'', Euronymous lied and faked a smile at their new bass player, trying to look chilled out.

''I can help you'', Varg said, hiding his grin at the way the guitarist was almost tripping impatiently in front of him.

Clearly the other man was up to something and he had a feeling that he didn't have to wait long until the camera he had hidden away would be put to use.

''No, no, no, you relax. Drink your coffee! It won't take long!'', Euronymous said, already moving towards the front door.

Dead got up to follow him, keeping his eyes on the ground as he could feel the bass players eyes linger on him.

''Want me to tell Hellhammer that you're doing it with Dead?'', Varg asked, smiling down into his cup as he drank the coffee.

''...what?'', Euronymous asked, sounding slightly panicky.

''If Hellhammer comes down, I'll tell him that Dead's helping you'', Varg said.

''Uhm, yeah. Okay. Thanks!'', Euronymous hurriedly answered, hoping that they would be back again before that happened considering that the drummer had no idea what was going on and he didn't want Hellhammer to start asking questions.

Euronymous gently pushed Dead outside the door and slammed it shut before taking his hand and dragging him over to the car. He quickly unlocked the backseat door and bent in to push aside an old tool box and a couple of bottles that had been lying there forever. When he had cleared enough space for them he jumped inside and stretched out his arms for Dead.

''Come here'', the guitarist whispered and pulled the frontman in and over his lap so they were facing each other.

''Finally'', Euronymous mumbled and kissed Dead passionately. He wrapped his arms around the blonde man, holding him tightly as he grind his hips up against the Swede.

Dead moaned, feeling so aroused, he had never really been on the other mans lap before and he felt insecure and excited at the same time of being held so close and feeling Euronymous erection press up against his ass like that.

''Euronymous...'', Dead panted as the guitarist kissed his way down his neck while letting his hands roam over his back and under his shirt.

''So hot'', Euronymous murmured, grabbing the Swede's hips and thrusting himself up towards the other mans body.

Dead moaned loudly and threw his head back. He grabbed the backseats on either side of Euronymous' head to hold on to as they began to heavily move against each other. Their bodies arched and writhed closer with Euronymous thrusting up and Dead grinding down on him. The guitarist captured the frontmans lips again in a wet, deep kiss that left them both breathless as they pulled apart. They leaned their heads against each other, both panting in lust and Euronymous lifted a hand to stroke lovingly over the Swedish mans face. Dead smiled softly, closed his eyes, and leaned in to the caress. Euronymous heart fluttered at the beautiful sight just inches in front of him. He thought of everything he had discovered today and how happy it had made him knowing that Dead had gotten rid of all the rotten animals for him, and the beautiful drawing of his name he had found on the vocalist's desk.

''...Thank you...'', Euronymous whispered.

Dead opened his eyes, ''What for?'', he asked softly, a little confused.

Euronymous smiled, ''Just for being here...'', he said quietly and kissed the blonde man gently.

Dead's heart swelled at the words.

_...Maybe he does need me...like I need him..._

''Can't wait to see the river with you.'', Euronymous said, sounding more like himself again as he smirked teasingly at the vocalist, slowly rotating his hips so his erection kept pressing hard against the other mans ass.

''Yeah?'', Dead moaned, craving more and more to the feel the guitarist cock inside him now.

''Yeah...it's nice to have alternative places to fuck...'', the Norwegian man said and bit the the Swede's neck roughly.

Dead groaned and arched his whole body, ''Euronymous...please...'', he whimpered.

Euronymous thrust harder up against him and Dead moaned, ''Please...can we...'', he began before he was grabbed by the guitarist strong arms and flipped over on his back on the backseats.

''Better?'', the Norwegian man asked, towering over him.

Dead nodded eagerly, automatically surrendering completely. He loved being here underneath the other man, feeling his powerful presence over him while looking into his warm eyes. Euronymous smiled down at him and Dead closed his eyes and waited for the soft lips he knew would come.

''Yes...'', he mewled when he was kissed tenderly again.

Euronymous kept kissing the Swede as he opened his pants and pushed them down, revealing the frontmans dripping erection.

''Do you want them all the way off?'', the guitarist asked in a thick voice full of arousal. The sight of the other mans cock had him groaning in lust.

Dead nodded and blushed a little at what he wanted, but Euronymous claimed his lips again and didn't let him go until he had managed to strip him off his pants, leaving his lower body completely naked.

The guitarist maneuvered around in the small space he had, tossing aside the vocalist clothes before parting the Swede's legs. He licked his lips at the sight of the other mans asshole.

''You're still a little opened aren't you, from my fingering earlier'', Euronymous smirked and touched the moist entrance with two of his fingers.

''Please'', Dead moaned, spreading his legs further.

''Don't want to hurt you'', Euronymous said softly, fishing out the vaseline from his pocket and coating his two fingers in it before thrusting them deep inside the other man.

Dead whimpered loudly, ''More...'', he pleaded desperately, arching his hips.

''You want my cock already?'', Euronymous asked darkly, moving his fingers roughly inside the now gaping asshole.

Dead nodded breathlessly as the two fingers thrust in and out of him. He was so fucking turned on and he wanted it faster, deeper, harder!

''More! Please!'', the vocalist begged and sobbed as his prostate was massaged hard. He could feel the fingers inside him, gliding over his inner walls, pushing against his sweet spot and making him lose his mind in pleasure.

''Shh...shh.. I'll give you what you want'', Euronymous said in a low voice, pulling his fingers out gently and groaning as he saw how the frontmans hole tried to clench around them desperately, not wanting to feel empty.

The guitarist opened up his own pants and pushed them down enough so he could be free to move comfortably. He grabbed Dead's long legs and bent them far back against the Swedish mans chest, exposing him more than he had ever done before. He almost came at the delicious sight of the trembling, wet entrance he was soon to penetrate and he looked up at the vocalist, searching for any discomfort on his face. What he saw when he met the other mans gaze was pure lust glistening from his half closed eyes.

''Fucking hell...'', the Norwegian man groaned, gripping the Swede's legs harder before thrusting his cock inside the warm, eager body underneath him in one quick motion.

Dead tossed his head back and let out a deep sob as his ass was opened up further to make room for the guitarist large erection. The cock filled him up completely, pressing towards his walls, already rubbing softly against his prostate as Euronymous pushed all the way in before stopping. The penetration was so deep this time and Dead moaned in pleasure, clenching hard around the Norwegian mans shaft.

''Please...'', he whimpered, gripping the car seat above his head with one hand to keep his balance as Euronymous began thrusting into him, while his other hand found the guitarist's arm, grabbing it hard in lust.

Euronymous groaned above him and Dead sobbed at the sound. He was fucked fast and hard into the backseat and his mind became clouded in pleasure. This was everything he wanted in the world right now. To feel the guitarist's body so close to him, have his cock deep inside him, filling him with so much pleasure he had never dared to dream of. Just as he closed his eyes he felt a pair of warm lips kiss him and he opened them again and stared in to the other mans lust filled gaze. Euronymous licked his lips and kissed him slowly, and Dead clung to him and kissed him passionately back.

Euronymous smiled, thrusting against the Swedish man in a hard, steady rhythm. He closed his eyes and panted at the good feeling. It was the most wonderful thing to be inside the other man like this. They were so close, the vocalist body was pulling him in, clenching around him, not letting him go. Euronymous groaned loudly again at the sensation. He could feel Dead's arm holding on to him tightly and he leaned down and pressed their foreheads together before he kissed the frontman deeply. Dead moaned underneath him, throwing his head back as his prostate was hit again and again.

Euronymous took the opportunity to kiss the other mans throat, licking the skin there and moaning at the pleasure of being inside the willing body. He thrust faster and faster inside the frontman, burying his face against the Swedish mans neck as he felt his orgasm approach.

''Dead...gonna cum soon'', the guitarist moaned, gracing his teeth over the sensitive skin he was facing.

Dead gasped, also wanting to reach climax even though a part of him wished Euronymous would not stop fucking him.

''I want you to cum with me'', Euronymous groaned out and Dead felt his body flush at the words. That was one of the hottest thing he had ever heard.

''Yes'', he whimpered, arching against the man above him as he was pounded harder.

''...you want to touch yourself...or should I?'', Euronymous asked breathlessly, slamming his cock over and over again inside the open, wet heat.

''Touch me, please!'', Dead sobbed submissively.

Euronymous forced himself up so he could slip a hand between them and wrap it around the frontman's hard shaft. He knew it wouldn't take long for the Swede to release in his hand. He could hear the vocalist's moans getting more desperate, more needy and he made sure that his thrust was hitting the blonde's prostate dead on everytime.

''Don't stop...don't stop...'', Dead begged, feeling the orgasm build in his stomach. It tingled in his abdomen and spread out and down his whole lower body. He felt warmer and warmer and he knew that his climax was here.

''...Euronymous I'm...'', the vocalist moaned and saw stars as his prostate was pounded hard against while his cock was stroked fast. His orgasm hit him full force and he arched his whole body up just as the guitarist climaxed deep inside him, filling him with his cum.

''….Don't stop...'', Dead whispered one last time as the last of his orgasm was milked out of him and he was left exhausted and satisfied.

Euronymous carefully pulled out and gently helped Dead to stretch out his legs.

''How are you?'', he asked, wiping his hand on the car seat to get rid of the vocalist's cum from his hand.

_I have to clean this piece of shit car soon anyway..._

''Good...'', Dead said quietly, blushing a little.

''No pain right?'', Euronymous asked just to be sure, stroking the vocalist's legs as he gave him his pants back.

Dead shook his head, ''No...just a little sticky...'', he mumbled embarrassed, feeling how the cum inside him was beginning to drip out as he moved around and he quickly pulled on his clothes

''You run up and clean yourself quickly when we get in, okay?'', Euronymous smirked and bit his lip at thought of the Swede spreading his ass open to clean himself out.

Dead nodded and looked sheepishly around the car before his eyes froze on the spot where the guitarist had dried off his cum.

''Shouldn't we removed that?'', he asked insecurely.

''Nah. Can't be bothered now...we'll do it tomorrow or something. Don't worry.'', Euronymous shrugged carelessly and gave the frontman a soft kiss before opening the car door to get out.

Before the Swede could go after him, he leaned down and gave him one last long kiss, ''You were so fucking good today'', the guitarist said and gave the blonde a warm smile.

Dead smiled back and followed the Norwegian man back to the house again.

''How did it go?'', Varg asked as as they stepped inside.

Euronymous cursed internally as he saw Hellhammer sitting next to the younger man, drinking his beer and looking curiously at them. Dead stood quietly beside him and the guitarist sighed low in frustration. What the fuck was he suppose to say?

''It – it went fine..'', he mumbled, shooting a glance at the drummer who was staring absentmindedly out the window.

_....Why isn't he saying anything?_

''Good. Good.'', Varg said, gesturing for them sit down with him again.

Euronymous looked at Dead who shot him a quick look back before turning around to head upstairs.

''Alright, I have to fix my chair before I can continue to play tomorrow'', the drummer suddenly said with a smile, changing the subject completely. He took his beer with him as he stood up and walked over to Euronymous.

''Where's are all your tools? Couldn't find anything where you usually keep them. I need to tighten a couple of the screws.'', Hellhammer said.

''Right...yeah... I used it to fix something on the car the other day...'', Euronymous said, a little taken a back by everything that was going on.

''Okay. I'll go get it then. Is your car open?'', Hellhammer asked on his way to the door.

''Mhm, yeah...'', Euronymous mumbled before his whole body froze as he realized what the drummer just said.

_Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit!_

''Cool! Back in a sec!'', Hellhammer yelled, already outside the house.

Euronymous heart pounded inside his chest and he spun around to see the vocalist staring wide eyed at him from half way up the stairs. With Varg still in the room, none of them could say anything about the situation.

''Any problem?'', Varg spoke up from the couch, sipping his coffee slowly.

''Nope, everything's fine. Just gonna go wash my hands!'', Euronymous answered shortly and gave the younger man a quick smile before rushing both him and the frontman upstairs and into the bathroom.

''Fuck!'', Dead cried quietly when Euronymous slammed the bathroom door shut behind them.

''Calm down. There's no way he'll find out anything'', the Norwegian man said, embracing the blonde from behind.

''But...fuck! He'll see Euronymous! He'll see!'', Dead whimpered.

''See what? There's nothing to see!'', Euronymous said aggravated.

''...my cum'', Dead almost sobbed, feeling so embarrassed at the thought.

''Fuck!'', Euronymous groaned, ''Okay, alright, it's going to be fine. He's just going to reach in, grab the tools and then get out. There's no fucking need for him to climb far in'', the guitarist said reassuringly.

''Okay'', Dead nodded, feeling a little more relaxed.

''Now. You start cleaning yourself okay, and then come down as soon as you're done. No hiding away! I want you with me downstairs.'', Euronymous demanded, opening up the Swedish mans pants and pushing them down.

''Yes'', Dead said softly, gasping as his ass was gently spread.

''Good boy'', Euronymous whispered in his ear, pushed two fingers deep inside the soaked entrance before pulling them out again.

''So fucking wet'', the guitarist smirked and washed his hands quickly, leaned in to give the blushing blonde man a small kiss, and then left the bathroom to head downstairs again.

Outside the house, Hellhammer yawned and snorted at the stupid behavior of his band members.

_What the fuck are you playing at Euronymous?_

He rolled his eyes and opened the car to look inside. His eyes quickly fell on the tool box on the other side and he sighed and climbed in so he could reach it better.

''Fucking mess...'', he mumbled and grimaced as his hand landed in something wet when he stretched further in to grip the box.

''Oh for fuck sake!'', he shouted, throwing out the box and looking at his hand.

''What the fuck....?'', he mumbled and stared at the sticky substance on his fingers.

_No fucking way..._

Hellhammer nervously looked closer at the white stain on the guitarist car seat and then back again to his own hand. The more he looked the more dreadful he felt as he slowly realized that the slightly familiar, sticky white liquid was fresh cum.

''Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!'', he hissed, stumbling out of the car before slamming the door shut. He was about to dry his hand on his pants but stopped himself. There was no way he was walking around with that on him!

''Are you fucking kidding me! …Just why?!'', he growled frustrated, bending down to wipe his hand on the grass. He really didn't want to think about who that cum belonged to although he had his theories.

_Whatever's going on...it's none of my fucking business!_

''Seriously...'', he muttered as he got up, grabbed the tool box and went inside the house.

Varg stood by the window so he could see when the drummer returned from the car that was parked out of sight. He had the phone against his ear, impatienly waiting for the man on the other line to pick up.

''Listen, I can't talk for long. I need you to make sure Hellhammer leaves early from Euronymous' tomorrow, alright? Just keep him out of the way when I call you again.'', Varg half whispered into the phone when he heard the former bassist greet him.

''Fine fine, what the fuck is going on anyway?'', Necro asked.

''Never mind that. I'll tell you later. Just trust me. You'll get your revenge'', Varg said, looking at the small screen on the camera where his latest video was playing.

''Okay, whatever. Just make sure it really pisses them off!'', Necro said, sounding pleased.

''Of course'', Varg said mischievously before hanging up the phone.

He stared fixated down on the little screen again where a video showed two of his band members locked in a heated kiss inside a car. He licked his lips in excitement as the blonde man on the screen threw his head back in lust when the guitarist grabbed him hard and kissed his neck before flipping him over from his lap and down on his back. The only thing that could be seen on the screen now was Euronymous' backside moving erotically over what he knew was Dead lying underneath him on the car seats.

Varg shut the camera quickly and hid it away again when Euronymous came downstairs just as Helhammer stepped inside the house. All three of them looked at each other and Euronymous could feel there was a slight tension in the air.

''You found the tool box! Good! ...More beer?'', he asked the drummer, breaking the silence in the room.

''Yes!'', Hellhammer yelled in almost desperation on his way to the stairs.

_I need to get drunk..._

''Just gonna fix my chair! Be right back!'', he shouted down to the others.

''Okay, so, tell me more about Bergen and your connection there.'', Euronymous said, smiling, as he arrived with more drinks and snacks for them.

''Alright!'', Varg said and began telling the guitarist about his life back home while his heart pounded in anticipation as he thought about the plans he had made for them all the next day.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Euronymous rubbed his eyes tiredly as he stared out the window while trying to concentrate on what the man on the other side of the line was saying to him. He held the phone closer to his ear, narrowing his eyes at the bright daylight that hit his face through the window glass.

''Yeah, that sounds great! Of course we're interested!'', the guitarist said, forcing his voice to sound more enthusiastic and less tired.

The sunlight outside became too bright for him to look at and he turned his back to the window and instead stared at his two other sleeping band members in the room. Everyone, except for Varg who had gone home, had crashed in the living room after drinking a little more than anticipation the night before. Euronymous smiled softly as he watched the vocalist curled up in his chair with half a blanket over him, his chest falling and rising in slow breathing as he slept quietly. He couldn't stop staring at the calm expression on the Swedish mans face and his heart fluttered at the way Dead parted his lips and slowly licked them in his sleep before sighing deeply.

 _So precious_...

''….No problem, we'll find the way....thank you!'', Euronymous said to the man on the phone before hanging up.

He stretched his whole body and rubbed his eyes again before he threw himself down on the couch where he and Hellhammer had crashed during the night. The drummer was sleeping crossed arm with his head thrown back and legs on the table. Euronymous lied down on the rest of the couch so he could reach out and lightly kick the drummer to wake him up.

''Wake up stupid, I've got news!'', the guitarist said in a low voice, not wanting to disturb the Swedish man in the chair next to him.

Hellhammer sighed annoyed in his sleep and shifted around, trying to move away from the annoying foot.

''Fuck off...'', the drummer mumbled and pushed Euronymous' leg away when the guitarist kicked him again.

''Come on! We got shit to do...and I'm hungry!'', Euronymous complained, stretching out further to kick the drummer a little harder on his side.

''Seriously man! I will throw you out the fucking window if you don't stop!'', Hellhammer growled and opened his eyes to glare at the guitarist.

Euronymous grinned and sat up straight on the couch. He quickly shot a glance at the frontman to see if he had woken up, but Dead was still sleeping quietly in his chair. He looked back at the drummer and almost jumped a little at the intense stare the other man gave him. Euronymous blinked and was about to ask if there was something wrong when suddenly Hellhammer gave him a short smile and nodded towards the vocalist.

''Strange...never really seem him sleep...'', the drummer said quietly, studying the Swedish man.

Euronymous anxiously bit his lip and looked at Dead. He really did not want to comment on the vocalist's sleeping habits. It somehow now felt too intimate in a way and it made him slightly uncomfortable hearing it mentioned by his other band member.

'' Okay, so, what's up?'', Hellhammer asked, moving his legs off the table and stretching loudly.

Euronymous sighed gratefully at the subject change and shot one last look over at Dead before turning his attention towards the drummer.

''We got the gig!'', he grinned and tried not to sound so excited. The thought of playing again and earning some desperately needed money thrilled him so much and he couldn't hold back on his enthusiasm.

''Okay, cool, the one in next the next town right?'', Hellhammer wondered, smiling as he stood up and nodded towards the kitchen, ''You said you were hungry, yeah?''.

Euronymous jumped up and followed the other man. He thought for a second if he should wake up Dead but decided he would rather let the blonde man sleep. As he quickly glanced over at the vocalist he saw that the blanket had fallen completely off and he instinctively took a step towards the other man so he could cover him with it again.

''Eggs on toast or frozen pizza?'', Hellhammer asked from the kitchen door and Euronymous abruptly stopped on his way to the Swedish man. He blinked and tried to gather himself.

''...we have pizza?'', the guitarist asked surprised and pretended to look for something nearby the vocalist's chair.

''Yeah...no idea how long it's been there though...but it's probably still good...'', Hellhammer muttered, raising an eyebrow as Euronymous scanned the floor next to Dead.

''...what the fuck are you doing now?'', the drummer sighed, following the guitarist with his eyes as the other man bent down to look under the table.

''Uh, nothing...just...you know, looking around...pizza sounds great! Throw it in!'', Euronymous said eagerly and quickly grabbed some random papers that were lying on the ground.

''...alright...everything's okay?'', Hellhammer asked a little skeptical.

''Yeah, sure!'', Euronymous smiled, standing up from the floor.

''Right...what you got there?'', the drummer wondered, pointing at the papers.

Euronymous groaned internally. He had no idea what the fuck he had just picked up. All he wanted was for the other man to leave so he could put the damn blanket over the frontman again before he woke up.

''It's uh...it's...Dead's lyrics!'', the guitarist said as he discreetly tried to look at the papers.

''Why?'', Hellhammer asked, leaning against the doorway.

Euronymous wanted to roll his eyes and growl, ''I...wanted to see if there was anything we haven't used yet...you know how he sometimes starts to write but then stops midway...just want to check that we're not missing out on anything good...'', he said, trying to keep his voice calm and not show his impatience.

''Oh, okay. Not a bad idea'', the drummer mumbled and turned to go inside the kitchen again.

Euronymous breathed out a sigh of relief and looked at Dead. He raised his eyebrows in slight disbelief as he saw the vocalist was still sleeping peacefully.

_How the fuck...?_

He was sure he would have woken up the other man by now and was almost ready to ask Dead if he wanted pizza.

Euronymous felt a smile on his face as his eyes traveled over the frontman's long legs and slim body. He nervously checked the kitchen door before leaning down to pick up the blanket from the floor and placing it gently over the Swedish man. He couldn't help letting his hands linger on Dead's arm, softly stroking over him and feeling his warmth. He licked his lips, wanting to kiss the Swede so badly. He had gotten so used to kissing the vocalist and touching him in the morning that he now felt an almost restlessness in his body as his needs weren't able to be fulfilled. He grit his teeth as he felt a strong urge to curl up next to the Swedish man and hold him close.

''Pizza's in the oven!'', Hellhammer yelled from the kitchen and Euronymous cringed at the loud voice and stared annoyed at how it made Dead stir in his sleep.

_Damn it Hellhammer!_

He cursed under his breath before walking into the kitchen, narrowing his eyes in irritation at the drummer who stood with his back against him.

''Dead's not coming?'', Hellhammer asked as Euronymous sat down at the table.

''No. Still sleeping.'', the guitarist said, staring longingly at the pizza in the oven.

''Okay'', Hellhammer said on his way to close the kitchen door so they wouldn't disturb the vocalist. ''….wasn't that blanket on the floor?...'', he mumbled quietly, tilting his head questioningly as he looked at the tucked in sleeping figure in the chair.

''...What?'', Euronymous asked annoyed. He was so fucking hungry now.

''Nothing'', the drummer answered, smiling a little as he looked at the guitarist before his smile stiffened as he was reminded of his discoveries in Euronymous' car the night before. He shuddered at the thought and grabbed a beer from the fridge, quickly opening it and drinking it hastily.

''So you never answered me about where the next gig is?'', Hellhammer said in a slightly strained voice as he tried not to think about what his two band members potentially were doing together.

_Once again, it's none of your fucking business!_

''It's in the next town yeah. Finally got a call back from them and we can play there in two days'', Euronymous said, closing his eyes and leaning his head in his hands. He could feel a headache coming on and he prayed the pizza would soon be ready so he could eat.

''They sure don't like giving us a lot of preparation time...'', Hellhammer muttered and finished his beer.

''Hmm? No...'', Euronymous said quietly and shut his eyes tight. His head was really beginning to hurt.

''You think there will be a problem?'', Hellhammer asked as he checked the pizza.

''What?'', the guitarist sighed, sinking further down on to the table.

''With our new bass player...I mean, we know all our tunes so we're fine, but will he be ready in two days?'', the drummer wondered, biting his lip thoughtfully as he studied the pizza inside the oven.

Euronymous looked up from where he was hiding his face in his arms, ''Fuck...didn't think of that...damn it!'', he groaned frustrated.

''Okay, chill. I'm sure it will be okay. You said it yourself, he is professional and knows our songs, right?'', Hellhammer said quickly, trying to reassure the guitarist that everything would be fine.

Euronymous just nodded, ''Is it done?'', he asked hopefully, looking at the oven.

''Yeah. Fuck. It's done'', Hellhammer smiled and rushed to grab some oven mitts so he could take the pizza out.

Euronymous grinned and slowly got up to get a big glass of water as the drummer cut the delicious looking pizza up.

''No beer?'', Hellhammer smirked, placing the food on the table.

Euronymous shook his head as he drank the water, ''Killer headache. Need to eat''.

''Dig in'', Hellhammer said as he grabbed a slice, ''Not bad!''.

''...so fucking good...'', Euronymous almost groaned as he sat down again and took the first bite of his own slice. He could feel the headache slowly calming down a little after getting some food and water.

''...okay...that's nice...it's just a pizza you know...'', Hellhammer said quietly, grimacing and looking slightly uncomfortable at the unmistakable noises of satisfaction the man next to him produced as he ate.

_Has he always made so much noise while eating?_

The drummer stared with one eye at the guitarist while he slowly chewed his own food.

_Stop fucking thinking about it for fuck sake!_

Hellhammer sighed and tried to concentrate on the pizza but the tension in his body made him shudder visibly and he jumped up to get another beer.

''Is it cold in here?'', Euronymous asked, looking over at the window to see if it was open.

''No! Or, a little. I'll go get my sweater...'', Hellhammer mumbled on his way out.

''Can you get the painkillers?'', Euronymous asked, feeling the headache still linger in the back of his head.

''Yeah, sure'', the drummer answered, giving a short smile before walking out.

Out in the living room Hellhammer quickly went over to the couch to grab his sweater. It really wasn't cold inside but he desperately needed to clear his mind before continuing to eat. He looked around for the painkillers, hoping they were downstairs somewhere so he didn't have to get all the way up to find them. As he scanned the room his eyes fell on the sleeping vocalist and he smiled a little to himself.

_He looks so calm and comfortable...._

The drummer had never seen the Swede look so peaceful and it amazed him that the frontman still managed to sleep.

_Whatever you're doing Euronymous then I guess you should keep it up..._

Hellhammer sighed quietly as the tension he felt just minutes ago slowly disappeared. His eyes lit up as he saw the painkillers at the table by the window and he quietly went over to get them. The drummer picked up the small package and glanced over at the blonde man again.

_...I'll ask them about it....one day...._

_...maybe..._

Just as he was about to leave his eyes fell on Dead's scarred arms and he bit his lip as he came to think of what Euronymous said about how he wanted the vocalist to not cut on stage anymore.

_Damn it..._

''Here you go'', Hellhammer said, throwing the painkillers on the table next to the guitarist.

Euronymous nodded in thanks as he was still eating.

''So...I know you have a lot on your mind, but have you thought more about our stage show...and the cutting?'', Hellhammer asked carefully, watching how the other man rubbed his eyes before taking one pill.

''...I knew there was something more I'd forgotten...I'm losing grip man!...'', Euronymous sighed loudly in frustration.

''Hey, don't worry! Listen, how about I drive in to town later on and see if I can get some of that fake blood? Then we have all day tomorrow to figure something out about how to use it.'', the drummer said, looking worried at how the guitarist all of sudden began doubting himself.

Euronymous took a deep breath and drank up the last of his water, ''Okay, thanks. Fuck. This headache...can't concentrate properly....alright, okay, so we'll play our asses of on the show and get some fucking money so we can buy a fucking new stereo to replace the broken one that the fucking cunt ass bitch Necro destroyed...''.

Hellhammer snorted at the anger the guitarist displayed at their former bassist. It wasn't that he was okay with what Necro had done but he still thought Euronymous had overreacted just a little by firing him without even talking it out with the other man.

''Right. Are you buying a new table too?'', the drummer asked, nodding at the old, bloodstained furniture.

Euronymous sighed, ''No...not yet...don't have the money for it...we need to save some for food too. Have to buy some bread and chocolate milk and stuff....'', he muttered annoyed.

Hellhammer hid his smile, ''...chocolate milk?''.

''Uh...'', Euronymous blinked as he realized what he had just said.

''...for nutritional reasons, right?'', Hellhammer smirked and looked up as he heard the kitchen door open.

''Good morning!'', the drummer smiled at the tired looking figure in the doorway.

''...Morning...'', Dead mumbled, sitting down at the table next to Euronymous.

The guitarist felt a small shiver as he watched the Swedish man stretch his arms and he caught a glimpse of Dead's back as he raised his arms high up. He stared at the revealed skin and wished he could strip the frontman of his shirt and kiss him there. He wanted to touch Dead so fucking badly.

_I wonder if he feels the same now?_

He looked at the expressionless face on the vocalist and smiled at little to himself.

_Probably not...but he will soon..._

His smile grew as he thought of how he wanted to jerk off Dead in the shower later and have him cum hard in his arms before finally snuggle up in the newly made bed they still hadn't been able to sleep in after he changed the bed sheets the day before.

''You hungry? Eat pizza!'', the guitarist said eagerly and pushed the plate over to Dead who stared at him in slight disbelief.

''I'm not...'', the vocalist began but was interrupted by the other man who had gone over to the fridge.

''We have ketchup!'', Euronymous grinned and placed the bottle in front of Dead.

The frontman stared absentmindedly at the bottle, ''I like ketchup...'', he mumbled and licked his lips as his eyes shifted focus over to the pizza slices.

''Good. Eat.'', Euronymous said and gave the vocalist a small, encouraging smile.

Dead gave a tiny smile back and poured ketchup all over one of the pizza slices before slowly beginning to eat. He hoped the other two would start talking about something soon because right now it felt as if they were both staring at him.

''That's a lot of ketchup...'', the drummer muttered quietly, staring wide eyed at the drenched pizza before pulling himself together, ''So we got the gig at the next town!'', he exclaimed to the frontman who raised his eyebrows questioningly as he chewed.

''We're playing in two days man so you better bury those fucking clothes of yours if you're still into that...'', Hellhammer said, trailing off and looking over at Euronymous who nodded and shrugged.

Dead smiled as he ate, ''Cool!'', he said as he grabbed a second slice and drowned it in ketchup too. He felt excitement running through his body at the thought of performing again.

''...and I just told Euronymous that I'll be getting that fake ass blood shit today so we can test it tomorrow.'', the drummer said and finished his beer.

Dead stopped eating at the words and just stared into the air in front of him. He had almost forgotten about the whole fake blood thing.

_You promised remember!_

The vocalist tried to feel the excitement again but it was hard now that he was reminded of how he wasn't allowed to cut anymore. It just didn't feel the same and it almost angered him that he didn't get to do what he wanted to. Euronymous knew how much he loved seeing the knife cut through his flesh and feel the blood run down his arms as he screamed his heart out. It gave him such an adrenaline kick and he longed to feel it again.

_He fucking cares about you!_

Dead narrowed his eyes at the voice in his head.

_And you fucking care now too..._

He carefully looked up as he felt a soft touch on his leg. The guitarist had discreetly placed his hand on his thigh under the table, stroking it gently while giving him a short sideways glance. Dead lowered his eyes and hid his smile. Just this small touch from the other man chased away all his anger and disappointment and he felt a new wave of energy wash over him. So what if he couldn't bleed like he had done before? Things had changed and his heart fluttered as he thought about how he actually had a reason not to harm his body any longer.

… _.Euronymous..._

He parted his lips as he said the guitarist's name loudly inside his head. It gave him shivers and his pulse began raising when he thought of the Norwegian mans hand still caressing his leg. The touch was so gentle, barley there, but it was just what he needed now as support and comfort.

''Okay, sounds great'', Dead smiled and lifted his pizza slice again.He knew that Euronymous expected him to finish eating.

Just as he was about to take a bite, the guitarist let his hand glide all the way up to his crotch and stroke him there before removing it. Dead gasped quietly and writhed softly in his chair. He wasn't even horny before he sat down but now all he wanted was for the other man to continue touching him. The Swede had to look away from the table as he ate because right now it reminded him too much of when he got fucked on it not long ago. Although that night had not been the best for him, it had still felt amazingly good to feel the guitarist inside him and he found himself growing painfully hard at the memory of getting fucked so deep.

''I'm gonna go outside...'', Dead said softly after finishing his food.

He was so full and needed to get some air, ''...is that my lyrics?'', he asked as he spotted the papers on the table.

''Yeah, our leader here wanted to see if there was anything we could have missed. Because you haven't written anything new lately have you?'', Hellhammer smirked.

Dead knew the drummer didn't mean anything by it but he couldn't help feeling a bit useless as he thought about how he actually hadn't written anything or done something else to contribute to the band for some time. He usually had a lot of lyrics lying around but this whole new thing with Euronymous had put him off his track and he felt almost guilty now for not writing like they expected him to.

''No...I..I've been busy...'', the vocalist said quietly and looked down.

''Okay, well, I guess you've had your reasons...'', Hellhammer smiled, glancing over at Euronymous who looked as if he was staring thoughtfully at the ceiling.

''Yeah...'', Dead nodded slowly and gave a careful smile before getting up.

He quickly went up to get his stage clothes before going outside. It was a cloudy, chilling day and he shivered slightly as the wind hit his face. The air still felt good though and breathed it in as he walked around the back of the house to the spot where he liked to bury his clothes. He grabbed his shovel and began digging in the earth.

''You know he didn't mean anything by it, right?'', Euronymous suddenly said right behind him and he quickly stopped his work.

Dead turned around and shrugged, ''Okay...'', he said and began digging again.

''I mean it Dead...don't think about it. I didn't look at your old shit because we needed anything right now. We'll work with what we have and if you write something then that's great, but if you don't then its fine as fuck. So don't worry.'', the guitarist said gently and embraced him softly from behind so he had to stop his digging again.

''I just...I feel like I'm not doing enough...and if I'm not writing then what the fuck am I even doing for the band...'', Dead said miserably, leaning heavily back against the guitarist. He couldn't help thinking about how he never really helped producing the music like the others in the band did. For some reason now it made him feel insecure and he began fearing that what he did wasn't good enough.

''….are you kidding me? Where is all this coming from?'', Euronymous asked in disbelief, pulling the vocalist tight against him, making the Swede drop his shovel.

''I don't know...I mean, I never really thought about anything of that before...but now I'm just not sure...it's not like I can play any instruments or anything...and I can definitely not sing normally...all I do is fucking scream....'', the frontman trailed off unsure.

''...and I fucking love your screaming...'', Euronymous said in a low voice into the blonde mans ear, letting one hand stroke softly over the Swede's crotch.

Dead sighed quietly and closed his eyes, ''So you don't feel like I'm not doing anything?'', he asked in a strained voice.

''Far from it...'', Euronymous whispered, stroking him a little faster through the pants, ''...let me ask you instead; what the fuck would we do without you, huh? ...You have the most powerful, raw, extreme vocal I've ever heard....and people worship you on stage...'', the guitarist breathed hotly down the Swedish mans neck, making him shiver in lust, ''…you are our strong frontman...our vicious bloodthirsty vocalist...you are fucking Mayhem... and I don't need you to be anything more than that...''. Euronymous ended his speech by kissing the vocalist's throat softly.

Dead panted loudly at the praise he got and whimpered helplessly when the Norwegian man bit his neck. His cock was so hard now and he pushed against the hand that rubbed him faster and faster. Euronymous' other hand caressed his throat before gently turning his head around so his lips could be claimed by the other man.

Dead moaned into the kiss and gasped against the guitarist's mouth as a hot spark of pleasure shot through him when the hand on his crotch squeezed his cock hard through the pants.

''Fuck...'', he whimpered and felt Euronymous smile before the guitarist deepened the kiss, moving their mouths faster together.

Dead closed his eyes and enjoyed the other mans warm lips against his own. He loved it when the guitarist wanted to make out with him. He moaned again as the kiss grew wetter and more opened mouthed. The vocalist panted hard and whimpered as their tongues met before he blinked as he suddenly felt cold droplets of water hit his skin.

''Fucking rain...'', Euronymous groaned, pulling away form the blonde man.

Dead didn't mind it at all and whined quietly when the Norwegian man completely moved away from him.

''You coming inside?'', Euronymous asked and looked up at the gray clouds.

''In a minute'', Dead said and grabbed his shovel.

The guitarist shook his head and grinned. Dead grinned back and began digging quickly.

''Come here...'', Euronymous sighed and grabbed the Swedish mans arm, pulling him close before kissing him passionately again.

''Now, hurry up, okay?'', the guitarist said softly as they pulled apart.

''Yes...'', Dead nodded breathlessly and watched the Norwegian man quickly walk away.

The smell of coffee hit Euronymous as he walked inside the house again. He looked over at the couch where the drummer was sitting with his legs up on the table again and a hot cup of newly brewed coffee in his hand.

''There's more in the kitchen'', Hellhammer said without taking his eyes away from the sitcom he watched on the tv.

Euronymous chuckled and went inside the kitchen to get coffee. Without thinking about it he automatically poured two cups; one for himself and one for Dead. He smiled at the action and brought both of the cups outside into the living room before placing one of them down in front of the chair Dead had slept in earlier. He sat down with his own coffee on the couch next to the drummer and stared at the stupid comedy show on the television.

''...if you even think about kicking me again...'', Helhammer muttered, glaring at him with one eye.

Euronymous snorted, ''Fuck off...'', he mumbled into his cup and pulled his legs up from the floor so he could curl up into the corner of the couch.

''Shh, shut up'', Helhammer hissed and looked intensely at the tv before snickering loudly.

''...I didn't even say...'', Euronymous began,

''For real man, shut the fuck up!'', Hellhammer growled, waving one of his hands towards him to make him be silent.

''Fuck sake...'', Euronymous sighed quietly, lifting one eyebrow as the other man burst out laughing at the comedy show.

''...seriously?'', the guitarist asked, questioning the drummers sense of humor.

''Dude!'', Hellhammer shouted, raising his eyebrows before pointing one finger towards Euronymous and then over at the window.

''Alright, alright'', Euronymous raised his hands in defeat and grinned.

Hellhammer grinned back and turned up the volume on the tv.

''Everything okay with Dead, right?'', the drummer asked softly after a short while.

Euronymous nodded as he wondered why the vocalist hadn't come back inside yet.

''Yeah, he's just burying his clothes'', the guitarist answered, looking out the window in hopes of seeing the blonde man.

''Okay. Good....you know I didn't mean to offend him or anything...I was just...'', Hellhammer mumbled.

''...I know, don't worry. I kinda told him exactly that...that's why I went out... I don't want him to lose his inspiration and feel like he's not contributing to the band...because that's bullshit...'', Euronymous said firmly.

''I know, I know. And I swear I didn't mean shit by it,'', Hellhammer hurriedly answered.

''Good. We need Dead.'', the guitarist nodded shortly.

''Yeah, of course. Sure.'', Hellhammer said, noticing the serious tone in the other mans voice.

Euronymous looked at the drummer and saw that the other man was staring thoughtfully at him. Just as Hellhammer looked like he was about to speak, the frontdoor opened and Dead stepped in followed by Varg who shut the door behind him.

Euronymous met the vocalist's eyes and he didn't like how the frontman instantly lowered his gaze to the ground.

_You better not have said anything to him Varg...._

The guitarist narrowed his eyes shortly before forcing a smile to the bass player.

''Hey...'', Varg said, taking off his jacket, ''...anymore coffee?''.

''Yeah, help yourself in the kitchen'', Euronymous answered and looked over at the Swedish man again.

Dead hesitantly watched as Varg walked in to the kitchen to get coffee. He was about to follow when he saw Euronymous nodding to the cup on the table. The blonde man couldn't help smiling in relief when he saw that he didn't have to go in to the other room alone with the bassist to get his own coffee. Euronymous smiled softly back to him when he sat down and took his cup. It was still warm and felt good in his cold hands after he had been outside digging in he rain.

Euronymous wanted to ask Dead if he didn't want to go upstairs and take a shower or at least change his clothes so he didn't have to stay cold. But it felt too awkward to do it in front of the drummer and he didn't want it to look like he was watching every move the vocalist made so he kept his mouth shut and continued to drink his coffee.

''How's the head?'', Hellhammer asked quietly.

''Not good...don't think I will get rid of it today...'', Euronymous sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the couch.

In the chair next to him, Dead sipped his coffee and looked concerned over at the guitarist. He wanted to say or do something to comfort but he had no fucking idea what it could be.

''We don't have to practice for too long today, alright? We just go over the basics and then work longer tomorrow, okay?'', the drummer suggested softly.

Euronymous opened his eyes and hesitantly nodded. He hated appearing so weak in front of his band members. It was just a stupid headache and he should be able to push through it. He sat up straight and wanted to say that they didn't have to cut it short, but as soon as he moved he felt a sharp pain in his head again and he almost whimpered at the sensation.

''Damn it...fine'', the guitarist muttered and gave the drummer a small smile as he curled up on the couch.

Dead looked at Euronymous then over at Hellhammer.

_Why couldn't I say something like that?...._

He wished he was the one who had suggested they take it easy today. He wanted to be the one that made the guitarist feel relaxed. The vocalist drank his coffee as he longingly thought about how he wanted to cuddle up next to the other man and stay there until his headache went away.

''So I talked to my friends in Bergen yesterday and they can easily put us up for a gig in three days if we're interested?'', Varg said as he came in to join them.

''You're serious? That's two shows in a row...'', Hellhammer said surprised.

''What do you mean?'', Varg asked as he sat down on a chair.

''We just got a call for a gig in the next town in two days...'', Euronymous answered, ''I said yes of course but we're totally doing the show in Bergen too, right guys?''.

''Fuck yeah we are!'', Hellhammer exclaimed and looked at Dead who was staring absentmindedly into the air, ''Dead?'', the drummer tried to get in contact with the vacant looking frontman.

''Hmm? Oh yeah, totally!'', the vocalist said with a forced smile. He was still thinking about how he wished he was alone with the guitarist so he could curl up in his warm embrace. He sighed and tried to focus on what the others were talking about.

''Guess we have a lot of practice to do then'', Varg said enthusiastically.

''Yes. But we're keeping it low today and going full force tomorrow after Hellhammer has bought the fake blood that we're gonna use from now on'', Euronymous said.

''Oh. Okay, well, I guess that's alright...'', Varg said thoughtfully.

Hellhammer got up from the couch, ''Should we get started then?'', he asked Euronymous.

''Yes. Let's get this over with...'', the guitarist sighed and got up too.

Dead hurriedly followed right behind them as they began walking up the stairs.

''You coming?'', Euronymous asked, looking at Varg who was still sitting in his chair.

The younger man raised his cup and shrugged. Euronymous rolled his eyes and Varg smirked, ''It's rude not to drink up!'', the bassist smiled.

Upstairs in the band room, Euronymous groaned loudly in pain and grabbed his head, ''I can take another painkiller now right?'', he asked Hellhammer who was about to sit down behind his drums.

''How many did you take downstairs?'', the drummer wondered.

''One'', Euronymous answered and picked up his guitar.

''Then you can at least take one more now...hell probably two...what the fuck do I know...'', Hellhammer said and laughed.

Euronymous chuckled, ''Right...why am I even asking you...be right back''.

Downstairs, Varg finished his coffee and quickly went over to the phone to call Necro.

''Hey, it's me. A little change of plans. We're only doing a small practice so you don't have to keep Hellhammer out of the way. He'll be leaving soon anyway'', Varg said to the former bassist.

''Oh okay...think you can ask if he wants to come over after? ...It's kinda boring now here.'', Necro mumbled irritated.

''Uh, it's not like they know we're talking, I can't just say that you...'', Varg stopped mid sentence as he saw Euronymous come downstairs. The guitarist tilted his head, looking questioningly at him.

''...who's that?'', Euronymous asked quietly, pointing at the phone.

Varg thought for a moment about saying that it was a wrong number, but he knew that the other man had already heard him talk, so he decided on giving him a half truth ''It's uh, it's Necro... he wonders if Hellhammer wants to meet up after.'', Varg said, hiding his smile at the displeased look on the guitarist's face.

''...does he now...son of a bitch...'', Euronymous muttered angry.

''Hey, what's going on? We're waiting...'', Helllhammer said as he too came downstairs.

''Ask Varg'', the guitarist growled and went inside the kitchen to get the painkillers.

Varg sighed, ''Necro wants to know if you can meet him after practice''.

''He called? I didn't hear the phone ring...'', the drummer said a little skeptical.

''I got it quickly...thought maybe it could have been something about the band...anyway, yes or no?'', the bassist asked impatiently.

Hellhammer shrugged, ''Sure. Tell him to meet me in town in about three hours'', he said and looked over at the guitarist who sent him an angry stare just as he came out of the kitchen.

''...traitor...'', Euronymous mumbled quietly and went upstairs.

Hellhammer shook his head in frustration and went after the other man.

''Are you really going to get pissed off now?'', the drummer asked annoyed as he entered the band room where Euronymous was tuning his guitar.

''Whatever'', Euronymous answered without looking up.

''Come on!'', Hellhammer sighed, walking over to his drums.

Dead looked at them and wondered what was going on, ''What's wrong?'', he asked carefully.

''Our drummer here is still hanging with the enemy...'', the guitarist answered, shooting Helhammer another angry look as he finished with his guitar.

''Don't be an ass Euronymous. I've known Necro for a long time, I can't just tell him to fuck off because he made a stupid mistake. He's still my friend, and he should be your friend too...'', Hellhammer said defensively before he was cut of by the guitarist.

'' I don't want to hear this bullshit!'', Euronymous said aggravated, ''Are we ready to play now or what?'', he asked irritated when Varg came in.

''Of course'', the younger man answered, carrying his bass with him.

One and half hour later Euronymous signalized for them to stop playing. They had gone through most of their material without Dead screaming just so Varg could get a feel of the songs and get into the rhythm. Dead had restlessly been watching them from across the room, waiting for his turn to join in.

''Should we call it a day? We can get vocal in tomorrow, right?'', Hellhammer asked.

Euronymous shut his eyes tight. He wanted so badly to say yes but when he looked over at the almost tripping frontman he knew that he couldn't do that to Dead. The Swedish man needed to feel like he also was a part of this so he shook his head and breathed in deeply.

''No, lets do a few more with vocal, just so Varg can experience the real shit'', he said, grinning at the bassist.

''Good, good. I didn't want to miss it!'', the younger man answered with a smirk, narrowing his eyes as he saw Dead grab the microphone.

_Scream for me..._

After going through three more songs with Dead's piercing vocal, Euronymous was in desperate need to lie down and rest his head.

''Fuck...I can't play anymore'', the guitarist said and leaned tiredly against the wall.

''What's up?'', Varg asked curiously, trying hard not to stare too long at the Swedish man who was placing his microphone back. He was so ready and thrilled to get his plan in action after hearing Dead's screams so live and close to him. He couldn't wait to have this dark creature under his mercy.

''Fucking piece of shit headache'', Euronymous murmured, closing his eyes.

Varg cursed silently and placed his bass down. He couldn't have Euronymous feeling ill. That wasn't part of the plan. He needed both of them in shape for what he had in mind.

_I can't risk a bad performance..._

''Then you should go rest of course and we'll continue tomorrow. No problem'', Varg said, adding extra concern into his voice.

''Okay. Good. Tomorrow then.'', Euronymous concluded and looked at Dead before walking out of the room.

''Later Dead'', Hellhammer said with a smile, giving him a pat on the back before exiting the room and running downstairs.

Dead stared after the drummer and jumped back when he suddenly felt the presence of the younger man right behind him.

''See you soon'', Varg said quietly, leaning too close against him before he too left the room.

Outside the house, Hellhammer fired up a cigarette and waited for the bassist to come out.

''Any thoughts so far?'', the drummer asked causally when he saw the younger man.

''So good so far. I'm not complaining.'', Varg said with a smile.

''Good. See you tomorrow'', Hellhammer nodded and opened his car.

''Yeah...yeah...fuck, I forgot my jacket, but see you tomorrow yes'', the bassist said and gave the drummer a wave before turning to go back inside the house again.

Hellhammer got inside his car and gave the younger man one last look before driving off to buy the fake blood and meet Necro in town.

Upstairs, still inside the band room, Dead was biting his lip as he stood frozen in the middle of the room. The whole day had seemed off to him in a way and he wasn't sure how to place all his emotions. His insecurities had gotten the better of him and just a few hours ago he wanted nothing more than to have the Norwegian man embrace him, but now he was almost scared of even talking to him in case Euronymous would snap at him. He knew it was mostly because of the headache that the guitarist was so irritated but he couldn't help feeling like it was partly his fault now because of the last session of the practice where he got to scream.

_I should have said no...I should have told him to go rest..._

_...like everyone else seemed to do but me...all I ever think about is myself..._

Dead slowly walked out of the room, feeling almost ashamed of himself. He saw that Euronymous door was opened and his heart pounded fast as he kept his eyes down and tried to walk quickly passed it without looking into the other mans room.

_He doesn't need me to disturb him..._

''Where the fuck do you think you're going?'', the guitarist suddenly asked from inside his bedroom just as Dead walked by.

Dead abruptly stopped and looked unsure at the Norwegian man, ''I just...'', he began quietly.

''Get your ass in here'', Euronymous smiled, making room for him on the bed.

Dead gave a shy smile back and walked carefully in to the room.

''Come here you'', the guitarist said softly and reached out a hand for the Swede to pull him down.

Dead found himself being gently cradled by Euronymous' arms and he sighed happily as his back pressed softly against the other mans warm chest.

''My little demon...'', the Norwegian man whispered warmly in his ear and the frontman closed his eyes at the tender tone.

Dead hesitated before carefully asking, ''How are you?''.

''Much fucking better now...'', Euronymous breathed out quietly as he buried his face against the vocalist's neck and inhaled his scent.

Dead smiled as he felt the other man cling to him and his heart swelled at the fact that in the end it was him that the guitarist wanted to cuddle up close to when he needed comfort.

''Good...so you're not mad at me or anything?'', the blonde man asked, still feeling a little insecure.

''Why?'', Euronymous murmured against him, sounding as if he was about to fall asleep.

Dead felt guilty for continuing to talk but he just had to assure himself that everything was okay, ''I just...I'm sorry for not stopping the practice earlier...Hellhammer was right, I could have waited until tomorrow...'', he tried not to sound so pitiful but he knew the other man could hear how tearful his voice had become.

'' Don't worry about it Dead. It was my decision and nothing you should feel bad about, really. Now, I need to get some rest, so...stay with me?'', Euronymous asked, hugging the blonde man tighter and locking their hands together against the frontmans chest.

Dead swallowed down his tears and smiled in relief, ''Of course I will''.

_Always..._

''...Thank you...'', the guitarist whispered breathlessly and closed his eyes, feeling calm as all the previous anger and frustration melted away when he now finally got to hold the Swedish man in his arms again.

A few hours later, Euronymous slowly woke up, feeling a hundred times better than before he went to bed.

''You awake?'', the guitarist softly asked the blonde man in his arms, kissing the vocalist's neck and throat.

Dead nodded sleepily, still with his eyes closed, as the Norwegian man kissed his way up to his mouth before capturing his lips in a deep, warm kiss.

''So tired...'', Dead moaned, turning his head away.

''Where do you think you're going?'', Euronymous smirked, tilting the frontmans head back before claiming his lips again.

''I need coffee for this...'', Dead mumbled against the other mans mouth, making the guitarist laugh loudly and break the kiss.

''Fine, I'll go make some..but after that you're mine'', Euronymous said teasingly and bit Dead's neck softly.

''Totally...'', Dead moaned and whimpered submissively at the action.

Euronymous jumped out of the bed and rushed downstairs without seeing the other person sitting in a chair in the living room.

''Sleep well?'', Varg asked, making the guitarist turn abruptly around and stare wide eyed at the younger man.

''What the...'', Euronymous breathed out, staring at the bassist in disbelief, ''Are you fucking kidding me?'', he asked angry after the shock had cooled down.

''Just do what I say and no one will get hurt'', Varg smirked.

''What the fuck are you talking about you fucking...'', Euronymous began and stopped talking as he saw the shotgut Varg had just put in his hand.

Euronymous swallowed hard, ''That's not yours'', he said quietly, looking at the weapon that he knew had been taken from inside Dead's bedroom.

''You son of a bitch...you've been here the whole time?'', he asked in a strained voice, slowly backing up towards the stairs again.

''Yes. And I must say. You two make an awfully cute couple'', the bassist said darkly, gently pointing the gun teasingly towards Euronymous.

''I don't know what you're talking about'', the guitarist breathed out nervously as his heart began panicking more and more.

''Why are you lying to me Euronymous?'', Varg asked patronizingly, stroking the weapon in his hands.

''I-I'm not...'', Euronymous whispered, feeling dizzy.

''No? Then how do you explain this?'', the younger man wondered, pointing the remote control to the tv and pushing the play button.

The sight that greeted him on the screen had Euronymous pale in devastation as he grasped behind him for something to hold on to. He fell back against the wall as the world shattered around him and he was left in an empty despair of horror when the two familiar figures on the tv locked themselves in a heated, passionate kiss in the backseat of a car.

''No...'', he whispered in disbelief, staring wide eyed at the screen where he and Dead were making out.

''No more lies Euronymous. Time to come clean.'', Varg said in a quiet, eerie voice.

The bassist once again lifted the gun and pointed it directly at his head, ''Call for him''.

Euronymous felt his heart almost beat out of his chest, ''...who?'', he asked in a shaking voice, unable to take his eyes away from the scenery on the television.

''Don't be stupid! You know exactly who I mean'', Varg said in a slight irritated tone.

Euronymous swallowed hard and forced his gaze away from the screen. He didn't want to make the other man angry, ''Okay, alright. I'll call him'', he said, trying to keep his voice calm and steady.

 _Forgive me Dead_...

''Dead?'', Euronymous yelled hesitantly, biting his lip at the end to stop from shaking.

 _You son of a bitch Varg... you motherfucking cunt._..

He stared angry at the younger man but didn't dare say anything. He didn't know Varg all that well. Had no idea if the other man could suddenly snap and start shooting around if he got mad enough.

_I never should have let him join the band...never should have let him into my home...I should have known better...I should have known..._

_I'm so sorry Dead!_

Euronymous closed his eyes in agony as he heard the light steps from the vocalist descend down the stairs before coming to a halt in the middle.

''...Euronymous?'', Dead's unsure, quivering voice reached his ears and he knew the frontman had seen Varg and his weapon.

The guitarist opened his eyes and took a deep, shaking breath before reaching out his hand to the blonde, ''Come here'', he said and forced a small smile.

Dead stared frightened at him before slowly taking his hand.

''It's okay'', Euronymous said quietly, pulling the Swedish man close to him.

Dead didn't say anything, just stared at Varg with glistening, fearful eyes.

''How sweet...'', Varg said in a mocking tone, ''Too sweet almost....Get over here. Now!''.

Dead took a step back and pressed himself against Euronymous as the bassist waved the gun at them. The guitarist placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder and he tried to keep his breath steady and not hyperventilate like he was close to. The frontman shut his eyes tight and whimpered quietly. He didn't understand why any of this was happening. When he opened his eyes again his gaze got caught up in the movement on the television and his breath caught instantly in his throat. He had been so busy watching the bassist that he hadn't noticed what was happening on the screen in front of him.

''...Euronymous...'', Dead whimpered and the guitarist knew that the other man had finally seen the video.

''...I know...'', Euronymous swallowed hard and desperately tried to steady his breathing.

''I'm waiting'', Varg said in a slow, impatient voice.

Euronymous wanted to grab Dead and run out the frontdoor as fast as he could.

_He'll shoot me if I try...he'll shoot us both..._

The thought made him feel cold with fear and he gripped the Swedish man harder, pulling him closer to him.

_I'm not afraid to die..._

_...but if anything happens to you Dead...._

_...I just can't..._

Euronymous knew that they had to obey. He knew that the only way of getting out of this fucked up situation would be to do what the younger man wanted. With a firm, but gentle push he made Dead walk anxiously over to the couch and sit down on it.

''Okay,we're here. Now, what the fuck do you want?'', the guitarist asked, keeping his voice hard while staring the bassist directly in the eyes.

Varg chuckled quietly and leaned forward while holding his gaze.

Euronymous sighed, ''I've already told you. I'll help you with your music! And you have a place in my band! So what the fuck is it, huh? Money?! Is that it? I can give you money! You can take everything we earn from the shows! I don't give a fuck!'', he almost yelled, raising his voice in frustration.

Varg's grin grew bigger at the guitarist's desperate anger, ''I don't want your fucking money Euronymous. I have enough money as it is...'', the bassist smiled.

''Then what?! What the FUCK is it that you want?'', Euronymous shouted out, making the vocalist next to him jump in his seat and shrink back on the couch.

''Don't be rude now. You're scaring Dead, can't you see that?'', Varg said with a smirk, stroking the shotgun slowly while making sure it kept pointing at the two men on the couch.

Euronymous' heart was beating faster and faster; not from fear this time, but from pure rage.

''Don't you fucking talk about him you...'', the guitarist began

''Shut the FUCK up Euronymous'', Varg growled harshly before calming down, ''Now, why don't you, instead of frightening Dead, comfort him and show him that it's nothing to be scared of. We're all friends here,right?''.

Euronymous was so angry he couldn't speak.

Varg smirked, pleased at seeing how furious the other man was, ''I've already seen how caring you can be, you know...''.

Euronymous felt his heart drop as he followed the younger mans gaze over to where the recording of him and Dead making out in the car were playing on repeat.

''Look at that...who would have thought that the leader of Mayhem, creator of true Norwegian black metal....was a god damn fucking fag'', Varg said coldly and buried his eyes at the guitarist.

Euronymous had to look away from the intense glare this time. The words stung and he felt a mix of anger, shame and guilt run throughout his whole body.

''..I-I'm not a...'', Euronymous began quietly but couldn't make himself say the words out loud. He looked over at Dead who was just staring stone cold at the ground.

''...What? You're not a what? A faggot?'', Varg smirked.

Euronymous swallowed hard and shook his head.

''What did I JUST say about telling lies, huh?'', the bassist said darkly, waving the guns at them again.

Euronymous lifted his hands in defeat, ''What the hell do you want me to say?!'', he asked desperately.

Varg snorted and quickly stopped the video so he could grab his camera, ''I want you...'', he said, pointing the camera towards the two men on the couch, ''...to admit that you're a fucking fag who likes to fuck his own vocalist in the ass''.

''You're a sick fuck Varg! Go to hell!'', Euronymous yelled, feeling angry again.

''Now, now, just say the words Euronymous....admit how much you enjoy showing your dick inside Dead's ass...'', Varg smiled, starting to record.

Euronymous saw the little red light on the camera and he began to breathe faster, ''No...forget it...it's not true!''.

Varg sighed and leaned forward, ''Say it''.

Euronymous shook his head, ''No...'', he whispered, trying not to look at the shotgun that was pointing at him.

''You really are stubborn aren't you...'', Varg mumbled before in a quick motion turning the weapon towards Dead and pushing it forcefully against the vocalist's chest.

Euronymous stopped breathing for a second, terrified that the younger man was actually going to shoot, ''Okay, okay! I'll say it! I'll say it! Just stop, okay?''', the guitarist yelled, looking fearfully over at the frontman who stared wide eyed at the gun.

_I'll do anything...just don't hurt him!_

Varg grinned mischievously before nodding in approval, ''Don't forget to introduce yourself'', he said, zooming in on the guitarist's face.

Euronymous swallowed hard and opened his mouth, ''...I'm Euronymous, leader of Mayhem, and...fuck...'', he began, stopping to take a deep breath. His heart was pounding furiously as he looked into the camera.

_I can't do this...I can't...._

''...I'm a...fucking fag...'', he choked out, grinding his teeth together at the words. He could hear the Swedish man breathe hard next to him, ''...and I like...'', he had to take a break again.

''Go on...'', Varg said quietly behind the camera.

Euronymous closed his eyes for a second before opening them again, his face reddening at the next words ''...I like to fuck my vocalist in the ass...''.

''Very good...'', Varg said slowly, licking his lips at the sight of the ruined guitarist, ''...and who is your vocalist? Tell me.''.

Euronymous stared at the younger man, ''...Dead...'', he finally whispered out, hearing the blonde next to him inhale a sharp breath.

''Sitting right here, yes?'', Varg said, suddenly turning the camera towards Dead.

The frontman flinched and kept his eyes cast downwards. He did not want to look at the bassist.

''You leave him out of this!'', Euronymous said angry, almost getting up from the couch.

''Getting angry again now are we? And here I thought we were all starting to bond together, with honesty and sharing of secrets...quite a friendship we got going now, don't you think?'', Varg said calmly.

Euronymous cursed silently and looked at Dead again. The Swede was slightly trembling and he wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms and shield him from the other mans terror.

''Are you ready to calm down so you can hear my offer?'', Varg said with a smile.

Euronymous raised his eyebrows, ''Your offer? What the fuck is that...'', he began but stopped when the bassist raised his hand to silence him.

''Just fucking listen, will you?'', the younger man said a little impatient.

The guitarist shifted restlessly in his seat but nodded reluctantly.

''Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you would want any of these videos to somehow make their way out into the rest of the world, right?'', Varg smirked.

Euronymous felt ice cold at the thought and all he could do was shake his head.

''I thought so....because that would for sure be the downfall of Mayhem...and you...'', the younger man said in a low, dark voice.

The guitarist was unable to speak. He was lost for words, having all sorts of terrifying scenarios playing through his mind as he imagined the videos of him and Dead being published for everyone to see.

_I can't let that happened..._

_...it will kill us...._

Euronymous pictured the whole metal world coming after them. Wanting to harm and destroy them for being together. He knew it would be the end of everything.

_I won't let it happened..._

_...I can't lose him to this..._

Euronymous sighed frustrated, ''Just tell me what you want...'', he said tiredly, hoping it would all be over soon. He was so exhausted already from spending half his day with a killer headache and then waking up to this.

''As you've both seen by now, I managed to capture you in a quite...intimate...situation the other day...'', Varg chuckled, ''...however, as enjoyable as it was to see you exchange spit and trying to eat each other up in the back of the car there...I still feel somewhat almost cheated out of a good show...'', the younger man grinned darkly.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes in confusion and looked over at Dead who had lifted his gaze to stare in disbelief at the bassist.

''No...'', the frontman whispered and Euronymous could almost feel the fear radiating from the Swedish man.

''I don't understand...'', the guitarist mumbled bewildered.

Varg laughed loudly and looked at Dead, ''He's not as stupid as he looks'', he said, pointing at the blonde man.

''You shut up!'', Euronymous growled before silencing himself again.

''You get it don't you? ...you know what I want.'', Varg said quietly to Dead.

The Swede took a shaking breath and nodded slowly, lowering his eyes again.

''Tell him'', Varg said in a firm voice.

Dead whimpered and shook his head.

''Tell. Him!'', the bassist growled and Dead flinched hard at the intimidating tone.

''He w-wants...he w-wants us t-to...'', Dead's voice was trembling so hard it hurt Euronymous to listen to him being forced to speak.

''It's okay...it's okay...you can tell me''', the guitarist said softly, turning to look at the shaking frontman.

Dead took another shaking breath, ''H-he wants us t-to...'', the Swedish man broke off, unable to continue, ''...I can't!...p-please I can't...Euronymous...'', he whimpered on the verge of tears.

Euronymous bit his lip anxiously as he stared at the scared vocalist. Slowly it dawned on him what Varg had meant with how he had been cheated out of a show from them.

_...He wants us to fuck...in front of him..._

Euronymous felt a cold shiver run down his spine as he slowly looked back at, and into the camera that were still focusing on them.

 _...and he will record it all_.

''No...no...no fucking way...just no! We're not doing it!'', the guitarist said, raising his voice in exasperation.

At that moment Dead whimpered loudly next to him, breathing faster and faster.

_He's going to have an anxiety attack!_

''Stop recording you cunt! Can't you see he's freaking out!'', Euronymous yelled at the bassist.

''Then I suggest you start comforting him'', Varg answered calmly.

''You motherfucking asshole!'', the guitarist shouted, clenching his fists hard together in anger.

Dead was panting uncomfortably by now and Euronymous felt his own pulse rise as he listened to the panicked breathing of the blonde man.

''There's no fucking way it's happening Varg! No. Fucking. Way!'', the guitarist said furiously.

''No? ...so you don't mind me showing my recordings for others to see then? ...Maybe I'll start with Hellhammer...imagine the disgust he would feel when he finds out what his strong leader is doing behind closed doors...then I'm sure Necro would love to watch what I have captured....you know he has such a big mouth...full of opinions...he wouldn't be too shy with helping me spread the tapes....after all, you're not exactly his favorite person any longer....'', Varg said harshly, leaning closer to the other man.

Euronymous buried his face against his hands and groaned quietly, ''No...'', he almost whimpered, shaking his head.

The bassist grinned at the defeated display, ''So you see Euronymous, you don't really have much of a choice because...now, how do I say this nicely...'', Varg smirked, ''...either you fuck him...or I will''.

Euronymous quickly raised his head and stared in shock at the younger man, ''You don't mean that...'', he whispered.

''Would I lie to you?'', Varg asked mockingly.

The guitarist groaned in frustration and helplessness right before the blonde man next to him began whimpering uncontrollably.

''Dead...Dead, listen to me. I will not let him touch you. I swear! I will not let that happen, you hear me?!'', Euronymous turned and grabbed the frontman's hands.

''But...he said...I can't Euronymous!'', Dead choked out, eyes glistening form tears that would fall in any second.

Euronymous closed his eyes and listened to the Swedish mans scared voice, ''I know, I know, but…we have to...I'm sorry'', he said quietly.

''No! ...no! I won't...I won't....don't, please don't!'', Dead pleaded as he looked into the guitarist's serious face.

''There's no other way...'', Euronymous said in almost a whisper, afraid his voice would break if he spoke too loudly.

''...I-I don't care about the videos...I don't...just please don't make me do this!'', Dead cried desperately, trying to pull his hands away from the guitarist's grip.

''It doesn't matter Dead! Either I take you...or he will...'', Euronymous said, trying to keep his voice from shaking in anger and fear, ''...and if he does it...then the videos will for sure come out...and...and I don't know what will happen to us then...''.

''What do you mean?'', Dead whimpered brokenly.

''All I know is that it won't be good for us. Not in any way. And I...I can't risk that...'', Euronymous said, looking Dead directly in the eyes.

_Don't make it any worse Dead. Just do it. For me. For us._

The vocalist became quiet and nodded reluctantly as he tried to hold back his tears. He didn't want to cry in front of Varg. Didn't want to appear weak and helpless. He wished he could be as strong and dark as he felt like when he was on stage.

''I need your word Varg. If we do this...If I fuck him...you have to promise me that none of this will ever be seen by anyone else, ever!'', Euronymous said, turning to look at the younger man.

Varg smiled and nodded, ''You have my word Euronymous.''.

Euronymous had to summon all the courage he had before speaking again, ''Okay, we'll do it''.

''I knew we would come to an agreement...'', Varg smirked, leaning back to watch them better, ''Now, I want you to do whatever the fuck you usually do to make this dark creature here scream for you''.

Euronymous tried as hard as he could to calm his breathing at the disgust he felt.

''So don't rush it...take your time... remember, I expect a good performance. And if I'm not pleased, then the deal is off'', Varg said, stroking the shotgun in his hand.

Euronymous closed his eyes and tried to block everything out.

_Just ignore him. Pretend he's not there. Just do what you usually would do._

He opened his eyes and turned around to face the vocalist, ''Okay...'', he whispered and gave Dead a small, nervous smile. He could see the vocalist's tearful eyes stare back at him and he tried to ignore the sad look on his face and instead grabbed the Swede's hands again and stroked his wrists.

Euronymous didn't know where to begin. Everything was so scary and awkward and he knew that if he turned his head he would stare right into the recording camera to the younger man. He took another deep breath and continued to caress Dead's hands and arms.

''It's okay...we can do this...'', Euronymous whispered.

Dead shook his head slowly, ''No...'', he whimpered, trying to hold back a sob that threatened to come out.

''Yes, we can. Just, keep looking at me, alright?'', the guitarist said gently, moving closer to the other man to take a hold of his shirt.

''No...Euronymous...don't'', Dead pleaded in a whisper when he felt his shirt was being lifted up.

''Shh...shh...relax, it's okay'', Euronymous said soothingly, pulling off the Swedish mans top.

Dead shivered and whimpered and lifted his arms to try to cover himself.

''Come here'', Euronymous smiled softly, grabbing his hands so he couldn't hide his body.

''No...'', Dead whined quietly when the guitarist stroked over his arms and down his chest.

''You're doing so good Dead...just one step at a time, okay?'', Euronymous said encouragingly, stripping off his own shirt in a quick motion.

Dead continued to shake his head and biting his lip to suppress his sobbing.

''So good...'', Euronymous said warmly and leaned in to kiss the Swedish man.

''Euronymous...'', Dead keened before his lips were captured and he was kissed slowly.

''That's it...just kiss me...'', the guitarist whispered against the frontmans lips as he moved their mouths together.

Euronymous deepened the kiss, pulling Dead in closer to him so he could embrace him and stroke his back. He could feel the vocalist try to reject his touch and it broke his heart knowing that this was only the beginning of what they had to do.

_Try to stay strong Dead...You have to..._

Euronymous kissed the blonde man with as much passion as he could, trying to imagine that it was only the two of them and that he had this delicious, slim body all to himself. He stroked Dead's long hair, gently holding it back so he could caress the Swedish mans face. Dead whimpered quietly in to the kiss and leaned towards his warm hand. Euronymous wished they could stay like this and make out longer. It was easier to pretend they were alone if he could just close his eyes and only feel the vocalist's soft lips against his own. But he knew he had to get things moving, so with a fast beating heart he gently pushed the frontman down on his back on the couch while still kissing him.

''Don't...I don't want to...'', Dead whimpered quietly, trying to avoid being lied down.

''Shh...I know...just for a little while, okay? Can you do that for me?'', Euronymous asked calmly, climbing over the frontman. He captured Dead's lips again and pressed him softly down into the couch.

Dead whimpered again but nodded before letting himself be held down and kissed deeply. When he felt the guitarist's hands on the top of his pants, he broke the kiss and tried to weakly push Euronymous away from him.

''No...'', Dead wailed helplessly and writhed when the other man carefully removed his hands and placed them on each side of his head, softly restricting him.

''I have to Dead. You know I have to'', the guitarist said regretfully, stroking the Swedish mans wrists, ''You trust me right?'', he asked, letting go of his hands.

Dead nodded reluctantly as the first tear threatened to fall.

''Then you know I would never hurt you. I promise.'', Euronymous said in a strained voice, looking into the blonde mans tear filled eyes.

Dead nodded again, unable to speak. Everything was complete chaos inside his head. He couldn't relax, no matter how hard he tried. The feeling of helplessness and vulnerability clouded his mind and he felt trapped underneath the man above him. He tried telling himself that Euronymous would never harm him, that he trusted the guitarist with all his heart. However, the lingering presence of the other man in the room made it hard for him to feel nothing but shame and fear.

''Ready for the next step?'', the guitarist asked, placing his hands over Dead's belt.

''I don't...'', Dead began but was cut off by Euronymous lips on his own again. He whimpered quietly as the Norwegian man slowly opened his pants to pull them down.

Euronymous kept kissing Dead as he stripped him off the rest of his clothing. When he looked at the frontman he could see a faint blush on the blonde mans face and he knew the Swede felt humiliated at being completely naked. A part of him wanted to look over at the bassist and see his reaction but he refused to acknowledge the other man in the room and instead concentrated on making the situation as comfortable as possible for them both. He knew Dead was struggling with intimacy and it angered him that what they were being forced into now could make the shy Swede retreat back into his empty shell again where the was no room for soft touches and sweet kisses....only death and darkness.

_I can't let that happen!_

''That's it now, just lie back and relax'', Euronymous said calmly and parted Dead's legs so he could get access to the frontmans ass. He massaged the vocalist's thighs gently, almost dreading having to start preparing the scared man. He knew Dead would arch away from his touch no matter how much he tried to tell him not to.

Suddenly something was tossed on to the table and Euronymous hurriedly looked over at Varg who was smirking in his chair. The guitarist's inside boiled in rage and he quickly looked away and spotted the small vaseline box the other man had thrown to him.

''Make sure you open him up good. I don't want any blood...it's too messy ...'', Varg said and grimaced at the thought.

Euronymous grabbed the small box in an angry movement and felt his hand shake as he opened up the lid. He looked up at the blonde mans face and saw how Dead trembled and had his eyes glued to the ceiling. When he spread the frontmans legs further he was met with no protest and that almost frightened him more than having Dead panic at his touch.

_Maybe it's for the better this way...to have him disappear into his own world now..._

With his eyes still locked on the vocalist, Euronymous dipped his fingers inside the small box and coated them in a thick layer of vaseline. He bit his lip and hesitated before carefully stroking them over Dead's entrance. The only reaction he got was a slight arch and tremble before the frontman inhaled a sharp breath and shut his eyes tight. As much as it pained him to see Dead so uncomfortable he had to continue and try to make quick work out of it.

''Keep relaxing...there you go...'', Euronymous mumbled and pushed his two fingers all the way inside the other man. He could heard Dead gasp loudly as he buried his fingers deep inside his asshole.

''You're being awfully quiet I think...show me how you make him moan'', Varg commented from his chair, zooming in with the camera on Euronymous' fingers inside the Swedish mans ass.

Euronymous growled, wishing the younger man would shut the fuck up.

''I know you can do it...just like you did in the kitchen...let me see that pleasure now...'', the bassist continued and the guitarist closed his eyes in shame as he understood exactly what moment the other man talked about.

_He was there too....motherfucker..._

''Remember, don't disappoint me'', Varg grinned, filming Euronymous look of anger and humiliation.

Euronymous knew that to make Dead moan now he had to use more force. He couldn't be too soft or else the vocalist would be able to block out his gentle touches.

_I'm sorry Dead...but I have to._

The guitarist gripped the frontmans hip and leaned over him before thrusting his fingers hard inside the wet entrance.

Dead opened his eyes and arched up against him before moaning brokenly.

''Stop...'', the Swedish man whispered and began panting as the fingers inside him roughly moved in and out of his hole.

''No...Euronymous...please don't...'', Dead begged and covered his face with his arms when another moan was forced out of him.

The guitarist towered over his body and he gasped and tensed when the other mans fingers started to massage his prostate hard. With tear filled eyes he looked up and into Euronymous face who smiled gently down at him. It almost felt like they were alone when he met the Norwegian mans warm eyes, but then he heard the low chuckling coming from the bassist and he instantly felt sick. His heart began to beat faster and faster and he kept struggling more and more from holding his tears back. He desperately wanted to cry from the humiliation of being forced into pleasure when all he wanted was to cover up his body and hide away as far as possible.

''I don't want this'', Dead whispered, swallowing nervously and arching away from the fingers inside him, ''Please Euronymous...I don't want this'', he begged even though he knew there was nothing to be done.

''I know...Shh now, you're doing so good'', Euronymous said, trying to sound comforting as he fingered the vocalist against his will.

Dead moaned in pleasure and whimpered as his entrance was opened up and widened. He could feel how the two fingers circulated his asshole before being pushed inside again with more vaseline this time. He sobbed into his arms when the guitarist spread his legs more and pushed his fingers deep into him before moving them quickly up and down.

Dead muffled his scream at the intense pleasure that shot through him and he flushed when he felt his cock begin to grow at the stimulation. His head was suddenly turned and he moaned when Euronymous lips found his own. The Norwegian man kissed him hard and fingered him roughly and Dead panted breathlessly as the pleasure built inside him.

_Please don't make me cum...please...please..._

The vocalist whimpered in shame at the thought of having an orgasm and he prayed that his body would stop reacting so much to the guitarist's touches.

_He knows me too well...knows all my spots..._

Dead cried out when Euronymous massaged his insides and kissed down his throat before biting his neck softly. He could feel the Norwegian mans hand slowly caress his hip and move towards his erection.

_Please don't, please don't!_

''Euronymous...'', Dead pleaded, writhing underneath the other man.

Just as Euronymous stroked over the frontmans stomach and abdomen, making the blonde man arch high up against him, he heard the bassist speak behind him.

''Time to move on'', Varg said and the guitarist could hear the dark lust in the other mans voice.

_Filthy piece of shit!_

Euronymous slowly pulled out his two fingers and looked at the vocalist's entrance. It was opened and ready to get penetrated and it shamed him to know that despise the situation he had managed to become aroused and was ready to fuck.

''Just keep looking at me, okay? Look into my eyes and it will all be over soon'', Euronymous said to the blonde underneath him, stroking his legs as he opened up his pants so he could release his own growing erection. He leaned down to gently kiss the vocalist as he stroked himself to get fully erect. He couldn't help moan into the other mans mouth. The Swede's lips was so soft and he loved kissing them. It didn't take long for him to get hard and when he felt himself ready he carefully placed his cock against Dead's entrance, ready to push inside.

''I don't think so'', Varg suddenly said and Euronymous looked bewildered at him.

''...what?'', the guitarist asked confused.

Varg leaned forward, ''Turn him around'', he said with a smirk.

Euronymous heart stopped beating for a moment and he looked down at the Swedish man who had paled at the words.

''No'', the guitarist shook his head, refusing to obey the bassist command.

''No? See, I don't think you can say that now'', the younger man said, making sure the shotgun still pointed directly at his two band members.

''Turn him around. Now!'', the bassist growled angry.

Euronymous didn't dare argue and he put his hands on Dead's hips, ready to help him turn over, ''Come on Dead...you can do it'', he said gently but was met with complete resistance.

''Don't let him do this. Please don't!'', Dead begged and felt how the guitarist tried to move his body around. He was so scared of being turned over, so scared of not being able to see Euronymous as he was taken.

''I'm sorry...'', Euronymous said desperately and grabbed him harder so he could flip him over on to his stomach.

''No!'', Dead cried and desperately tried to get away.

Euronymous put his hands firmly on the frontmans back to hold him down before softly stroking the skin there, trying to sooth him.

''Don't touch me!...Euronymous...no!'', Dead sobbed, clawing at the couch, knowing he was fighting a losing battle against the two others in the room.

''Dead, you have to calm down and stay still'', Euronymous said slightly frustrated at the hopeless situation.

Dead shook his head and whimpered frightened before starting to struggle again.

''Dead! Stay still!'', Euronymous almost yelled, he was so tired and scared and just wanted it all to be over with.

Dead froze at the angry tone from the Norwegian man. His heart pounded inside his chest and he almost didn't dare to move.

''Just...calm down, okay?'', Euronymous sighed tiredly and stroked the vocalist back.

Almost close to crying, Dead could only nod as he humiliated and defeated stopped struggling and let the guitarist caress his whole body. He bit his arm and suppressed a sob when he felt strong hands on his hips, gently raising his lower body so his ass was lifted high up.

''No, no, no...please stop...'', he whimpered at the humiliating position. He had no chance of seeing what was happening behind him and it terrified him.

Euronymous stroked his hips comforting, ''Are you ready?'', the guitarist asked softly and placed his hands on the vocalist's ass to spread him open. Dead wanted to die of shame when the Norwegian man lifted his ass up a little higher, making his lower body push further down unto the couch.

''No'', the frontman gasped when Euronymous placed his cock against his entrance.

''Wait!'', Varg's voice interrupted them once again and Euronymous wanted to scream at the younger man.

''What?!'', he growled through gritted teeth.

''Make him beg for it'', the bassist smiled, nodding at the vocalist, ''Say it Dead. Say you want to get fucked''.

''Fuck you!'', Euronymous yelled, unable to hold back is anger. He could feel how Dead trembled underneath his hands. There was no way the shy and insecure Swede was going to be able to ask for something like that. Especially not now.

''Now, now, don't be rude.'', Varg chuckled and leaned back in his chair again.

Euronymous groaned quietly and looked down at the spread ass cheeks that surrounded his still erect cock.

_Fuck!_

''Dead...I know this is hard for you...but the quicker you do it, the quicker this will all be over with...you know that.'', Euronymous said, trying to keep his voice calm and comforting.

Dead shook his head, feeling so ashamed and exposed. He knew that the guitarist was right, but the words felt so shameful in his mouth and he couldn't make himself say it out loud. He shut his eyes tight and buried his face against his arms.

''Dead...come on now.'', Euronymous almost pleaded, stroking his back gently and leaning over him to caress his hair.

''I can't...'', Dead whimpered into his arms.

Euronymous sighed, ''Yes. You can. I know you can do this'', he said, leaning down to kiss the frontmans back warmly.

''I don't want to...'', Dead tried to beg and began to tremble hard as he the guitarist kissed all the way down his back. The touches were so soft, so caring and he wanted to cry from how gentle Euronymous was still treating him even though the situation was so stressful for them both.

''Do it for me Dead...only me...I know you can...you are so good...so fucking good...'', the Norwegian man said encouragingly.

Dead mewled in agony at what he had to do. He hated this. Hated how it all came down to him.

''Dead...'', Euronymous said, voice cracking a little at the end

The vocalist breathed hard and pushed away his shame before opening his mouth, ''P-please'', he stuttered out in a whisper, pausing to take a deep breath. He was so embarrassed he could barley lift his head to speak louder.

''Please...'', Dead said again, struggling so much to beg for something he didn't want.

''Go on...that's it'', Euronymous spoke softly next to his ear, stroking his hair and showing him that he was there with him.

Dead could feel the tears blur his vision, ''P-please...f-fuck me'', he choked out in a whimper. He wished he didn't sound so weak but he was so tired of everything now and just wanted it all to be over with.

''So proud of you'', Euronymous whispered quietly in his ear before straightening himself up.

''I didn't quite catch that...Again! Now!'', Varg demanded.

Euronymous closed his eyes in anger, ''Cunt'', he whispered.

Dead shook his head, devastated that he had to beg for it again, ''I can't!'', he pleaded.

''One more time Dead...you can do it one more time for me'', Euronymous said softly, trying to cover up his anger.

''Euronymous!'', the frontman sobbed, unable to hold back his tears any longer.

''Shh, shh now. Just one more time'', the guitarist said, gently stroking his hands all the way down the Swedish mans back and over his lower body.

The guitarist spread Dead's ass and looked at the wet entrance his cock was still pushing softly against. He knew it was wrong to think it, knew he should chase the thoughts away as soon as they entered his mind, but a part of him couldn't wait to finally be able to fuck the vocalist like this. He had fantasized about this ever since he first started lusting after the Swedish man and he could feel his breath grow deeper in excitement as he carefully rubbed his erection against the open hole in front of him.

''Stop please'', Dead whispered quietly against the couch when Euronymous' cock barley began to push into him. He was so scared that his body tensed up, trying hard to force out anything that tried to penetrate him.

'' Say it to me one more time Dead. Just one more time.'', the Norwegian man said breathlessly.

Dead sobbed hard, so terrified of what was happening around him, ''Please..'', he began, choking on his tears.

''A little louder now...you can do it...you're so good for me'', Euronymous said.

Dead lifted his head and swallowed down a sob, ''Please...please f-fuck me!'', he begged shamefully, feeling his whole body flush in humiliation.

''That's it...good boy'', Euronymous said quietly, softly massaging his lower back.

''One last thing...'', Varg popped in, making Euronymous freeze in his action, ''...don't forget, I want to hear him scream.''.

Euronymous felt sick at the disgusting display of lust the bassist showed in his wish to hear the Swede scream for him. He breathed in deeply and grabbed the frontman's hips hard.

''I'm so fucking sorry....'', the guitarist mumbled brokenly in barley a whisper.

_Don't hate me for this._

A heartwrenching scream tore loudly from Dead's throat as he was harshly pulled back and penetrated deep. He scrambled to grab unto the couch to keep his balance as best as he could while his ass clenched hard around the other mans cock, trying to keep it out. It was too fast, too soon and he sobbed in pain as his body tightened up, refusing to accept the penetration.

''It hurts...please Euronymous...it hurts!'', Dead pleaded, closing his eyes and crying loudly as his upper body was pushed further down into the couch.

''Just...relax..'', Euronymous panted, shamefully throwing his head back in lust before shifting a bit so he could penetrate the blonde man deeper, trying to hit Dead's prostate. He felt so bad for doing this to the other man. He had never wanted it to happen like this. Had never intended to make Dead feel any pain during sex.

_Didn't you promise not to hurt him?_

Euronymous growled at his inner thoughts, ''Dead..'', he groaned and looked down at the helpless blonde man. The sight filled him with unwanted lust and he closed his eyes harshly.

''Relax for me..you're doing so good now.'', the guitarist said a bit strained and opened his eyes again to look at how the frontman's asshole was clenching so tight around his cock. The new position on all fours gave him a better view of his cock disappearing in and out of the wet entrance and he groaned quietly as the hole widened around him everytime he moved inside the vocalist's body.

Dead moaned miserably at the deep penetration he received. He felt so broken and alone. He tried to do what the guitarist said, tried to relax, but he was so fucking scared that it felt like a losing battle to try and make his body calm down after being fucked against his will by the man who had promised never to hurt him. Euronymous pulled out and thrust hard back into him and he could feel how his sensitive inner walls were constantly rubbed against by the Norwegian mans cock. Slowly, the pain started to fade away and he was left with only a sore sensation that ached a little everytime the cock moved over his entrance.

Euronymous knew he was being rougher than normal but he prayed that the vocalist would understand why he had to do this. He hoped that the frontman knew that he didn't do it because he wanted to hurt him, but because he knew that what small pain he may cause the Swede now was nothing compared to how much pain Varg would be able to inflict on him if the bassist wasn't happy with their performance.

Dead grabbed desperately unto the couch and begged silently for it all to be over with soon. He closed his eyes and let the tears fall freely when the guitarist drove faster and harder into him. Euronymous placed one of his hand carefully on his back, holding him down and Dead whimpered at the feeling of being trapped. The Norwegian man kept up a fast pace and the Swede moaned suddenly and unwillingly in pleasure as his prostate was hit over and over again. The tears streamed down his face and he moaned in misery as he was pounded harder.

''Fuck...Dead...so tight like this'', Euronymous groaned quietly over him and Dead whimpered at the shameful words. He didn't want to hear how much the other man enjoyed fucking him in this position. Didn't want the guitarist to feel any pleasure in taking him like this.

''Having fun Dead?'', Varg's patronizing voice reached his ears and he blushed in humiliation as he was reminded that they were being watched.

''I never could have imagined that you of all people...'', the bassist said, trailing off to let the degrading meaning behind the words hang in the air.

Dead cried at the humiliation he had to go through and sobbed as Euronymous aimed his thrust at his prostate, making his cock grow unwillingly erect once again. He wished his body wouldn't react to the other mans touches. Wished he wasn't so weak and sensitive so he could take more control over his own pleasure.

''Euronymous, don't forget to make sure Dead gets to finish too. If he don't cum...then you don't cum...'', Varg smirked.

Euronymous cursed quietly. He had to make the vocalist reach climax so they could get this over with. He bit his lip and rotated his hips slowly, pressing his cock hard against the frontmans sweet spot. Dead moaned underneath him and Euronymous smiled breathlessly when he moved his hand to grab the Swede's cock and found that it was hard already.

''Don't touch me...please don't'', Dead whispered.

Euronymous leaned down and stroked the blonde mans flushed body, ''I have to...you heard him Dead'', he said quietly into the vocalist's ear and began jerking him off fast. Dead moaned and twisted underneath him.

''You really enjoy this don't you, you god damn whore...'', Varg mumbled in a thick voice full of lust.

''Ignore him Dead...focus on me...'', Euronymous said in a low tone, still leaning over the Swedish man. Their faces were almost touching and the closeness made the vocalist swallow hard as new, fresh tears escaped his tired eyes. The degrading words burned him in shame and he tried to move his head closer to the Norwegian man so he could get more comfort.

''Tell us how much you like it Dead'', Varg said in a more demanding tone.

Euronymous raged at how the bassist was trying to humiliate the Swede even further.

''Don't answer him'', the guitarist whispered, kissing his neck.

Dead bit his lip hard and whimpered scared. He shuddered when Euronymous thrust fast into him, slamming his cock inside his wet hole. The other man held him in a tight grip, thrusting harder and harder into him. Dead cried out and moaned loudly when Euronymous massaged his cock firmly. The guitarist's hand was gliding up and down his now leaking shaft and Dead sobbed hard at the good feeling.

''Look at this...fucking whore...you just love being humiliated don't you?'', Varg said cruelly.

''Enough!'', Euronymous yelled furiously.

''Careful now Euronymous. Don't tempt me into making me do something you would regret...'', Varg said in a quiet, dark tone.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes but tried to calm down his breathing so he could focus on Dead again. He stroked over the head of the vocalist's cock, making the blonde man arch and moan.

''Whatever he says. Don't listen to it. Concentrate on me. Feel me moving inside you. Feel my hands touching your body, stroking your cock...giving you pleasure...'', Euronymous whispered into the Swede's ear while jerking him off fast.

Dead sobbed loudly in pleasure and blushed hard at the Norwegian mans words. He had so many mixed emotions running through his body. A part of him was angry at Euronymous for doing this to him, but another part of him yearned for the comfort the other man still provided. He was shamefully horny and his cock was dripping precum down on the couch underneath him. Dead's body trembled when he was pumped faster and he clutched the couch and moaned in lust as his lower body grew warm at the beginning of his orgasm.

Euronymous grabbed his hips hard and slammed his cock into him. Dead moaned and unwillingly pushed his ass back against the hard thrusts. He was close to climaxing and his body needed to feel the other mans cock press against his prostate. His heart beat faster and faster and he clenched his hands when his legs began to shake as the orgasm pooled in his stomach.

''Are you ready to cum Dead?'', Euronymous softly asked him, stroking the head of his wet cock.

''No...'', Dead sobbed, and trembled in unwanted pleasure. His mouth opened and he started to breathe faster and faster.

''Cum for me Dead, cum for me like you've done before!'', the guitarist groaned into his ear and licked his throat.

Dead moaned loudly before climaxing hard into the Norwegian mans hand. He cried and whimpered over and over again at the intense orgasm while his body arched back against the guitarist. He panted breathlessly when Euronymous pounded fast into him before seconds later groaning quietly, clutching his hips and releasing deep inside him.

They both breathed hard after finishing and Euronymous carefully pulled out of the blonde man and cringed as he heard the vocalist sob in pain. He desperately wanted to gather the Swede' into his arms and tell him how sorry he was for hurting him.

''What a show'', Varg smirked from his chair and Euronymous felt his heart pound as the younger man got up and moved closer, sitting himself on the edge of the table in front of them.

The guitarist had no idea what was going to happen to them now. He just prayed the bassist was happy with what they had done so they could be left alone. He looked at the frontman who was crying silently and still trembling in the same position. Euronymous gently placed one hand on top of Dead's back, wanting to softly push him down so he didn't have to hold himself up so shamefully.

''I don't think so'', Varg said, leaning forward, almost touching them.

Euronymous felt a new wave of anger wash over him and he was almost ready to fight if the other man tried to touch Dead.

''Spread him'', Varg commanded, holding his camera close to the Swedish mans ass.

''Do it now, Euronymous. There's no point in arguing and you know that'', the bassist sighed impatiently when the guitarist made no move to obey his order.

Euronymous grit his teeth hard but placed his hands on each side of the vocalist's ass.

''No, no, no..no more..please..'', Dead begged and arched away from the hands that were holding him open.

Euronymous grabbed the Swede harder, and pulled his ass apart, exposing the glistening entrance.

Dead sobbed in humiliation and buried his face in his arms.

''More'', Varg said quietly, zooming in on the wet asshole.

Euronymous breathed in deeply, and parted Dead's ass further, making the fresh cum inside him begin to drip out.

''That's it...'', Varg mumbled, staring intensely at the white, creamy liquid that ran down the blonde mans crack.

''P-please s-stop...p-please'', Dead begged and Euronymous wanted to scream in misery at the heartbreaking plead that came from the frontman.

The guitarist looked at the red and swollen entrance of the vocalist and he bit his lip in guilt as he saw how sore and used it looked. The skin was raw around the edges and he could see how the opening quivered hard when the cum dripped out, stinging the sensitive flesh.

''Push your fingers in'', Varg muttered, eyes still locked at the scene in front of him.

Euronymous growled but tried as gently as possible to insert his two fingers inside the gaping asshole.

''Finger him...push out your cum...'', Varg said quietly and the guitarist wanted to throw up at the lustful stare in the other mans eyes.

Euronymous softly moved his fingers deep inside the frontman and carefully bent them before pulling them out, taking with him a large amount of his own cum. He immediately looked away at the sight and felt sick as the bassist told him to smear the cum over Dead's entrance.

''No more...p-please no more!'', the Swedish man moaned in agony as his hole was rubbed over and covered in cum, making the raw skin there glisten more and burn in pain.

''Stop it Varg!...I can't...'', Euronymous pleaded exhausted when the younger man wanted him to do it one more time. He couldn't bare hurting Dead even more. The Swede was trembling hard in pain and humiliation and he felt close to collapsing himself from the stressful situation.

''Fine. No more.'', Varg sad with a sadistic glint in his eye as he looked at the frontman's throbbing asshole.

Euronymous quickly let go of Dead's body and felt his heart drop as the vocalist curled up on himself, far away from him on the couch as soon as he was free.

Varg chuckled and turned off his camera, ''Not bad boys'', he said and eyed his two band members with a sly smile. Euronymous narrowed his eyes and breathed hard.

''What now?'', the guitarist asked, tensing as the bassist got up from his seat.

''Now?'', Varg repeated casually, grabbing his jacket and putting it on, ''Now, you rest up. And I'll see you again tomorrow'', the bassist smirked and winked at Dead who was watching him with red, tearful eyes.

Euronymous clenched his fists, ''There's no fucking way you're coming back into my house again'', he said in a hoarse voice.

Varg snorted and shook his head, ''Have you forgotten why you hired me in the first place?'', the younger man laughed and opened the front door, ''You need me Euronymous. And you know it.'' he said before stepping outside and closing the door behind him.

The second the door slammed shut, Euronymous groaned loudly and fell back on the couch.

''Fuck!!'', he yelled and grabbed his head, ''This can't be happening, this can't be fucking happening!'', he growled and punched the couch hard.

A broken sob made him stop his next punch and he looked at the mortified frontman who was crying his eyes out in the corner.

''Dead'', he mumbled softly and reached out a hand to stroke the vocalist.

''No!''. Dead cried quietly and shrank away from the touch.

Euronymous stomach tightened at the frightened man and he wished he could embrace him, ''Dead...'', he tried again and moved a little closer to the Swede.

''Please don't touch me'', Dead whimpered heartbroken and hid his face in his hands as the strong sobs wrecked through his whole body.

Euronymous swallowed down his sorrow and tried to be understanding.

''Okay...I won't touch you...just...come to bed with me'', the guitarist said, biting his lip as his voice began to break. He didn't know what else to say. Didn't know what else to do. He just wanted to hold the blonde man in his arms.

Dead shook his head, ''No''.

Euronymous sighed in sad frustration before standing up on shaking legs. He grabbed his clothes and hesitated before taking the blanket the vocalist had slept with earlier, and carefully placing it over the naked frontman. Dead kept his eyes down and wouldn't even look at him. The guitarist looked sadly over at the Swedish man before turning to slowly go up the stairs.

''If...if you change your mind...'', Euronymous let the words hang in the air. He couldn't speak more. He saw the vocalist nod weakly and he prayed that the other man would come to him later.

_How can I sleep without you next to me..._

Inside his room, Euronymous lit up a cigarette and sat down on his bed. His heart was beating fast inside his chest and he kept looking out at the hallway, hoping to see Dead come up the stairs to him. His heart sank when the time passed and there was no sign of the other man. When he strained his ears he could still here the sobs coming up from the living room and he opened his mouth in a silent scream at the frustration of not being able to help the vocalist.

_I'm so sorry Dead!_

_So fucking sorry!_

Hours later, when Euronymous had fallen into a restless sleep, he found himself waking up at the feeling of being watched. He blinked and tried to focus his eyes in darkness. When his eyes had adjusted more, he could see a dark figure standing in the doorway.

''Dead?'', the guitarist asked hesitantly.

At first the other person didn't move, but then, with small, shy steps, the figure came closer, stopping to stand next to his bed.

Euronymous' heart pounded when the Swedish man stood in front of him. He had not put his clothes on but instead wrapped himself in the blanket the guitarist had given him. Euronymous wanted to say something, but knew that now was not the right time. He moved over on his bed to make room for the other man and anxiously waited to see if the vocalist would take his offer. It was the longest seconds of the Norwegian mans life before he finally could breathe out when the frontman carefully lied down next to him.

''Come here'', Euronymous sighed softly and placed his arms around the blonde man to pull him close to him. He could feel Dead tense up the minute he was embraced but then slowly relax as Euronymous hugged him closer to his warm body.

''Shh..shh now'', the guitarist said soothingly, stroking the Swede's hair and kissing his head as the frontman let out a small sob.

Euronymous closed his eyes and buried his face into the other mans hair, feeling a shiver run up his spine as he wished tomorrow would never come.

 


	13. Chapter 13

_''P-please...f-fuck me''_

Euronymous breathed out a deep sigh as he sat on is bed, absentmindedly staring into the room as the vocalist's broken pleads echoed inside his head.

''Varg you cunt...'', he whispered harshly, cursing the man who had taken so much from him and left him in an angry despair.

Yesterday's event flashed through his mind and his rage grew inside him at the unfairness of it all.

''Fuck you, you piece of shit. FUCK YOU!'', the guitarist growled loudly, clenching his fists and breathing hard.

_''It hurts...please Euronymous...it hurts!''_

Dead's shattered voice rang in his ears and he grabbed his head and shut his eyes tight, wanting to block out the horrible scenery that occupied his brain.

''It wasn't suppose to be like that...'', he whispered, thinking about how he had been forced to take the frontman against his will in the position he was most frightened of. He had pictured so many times in his head how he would do it if he were ever allowed to fuck Dead like that. It would be so soft, so tender...

_I would never hurt you, I swear!_

And now, he just prayed that the vocalist didn't carry any hate towards him after being humiliated and made to beg in such a degrading way for his cock inside him.

_He took that from me too..._

Euronymous grind his teeth together and stared at the floor. He had spent so much time comforting and soothing the shy, Swedish man into trusting him and teaching him how to to be comfortable and open about his needs and wants. Slowly he had gained small breakthroughs and he was so proud of Dead those few times the blonde man had dared to ask for something he wanted. He knew that the final step would be to have the vocalist feel confident enough to ask to be taken. That was something Euronymous were longing to hear but were willing to wait for as long as it took for the frontman to feel strong enough to do it.

''FUCK!'', the guitarist screamed silently, resenting the day he let Varg join his band.

During the night, while holding the crying Swede in his arms, his emotions had gone from sorrow to anger. Now, sitting alone on his bed, he felt nothing but hatred towards the man who had so violently invaded their home. He had never felt so much hate towards another human being before and he wanted nothing more than to fight he bassist the minute he sat his foot inside his house again. He knew however that he had to tread carefully. He couldn't risk anything else happening to them.

''What the fuck am I suppose to do!!'', Euronymous shouted into his hands before slamming his fists hard down on the bed.

He slowly stood up and looked around the room, wondering what to do next. He should probably take a shower to try and cleanse both his mind and body, but he felt anxious and restless and needed to find the vocalist to check his state of mind.

''Dead?'', he called out for the Swedish man as he hurriedly went down the stairs after putting on some new clothes.

''There you are...'', Euronymous said quietly as he spotted the frontman on the couch with a cup of hot, steaming tea.

The guitarist approached the other man and sat down next to him before lying a hand gently on his leg. Dead immediately inhaled a sharp breath and moved away from him.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes, ''What's wrong?'', he asked.

Dead shrugged and avoided meeting his eyes.

The Norwegian man looked thoughtfully at the blonde and felt disappointed at not being allowed to touch him. He had hoped that after Dead had finally come to him last night that it meant that the vocalist wouldn't reject his touch.

_I should have known it wouldn't be that simple..._

Euronymous sighed quietly. He was angry and tired and needed Dead to be with him by his side and not shut him out like he did now. He knew that last night had put a strain on their relationship but he was not ready to just lie down in defeat. The guitarist leaned back on the couch and looked at the Swede from the corner of his eye. The vocalist was sitting as far away from him as possible, drinking his tea with a slight tremble.

''Dead...'', Euronymous began, waiting until he knew the other man was listening, ''...when they come over...when Varg comes over...I need you to act normal...okay?''.

The guitarist turned his head and saw that the frontman had paled next to him. He didn't mean to sound so harsh, but it was so essential for them both to pretend that nothing had happened and to show Varg that they weren't going to break that easily.

''You understand that right?'', Euronymous questioned.

His heart pounded as the Swede gave him another shrug before turning his back to him. The guitarist closed his eyes, feeling hurt at the so obvious display of rejection. He kept looking at the vocalist's back, seeing how his body began to slightly tremble.

_He's crying again....because of me?_

_Why can't he just understand!_

Feeling sad and frustrated, Euronymous put his head in his hands and breathed in deeply. As he sat there, he sensed a movement next to him and he looked up just in time to see the blonde man get up from his seat.

''Dead...'', Euronymous said quietly, looking sadly up at the vocalist. He tried to catch the other mans eyes but the frontman kept looking down.

''Dead, come on now!'', the guitarist said in a louder voice, reaching out his hand to try and grasp the Swede's arm.

''Stop...'', Dead whispered, shrinking away from the attempted touch.

Euronymous sighed, trying not to get angry, ''Just...just tell me that you understand, okay?'', he said in the end, feeling defeated.

''Yeah...whatever...'', Dead mumbled.

The guitarist was about to say something in his angry frustration, but just as he looked up at the blonde man again, he saw how the vocalist flinched and whimpered as he took a step away.

_Is he still hurting?_

Euronymous gave the Swede a worrying look when Dead took another step, clearly suppressing a sob.

''For fuck sake...'', the guitarist muttered, reaching out his hand again and this time grabbing the vocalist's arm in a firm grip.

Dead made a sound of protest and tried to pull his arm away.

''Look at me Dead!'', Euronymous demanded, making the frontman freeze in his place, ''I know you're sad....and hurt...and scared...'', he sad in a more gentle voice, loosening his tight grip and instead beginning to stroke the blonde mans arm.

''I just really need you to...'', Euronymous began, swallowing hard as he suddenly felt lost for words, ''...fuck...I just...'', he tried again.

_You have to stay strong!_

The guitarist bit his lip hard, clutching the vocalist's arm, ''I just can't do...'', he started one more time and stopped talking as he felt the Swedish man shake before letting out a loud, broken sob. Dead's eyes were glistening and when Euronymous saw one tear slowly make its way down his cheek, he didn't care any longer if the other man wanted his touch or not.

''Shh...come here, it's okay'', the guitarist said softly, carefully pulling the Swede back down on the couch.

Dead was shaking his head, whimpering miserable as Euronymous cradled him in his arms.

''My sweet little demon'', Euronymous said warmly, holding the vocalist against his chest and kissing his head.

''Euronymous...'', Dead choked out in a sob before breaking down in tears.

''I know...I know....'', Euronymous mumbled soothingly, stroking the frontmans back and letting him bury his face against his neck to cry.

Dead cried hard in the guitarist's arms and clutched the Norwegian mans shirt, gripping it tightly as the sobs wrecked through his body.

''Shh...shh...easy...easy...'', Euronymous said softly, listening to the vocalist's heavy breathing.

The Swede gasped for breath, releasing deep, tearful sobs that had the guitarist close his eyes at the painful sounds and embrace the blonde as tight as he could.

''Breathe now...that's it...breathe...'', Euronymous said gently, trying to calm down the frontman. He looked briefly at the clock and wondered if the other band members would be over soon.

_I can't have them see that he's been crying..._

''Dead...'', the Norwegian man said, carefully placing his hand on the vocalist's face to tilt it a little away from him.

Dead shook his head no and buried his face further against his neck. Euronymous could feel the hot tears drip down on him, making the skin on his throat moist as the blonde man kept releasing fresh tears. He felt so guilty for having to push the Swede away, but his heart pounded nervously at the thought of being caught together like this after what happened yesterday. He had no idea when Varg and Hellhammer would come, but he prayed that the drummer would be here first so they didn't have to face Varg alone again.

_I should call him...tell him to come over..._

Euronymous once again tried to gently push the Swedish man off of him so he could look him in the eyes and tell him that they needed to start their day.

''Dead we have to get up'', the guitarist said quietly.

''Please...'', the Swedish man whispered, clinging almost painfully to him.

_He is so scared...so scared of facing the world again..._

Euronymous stroked the blonde mans back, thinking how he had to try and keep his own fear and anger suppressed so he could make sure that the vocalist stayed strong with him. Because of Dead's past of hard bullying that had resulted in social anxiety and emotional shutdown, he knew that the blonde man could easily fall back again into his dark emptiness if he was exposed to more abuse. Right now it seemed like the Swede was in need of comfort and to be allowed to cry in his arms, but Euronymous feared that if something more were to happen then the tears would dry up and his embraces would be met with coldness and total rejection.

_...it has already started a little...hasn't it?_

The guitarist narrowed his eyes and remembered how just a minute ago Dead had not wanted his touch...

_No! Don't think that! That meant nothing! He was just hurt!_

Euronymous shut his eyes tight and held the other man closer again.

_Stay with me Dead! Stay strong with me!_

The guitarist breathed in deeply against the vocalist. He could feel the frontmans small trembles and for several minutes he hugged him close to him, stroking his hair and caressing his back until the Swede had calmed down.

When Dead seemed more relaxed, Euronymous was able to gently lift his head and look him in the eyes. The blonde mans bloodshot, tired eyes looked back at him at the guitarist wanted to lean down and kiss him warmly.

''Did you get some sleep last night?'', Euronymous asked softly, stroking Dead's face gently.

The vocalist shook his head as his eyes filled with tears again, ''No...'', he whispered brokenly, letting one tear escape and roll down his cheek.

Euronymous caught the tear with his finger and gently wiped it away, ''Let's get to bed early tonight then'', he said, trying to normalize the situation as best as he could. He could see how the frontman struggled with holding back the rest of his tears and he knew that Dead was trying to gather himself and stop crying.

The Swedish man nodded and choked back a sob, ''Yes...'', he whimpered and looked at Euronymous again.

The Norwegian man smiled warmly at the vocalist as he continued to stroke his face lovingly.

_If I try to kiss him...will he let me?_

The guitarist wanted so desperately to lean in and taste the frontmans lips with his own, but he was so scared that the Swede wouldn't want that now.

_I have to try..._

With the slowest of movement he leaned in until his lips almost touched the blonde man's own. He swallowed and hesitated before closing the small gap between them and softly capturing the vocalist's wet lips.

Euronymous closed his eyes at the tender kiss and his heart fluttered when the frontman first tensed but then relaxed against him. He carefully moved their mouths in a slow motion, gently engaging the Swedish man to kiss him back while making sure that the blonde felt calm and comforted. Euronymous moaned quietly into the kiss and wanted to deepen it more. It felt so good to touch Dead but he knew he couldn't scare the vocalist by seeming too eager. He gently released Dead's lips and looked up and into the other mans eyes again.

''I just had to...'', Euronymous mumbled sheepishly and chuckled quietly when the Swedish man blushed and gave him a shy smile back.

''Okay...'', Dead said and licked his lips.

Leaning back in, the guitarist looked for permission to kiss the other man again and when Dead didn't protest, he kissed the frontman one more time before hugging him close.

''Listen, I'm gonna call Hellhammer and tell him to come over here now, okay? ...I want him to be here before Varg does...'', Euronymous said, tightening his grip on the blonde man when he felt him tense up again in his arms.

''It's okay...it's going to be okay...'', he mumbled quietly.

''I can't do this Euronymous...'', Dead whimpered.

''Yes you can Dead. You have to, you hear me? You have to be a good boy now and do it for me, okay?'', Euronymous said in a soft but firm voice.

The vocalist nodded, clutching the Norwegian mans arm, ''It hurts...'', Dead whispered tearfully.

Euronymous felt so guilty at the other mans pain, ''I know it does...'', he said softly, stroking the frontmans back, ''...you have to take a shower and...and get clean you know...'', the guitarist ended his sentence in a strained voice at the memory of how he had to smear his cum over Dead's abused entrance the night before.

_He looked so sore...so open...so much in pain..._

The thought of the red, raw skin burning from wet cum made him shudder and feel sick from guilt.

''I don't want to...'', Dead mumbled quietly against his chest and Euronymous sighed in understanding.

''Maybe later then, okay?'', Euronymous said softly, thinking how they both desperately needed to clean themselves before tomorrows show at least.

''Okay...'', Dead whispered miserably.

Euronymous kissed the vocalist's head and gently nudged him up, this time managing to make the frontman move away. Dead sat on the edge of the couch, wrapping his arms around himself and looking sadly down on the ground. The guitarist moved next to him, carefully tilting his head up and kissing him softly on the lips.

''Can I get you anything before I call Hellhammer?'', Euronymous asked, feeling so fucking guilty and wanting to show the blonde man how much he cared about him.

Dead swallowed and shook his head, ''No'', he said shortly, leaning back on the couch and turning his head to stare at the wall.

Euronymous slowly stood up, ''Are you sure?'', he asked again, stroking the Swedish mans leg, ''Do you want me to get you your blanket? More tea?...I can ask Hellhammer if he can drop by the store if there's anything you want there...''.

At that, Dead turned his head back and looked at the guitarist.

''...you want something from the store?'', Euronymous wondered with a small smile.

''Maybe...'', Dead answered, narrowing his eyebrows thoughtfully.

Euronymous's smile grew wider at the cute sight, ''What do you want then?''.

''I dunno...'', the vocalist said, biting his lip.

Euronymous blinked, ''You don't know?''.

''I just have...cravings'', the frontman said, fidgeting restlessly with his hands.

''You...you have cravings?'', the guitarist questioned, trying to hold back a grin.

''Yes'', the Swede confirmed, looking seriously into the Norwegian mans eyes.

''Okay, so...what kind of cravings?'', Euronymous asked softly.

Dead shrugged, ''I dunno''.

The guitarist bit back a sigh, ''Right...'', he mumbled, continuing to stroke the other mans leg as he sat down again, ''Are you craving something salty?''.

''No'', Dead said.

''Sweet then?'', Euronymous wondered.

''No'', the blonde answered, crossing his arms.

''Spicy?'', the guitarist tried.

''No!'', the frontman said quickly.

''Bitter...?'', Euronymous was starting to feel lost for words.

''Ew no! What the hell!'', Dead said, grimacing at the thought.

The Norwegian man chuckled in defeat, trying to think of what he could have missed, ''...sour?'', he finally asked as the last thing that came to his mind.

''Yes!'', the vocalist exclaimed, ''I knew I was craving something...'', he mumbled to himself.

''You don't usually crave something sour so no wonder you had a hard time'', Euronymous said gently as he stood up, ready to head over to the phone.

''Yeah, well, I'm not really in a sweet mood...'', Dead muttered and the guitarist smirked at the small insult that was indirectly shot at him.

_I'll give you that one Dead...._

_''..._ who thinks of saying bitter before sour anyway...'', the frontman mumbled quietly, rolling his eyes and Euronymous stopped in his track and turned around to face the other man with one raised eyebrow.

''What's wrong with bitter? You like bitter! Coffee's bitter!'', the Norwegian man exclaimed.

''Who wants bitter candy...'', Dead said annoyed

''I didn't know you wanted candy, did I? And like I said, you're not usually into sour things so excuse me for not mentioning it before.'', Euronymous said with a sigh.

''I like sour things! Ketchup is sour!'', the vocalist declared loudly.

''What?! No, it's not!'', the guitarist said in disbelief.

''Yes, it is!'', Dead said stubbornly.

''No, it's not!'', Euronymous shot back, just as stubborn.

''Yes, it is!'', the Swedish man said and narrowed his eyes, not willing to give in.

''No, it's not!'', the guitarist raised his voice, turning his back on the other man to show that the discussion was over.

''...yes it is....'', the Swede mumbled quietly and Euronymous bit his lip to suppress a smile.

_Sour candy for a sour mood..._

As annoying as the blonde man seemed to be right now, Euronymous couldn't help but be pleased to see that he wasn't crying anymore. He would rather have an angry Dead than a sad and broken one. He needed the vocalist to feel the same hatred that he felt himself towards what had happened to them.

_Just don't put your anger out on the wrong person Dead...I'm trying my best here..._

''Euronymous?'', the Swede suddenly called out in a small voice just as the Norwegian man was about to pick up the phone.

''Yes?'', the guitarist mumbled, ready to dial Hellhammer's number.

''...can you get me my blanket?'', Dead asked, already curling up on the couch again while turning on the tv.

Euronymous shook his head softly and smiled. ''Of course'', he said, placing down the phone and rolling his eyes at the smirk the blonde man sent him before he walked upstairs to get the blanket that was left in his room.

When the guitarist came down again he saw the frontman lying with his eyes half closed, staring tiredly at the tv screen.

''Here you go'', Euronymous murmured and placed the blanket over the blonde mans slim frame. He tucked him in nice and tight and smiled warmly when Dead sent him a tiny smile in gratitude before closing his eyes completely.

''I'm gonna call Hellhammer now...'', Euronymous muttered and lifted the vocalist's hand to give it a soft kiss when he saw the small frown on the frontman's face.

Euronymous knew that the mention of the drummer made the Swede think of the situation they found themselves in and he wished with all his heart that he could shield the fragile man from meeting their new bassist again. If it hadn't been for the concert the next day he would have just called off the practice immediately and barricaded the door so that no one could come in.

_But we need the money so fucking much..._

He closed his eyes as he gave the blonde mans hand one last lingering kiss before smiling sadly and walking over to the phone again. He felt slightly nervous as he dialed the drummer's number and waited anxiously for the other man to pick up.

''Hey man!'', the guitarist said as soon as Hellhammer greeted him on the other side of the line.

''Hey...what's up?'', the drummer asked, sounding like he just had woken up.

''Did I wake you?'', Euronymous smirked.

''What?..uh, no! ...No. Fuck! I'm not late am I? Is that why you're calling?'', Helhammer asked slightly panicking.

''No, dude, chill!'', the guitarist said calmly, sitting down on the edge of the table where the phone was placed.

''Oh okay, good!...then why are you calling? ...is there something wrong?'', the drummer asked hesitantly.

As soon as Euronymous heard the genuine concern in the other mans voice he felt a lump in his throat and he had to take a deep breath so he wouldn't break down and tell his band member everything. He suddenly felt so scared and alone and he wanted desperately to be able to confess to his trustworthy friend all that had happened during the night before.

… _.but is he really that trustworthy?..._

_...can you really be certain that he's not going to turn on you the minute you say something?_

Euronymous looked over at the slumbering vocalist and felt his heart beat fast at the thought of risking anyone else hurting the blonde man. He shut his eyes tight as he got a sudden image of the strong, drummer slamming the frontman hard against the wall in anger after finding out about them. The thought made him sick and a shiver wrecked through him as he pictured the weak Swede on the floor, unable to protect himself against the hard punches.

_No! That won't happen! No one can know!_

''No, it's all cool. I...I just wondered if you had time to come by a little earlier?'', the guitarist said, trying to keep his voice steady.

''...Uh..,sure, why?''. Hellhammer wondered curiously, ''By the way, I got the blood!'', the drummer said right before Euronymous had the time to make up an excuse for the other man to come over.

''Great!'', the guitarist answered, shooting another glance over at the blonde man on the couch. He prayed that the vocalist would be able to cooperate with them during the practice and not have an emotional breakdown.

''Yeah! Not so expensive either. So if this shit works then I think we're going to be just fine'', Hellhammer said cheerfully.

Euronymous had to take another deep breath at the warm, carefree tone from the other man.

_...are we really going to be just fine....?_

''Awesome!'', the guitarist said, forcing a smile into his voice.

''So, see you in about thirty minutes then?'', Hellhammer asked quickly, ready to hang up so he could grab his stuff and get out.

''Yes. Perfect. Thanks man!...'', Euronymous said with a slight relief, ''...Oh no wait! Uh...can you stop by the store for me?''.

''No problem, what do you need? ...chocolate milk?'', the drummer asked with a smirk and Euronymous was glad the other man wasn't there to see the blush on his face.

_Motherfucking chocolate milk..._

''No, uhm, actually, it's a...it's sour candy...think you can get some?'', the guitarist murmured. He normally wouldn't feel so embarrassed about wanting something for the store, but now that he knew that he was asking for Dead it somehow made it a little more awkward.

''...sour candy?'', the drummer questioned.

Euronymous sighed quietly, ''Yeah...it's for Dead...he's not feeling so good today and he wanted that so I said I could ask you if you could get some ....'', the guitarist mumbled out quickly, ''...You know what, just buy some more painkillers too, alright?'', he said, trying to make it seem like Dead was feeling sick so that if anyone saw him now with his red, tired eyes they would just think he had a cold or something.

''Alright, man. He's not badly ill right? I mean, we can still play tomorrow?'', Hellhammer asked a little concerned.

''Of course! He just need a little extra rest...headache and shit, you know'', Euronymous said, trying to sound careless.

''Ah, shit, yeah, I understand. How's your own head today? Feeling good?'', Hellhammer asked.

''Yeah, yeah...it's all good. Just get your ass here, alright?'', Euronymous said a bit restlessly. The friendly concern from the other man was filling him with shame and despair and he once again felt himself on the breaking point of confession.

_Don't even think about it!_

After hanging up the phone, Euronymous walked slowly back to Dead. The Swede looked so peaceful, breathing deeply with his eyes closed, ready to fall asleep any moment. The guitarist wanted to lie down next to him but he didn't dare in case the drummer would walk right in on them. Instead he pulled up the chair next to the couch and dragged it close enough so he could reach out his hand to stroke the frontmans head while he relaxed.

''Euronymous?'', Dead asked tiredly and opened his eyes to look at him.

The guitarist smiled warmly, ''What is it?'', he wondered, caressing the Swedish mans neck.

Dead closed his eyes and enjoyed the soft touch before opening them again, ''You didn't tell Hellhammer anything, right?'', the vocalist asked in a small nervous voice.

''No...'', Euronymous said hesitantly, stopping the movement of his hand.

''Good...I don't want anyone to know....ever.'', Dead said and the guitarist could hear the shame and bitterness in his voice.

''I won't tell. Ever. I promise'', Euronymous said quietly, gently continuing stroking the other mans neck as his heart pounded fast inside his chest.

_So it's official now...no one will ever know..._

_...guess we're on our own then Dead..._

The Norwegian man looked down at the Swede and hoped he had done the right thing by making the promise of not letting anyone know about what a sadistic cunt their new bassist truly was. It wasn't like he wanted to tell anyone either, not really. He was fully aware of the danger of letting other people know. That's why he had been so cautious by sneaking around and making sure that no one saw him touch or talk to Dead in any way that could seem suspicious.

_...but I wasn't careful enough_

The guitarist sighed and shifted in his seat so he could pull up his legs. In the beginning he was more ashamed of himself and his own reputation if the wrong people found out. But now, especially after seeing Varg threaten the vocalist, he was terrified not only for his own life but for Dead's too. His stomach tightened at the thought of seeing the frontman in any danger. His feeling towards him had become so overpowering and he wouldn't know what to do with himself if one day Dead wasn't around to smile at him or kiss him good night.

Euronymous closed his eyes as a shiver ran up his spine. His hand that was stroking the Swedish mans neck began to absentmindedly play with the blonde's long hair and he stared thoughtfully out into the air and waited anxiously for the drummer to arrive. After a while his eyes drifted over to the tv that was still on and he started to watch the house renovation show that had begun.

''So lame...at least pick another color asshole...'', the guitarist muttered at the interior decorator on the tv.

''Since when did you get into home decoration, huh? Hope you're not planning on changing career!''

Euronymous jumped back at Hellhammer's sudden voice and hastily pulled his hand away from the vocalist's hair. He stared wide eyed at the drummer who had just walked in and was standing with his back to him as he removed his jacket. The guitarist quickly sat up more straight so he wasn't leaning so close to the Swede and waited with a beating heart for Hellhammer to turn around.

''Oh shit... you sure he's okay?'', the drummer asked worried as soon as he spotted Dead on the couch.

Euronymous blinked, ''Uh, yeah. He's fine. Just needs to rest'', he mumbled a little awkwardly. He was still feeling a little anxious and carefully followed the drummers move as he sat down on the other chair across from the guitarist.

''So, what's up?'', Hellhammer asked as soon as he sat down.

Euronymous looked a bit uncertain, ''Not much. Why?''. The sudden appearance from the drummer had put him on edge and he tried to calm down.

''Well, you told me to get my ass out here and I guess it wasn't only to buy sour candy for him?'', Hellhammer smirked and nodded at the vocalist who was still lying with his eyes closed.

At the mention of candy, Dead's eyes shot open and he glanced curiously over at the other man who had just arrived.

''Hello'', Hellhammer smiled as he saw the frontman look at him.

''Hi'', Dead answered shortly with a small smile as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

The drummer looked at the Swede and narrowed his eyes slightly. The frontman's cheeks had a light blush on them and he seemed tired. However what really made Hellhammer take a double look on the blonde man was his red, blood shot eyes that looked as if they had only recently been shedding tears.

_Has he been crying because he is ill? ...or is it something else..._

… _.have they been fighting?_

_..is that why I needed to come over?_

Hellhammer looked thoughtfully over at Euronymous who sat on the edge of his seat, seeming restless and tired too. The drummer decided not to ask again why he had to come over so early. If the other two really had been bickering about something and just needed him to settle the tension then he wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. He carefully looked over at the frontman again.

_I've never seen him cry....wonder what they've been fighting about..._

_...is this your work Euronymous?_

He knew the guitarist wasn't the easiest man to be around for longer periods of time and it didn't surprise him if things had gone a little on the wrong side between them. After all they were living very closely together, and if they now were getting even more close...

_Don't think about it!...it's none of your business!...if anything serious ever happens then he would tell you, you know that...._

''Here you go!'', Hellhammer said, tossing two bags of candy on the table in front of Dead. He smiled as the vocalist bit his lip at the sight and glanced over at Euronymous who was looking intensely at the Swedish man.

_Whatever the problem is it can't be that serious I guess...._

He had never seen the guitarist look at someone with such adoration and he knew that if his two band members really had been fighting, then they sure as hell would kiss and make up soon. He smiled to himself when suddenly a picture of Dead and Euronymous sharing a soft kiss flashed through his mind and he swallowed hard and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

_Think of something else!_

_ANYTHING else!_

Just as a small feeling of panic and distress began settling in his body, he became aware of the frontman grabbing one of the candy bags and ripping it open.

''Thank you'', Dead said softly to him before taking a handful of candy and stuffing it in his mouth.

Both Hellhammer and Euronymous stared with big eyes as the Swede grimaced at the sourness but continued to chew it up and then grabbing another handful.

''Fuck this is sour...'', Dead mumbled and licked his lips as a shudder ran through him.

Hellhammer chuckled, ''Need something a little more sweet to wash it down with?'', he asked and pulled up a large carton of chocolate milk from his bag.

Dead stopped chewing for a second before nodding furiously.

''Knew you were empty and thought he could use some now that he wasn't feeling well'', Hellhammer said to Euronymous who looked curiously at the milk.

Euronymous nodded gratefully, ''...since its so nutritional...'', he mumbled with a smile and looked softly over at the Swede, just missing the grin the drummer sent him at the comment.

''I'll go get a glass'', Hellhammer said and went in to the kitchen.

Euronymous watched the drummer go and smiled at how thoughtful it was of the other man to buy chocolate milk for Dead. It was a really nice thing to do without him even asking for it.

_You still can't trust him, remember...._

His smile faltered as the voice inside his head reminded him of how alone he really was. He looked at the clock and hoped that it would still be some time before Varg came over. Although a small part of him wanted to confront the younger man, there was a much larger part that prayed that he would never see their new bassist ever again.

''Alright, knock yourself out!'', Hellhammer said to Dead as he came back with a glass and put it in front of him.

Dead smiled and mumbled a small thanks before ripping the milk carton open and pouring the drink into his glass, completely filling it up to the brim.

Euronymous looked on with raised eyebrows and waited nervously for the Swede to spill it all over himself as he lifted the glass in a quick motion.

''Damn...'', he muttered, close to being impressed, as Dead managed to drink the milk fast without losing one drop.

''No glass for me?'', the guitarist asked the drummer in fake disappointment, crossing his arms with a smirk.

''Go get your own glass you big baby'', Hellhammer laughed and leaned back in his chair before putting his feet on the table.

''You're calling ME a baby? Have you seen this...thing?'', Euronymous said in mock offense and gestured to the blonde man sitting cross legged on the couch, drinking his milk in large gulps while chewing for his dear life on the sour candy.

Hellhammer snorted in laughter at the sight, 'Oh please, now you're just making up excuses to cover your own laziness!''.

''What?! Fuck I'm not!'', Euronymous grinned and grimaced with Dead as the frontman made a particularly twisted expression as he hit something extra sour.

''Get your lazy ass out in the kitchen then!', Hellhammer laughed.

''Fine! I'll get my own glass'' , the guitarist said, chuckling on his way out to the kitchen.

''Get one for me too!'', Hellhammer yelled after him and grabbed the remote control.

He smirked as he heard Euronymous mumble, ''...asshole...'', from inside the other room.

''Do you mind if I change the channel?'', he asked the vocalist who just gave him a shrug back.

''Are you really going to watch that lame ass show again?'', Euronymous asked when he came back with two glasses.

''Dude, what did I tell you last time, huh? I mean it, I will not hesitate to send you flying out that window if you don't shut up about my show.'' the drummer answered, nodding at the large window in the living room.

Euronymous snorted and rolled his eyes as he met Dead's curious gaze. The vocalist sent him a small smile before shifting his focus on the tv where Hellhammer's sitcom had begun.

''What an idiot!'', Hellhammer laughed, eyes glued to the television as he reached out and grabbed the unopened bag of candy.

Euronymous had to hide his smile as he witnessed Dead narrowing his eyes and looking annoyed at how the drummer took the candy. He could see the Swede tightening his grip on the one bag that he had already opened as if to make sure that he got to keep that for himself.

''Fucking hell, this is shit!'', Hellhammer burst out as he tasted the sour candy.

Dead looked almost offended at the comment and Euronymous couldn't hold in his laugh.

''It can't be that bad since you're still eating it'', he said, watching how the drummer grabbed another piece and tossed it in his mouth.

''It's like an addiction man...once you've had one you just can't stop!'', Hellhammer said in defense, looking at Dead who nodded in understanding as he continued eating from his own bag.

Euronymous sighed and shook his head. He had no interest in tasting that sour shit and he bit his lip thoughtfully, wondering if he had anything else in the kitchen he could snack on.

_I think there's still some chips left from the party somewhere..._

The thought made his mouth water and he jumped up and ran in to the kitchen to look for it. He began rummaging through all their cupboards. None of them ever remembered where to put things right so there was no organized system at all and all the cupboards and drawers contained of a mix between food items and kitchen equipment.

''Yes!'', Euronymous mumbled triumphantly as he found one unopened bag of chips stuck in between a rolling pin and a couple of plates.

He smiled at the delicious chips bag before looking at the rolling pin.

_Didn't even know we had that..._

_...would be so nice with something freshly baked one day..._

He blinked at the absurd mental image of him and Dead baking together in the kitchen.

_...yeah I don't think so...don't want to risk burning the house down..._

_...maybe I can get Hellhammer to bake for us..._

Euronymous grinned at the thought and opened the chips bag to start eating on his way back out to the living room. He could hear Hellhammer questioning something on the tv show he was watching and then surprisingly Dead's quiet voice answering him back. The guitarist smiled and for a second he had forgotten all about the terrible event from the night before.

He happily chewed on his chips as he walked in to the other two, and was about to comment something just before Hellhammer laughed and turned to him to say, ''He's not as stupid as he looks''', gesturing towards the vocalist on the couch.

Euronymous' smile froze and his eyes shot over to the frontman who had visibly paled.

_''He's not as stupid as he looks''_

_Varg....you cunt! You filthy, filthy cunt!_

Those were the exact words the younger man had said about Dead as the Swede had been the first of them to understand what the bassist wanted. And now, the blonde man was sitting in the same spot as the day before when he had last heard the comment about him.

Euronymous swallowed hard and quickly looked over at the drummer who seemed to be oblivious to what was going on. The guitarist's pulse began to raise. He could see the Swedish man start to breathe hard and his eyes were big and fixated on the ground.

 _What do I do?! What do I do?!_ _He's going to start crying now...fuck fuck fuck!_

Euronymous knew he couldn't run over and embrace the other man. That was too much of a risk to take, and not to mention that he had no fucking excuse whatsoever to do it.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck!_

_...shit yes!_

''Hey man, did you get the painkillers too?'', he quickly asked Hellhammer.

''Yeah, sorry! Of course'', the drummer answered and tossed the small box on the table with an apologetic smile.

''It's okay...I just think he might need one or two now...'', Euronymous said, trying to keep his voice calm as he nodded in the direction of the frontman.

Hellhammer turned to look at Dead who was shaking and looked as if he was about to throw up.

_...maybe he really isn't feeling so good?_

''...yeah...are you sure that we should be practicing today? I mean, I know we have the show and all...'', the drummer commented reluctantly, watching as the vocalist clenched his hands together and panted hard.

Even though Euronymous could see the worrying look on Hellhammer he knew that the other man really wasn't too keen on skipping practice. He could hear it in his voice that he really wanted to play and that he was more than ready for a new show.

''Don't worry, he's gonna be fine!'', Euronymous said, a little too loudly and pushed the painkillers over to Dead.

Dead looked skeptically at the package and then up at the guitarist who gave him a small, serious nod.

Hellhammer tried to shift his focus back on the television again but couldn't help notice the stern look the guitarist gave the blonde man, looking like he was almost forcing him to take the pills.

_...what the fuck is wrong with him....?_

He narrowed his eyes slightly as Euronymous sat down next to the vocalist who seemed as if he was about to faint any minute.

_...what the hell Euronymous...I thought you were beginning to care about him?_

Hellhammer sighed quietly and returned to his tv show but was soon interrupted by Dead's voice.

''Don't! I'm fine!'', the frontman said loudly in an almost angry tone.

The drummer had never heard the Swede raise his voice like that and he hastily looked over at the guitarist who was sitting half turned towards the frontman, leaning close and with one hand hovering in the air as if he was just about to place it down on the other man. The look of devastation was shining in Euronymous' eyes and Hellhammer turned his head quickly back around to pretend he hadn't seen anything.

_None of my business...none of my business...none of my business!_

Euronymous slowly lowered his hand. His heart was beating fast and he almost didn't dare to move his head to see if the drummer had seen what had happened. He looked at Dead who had shut his eyes tight and was biting his lip hard to suppress what the guitarist knew was a deep sob. He wanted to say something, anything, but instead just shifted a little away from the blonde man to let him have his space.

Euronymous tried not to get angry. Tried not to get hurt. But it was so fucking hard when all he wanted to do was to show some comfort. But he understood in a way that it wasn't necessarily because Dead didn't want his touch, but because the Swede knew that if the guitarist touched him then he might break down and cry. He could see how much the vocalist was trying to hold back his tears. His body was trembling in built up emotion and it pained him that he couldn't wrap his arms around him and hold him tight.

_He's trying so hard not to cry..._

_...he knows I don't want him to..._

_..knows that he has to stay strong..._

Despite the situation, Euronymous couldn't help his heart swelling a little at the sight of the blonde man taking in deep breaths to calm himself.

_I'm so proud of you Dead._

_So fucking proud of you!_

''I think...'', Dead began quietly, breathing deeply as his voice broke off, ''I think I need...n-need some...'', he stopped to take another deep breath.

Euronymous saw how the vocalist's lip trembled, close to releasing the sobs that were being held back.

''...you need some air?'', the guitarist whispered softly.

Dead nodded furiously, clawing at his legs to keep from whimpering.

''It's okay...you can go'', Euronymous whispered again as quietly as he could. He didn't want the drummer to hear them talk and hoped that the other man was too focused on his tv show to pay any attention to them.

Dead shut his eyes and nodded in thanks before he tried to get up on shaking legs. Euronymous saw how unstable the blonde man was and carefully raised his hand to steady the frontman by placing it on the small of his back so he wouldn't fall.

''Everything okay?'', Hellhammer asked when he saw the Swedish man walk past him.

''Yeah, he just needs some air...Probably feeling a little too warm from a...from fever or something.'', Euronymous said, leaning back on the couch while trying to keep an eye on Dead.

''He has a fever now?'', Hellhammer wondered, looking more and more concerned.

''I'm sure some air and those painkillers will get rid of that in no time'', Euronymous said, making his voice sound determined.

''Alright'', Hellhammer mumbled, also looking after the Swede as he walked towards the frontdoor.

Just as Dead was about to grab the door handle, a heavy knock was heard on the other side and the door swung sudden and almost forcefully open, revealing Varg standing there with a smirk on his face.

''Hello'', the bassist said in a cold voice, taking one step inside the house and making the blonde man walk quickly backwards to get away.

''Well, well...how are we feeling today?'', Varg asked, coming slowly towards the vocalist.

''Hey man, you're early I see!'', Hellhammer said cheerfully, standing up from his chair to come greet the younger man.

Varg looked at the drummer as if he just had noticed him, ''You too apparently'', he said with a strained smile, looking over at Euronymous who had also got up from his seat.

''Cool! Then we can get started! ...or do you still need some air Dead?'', Hellhammer asked.

Dead shook his head and looked down on the floor.

''He's not feeling so good today...a cold maybe,...candy?'', the drummer said, grabbing the candy bag he had opened and taking a piece before offering it to the bassist.

Varg put on a smile and took a piece for himself, ''Sour candy? My favorite'', he said, narrowing his eyes as he smirked at the guitarist who looked as if he was ready to attack him at any moment.

''Yeah, Dead needed something to cheer him up with, you know....you don't mind us tasting it, right? Forgot to ask earlier'', Hellhammer questioned the frontman, sending him a warm smile.

''N-no...'', Dead whispered in a hoarse voice.

''That's nice of you Dead...sharing what you've got with all of us...'', Varg said in a soft eerie tone, moving closer to the blonde man.

''Lets go!'', Euronymous said loudly from where he was standing before walking in quick steps towards the others.

''Didn't know we were in such a hurry?'', Varg smirked, placing himself right behind Dead.

Euronymous clenched his fists together and said through gritted teeth, ''Why wait? We've got a lot of shit to go through. No time to waste.''.

''Yeah, we need to check out that fake blood....do we have a plan on how we're going to do it? Are we still using a real knife?'', Hellhammer wondered, still munching on the candy.

''Ah, that's right. I almost forgot. Hm. No more real blood....'', Varg said, placing a hand on the vocalist shoulder, ''...no more pain then, huh?'', he smiled, squeezing the blonde mans shoulder before letting it go.

''Dead, maybe you still should get some air before meeting us upstairs, okay? Just to clear your head...'', Euronymous said, staring intensely at the bassist who calmly met his gaze.

''I can keep him company'', Varg said, about to push the Swede in the direction of the front door.

''Nah, come on man. We can go through the last song in the mean time...'', Hellhammer said, throwing an arm around Varg.

''Uh...'', the younger man looked irritated at the drummer before he almost got dragged upstairs with a bewildered look on his face.

''Bring the blood!'', Hellhammer yelled down to Euronymous who couldn't help smirking at the annoyed look Varg got as he was pulled away by the eager drummer.

_Thank you Hellhammer..._

He sent a grateful thought to the other man before turning to face the vocalist.

''Dead?'', the guitarist said softly, carefully placing his hands on the blonde mans arms.

Dead hissed quietly at the touch but didn't move away. Euronymous took it as a sign to continue and slowly embraced the frontman, pulling him close and hugging him tight. He could feel the other man shake in his arms.

''Dead...do you remember what I said?'', the guitarist asked, stroking the Swedish mans back.

Dead nodded and clutched Euronymous' arm, ''N-no c-crying...'', the frontman choked out in a trembling voice.

''Can you still do that for me?'', Euronymous pulled back a little to look into the vocalist's eyes.

Dead averted his gaze and looked down at the ground, ''Y-yes'', he whispered and closed his eyes when two tears fell down his cheek.

''Good boy'', Euronymous said, smiling softly and wiping away two new tears that were starting to roll down the Swede's face.

''Now. Go outside. Take a deep breath and pull yourself together, okay? No more tears'', the guitarist said, feeling a new wave of rage wash over him as he knew what was waiting upstairs.

He gave one last warm embrace to the frontman and kissed his head before opening the door, ''Don't be too long'', he said and felt his heart sink at the miserable look on the other man. He felt terrible for leaving Dead alone but he had to go up to the others before they came down to check upon them.

Upstairs in the band room, Hellhammer was slowly beating a rhythm on the drums while watching Varg practice one of their songs.

''Great! Don't think it's going to be any problems tomorrow'', the drummer grinned and looked up as Euronymous came into the room.

''Is Dead outside?'', Hellhammer asked.

''Yeah...he'll be here soon...'', Euronymous mumbled, feeling his heart beat furiously at the sight of the younger man.

_GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU CUNT!_

''Did you take the blood?'', the drummer wondered, getting up from behind his drumset.

''Yes'', Euronymous answered shortly. He suddenly felt dizzy and sank down on the small couch inside the room.

''Cool!'', Hellhammer exclaimed, picking up one of the bags and looking at the red liquid, ''So how the fuck are we doing this?'', he asked, throwing himself down next to Euronymous.

''I don't know...'', the guitarist muttered tiredly. He had not had a chance to think more about that at all.

''Are you feeling bad too? Is it your head again?'', Hellhammer asked.

''No...no I'm fine. Just thinking!'', Euronymous said with a forced grin.

''Okay, shit, you almost got me worried there'', the other man laughed and ripped open the bag he was holding.

''Look at this shit! Too damn real!'', the drummer said in amazement, pouring some of the liquid out to get a better look at it,

''Damn...'', he mumbled impressed as he smeared it on his arm.

''Does it look painful?'', Hellhammer asked in a serious tone and showed his arm up into the guitarist's face. Euronymous had to snicker at the stupid joke and pushed the arm away so he could get up and get his guitar. He felt restless and needed to do something.

''Seriously though, I think it looks awesome!'', the drummer nodded and continued to pour out more.

''Didn't know you had a blood fetish'', Varg smirked.

''Me neither!'', Hellhammer laughed and stared in fascination as the liquid dried up and got sticky just like real blood.

Euronymous shuddered silently as he heard the younger man talk.

_SHUT THE FUCK UP VARG!_

He sat down again next to the other man and began strumming a tune on his guitar. He honestly had no idea what they were going to do for the show tomorrow. His mind felt clouded and the last thing he wanted to do now was to come up with a plan for their stage show.

''So what do you think, any ideas yet? You talked about adjusting the lighting or something. But the concert kinda came on short notice so...'', Hellhammer said.

''I know, I know'', Euronymous answered frustrated.

''You could just let him cut'', Varg said with a smirk from where he was standing.

Euronymous shot the bassist a furious look, ''Never'', he said in a quiet angry tone.

Varg smiled at the guitarist and shrugged, ''Alright'', he said.

''Fuck...maybe...maybe we should just cover his arms in blood from the beginning...'', Euronymous mumbled thoughtfully, looking at the drummers arms that were now covered in the fake blood.

''And not have him pretend to cut?'', Hellhammer questioned.

''Look, I don't know man!'', Euronymous said aggravated, throwing his arms out.

''Okay, okay, chill'', Hellhammer said, holding his hands up, ''How about we do that yes, and maybe if we get there early we can make sure that the stage is set dark enough for Dead to be able to fake his cutting and also, like, throw some blood out on the crowd, to distract them, you know...'', the drummer said, looking hopefully at the guitarist.

''Do we have enough blood to do that?'', Euronymous asked.

''Yeah, yeah, no problem! I can get some more!'', Hellhammer smiled.

Euronymous nodded, ''Okay, fine. Let's do that!'', he said.

''Yes!'', Hellhammer cheered, standing up and walking back over to his drums again.

Euronymous tried not to look over at the younger man, he didn't want to give him any attention. Instead he focused on his guitar and continued playing softly until he heard the sounds of the vocalist entering the room.

''Feeling better?'', Hellhammer asked, grabbing his drum stick and getting ready to play.

Euronymous gave Dead a small smile, ''We've been discussing what to do about your stage show tomorrow'', he said.

Dead nodded silently and Euronymous could see the tension in the blonde mans body. The frontman nervously sat down next to him and kept his eyes lowered. The guitarist turned towards him and quickly told them about their idea, ''...so if your arms already are drenched in blood and you also throw a bunch of it at the audience, then they hopefully won't see or care that you're not cutting for real...understand?''.

''Yeah'', Dead whispered, clutching his arm anxiously.

''Okay, let's play. You're ready, right?'', Euronymous asked the frontman. He needed to get them started before Dead had another melt down.

The Swede nodded and looked nervously over at the bassist

_Stop looking so frightened Dead!_

Euronymous sighed restlessly, feeling as if Dead's anxiety was beginning to wear off on him and he felt his own heart beat faster and his skin tingle as he too looked at Varg.

''Where do you want to start?'', Hellhammer asked, raising his arms, ready to hit the drums.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes as he met the younger mans gaze and he breathed in deeply at the disgusting smirk the bassist gave him. With one last deep breath, he turned his back completely to the other man and called out the first song for them to play.

After about an hour of playing, Euronymous signalized for them to stop.

''Break!'', he said loudly, putting down his guitar.

''Everything okay?'', Hellhammer asked curiously.

''Figured we needed some time out'', Euronymous said, looking at Dead.

''Right. Of course. I totally forgot. I'll go get something to drink for us'', the drummer answered, ''Help me carry?'', he said to Varg as he walked past him.

Varg sighed, ''Of course'', he mumbled, following the drummer out.

The second the other two left the room, Euronymous pulled Dead with him down on the couch and held his hand.

''Are you going to cry?'', he asked in a strained voice.

''No...'', Dead answered tearfully.

''Dead...you can't okay, You just can't. This is too fucking important'', the guitarist said, trying to keep his voice soft and gentle.

''I know!'', Dead cried, hiding his head in his hands.

''Just a little longer and we're done for today. I know you can do it'', Euronymous said, stroking the vocalist's back.

Dead trembled and nodded.

''Just focus on your screaming, okay? Focus on the darkness. The anger. The hatred. Focus on that Dead!'', Euronymous whispered in the blonde mans ear.

The guitarist could see the frontman straightening himself up and closing his eyes to drain his mind.

''Okay?'', Euronymous asked quietly, hearing the sounds of the other coming upstairs again.

''Okay'', Dead sighed, opening his eyes and staring empty out into the room.

''Alright, beer for you, beer for me...'', Hellhammer said as he came back in the room and handed Euronymous a beer bottle before placing one for himself next to his drum set.

Euronymous accepted the drink with a smile.

''...you've got your water...'', the drummer mumbled to Varg who was carrying his own glass.

''...and then a soda for you!'', he finished with a grin and gave Dead a soda box, ''...thought beer might not be the best for you today, you know...''.

Dead nodded and gave Hellhammer a tiny smile as thanks.

''What do you want to do now? Continue playing, or try the fake blood with Dead?'', Hellhammer asked.

Euronymous looked at the frontman, ''I'll say we play one more hour, then quickly go through the blood thing. I'm sure it doesn't need a lot of testing anyway. Our vocalist hasn't disappointed us so far so I'm sure he can make it work tomorrow!'', he said, giving the blonde man a quick pat on the back.

Dead gave a shy smile as he drank his soda.

''Alright!'', the guitarist clapped his hands together and grabbed his instrument, ready to get this over and done with.

An hour later, Euronymous once again signalized for them to stop.

''Okay, good. This is good'', he said, looking at Dead who was panting slightly. The vocalist had given it all this time, losing himself in the darkness of the music and ignoring the rest of the world around him. Euronymous could see it in his eyes how the Swede had emptied his mind to keep his focus on the anger and hatred that the guitarist wanted him to.

_Feed on the darkness Dead! Feed on it!_

Euronymous had purposely avoided looking at Varg throughout the whole session and he still wouldn't let his eyes linger too long on the other man. The bassist presence was starting to wear him out and he desperately wanted to get rid of him.

''Okay, you know what, I think we're gonna stop now. I have a good feeling about tomorrow and I don't think there's gonna be any problem'', he said.

''You don't want to test the blood?'', Hellhammer asked.

Euronymous shook his head, ''No, we got to get rested up so we can get there early and try out things, alright? Besides, like I said, I trust Dead to deliver a good show.''.

''Yes...would hate to see him disappoint...'', Varg smirked, placing down his bass.

Euronymous ignored the younger man as the memories from the night before invaded his mind.

_Fucking Cunt!_

''Okay, you're the leader'', Hellhammer mumbled and got up from his drums, ''So what now? You want us to fuck off?'', the drummer asked, smiling.

''Pretty much yeah'', Euronymous smirked back.

''I'll you give you a call when I'm on my way tomorrow.'', Hellhammer said as they all began moving downstairs.

Euronymous nodded, ''Good''.

''Still feeling confident for the show?'', the drummer asked Varg as he grabbed his jacket and began talking to the younger man.

Euronymous felt his heart beat fast as he watched the other two put on their jackets. He turned to see the vocalist standing a little behind him and he quietly walked over to him and put his hand on his shoulder, ''Go upstairs and into my room. Lock the door'', he whispered to the blonde man.

Dead slowly turned his head and the guitarist could see the fear shine in his eyes,

''It's just a precaution'', he said, giving the Swede a soft smile as he let him go and quickly went in to the kitchen.

He scanned the room and grabbed a small sharp knife on the counter to hide in his pocket before returning to the other band members.

_Just in case..._

Euronymous swallowed nervously and looked at the bassist, ''Varg. A word?'', he said, feeling his heart beat out of his chest as the other man stopped talking to the drummer and instead directed his focus on him.

''Of course Euronymous'', Varg said, smiling.

''Can I go?'', Hellhammer asked, already halfway out the door.

Euronymous wished he could tell the drummer to stay so he didn't have to be alone with the bassist, but instead he nodded and gave his band member a short smile.

''See ya tomorrow then!'', Hellhammer yelled as he ran out and slammed the door behind him.

The second they were alone, the guitarist could feel the tension in the air and he breathed in nervously as he saw the drummer through the window walking over to his car.

_Hope I didn't make a mistake..._

Suddenly he felt the younger mans presence close to him and he looked up and let out a small gasp as he was roughly pushed down on the chair next to the window.

''I hope you're not planning on skipping out on going to Bergen with me'', Varg said in a harsh voice, leaning down to stare directly into his face.

Euronymous grind his teeth together and wanted nothing more than to look away.

''Because that would be a big.fucking.mistake'', the younger man growled, placing his hands on either side of the chair, trapping the guitarist.

Euronymous could feel the knife press against his leg inside his pocket.

_Don't do anything rushed now..._

''Go to hell'', he whispered angry, clenching his fists together as he looked at the other man.

Varg laughed in his face, '' Still so fucking arrogant aren't you?'', he chuckled.

Euronymous had to bite his tongue so as not to spit out another insult at the bassist. He was already walking on thin ice and he knew it. He had to tread carefully now.

''So? Can I still count on you and your precious vocalist to not disappoint me?'', Varg asked intimidatingly.

The guitarist felt a shiver run down his spine and he looked out the window again to see the drummer just drive off in his car.

_I'm all alone..._

''Well?!'', the bassist growled, shaking the chair and immediately gaining Euronymous attention again.

''Yes! ...don't worry. We'll go!'', Euronymous forced out, not wanting to say the words at all. He had originally thought of telling the younger man that there was no way they were going to Bergen with him and that they instead could just go and record his album and then hopefully never see each other again after that.

''Very good'', Varg said, grinning darkly, ''I still want my album recorded in Bergen and not in this shit town here''.

Euronymous didn't say anything. Just kept staring at the younger man as he prepared himself to pull out his knife if it came to it. He hoped however it wouldn't be necessary. Varg might be younger but he was still bigger and stronger than him and he knew that if he made just one mistake it could have fatal consequences.

''One condition'', the guitarist said quietly, trying hard not to reveal the tremble in his voice.

''...yes?'', Varg wondered, leaning back a little.

Euronymous' heart was pounding, ''After the concert....after the recording...I want you out of the band...Understood?'', he hissed.

Varg chuckled and snorted patronizingly, ''Agree'', he said and stepped back from the guitarist.

Euronymous breathed hard as he watched the younger man walk over to the front door. He didn't move one muscle until he saw the bassist grab the door handle and open it.

''Goodbye for now'', Varg smirked, walking outside and closing the door quietly behind him.

Euronymous collapsed the second the other man was out of sight.

''Oh god...oh fuck...fuck...fuck...fuck...'', he whispered on repeat, grabbing his head and leaning forward to take in several deep breaths.

For a long time he just sat there, feeling sick and dizzy as his whole body was shaking in fear and anger.

''Oh you cunt...you fucking, fucking cunt....'', he growled out quietly as he slowly straightened up.

With careful movements he stood up from the chair and walked on shaking legs over to the staircase. He had to hold on to the railing so as not to lose his balance as he trembled for every step he took. Finally on top, he stopped and looked tiredly over at his own bedroom.

''Dead?'', Euronymous knocked on his door, ''It's okay...'', he said softly.

The door slowly opened to reveal the frontman standing nervously on the other side.

''Hey'', Euronymous whispered with a small smile.

''Hi'', Dead gave a tiny smile back, stepping back to let the other man in.

The Swede sat down on the bed and stared anxiously at the guitarist.

''How are you?'', Euronymous asked, coming over to stand in front of him.

Dead shrugged, ''I'm okay'', he said quietly.

''Good'', Euronymous smiled, reaching out a hand to gently stroke the Swedish mans face.

Dead leaned in to the touch and Euronymous relaxed at the sight. The last thing he wanted now was rejection.

''...do we still have to go to Bergen?'', Dead asked, looking up and into Euronymous' eyes.

The guitarist stopped his caress and bit his lip hard. The Swede was looking at him with so much hope and he wished he could tell him that they weren't going anywhere.

As if he could sense Euronymous' reluctance to answer, Dead's face changed from hopeful to disappointed.

''I see...'', the vocalist muttered, arching away from the Norwegian mans hand.

Euronymous' stomach tightened at the gesture and he closed his eyes and swallowed hard, ''I didn't have a choice...'', he whispered in a strained voice.

''Right...'', Dead nodded carelessly and shrugged again as if nothing matter anyway.

Euronymous sighed sadly.

_I'm so tired Dead...so fucking tired!_

''I-I'm gonna go shower...'', he mumbled, turning his back on the blonde man who had stopped looking at him.

As he walked past his night table he absentmindedly pulled out the small knife and put it down on the surface, not wanting to have it close to his body any longer.

''Why did you have a knife?'', Dead asked, narrowing his eyes.

Euronymous felt so exhausted now and didn't feel like answering any more of the vocalist's questions.

''Just in case...'', he shrugged quietly and looked miserably at the blonde man before turning around to head out and in to the bathroom.

''Wait!'', Dead called out, following him outside.

Euronymous sighed again.

''...What?'', he asked, voice thick with sorrow. He couldn't hide his low spirit any longer.

''I'll come with you'', Dead said softly, coming up close to him and hesitantly placing a hand on his arm.

Euronymous heart swelled at the small touch and he smiled warmly at the frontman. He looked into the Swede's eyes and it seemed that the vocalist understood the seriousness of the risk he had taken by trying to talk to the bassist.

''Sounds great'', the guitarist whispered and carefully leaned in to give the blonde man a small kiss.

Dead smiled back and Euronymous took his hand and lead them in to the bathroom where he turned on the shower and began stripping off his clothes. He couldn't wait to finally get clean and he quickly stepped in to the warm water and moaned quietly at the feeling.

''Are you coming?'', the guitarist asked as he saw the frontman stand awkwardly in the middle of the room.

_Is he afraid of me now?_

_...or just shy?_

Euronymous turned his back to the Swede to give him some space and instead focused on enjoying the water that was pouring over him. He closed his eyes and let it fall on his face, sighing in pleasure at the sensation. As he stood there, feeling his body relax at the warmth around him, he felt the presence of the other man entering the shower with him.

''There you are'', he said gently and turned around to face the vocalist.

The guitarist took the frontmans hands and carefully pulled him under the shower head. He smiled as the Swede gasped quietly when the warm water hit his skin and he carefully circled his arms around the vocalist so he could hold him close.

Euronymous felt like this was not the right time to speak. Instead he wanted them to just enjoy what they had here and now. He knew that since they were both naked he had to be a little more careful with the closeness. The last thing he wanted was for Dead to think that he wanted sex. This was all about comfort and Euronymous wanted to show that the other man could trust him. He turned to the shower head and lowered it down before smiling warmly at the Swedish man.

''Come'', he whispered and pulled the vocalist down with him so they were sitting on the floor, just like that first time when he had helped clean Dead's arms. He adjusted the water more so that they could lean back and relax at the gently spray that fell on them.

''Are you okay?'', he asked calmly, embracing the Swede tightly and letting him rest his head on his shoulder.

Dead nodded and closed his eyes and Euronymous could feel the blonde man relax in his arms. He smiled softly and kissed the vocalist's shoulder as he reached up and grabbed the shampoo. With careful movements he began washing the frontmans long hair and his heart fluttered, as Dead kept his eyes closed with a calm look on his face during the whole time. He had noticed that the Swede liked getting his hair washed and that it relaxed him to get his head stroked.

Euronymous took the shower head down and began to rinse out the shampoo, stroking his fingers through the blonde hair and feeling how soft it turned after getting washed. He couldn't wait to bury his face against it and inhale the clean scent after it had dried and they could snuggle up in bed together.

''All done'', he said gently, tilting the vocalist's face towards him so he could kiss him softly.

Dead gave him a shy smile that slowly turned into a frown before he arched away and tried to get up.

''What?...what is wrong?'', Euronymous asked bewildered, trying to hold back the other man.

''Don't you think I can feel it?'', Dead said angry and Euronymous could see the look of hurt on his face.

''Feel what..? I don't...oh fuck...'', the guitarist mumbled confused before he realized that he was slowly getting an erection.

''Dead! You can't just...'', he began but was abruptly interrupted.

''How can you even think about that!'', Dead yelled on the verge of tears, once again trying to get away.

''Will you listen to me?'', Euronymous said loudly, holding the frontman back from getting up.

Dead shook his head tearfully.

''I'm sorry, okay? But it's not what you think!'', the guitarist said, keeping his voice calm.

''Yeah right!'', Dead cried out as his lip began to quiver, ''Let me go!''.

''No! Listen to me!'', Euronymous said more firmly, ''Its not like that! Not at all! It's only because it's you! Can't you understand that?''.

''What the fuck is that suppose to mean?'', Dead choked out angry and confused.

''I mean, it's not that I want sex or anything...I just can't help reacting when I feel you so close to me...because you feel so good...everything about you feel so good....and I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable...'', Euronymous said, feeling sheepish as he looked at the hurtful expression on the blonde man.

Dead blinked and softened his face, ''Really? ...so you don't want anything?'', he asked carefully.

Euronymous smiled, slowly pulling the Swede back to him, ''The only thing I want now is to have you in my arms...'', he said quietly.

''Thank you'', Dead whispered, blushing slightly at his own reaction, as the guitarist embraced him tight again.

''I promise I will try to think of something else to make it, you know, go away...'', Euronymous said, feeling a bit embarrassed.

''Like what?'', Dead asked carelessly, closing his eyes again and enjoying the warmth from the other man.

''Uh...I don't know...like Hellhammer's grandmother or something...'', Euronymous muttered, not prepared to come up with an answer.

_Why does he always ask so many questions? ...stupid Swede..._

''Gross! Have you even met her?'', Dead asked disgusted.

''What?! No!'', Euronymous said, sighing a little impatiently.

''Then how do you know what she looks like?'', Dead wondered, looking up at him.

Euronymous closed his eyes and shook his head, ''Oh my god...just...shut up!'', he said and opened his eyes so he could lean down and kiss the vocalist's head.

He chuckled when the frontman gave him a teasing grin and he smiled back and kissed the blonde man deeply as the warm water continued to fall on them, making them both feel safe and relaxed in each others arms.

Meanwhile, inside Varg's apartment, the bassist was sitting alone on his couch, staring darkly at the tv screen where the video he recorded of his band members were playing. He breathed harshly and began rubbing his crotch as the blonde man on the screen begged and cried to be let go. With a rough hand he opened up his pants and pulled out his erection.

''Whore...'', he growled quietly, smirking at the tv as he pumped his cock fast and hard.

He grabbed the control and forwarded the video until the last shot where the guitarist spread the vocalist's ass open.

Without another word, he stood up, still stroking himself, and moved closer to the tv. He stared intensely at the screen without blinking as he moved his hand faster and faster.

With the remote control in his other hand, he stopped the video just as the image of the Swedish man's red and swollen asshole glistening with cum was shining right at him.

The bassist clenched his jaw tight as his orgasm approached. He hissed almost angry and tossed the remote control down on the floor so he could reach out his hand and touch the tv.

''Yes...'', he growled again, placing his finger right where the blonde mans entrance was on the screen.

He came hard in his hand, furiously pumping out his release as he glared at the wet hole.

_Beautiful..._

He smirked and turned off the tv before heading to the bedroom. Ready to get a goodnight sleep before his first concert with his new band.

 


	14. Chapter 14

He gasped quietly as the water hit his face and ran down his neck. With a slight tremble, he put his hands under the sink one more time and filled them with ice cold water. This time he whimpered as his face was drenched again and he shut his eyes tight when the cold water made his skin feel numb.

The blonde man slowly opened his eyes and gripped the sink as his heart pounded in his chest. He carefully looked up and saw his naked reflection in the mirror. His skin was flushed from the cold water and there were small droplets hanging from his eyelashes, ready to fall down any minute.

Dead straightened himself up and stared at the reflection with a frown on his face. A thousands thoughts were fighting inside his mind and he opened his mouth in a silent scream of despair and leaned back again over the sink. The skin on his face was beginning to feel warm and tingling and he quickly turned on the water so he could splash the cold liquid on himself again, numbing his head from the outside to the inside.

_Not today..._

_I can't today..._

He repeated the action until he couldn't lift his hands anymore from coldness. A shiver wrecked through his body as the icy water ran down his chest and further down his stomach. He stood frozen, staring empty at the floor as the numbness penetrated his body and mind.

_Don't think..._

_Don't feel..._

Dead lifted his gaze to watch himself again. He raised his hand and dragged it through his hair, feeling how soft it was after the guitarist had washed it yesterday. A small smile twitched in the corner of his mouth at the thought of how good it had felt to be cared for by the other man.

_But not today!_

The hint of a smile disappeared from the Swedish mans face and he once again was left frowning at his own reflection. His eyes wandered over his chest and he glared at all the old, thin white scares that were gracing the surface of his skin. There weren't many of them since he preferred cutting his arms if he were to use a knife. But he had occasionally let the cold steel roam over his whole upper body when he was alone in his room and feeling as if the darkness inside him were swallowing him whole.

The vocalist clenched his fists and looked at his face. His tired eyes stared back at him and it made him angry. He lifted his head and turned it a little, narrowing his eyes as his long, blonde hair framed his features and softened his sharp cheekbones. He growled at the sight.

_Too soft!_

_Too weak!_

_Too helpless!_

''Fuck!'', he yelled, wanting to smash the mirror. He panted as he thought of the guitarist's words that had been lingered in the back of his mind since yesterday's practice.

_''Focus on the darkness. The anger. The hatred.''_

With a furious move he shook his head and let his hair fall over his face, almost covering his view as he searched for his makeup.

_I am darkness_

As soon as he found it he began painting his face, smearing the white base over his skin and feeling his heart beat slower the more he got covered and transformed. The black got into his eyes, burning them and making him blink hard, but he didn't care. He wiped away the few tears that escaped his eyes from the stinging sensation, furious to see how they had already began to leave traces on his white cheek, revealing the skin underneath.

The frontman hardened his gaze and continued painting his eyes, darkening them with a forceful hand. After finishing his look he straightened himself up and studied his appearance. His corpse painted reflection stared back at him, hollow and lifeless. He looked over at the closet where his necklaces was hanging on the door handle and he snatched them off and put them on himself. The upside down cross felt heavy and cold against his chest and he breathed in deeply and began feeling close to satisfied.

_I am anger_

With quick, determined steps, Dead walked out of the bathroom and down the stairs. He didn't hesitate as he opened the front door and stepped naked outside. The darkness was beginning to linger in the mornings and the vocalist closed his eyes as the cold air made his skin tingle. He shivered slightly and looked up at the sky, searching for the moon. As soon as he saw it, he felt a calmness flow over his body and he stared in fascination at the pale moonlight. The longer he gazed at the round, glowing shape in the dark sky, the more disconnected he felt to the world around him. The feeling made him clench his jaw and straighten his body.

With mixed feelings he tore his eyes away and began walking to the back of the house, grabbing with him the shovel that was leaning against the house wall. His anger needed release and he could feel the hatred grow inside him the more he thought about all the disgusting, worthless people that were going to come and watch them perform later. None of them deserved to hear him scream and watch him tear up his throat with piercing cries. He felt tired of them all. Tired and angry.

_I am hate_

As the vocalist reached the spot behind the house he fell to his knees on the moist dirt. He tossed the shovel down and reached out with both of his hands to touch the filthy earth, feeling it in between his fingers.

He grasped more of it, burying his hands into the dirt and covering them in the cold, soil. He swallowed hard and kept digging his hands deeper in. The shovel laid forgotten next to him as he with almost aggressive movements dug further down, ripping up the ground and feeling the earth become colder and colder the more he got into it. His hands became numb and he struggled to dig up the last part before he could reach what he came for. He hissed as something sharp scratched his hand and tore up the skin on his arm. The sensation made him close his eyes and for a moment he lingered in the feeling of the stinging pain that came from the small wound.

_I am empty_

Once again feeling numb from cold, Dead grasped for the filthy clothes he had buried three days ago. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply as memories of the last few days flowed through his mind. He had been so happy...so calm...so safe...and then...

''...don't think...''', the frontman mumbled and took a better hold of the dirty clothes. As soon as he touched the moist fabric his mind felt still and all his anger, hate and fear disappeared and left him with nothing more to feel.

He pulled up the clothes with his cold hands and looked at them. The sight calmed him even more. He clutched the garments close to him, inhaling the familiar smell of dust and dirt. He stood up, still holding the clothes tight against his naked skin, as he looked around the empty ground outside the house. The only sounds that could be heard was the small rustling of the wind in the treetops.

Slowly, he began putting on his clothes. He hissed at how cold it felt but didn't stop until he was completely dressed. The second he got the last piece of clothing on, he shut his eyes tight and opened his mouth to breathe in the cold morning air. When he opened them again, he raised his head once again to the dark sky where the moon was still shining bright down at him. The sight made him almost smile but he stopped himself just in time.

''...don't feel...'', he whispered, clenching his hands together.

_I am dead_

-

''Good morning'', Euronymous called out from the kitchen as the vocalist came in through the front door.

Dead stopped abruptly at the sound of the guitarist. Normally he wouldn't mind greeting the other man, but today he wasn't ready to talk to anybody yet and just wanted to go up to his room again.

''Where are you going? I've made coffee. Come here'', Euronymous said, arriving with two steaming cups and placing them on the living room table.

Dead sighed quietly at the almost commanding tone.

''How did you sleep...'', the guitarist asked and trailed off as he turned around and saw the frontman in full corpse paint and stage clothes.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes, ''Why are you already wearing that?'', he asked.

Dead just stared at the other man, not knowing what to say. He wanted to scream.

_Isn't this what you want from me Euronymous?!_

_I am what you told me to be!_

_I am darkness! I am hatred! I am emptiness!_

_I AM DEAD!_

''Don't...'', he said quietly, stepping away when the Norwegian man reached out his hand to touch his arm and lean closer.

_Not today..._

_Not now..._

_Please..._

''I just...'', the Swedish man began, keeping his eyes on the ground, ''...I just can't...'', he whispered, feeling a pressure inside his chest as the guitarist stared intensely at him. His presence felt too close and it made him swallow nervously as his throat tightened and his vision began to blur.

''Okay'', Euronymous said suddenly and Dead could hear the rejection in his voice. He carefully looked up at the Norwegian man.

''I understand.'', the guitarist said gently and met his eyes with a soft smile, ''Guess my morning kiss has to wait until later then...at least until after the concert...right?'', he said with a slight insecurity to his tone.

Dead nodded, ''Yes...'', he muttered and lowered his gaze again. His glistening eyes were beginning to dry up and he bit his lip hard until he could see clearly.

''Will you at least come drink coffee with me?'', Euronymous asked, sitting down with his own cup.

The vocalist walked slowly over to the guitarist and took the other cup that was meant for him. The sight of the other man had almost made him crumble and fall, and when Euronymous had tried to touch him, he had almost wanted to throw himself into the Norwegian mans arms and beg him to hold him close until it was all over. He knew however that something like that would never happened. The guitarist had proven that to him yesterday when he had told Dead that he needed him to be strong and not to cry.

_I know he's right!_

_I know that!_

_...I just wish he wasn't_

Dead clutched the warm cup in his hand as he thought of how Euronymous had held him close during the night, allowing him to shed a few more tears, before drifting off into a restless sleep. He had woken up in the early morning in almost the same position, still with the other mans arms tight around him. At first everything had seemed normal inside him until he slowly started thinking about the day that was to come. His stomach had tightened as he thought about meeting Varg again and he had felt anger, pain and hurt not only towards their new bassist, but also to the man behind him who was holding him so lovingly.

_Why did you allow him into our house Euronymous?_

_You knew I didn't like him! Knew I didn't trust him!_

The Swedish man tried telling himself that it wasn't Euronymous' fault that the horrible event had happened. The guitarist had done the best he could and deep down the frontman knew that. He just couldn't help feeling left aside, feeling as if the other man just wanted him to pull himself together and hide his emotions, when all he really needed was to be met with love and comfort after so much humiliation. He didn't think it was too much to ask for to be able to cry freely in his own home in the arms of the man who was suppose to understand what he had gone through...what THEY had gone through.

Dead held the coffee cup even tighter as his breath sped up slightly. He shot a glance over at the Norwegian man who was silently sipping his hot drink. The guitarist suddenly turned his head and met his eyes. Dead blinked, lost in his own thoughts. The warm, slightly hesitant smile that the other man gave him pulled him back to reality and made his heart flutter.

_Euronymous please..._

He gave the guitarist a small smile back to show that he knew he was putting up a cold front, and he hoped that the Norwegian man understood that it was necessary for him to be left alone.

_Just one smile...one touch...one kiss...and I'll bend and break for you...._

Dead looked away and lowered his eyes.

_...I can be strong Euronymous..._

_I'll show you today..._

_You will see my anger..._

_You will see my hate..._

_...and you won't see my tears!_

''I wonder when Hellhammer will call...'', Euronymous mumbled thoughtfully.

Dead shrugged, not knowing what to say. He wanted to think as little as possible.

''I hope it won't be too long...I know it's early, but I'm feeling kinda restless...guess that's why I couldn't sleep any longer....'', the guitarist continued as he finished the rest of his coffee, ''...are you sure you're okay?''.

Dead nodded and looked at the Norwegian man, ''I'm fine...'', he said quietly.

''Okay. Good. I just...I mean, I understand if you feel nervous....'', Euronymous said with a soft smile.

The frontman swallowed hard and drank from his cup.

_Please stop Euronymous..._

_...just let me be..._

_...let me be so I don't have to think..._

_...don't have to feel..._

''I trust you Dead. You know that.... I trust you to deliver a good show for us...regardless of that cunt that will be playing on stage next to you...and the same goes for Bergen too...I know you can do it.'', the guitarist said quietly, staring intensely at the Swedish man.

Dead felt a lump in his throat at the mention of Bergen, ''Euronymous...'', he whispered hoarsely.

''I know, I'm sorry. We won't talk of it now. But I want you to know that I told Varg that he is out of the band when we come back...'', Euronymous said, standing up.

The vocalist looked at the Norwegian man, ''...really?'', he asked in almost disbelief.

Euronymous stopped on his way to the kitchen, ''Did you really think I was going to let him stay?'', he said, raising his eyebrows.

Dead blinked, ''...no...'', he said hesitantly, ''...but what about the video...and what are we going to do without a bass player?''.

Euronymous smiled sadly at the blonde man, ''I don't want you to worry about that now...okay?'', he said, coming over to crouch down in front of the Swede.

''When the time comes, I will have another talk with Varg..and...I don't really know how, okay, but I promise you that the tape will not be seen by anyone else...it WILL be destroyed. I'll make sure of that...'', the guitarist said calmly, taking one of Dead's hands in his own before he could react and pull it away.

Dead had to bite his lip hard again. The sincerity from the other man made his insides feel warm and his heart beat fast from the small touch on his hand.

''...as for a new bass player...'', Euronymous sighed a little defeated, ''I have no fucking idea...'', he shrugged.

''Let's just get these asshole days over with first, alright?'', the guitarist smiled and kissed the Swedish mans hand before standing up again.

The kiss lingered for a long time on the frontman's skin. The feeling of Euronymous soft lips against his hand made his body ache for more. It felt so good hearing the care in the other mans voice and the relief had washed over him at the mention of Varg leaving the band after Bergen.

_Just a few more days...a few more fucking days...then no more Varg..._

A new fire sparked inside the frontman and he straighten himself up and felt his confident rise. Although he was still a little worried about the upcoming days and meeting the bassist, he refused to let those emotions take a hold of him.

_I can do this! I can stay strong!_

A part of him wanted to throw himself at the guitarist as he returned with a couple of sandwiches to them. But as soon as he imagined how it would feel to have the Norwegian mans safe arms around him, he felt his eyes begin to glisten and he hastily looked away until the warmth inside him had been suppressed.

He restlessly lifted the hand that Euronymous had kissed and ran it through his hair. It was as if the skin there was still burning and tingling after the soft, loving touch.

_I wished he hadn't kissed me..._

He tried to retrieve his evil thoughts of hate and darkness. It was essential for him to hold on to his dark side today and not show his true emotions.

_Tell me to be strong Euronymous!_

_I can handle it today!_

_TELL ME!_

''I know you're probably not the least bit hungry, but try to eat at a little, okay?'', Euronymous said firmly as he took one sandwich for himself before pushing the plate over to Dead.

Dead swallowed and looked at the food. The guitarist was right, he wasn't at all hungry and the thought of trying to force something down made him sick.

''You need your strength today Dead, you know that. You need to be strong. To feel strong.'', the Norwegian man said, looking at the vocalist.

Dead met the guitarist's eyes and nodded slowly.

_Yes..._

The frontman sighed and licked his lips. He could already feel the nausea settle in his stomach as he reached out to grab one of the sandwiches. He shot a look at the other man who was restlessly drumming his fingers on the couch as he ate.

_He's nervous..._

Dead hesitated before starting to eat too. He made sure to take small bites and swallow them quickly so the taste wouldn't linger in his mouth and make him want to throw up. He kept watching Euronymous from the corner of his eye and his heart beat fast at the anxious state the other man was in. It wasn't often he saw the Norwegian man like this.

… _.have I ever really seen him so on edge?_

_I can't really blame him though..._

Dead felt his pulse rise. He didn't like seeing Euronymous this way. It made him feel nervous too and he wanted the other mans arms wrapped around him as a shield. He had become addicted to the guitarist' strength and confidence because it made him feel so safe and protected. No matter how far out in to the cold darkness his thoughts would wander, he knew that the Norwegian man would pull him back into his warmth.

_But not today..._

The vocalist finished the last of his sandwich and stood up. He gave Euronymous a small nod before heading for the front door to go outside again. If he was to stay strong for the rest of the day he needed to do it the only way he knew how, by emptying his heart, and emptying his mind.

_...today I will give you my strength..._

...and _stay dead..._

Euronymous chewed on his lip as he watched the Swedish man walk out the door. He tried not to be worried about Dead and his anti social behavior.

_It's just a part of who he is..._

The guitarist sighed and took the empty plate and the two cups with him on his way back to the kitchen. He tossed them into the dish washer as he kept thinking about the vocalist's silent front. He had felt the darkness from the blonde man the minute he had turned around earlier and seen how the Swede already had put on his stage clothes and makeup.

Euronymous was familiar to Dead's dark and morbid mindset, and he understood the other mans need to feel it close to his body when they were performing. He had however never seen the vocalist in full gear so early before, and when he was met with rejection as he tried to touch the Swede, he realized that this was more than just the normal darkness that was occupying the frontman's mind.

But even though the vocalist had seemed slightly vacant as he talked to him, he had also seen another confidence in the Swedish man that definitely wasn't there yesterday. His posture had seemed straighter, his gaze harder and in general he had seem more...

_..Stronger_

Euronymous smiled bitterly at the thought.

_Looks like I got what I wanted..._

The guitarist nervously leaned against the counter as he tried telling himself that this was a good thing. They both needed to stay in focus today and not lose their minds to anxiety. He knew he also had to pull himself hard together too. Yesterday's band practice had taken its toll on him and he thought fearfully at how Varg had forcefully pushed him down and threatened him at the end when they were alone. He truly dreaded having to talk to the younger man again, but he was determined to still do it at the end of their Bergen trip.

Euronymous breathed in deeply and closed his eyes to gather his own inner darkness and anger. He stayed still and didn't open his eyes again until he felt his inside boil furiously. With quick steps he walked out into the living room and stared out the window. He spotted the vocalist and saw that he was just about to enter the woods. Euronymous followed him with his eyes until he disappeared behind the tall trees. For a small moment he felt his newly gathered anger turn to sorrow.

He recalled how he had told the frontman the day before to focus on the darkness and to feed on it. But now he just hoped it wouldn't devour the blonde man completely...

_...don't stay in it too long Dead..._

_...come back to the light when we're done today..._

… _come back to me._

Dead felt like moving quickly. He wanted to run through the woods, far away from everything, but instead he kept his pace slow and his pulse low. He needed to stay calm and in control, and not let his emotions get the best of him.

The vocalist didn't know when they were leaving but he expected it to happen soon so he knew he couldn't wander too far off. He lingered around the trees nearby the house until he stopped in front of a thick, old trunk. He put his back to it and let himself slowly slide down until he was sitting against it on the ground. He absentmindedly let his hands grasp the leaves and the grass next to him.

His hands were still dirty from earlier when he had used them to dig up his clothes and somehow that gave him a slight relief. He didn't want to feel pretty today and didn't care about looking good for anyone. He had never really done that anyway...never had a reason for it...

_Why should I ever care?_

He didn't know why he asked himself that question. He already knew the answer.

_Euronymous..._

The frontman grabbed harder unto the grass and began tearing it up from the ground.

_Not today...!_

Today he needed to feel filthy, hideous and frightful. He wanted his audience to look at him with disgust and displease.

_Unattractive... and unlovable..._

The Swedish man took a handful of dirt in each hand and lifted them up before dragging them through his soft hair. He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair again, feeling how tangled and unclean it had become from the mold.

_I'm sorry Euronymous..._

He felt a small pang of guilt from what he had just done after thinking about how the guitarist had washed his hair so lovingly the day before. He once again couldn't hold back the small smile that appeared on his face at the memory. He loved being treated so gentle and with care.

_...but that was yesterday._

Dead looked at his hands and felt his smile disappear. He wished he could cut today. Wished he could feel the much needed release of pain and blood. But he knew it was impossible. He couldn't risk disobeying Euronymous like that. Instead, he would make sure that he got drenched in the fake blood and be covered in it so he could close his eyes and pretend that it was real.

A low rumbling sound a small distance away told him that Hellhammer was arriving in the big van they used on show days to carry all their equipment.

_Fuck..._

He was sure that the drummer had picked up Varg on the way so that the bassist was here too.

_...be still my beating heart...be still..._

His pulse wanted to quicken but he refused to listen to it. Instead he stood up from the ground without letting himself think anymore and walked with quick, determined steps back to the house.

Inside his car, Hellhammer pushed the car horn two times to show that he was here before going outside to lit up a cigarette.

''Nice day'', the drummer said, looking up at the clear sky as Varg stepped outside of the car too.

''Yeah, sure'', the bassist mumbled uninterested, scanning the house for any life sign. His heart pounded and he had to hide his grin when he saw the front door go up and Euronymous step outside.

''Hey!'', Hellhammer smiled at the guitarist, ''Where's Dead?'', he asked, looking behind the other man to see if the vocalist came out.

''Uh, he'll be here. His out in the woods.'', Euronymous muttered, shooting a nervous glance over at Varg who met his eyes.

The guitarist swallowed and looked away before straightening himself up.

''He's out and about to get in the mood for today,huh?'', Hellhammer grinned and almost dropped his cigarette when he saw the frontman suddenly come out from behind the trees.

''Oh fuck man!'', Hellhammer chuckled nervously, pointing at Dead, ''Talk about getting in the mood yeah...shit dude...'', he laughed sheepishly, feeling a little embarrassed at how he had so obviously jumped back at the sight of the blonde man all dressed up in his gear.

Euronymous watched Dead come towards them and he narrowed his eyes a little as he saw how the Swedish man had covered himself in dirt and filth. He tried to meet the vocalist's eyes but Dead refused to look at him and instead just kept his head up and walked straight up to them without saying a word.

''Nice'', Hellhammer said, sounding a little impressed as he reached out a hand to lightly grasp some of the frontman's dirty hair.

Euronymous automatically took one step forward and opened his mouth to say something, ready for a reaction from the Swedish man at being touched so suddenly. He froze when all he saw was a small twitch in one of Dead's hand but no other sign of discomfort. He doubted even Hellhammer had noticed anything.

_But I know you noticed it you cunt..._

The guitarist turned to sent the bassist a poisonous glare as he saw how the younger man was smirking at Dead.

''This is so cool!'', Hellhammer smiled, letting go of Dead's blonde hair as he spotted the Swede's hands, ''I'm digging the whole 'return of the living dead' vibe you got here...looks like you literally dug your way out of a grave!'', the drummer laughed.

''But seriously though...how are you? You feeling better today?'', Hellhammer asked more sincerely, looking at the frontman.

Dead turned his head and stared intensely at him before giving him a small nod.

Hellhammer finished his cigarette and tossed it on the ground, ''So you're ready to give them hell?'', he smirked, referring to the show in the evening.

Dead nodded again, ''Yes'', he said determined.

''Awesome...'', the drummer said, trying to keep the smile on his face as he glanced over at the guitarist who was just staring out into the air.

_Something is still not right here..._

_...are they still fighting?_

Hellhammer had already decided the day before not to ask his band members about what was going on. Instead he took it upon himself to keep up the mood and avoid any tension until they were out and performing on stage.

_Maybe that's all they need....to lose themselves in music...let out a little steam..._

The drummer licked his lips unconsciously at the thought and stared at the vocalist again.

_Guess that's why he's already in stage clothes...he can't wait to perform._

Hellhammer smiled a little to himself.

_Dead and his darkness..._

He rolled his eyes and sighed, ''Alright, so, I got more blood in case anyone cares to know'', he said in fake disappointment at how nobody had asked him about it.

Euronymous turned to him with a smirk, ''Great!', he said and gave the drummer a pat on the back.

''Think you got enough of it to do what we planned?'', the guitarist asked, crossing his arms.

Hellhammer snorted and walked to the back of his car to open the back doors and reveal two large boxed filled with bags of blood.

''Uh, okay, well, I will say that ought to do it...'', Euronymous muttered as he stepped closer to the bags to pick one up.

''...did you buy everything in the store or something?'', Varg questioned, coming up behind Euronymous.

The guitarist tensed at the other mans presence.

''...Uh...no...kinda...yes...I dunno...'', Hellhammer mumbled, ''I just wanted to make sure you know!'', he grinned in defense.

''You could literally fill a bathtub with this shit and put Dead in it'', Varg laughed and put a hand on Euronymous shoulder.

Euronymous dropped the bag he was holding in his hand, feeling suddenly disgusted by the sight of the blood. The younger man's touch felt heavy on him and he had to fight down the urge not to push the bassist hard away and tell him to get those revolting images of Dead out of his head.

Hellhammer chuckled and closed the back doors as he thought about what Varg had just said. He shot a quick look over at the vocalist as he pictured the frontman naked, in a bathtub covered in blood.

_Stop it..._

The drummer hurriedly looked away and his eyes landed on Euronymous who was still standing next to him with Varg's hand on his shoulder. He bit his lip thoughtfully and wondered for a second if the guitarist liked the idea of seeing the Swedish man in that situation.

_...does that turn him on?_

_...is that something they would do...like, together....?_

He kicked himself mentally at his sudden curiosity.

_DUDE!_

_Don't even go there!_

''Okay then!'', Hellhammer said loudly, ''What do we need to bring with us?''.

He was more than ready to get things going.

''Oh, by the way, I was thinking we could take all the leftover blood to Bergen, so we don't have to worry about that there...kinda why I got so much...'', Hellhammer said, looking a little unsure at Euronymous.

The guitarist took the opportunity to shake of Varg's hand, ''Yeah, good thinking!'', he said, trying to sound enthusiastic as he stepped away from the bassist to stand next to Dead.

Hellhammer grinned, feeling a little proud of himself, ''When are we leaving anyway tomorrow? I don't think we really discussed it any further, and, I mean, it's getting pretty close...'', he trailed off.

Euronymous was about to say something before he was interrupted by Varg who once again stepped uncomfortably close to him and Dead.

''Don't worry my friend. I've got you all covered'', the younger man said, reaching in to his pocket and pulling out three prepaid train tickets before handing them over to Euronymous with a slick smile.

''Dude, these are first class! Are you fucking kidding me?!'', Hellhammer beamed, snatching one of the tickets from the guitarist's hand.

The drummer's smile suddenly faded, ''...can we afford this?'', he asked, a little discouraged.

''Like I said, I've got you covered'', Varg smiled.

''Did you hear that Euronymous? We're riding royal tomorrow!'', Hellhammer chuckled, slapping the guitarist on the back.

Euronymous looked at the other man with a strained smile.

_...What are you up to Varg?_

''But, uh, like...where are we going to stay?'', Hellhammer wondered, still looking happily at the ticket in his hand

''Well...'', Varg began.

''Don't tell me you've got that covered too!'', the drummer laughed in disbelief.

''How does two nights in a comfortable hotel bed sound?'', the bassist smirked, putting one arm over the vocalist's shoulder and the other over the guitarist next to him.

''Too good!'', Hellhammer grinned.

''Of course, I had to be reasonable with the expenses you know, so I figured you will get your own room, while these two here...'', Varg said, squeezing the shoulders of his two band members, ''...could share one together, you know, since they're already used to living so close...'', the younger man said in a low voice, stepping away from Dead and Euronymous.

''This is insane man....fuck'', Hellhammer mumbled in awe, not noticing how dark the bassist tone had gotten at the end.

''You know, I still think we got to pay him back in some way...'', the drummer turned to Euronymous, ''...maybe buy a beer case or something...no wait, he's not into that shit...hmm...coffee maybe then....?'', Hellhammer questioned, looking thoughtfully at the guitarist while wondering what sort of coffee brand the younger man might prefer.

Varg chuckled, ''No reason to worry about that. This is my thanks to you for letting me join your band.'', he said, looking Euronymous in the eyes, ''...but if there is ever something I could need....I'll let you know...'', the bassist smirked and shifted his gaze over to the vocalist who had been silent throughout the entire conversation.

Euronymous had to swallow down his fear and anger as he met Varg's eyes.

_I knew it..._

The guitarist also looked over at the frontman, wishing he could read his mind. Dead's empty stare revealed nothing and a part of Euronymous was grateful for this. Another part of him however felt a shiver run down his spine as he prayed that by the end of the day when he looked into the Swedish man's eyes, they would feel warm and soft, and not hollow and cold as they looked back at him.

Dead quietly observed what happened around him. His eyes had followed the three train tickets as they went from the bassist hand over to Euronymous before Hellhammer grabbed one of them to study. As the other talked he had taken the opportunity to glance down at the tickets and his heart had made a small leap as he saw what was written on them.

_Stay calm now_

Unlike the drummer, he didn't get excited because the tickets were first class. The vocalist didn't give a shit about unnecessary luxury like that.

_What a waste of money..._

What had caught Dead's eye was the fact that the tickets were round trip tickets that took them to Bergen and then safe back home again in two days.

_...Why would he buy that to us?_

The minute he heard about Bergen he had gotten a bad feeling in his body. It had grown and settled hard in his stomach the more Varg's presence had lingered around them. The frontman had lost all trust in the bassist ever since that night he violated them in their own home, and he had been terrified of the thought of going to the younger man's home place in fear of something even worse happening.

_I thought we may never return..._

He knew he was being dramatic in his way of thinking, but he had never felt this fear inside him before. Nothing had ever frightened him so much like Varg had done and just seeing him now, feeling him so close, made him want to shrink back and curl up in a corner. He was scared and worried about what the bassist might want from them in Bergen and in his wildest dreams he had imagined them all being locked up somewhere with no chance of escape, forced into playing more of the younger man's sick games.

Dead felt the relieve wash over him now that it had been confirmed that they were actually going back home. He looked over at the guitarist and caught the eye of the other man. Euronymous was staring back at him and Dead couldn't avoid seeing the anxiety shine from his eyes. He had noticed how Euronymous had watched over him today and had felt his tense presence around him when Hellhammer had touched his hair and Varg had leaned on his shoulder.

_He expects me to break..._

Dead clenched his jaw hard together.

_He expects me to cry..._

He angry looked away from the Norwegian man and lifted his head to stare coldly at Varg. His heart beat fast as the younger man suddenly met his gaze with a raised eyebrow. Challenging him to dare look at him any further. Dead swallowed hard at the terrifying smirk on the other mans face before Varg took one step closer to him and made him lower his gaze submissively.

The Swedish man cursed his weakness and had to turn completely around so the other band members wouldn't notice how his eyes were shining. He had seen how the guitarist was able to meet the bassist eyes and he envied that Euronymous managed not to crumble in the other mans presence.

_I'm not gonna break Euronymous!_

_And I'm not gonna cry!_

He felt a sudden urge to say those words out loud to the Norwegian man. He wanted the guitarist to look at him and tell him how proud he was. He wanted to show him that he did this because he told him to. Because he knew it was important.

_Because I care..._

''Alright, lets go get all our shit'', Euronymous said, turning his back to Dead before walking into the house to start carrying out all their needed equipment.

''I think the pigs head are in the freezer...'', Hellhammer mumbled, following the guitarist inside, ''...hey, Euronymous, are the pigs in the freezer?'', he yelled to the other man who had walked upstairs.

A loud crash could be heard coming from the band room and Hellhammer grit his teeth as he heard the unmistakable sound of his drums being smashed into before the guitarist voice yelled down to them, ''Yeah! They're in the freezer!''.

Hellhammer turned to Varg who had come behind him, ''Can you go get them?'', he asked in a strained voice, trying to disguise his irritation.

''Sure'', Varg smirked, ''Want me to place them in the car?'', the bassist wondered, unable to suppress his grin.

''Yes'', Hellhammer said through gritted teeth.

''Alright'', Varg chuckled quietly and left to get the pigs head.

Hellhammer took a deep breath, ''...should I be worried?'', he yelled, impatiently waiting for an answer.

_I swear Euronymous...if anything has happened to my drums..._

He cracked his knuckles and clenched his fists together.

''Hey, sorry about that!'', Euronymous said, sounding a little out of breath as he came running down with his guitar and some other stuff they needed.

''Just please tell me my drums are okay'', Hellhammer said, closing his eyes in frustration.

''Yeah, yeah, chill. I just hit them with my guitar'', Euronymous said and Hellhammer cringed as he pictured his precious drums being knocked around by the other mans stupid instrument.

''Okay...okay...'', the drummer said, opening his eyes, ''Okay, that's not so bad I guess...'', he mumbled.

''Yeah, I suppose...'', Euronymous muttered, ''My guitar's a little broken though...''.

''What?!'', Hellhammer said loudly, looking worried over at Euronymous' guitar.

''Yeah, look...it got this big scratch and shit...'', Euronymous said sadly, pointing at a tiny mark at the bottom of the instrument.

Hellhammer had to take another deep breath, ''….are you fucking kidding me?'', he said, rubbing his face in disbelief.

''What do you mean? I don't want it to be ruined! Do you have any idea what I payed for it?'', Euronymous said offended.

Hellhammer snorted and looked at the guitarist, ''Yeah I do! Nothing! Your dad gave it to you, you spoiled brat!'', he said, throwing his hands out.

Euronymous eyes widened and he opened his mouth to defend himself but the drummer interrupted him.

''The drums upstairs however was paid for by my own fucking money!'', Hellhammer growled angry, pointing his finger up at the second floor.

''...and if I find out that something really is broken...'', the drummer let the sentence hang in the air and narrowed his eyes at the other man who bit his lip uncertain.

''They're fine! I swear!'', Euronymous said, holding his hands up in defeat, before sending his guitar another small sad look.

Hellhammer sighed and shook his head, ''Unbelievable...'', he muttered, glancing worriedly one last time upstairs before deciding to trust the other man on his word.

The drummer turned around and was about to go find Varg and help him before he abruptly stopped as he almost crashed into the frontman who had silently walked in behind them.

''Fuck, dude! ...you have seriously got to stop sneaking up like that!'', Hellhammer sighed as his heart beat fast, ''...can't you at least say something to let people know you're here...you know, like a normal person would...'', he said loudly as he walked away.

Dead quietly followed the drummer with his eyes before focusing his gaze on the guitarist who rolled his eyes dramatically.

''Just ignore him...'', Euronymous said, taking his guitar with him outside.

''...I don't know what the fuck his problem is today... but he's really getting on my nerves...'', the Norwegian man mumbled, turning to the Swede , ''...can you take the other stuff with you?'', he asked.

Dead looked down and grabbed the equipment on the floor before following the guitarist out to the car. Just as he was placing the things inside, he spotted Hellhammer and Varg coming towards them, carrying all the pigs head.

''Alright! I think that's it!'', Hellhammer grinned as he helped putting the last pigs head inside the car.

The vocalist took a step back from the others, not wanting to stay close to either of them. He was expecting the drummer to be sulky and angry like he seemed to be just minutes ago, but instead the other man were all smiles and laughs.

_...how can he be so happy again?_

_...it literally looked like he wanted to beat up Euronymous just moments ago..._

Dead didn't like the drummers fast change of emotions at all.

_..it's not like him to get so angry, is it?_

He knew the other man valued his drums, he understood that, but usually when he was bickering with Euronymous it was a playful undertone there that resulted in a friendly smile at the end. This time though it felt different...

_...he seemed even pissed off at me..._

_...what have I done?_

Dead felt sadness and anxiety creep up inside him. He suddenly became worried that the drummer also would begin fighting with Euronymous and end up leaving them too. He knew that the guitarist could be self-centered in his act, but Hellhammer had always been so patient and understanding around him.

… _.Maybe I'm just being paranoid...maybe he wasn't that mad..._

He nervously looked over at Hellhammer and saw him talking to Varg. He didn't like the way the drummer smiled at the younger man or how good they seemed to be getting along.

_...since when did they get so friendly?_

Dead felt ice cold as he suddenly pictured the two of them joining forces against him and Euronymous, and he swallowed nervously as the drummer threw an arm over the bassist shoulder.

_Fuck..._

The frontman hastily looked over at the guitarist who was busy putting everything in order in the car. Dead thought he could see the Norwegian man sigh deeply and rub his eyes tiredly.

_Maybe we should get rid of Hellhammer..._

''I'm driving!'',Hellhammer yelled and got in to the driver seat.

_...before it's too late..._

Dead saw the bassist open the passenger door in the front and get in next to the drummer. The Swedish man felt his heart beat fast as he saw Hellhammer start the car and grin at Varg who grinned back at him.

_..but then it would just be us..._

_...and Varg_

The vocalist breathed in deeply and looked at Euronymous. The guitarist met his eyes this time and he could see his own suspicious fear reflect back at him.

_He's worried too..._

The Norwegian man stared intensely at him as if he wanted to say something. Instead, he just gave Dead a small nod before getting into the passenger seat at the back of the car. Dead returned the nod, wanting to show that he understood they were in this together, before he too got inside so they could drive off to the next town.

''...so where exactly was this place?'', Hellhammer asked after a while of driving.

Euronymous shrugged, ''Uhm...I think he said something like take a left turn at the first traffic light when we drive into the center of the town...or something like that...'', he said carelessly, looking out the window.

''Okay...'', Hellhammer sighed, watching the guitarist from the rear view mirror.

He didn't really want to say anything more that could come off as angry, but he was growing tired of the other mans slightly inconsiderate attitude.

''...I wish you would have paid more attention when you were told the way...'', Hellhammer said, ''...you know I don't like driving around without knowing were I'm going...''.

Euronymous rolled his eyes, ''...for fuck sake...'', he mumbled and turned to face the drummer, ''...if you're gonna be such a fucking pussy about it then let me drive!'', he said louder.

''What the fuck man...it's not like I'm scared to drive!'', Hellhammer said aggravated, looking angry back at the guitarist.

''Then what's the fucking problem, huh?!'', Euronymous almost yelled.

''I just don't want to waste time driving around in circles!'', the drummer yelled back.

''Whatever you say man...'' the guitarist snorted and turned to look out the window again.

Hellhammer grind his teeth furiously together.

_What the hell just happened!?_

_All I wanted was to know the way!_

He was so pissed off at Euronymous for calling him a pussy like that in front of the others.

_I am NOT a pussy!_

Hellhammer rolled his eyes and glanced over at Varg who returned the eye roll with a smirk.

_...at least I got one sensible person with me today..._

He shot one last look at the backseat where both Dead and Euronymous were sitting quietly, just staring out of their windows.

_Whatever..._

He put the car in a higher gear and pushed the gas pedal, desperately needing to let out some steam.

Dead had done his best to just ignore the loud voices around him. He didn't want to get pulled into the conversation and had kept his eyes locked to the window so he could distract himself by the view outside. When he thought they were done arguing, he carefully looked at the drummer just in time to see him and the bassist share a look together. The Swedish man quickly averted his eyes as fear and anger made his heart slam hard against his chest.

_I knew it!_

Just as he tried to keep his breathing steady he suddenly felt warm fingers gently graze the side of his thigh and he looked down and saw the guitarist's hand rest next to him on the seat. Euronymous was still absentmindedly staring out his own window without looking at him, but the hand discreetly moved closer until it was completely resting against his leg.

Dead swallowed hard as the Norwegian man carefully stroked his thigh with two of his fingers again before holding the hand still against him.

_I told him not today...not now..._

_...but he just can't keep away..._

The frontman didn't know if he should be happy or angry about it. The touch was so small, barley there, and not enough to distract him from his dark mind.

_... but it's still his touch though..._

_Euronymous..._

His leg felt warmer the longer the hand kept resting next to him. A part of him wanted to arch away, but another part yearned for the warmth and comfort the small touch provided.

They drove in tense silence for a while until Hellhammer had to step on the break hard so as not to crash right into the car that suddenly appeared in front of them.

''Motherfucker!'', the drummer shouted, raising one hand in disbelief at the person in the other car who were clearly driving far below the speed limit.

''...no chance of passing this piece of shit either...'', he mumbled, scanning the road for a way around as he drove closer and closer.

''Can you press the horn or blink with the light or something?'', Euronymous asked annoyed, stretching his neck to get a better view of the road.

Hellhammer slammed his hand down on the car horn, making everyone jump at the loud sudden sound. He rapidly began turning the lights on and off at the same time to signalize that he needed to pass.

''Dude, I meant one of the two things! Not both!'', Euronymous exclaimed.

Helhammer turned his head around and looked annoyed at the guitarist before pushing the car horn demonstratively hard again.

Euronymous cringed at the loud noise, ''...and people say I have anger issues...'', he mumbled.

Hellhammer's mouth twitched and the guitarist anxiously thought the other man was going to scream out something insulting, but instead the drummer shook his head and sent him a smirk.

''Fuck you man...'', Hellhammer grinned, continuing to press the horn as the other car didn't seem to make any sign of moving.

Euronymous blinked before he began to chuckle loudly, ''You know, something tells me this ain't working'', he laughed, feeling a little lighter inside.

''Is that cunt going even slower now?! Like, what the fuck man!'', Hellhammer sighed and began pressing the horn irregularly, making it seem like he was playing a beat.

''I'm digging the sound!'', Euronymous grinned, bobbing his head jokingly to the rhythm.

He looked over at the vocalist who was biting his lip hard to suppress a smile.

''I swear if that asshole doesn't move...'', Hellhammer began to growl quietly before Euronymous suddenly stretched out his arm to point out his finger in front of them.

''Look, look! He's moving!'', the guitarist yelled excited.

Hellhammer stepped on the gas pedal again, and as he passed the other car he rolled down his window to flip off what turned out to be a little old lady, looking as if she was about to have a heart attack.

Euronymous grinned, ''You see? I told you my idea would work...'', he smiled, looking pleased with himself.

''Of course you did...'', the drummer sighed and met the frontman's eyes in the rear view mirror.

_All kudos to you Dead for sticking with him..._

_...I don't think I could do it..._

A small shiver ran through him at the thought and he gave the vocalist one last look, wondering what the silent blonde man was thinking about it all, before he focused his eyes back on the road so he could concentrate on driving again.

After another twenty minutes they finally managed to find the place where they were going to play in the evening.

''Okay, you guys start carrying in the equipment and I'll go find the guy who's in charge of this place and tell him that we're here.'', Euronymous said as he got out of the car.

Dead nervously watched the guitarist walk away, leaving him alone with the two others.

_Just focus on yourself and ignore the rest._

He waited until both Hellhammer and Varg had taken as much as they could carry before he looked at what was left in the car.

''Thought you could take the blood'', Hellhammer said, all of a sudden next to him.

Dead tensed up but nodded in understanding.

''You don't have to take it all, okay? Just one box and I think that should do it today. We just have to try, you know.'', the drummer said, giving the vocalist an encouraging smile.

''Okay'', Dead answered under his breath and grabbed one of the boxes.

''Is everything fine...?'', Hellhammer suddenly asked softly.

The vocalist refused to look at the drummer as he only nodded again.

''I just...I mean, you seem so quiet today...like more than usual...and I guess it's probably because you didn't feel well yesterday...but...'', Hellhammer said, gently placing down the things he was carrying, ''...it's all okay at home right? I mean, with you and Euronymous living together...?''.

Dead's breath caught in his throat at the question.

_...why is he suddenly asking that?_

_..has Varg told him anything already?_

''It's okay...you don't have to answer...'', Hellhammer smiled, placing a friendly hand on the frontman's shoulder.

Dead closed his eyes as the nausea hit him at the small touch.

_Don't touch me!_

_I'm not telling you anything!_

''...I know that Euronymous can be a bit...I don't know...harsh, I guess, sometimes... so...if there is ever anything...'', the drummer looked at the Swedish man.

''No...'', Dead whispered, shaking his head quickly.

_Euronymous is not the problem!_

_Stay away from us!_

''Okay then'', Hellhammer nodded with a small smile and grabbed his things again.

He looked back at the Swedish man who was standing frozen at the spot with his hands around the box of blood as if he was afraid to move.

_I know you're not telling me something Dead..._

_...if you have issues with Euronymous then I can help you!_

The drummer felt his irritation grow at the thought of the guitarist, especially now if it turned out that he really was making Dead feel uncomfortable in his own home. He hadn't meant to get so angry earlier today but the other man was beginning to really bother him and it brought out a bad temper in him that he usually preferred to keep locked away.

_...is this what Necro felt too before he got fired?_

Unlike the former bassist, who was more hot headed than him and bound to get his ass kicked out for being so rude and insulting, Helhammer didn't want his relationship with Euronymous to end up so bad that it caused him his job. He loved playing in Mayhem and he loved being friends with both Euronymous and Dead. He just wished he knew why everything felt so wrong all of a sudden...

''Alright, I got the pigs up'', Varg said, coming out the door of the building.

Hellhammer blinked, ''...what?...already?'', he asked, stunned at the bassist's quick work.

''I like to get things done...''', the younger man said, shifting his eyes to the blonde man standing alone by the car.

''Maybe you can get the box from Dead? ...I think he's still feeling a little unwell...'', Hellhammer said.

''Of course'', Varg said in fake sympathy.

The bassist waited until the drummer had gone inside the building before he walked down to the Swedish man.

''Not feeling so good today, are we?'', Varg asked quietly with a smirk as he came up behind the vocalist who was standing with his back against him, leaning on the box of blood in the back of the car.

Dead's heart stopped beating as he felt the younger man press up against his backside and place his hands on either side of him, trapping him on the spot.

_Please don't...please!_

The frontman closed his eyes in terror as he felt the breath of the other man against his cheek.

''I think I know why...'', Varg said, placing one of his hands on top of the Swede's arm, ''...it's because you can't cut...isn't it?''.

Dead stayed quiet as his heart began to pound when the younger mans hand traveled up his arm.

''...I understand you...and I think it's so unfair that you should be denied your deepest...darkest...desire...'', Varg leaned in to whisper in the blonde mans ear.

Dead bit his lip to hold back a whimper.

''If it had been up to me though, I would never have stopped you...'', Varg continued to whisper, now stroking the vocalist's arm on the inside of his sweater, feeling the old scars there.

''...because I know how much it means to you....I understand the release it gives you...I can feel your longing Dead...your longing for a life eternal...with no more pain.'', the bassist almost panted against the other man, pushing harder against him.

Dead shut his eyes tight at the words

 _It's not true!_

''...imagine what it would be like to do it on the place you love the most..on stage..in front of a full crowd... everyone watching you....their eyes locked on your face as you take your last...final...breath...'', Varg breathed hotly before reaching into his pocket to pull out a large, shining knife.

Dead gasped quietly at the sight, his eyes glued to the glistening steel.

''...I sharpened it this morning...'', Varg said with a smirk, letting the blade carefully grace the frontmans arm.

Dead trembled at the touch and it made his stomach turn as he heard the younger man groan softly into his ear.

_Euronymous!_

_Where are you?!_

_Please!_

_Help me!_

''Don't worry, I know what you're thinking; what about Euronymous?'', the bassist smirked, ''...well, you don't have to be concerned about him...I'll make sure he will follow you soon after...''.

Dead let out a choked breath at the thought. His mind beginning to reach full panic mode.

''...I won't even clean the knife before I do it...'', Varg smiled, lowering his voice again, ''...doesn't that sound nice, huh? ...bound by blood...together forever....''.

Dead couldn't hold in his whimper any longer. He felt close to throwing up.

''...think about it...'', Varg said with a wink before placing the knife down in front of the Swedish man.

''What the FUCK do you think you're doing?'', Euronymous' loud voice shot through Dead's panic clouded mind and the frontman lifted his eyes to see the guitarist furiously walk towards them.

_Euronymous!_

''Get away from him!'', Euronymous growled loudly at the bassist who only smiled calmly at him before stepping away from the blonde man and taking the box of blood from his hands.

''There's no reason to get so angry'', Varg said, looking up to see the drummer come out of the door to the building.

Hellhammer lit up a cigarette as he quietly observed the scenery in front of him.

_...what is it now?_

Euronymous had also spotted his other band member and knew he had to keep a low profile.

''Just...go and make yourself useful or something...'', the guitarist hissed at the younger man.

''I've already put up all the pigs head...'', Varg smirked.

''Okay...'', Euronymous muttered impatiently as he wanted to run over to the vocalist and see that he was fine.

''Is that all you have to say?'', Varg asked in a slightly challenging tone.

Euronymous sighed and looked back at the bassist, ''...Thank you...'', he mumbled unenthusiastically, staring hard into the other mans eyes.

Varg smirked, ''You're welcome'', he said, before walking inside the building.

''Dead'', Euronymous said, coming up to the Swedish man as soon as the bassist had left them.

He knew the drummer was still standing there and watching them so he didn't get too close to the frontman.

_I wish I could embrace him..._

_...but he probably wouldn't let me anyway..._

Euronymous looked sadly at the vocalist before he noticed the knife lying in front of him.

''Is that yours?'', the guitarist asked firmly.

Dead shook his head, ''No...'', he whispered, staring frustratingly out into the air.

''Don't lie to me Dead...you know we've brought another dull knife for you to use so you won't harm yourself...'', Euronymous said, looking angry at the sharp blade.

''I'm not lying!'', Dead hissed.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes at the angry tone.

''Okay, well, then why is it here?'', the guitarist asked in a demanding voice.

''Why the fuck do you think?'', the Swedish man said aggravated as he turned to walk away.

''Come here!'', Euronymous said, raising his voice and grabbing the other mans arm.

''Don't touch me!'', Dead yelled, pulling his arm harshly away before walking fast to the door.

The frontman ignored Hellhammer who was sending him a concerned look. He knew his eyes was glistening and he didn't want anyone to see it so he kept his gaze lowered and hastily opened the door to walk inside.

''What?!'', Euronymous asked the drummer furiously as he came up after the vocalist.

''Nothing'', Hellhammer answered coldly back, stumping his cigarette as he too walked inside, leaving Euronymous behind.

The guitarist looked miserably on as the door slammed shut right in front of his face. He felt sad, angry, scared and so alone.

_I just want to go home..._

This was the first time he had ever come close to thinking about leaving a show. He lived for his music, but right now he felt like he had no more life to give. He was so tired of this and it bothered him that he couldn't even go up and get a comforting hug from Dead. All he needed to get him through the day was to feel the other man in his arms, if only for a small moment.

_...but now he barley even looks at me..._

_...and what the fuck is wrong with Hellhammer?_

Euronymous felt angry again at the thought of the drummer.

_Of all the days he chooses to act emotionally unstable!_

The guitarist kicked the ground in frustration. He could really need a friend right now to confide it.

_Clearly I have none..._

He looked at the door, almost dreading to walk inside.

_Fuck this hard!_

He raised his head and straighten up his posture before grabbing the door handle.

_I have a band to lead._

Dead sat on the floor, pouring the blood over on a big bucket. He carefully looked up as the guitarist entered the room, but lowered his eyes again as soon as the other man looked at him.

''What are you doing?'', Euronymous asked in a low voice.

''What does it look like? I'm preparing for the show...'', Dead answered annoyed.

He could hear the guitarist sigh and he felt bad for sounding so cold, but he desperately needed to be left alone now after what had happened outside. The small incident with the bassist had almost made him break, and there was no way he was going to let that happen now that he was so close to performing.

''By putting the blood in a bucket..?'', Euronymous wondered, raising one eyebrow.

Dead didn't like the patronizing tone from the other man.

''Yes. So I can throw it at the audience. Like you wanted, right?'', the frontman said, clenching his jaw in irritation.

_Just leave me alone Euronymous!_

_Please!_

_We can talk after...I promise..._

''Right...'', Euronymous mumbled, looking defeated at the Swedish man who was too occupied with his own things.

The guitarist looked over at his other two band members who seemed to be getting along a little too well for his liking. He could hear them laughing to each other and it made him apprehensive about walking over to them.

Euronymous felt awkward and out of place in the middle of the room with no one to talk to. It wasn't like him to feel so anxious and timid, but when the drummer yelled at him, wondering where he wanted to place the knife they had with them, he had to take a deep breath to gather his thoughts before he found his voice again.

''By the drums as usual'', the guitarist shouted back, hardening his voice to appear more confident than he felt.

''Okay, all set then!'', Hellhammer grinned happily.

''Man, I'm fucking pumped!'', the drummer beamed, clapping his hands together in excitement.

''Yeah, it's gonna be a great. Can't wait to see Dead's show this time'', Varg smirked, staring greedily at the frontman on the floor.

''Me too! ...Hey, is anyone hungry? I thought I saw a pizza place down the street.. what do you guys say?'', Hellhammer asked, coming up to Euronymous.

''Sounds good...we should eat yes...'', the guitarist agreed.

''I'm thinking me and Varg can go order and then bring it back up here...'', the drummer said, ''…because I don't think taking Dead with us outside in public looking like that would be such a great idea...'', Hellhammer grinned and Euronymous had to smile at the thought.

''So what do you say, one portion size for each, right? I know you want your spicy kebab pizza and I ain't touching that shit...'', Hellhammer laughed.

''How can you not like that?!'', the guitarist asked in mock offense.

''You can't even taste anything because of all the spices!'', the drummer exclaimed.

''At least mine doesn't have small, creepy pineapples on it!'', Euronymous said in defense.

''Don't be rude to my pineapples! They are delicious and not creepy!'', Hellhammer shot back.

''They have nothing to do on a pizza!'', Euronymous said loudly.

''What are you, the ruler of pizza topping?'', the drummer snorted.

''How did you know that?!'', Euronymous gasped in fake surprise.

''...can I just get a Margherita?...'', Dead's small voice piped in, making the other two look down at the vocalist who had just finished filling the bucked, spilling a great amount over himself already.

Hellhammer smiled and carefully glanced at the guitarist who had the same look of adoration on his face that he had seen before when he had watched the blonde man.

''Of course you can'', the drummer said softly, getting ready to head out.

''Don't forget the ketchup!'', Dead called.

''...you do know there's, like, a good amount of tomato sauce on the pizza right?'', Hellhammer commented.

Dead narrowed his eyes and looked at the drummer.

''...but I suppose one can never get enough of ketchup!'', Hellhammer hurriedly said, giving the vocalist a nervous smile before going out the door with Varg.

Euronymous turned to the Swedish man as soon as they were alone.

''You relax, okay? ...I'll just sit here and play...I won't talk to you or do anything more...'', the guitarist said, giving the vocalist a small smile as he sat down with his guitar.

The frontman's expression softened and he nodded to show that he appreciated the Norwegian mans gesture.

When Euronymous began to play quietly, Dead felt a smile on his face as the music surrounded him and he looked over at the other man.

''What happened to your guitar?'', he asked with a frown as he spotted the small scratch that he knew hadn't been there before.

''...knocked it into Hellhammer's drums...'', Euronymous mumbled irritated.

''...stupid drums...standing in the way like that....'', Dead muttered, sending the guitarist a sympathetic look.

''I know right!'', Euronymous exclaimed with a deep sigh.

They shared a smile of understanding between them that lighten the mood and made them both feel calmer in each others presence.

Euronymous went back to strum softly on his guitar as he kept one eye on the blonde man who after a while began to hum quietly to the tune he played. The vocalist opened another bag of blood and poured it all over one of his arm, drenching it completely.

The Norwegian man thought about telling the Swede that maybe he should wait until after they had finished eating, but the frontman looked so pleased with himself that he just let him continue covering his arms in the red liquid.

Before he knew it, Euronymous had come up with a new guitar riff and he eagerly played it on repeat so his fingers could memorize it. He usually never needed to write anything down as he was an expert in remembering songs like that. It was one of the things he truly prided himself in and he knew it was an excellent skill to have as a musician.

''Sounds good...'', Dead said quietly, still humming along to the tune as he dipped his hand into the bucket of blood.

''Yeah?'', Euronymous smiled, grimacing a little as the vocalist lifted his hand and let the liquid drip from his fingers down again into the bucket.

The frontman nodded absentmindedly, ''...I wish I could write...'', he mumbled, dipping his hand down one more time.

''Finding inspiration for a new lyric?'', the guitarist asked as he watched the Swede playfully lift his hand up and down into the bucket.

''Yes'', Dead said shortly, licking his lips at the sight of all the blood.

In his mind he pretended it was real and he felt a warm sensation flow through his body. He had felt a similar feeling before, but never so intense, so hot...so arousing almost...

_...it's because he is here with me..._

Dead looked at the Norwegian man, feeling his pulse rise and his heart beat fast as he watched Euronymous' fingers move over the guitar strings.

_Damn it..._

He quickly looked away, not wanting these feelings to settle in his body. He knew that as soon as he started thinking about the other man that way he would be reminded of the shameful event that had happened to them and it made him resent being so close to the guitarist.

_...how could he let that happen!_

Dead panted hard in anger.

_For the last time!_

_It wasn't his fault and you know that!_

''Fuck'', he whispered loudly, making Euronymous stop playing.

''...what?'', the guitarist wondered curiously.

''I just..fuck it...never mind'', Dead muttered, about to get up and go out to get some air.

''We're back!'', Hellhammer yelled as he slammed open the door, carrying with him two pizza boxes and two sodas.

Varg followed close by, holding with him the last two pizzas and sodas.

''Perfect! I'm starving!'', Euronymous grinned, reaching out his hands to eagerly grab the pizza Helhammer handed him.

''...did you get any dressing too?'', the guitarist asked before he opened the box and saw that it already contained a small glass of garlic dressing.

''Thought I would forget didn't you!'', Hellhammer said smugly as he handed Euronymous a small plastic spoon to use with the dressing.

''Fuck you very much!'', Euronymous chuckled as thanks, winking jokingly at the drummer as he accepted the spoon.

Hellhammer laughed and quickly handed Dead his pizza before he began to fumble with his own box.

The guitarist looked at the drummer.

_...is he blushing?_

_...why?_

He shrugged internally, not wanting to stare too much at the other man as he ate. Instead he looked over at the vocalist who was squeezing ketchup out of the small foil packages that were inside his box.

_There must be at least 15 packages in there..._

Euronymous stared in fascination as the frontman took every last package and poured it all over his whole pizza, completely covering it in ketchup.

''...you sure you don't want anymore...?'', Hellhamer mumbled sarcastically to the Swedish man.

''...is there any?'', Dead wondered sincerely, looking up at the drummer.

Hellhammer rolled his eyes hard before he stuck his hand inside his pocket and pulled out two more packages of ketchup.

Dead stretched out his fingers and snatched them from the drummer before pouring them too over his pizza. Finally satisfied, he lifted one of the slices and braced himself to eat. Hoping he was able to get it all down so the others wouldn't comment anything more about his eating habit.

-

The stage was dark around them, only lit up by a pale light shining in the background that was throwing black, eerie shadows over the roaring audience.

Dead screamed into the microphone, his blood and dirt covered arms was grabbing an upside down cross with one hand, while the other was raised high up in the air. His throat was beginning to feel dry but it only made him growl louder, pushing his vocal cords to the limit.

He looked briefly over at the guitarist and met his eyes.

_See me Euronymous!_

_See my darkness!_

_See my strength!_

The frontman raised the upside down cross higher and closed his eyes as he took in the atmosphere that surrounded him. He looked angry out at the crowd in front of him, cursed them loudly and screamed out his darkness.

He shot another look at the guitarist who gave him a short nod back, before he walked over to the drums to grab his knife and the bucket with blood.

As he reached down to take the blade, he hesitated for a small second.

_..this is the knife Varg gave me..._

_...when did he switch them out?_

Dead felt his heart pump faster as he picked up the sharp knife. A new sense of power rushed through him at the feeling of the cold steel in his hand as he walked back to the front of the stage.

He saw the people in front of him eagerly waiting for his next move. His heart pounded as he lifted the knife and placed it against his arm. The bassist words rang in his ear and he almost felt dizzy.

_''...everyone watching you....their eyes locked on your face as you take...''_

_...my last final breath..._

_...I am dead..._

Dead gasped as the knife slowly pierced his skin and he shut his eyes tight and parted his lips as he began to pant hard. It felt good. Too good...

_No!_

With all his will power, he lightened the pressure on his skin and instead let the blade barley grace over his arm in one quick motion, making it look like he was cutting fast and hard. He did it again while continuing to scream into the microphone. Before anyone had time to react he reached down and grabbed the bucket and started to throw the blood over at the crowd. The audience yelled and many jumped back in delightful disgust.

Dead looked coldly at them all. It gave him nothing to see their cheerful faces grin up at him and he breathed hard as he reached out to the nearest pig head and threw it far out into the audience. He began tossing the rest of the rotting heads out as Euronymous started his guitar solo.

Hiding among the fans at the far back of the room, was Necro standing alone and watching the show with narrowed eyes.

_I guess they really are doing the fake blood thing that Euronymous was talking about..._

The former bassist looked on as the blonde man on the stage put on a violent show, with blood throwing and pigs head tossing. He had seen Dead's show many times, but this time there was something different about him. At first he thought it was because of the new act, but the truth was that he had sensed it the moment the band started playing.

_He's darker today...much darker...._

Necro tore his eyes away from the vocalist and instead looked at Euronymous who was playing hard on his guitar.

_...something's off about him too...but what?_

He didn't expect anyone else to notice it, but he had known Euronymous for a long time and had learned pick up on the other mans body language.

_..he's tense...worried...eyes shifting...._

_...is he scared?_

_Yeah right..._

Necro snorted to himself before his face got serious again as he looked at Varg who was standing on the other side of the stage.

_I have to talk to him..._

When the show came to an end, Dead threw the last pig head hard into the crowd as he gave the audience one last angry look before walking off stage.

He could hear them scream after him and it filled him with rage.

''Great show!'', Hellhammer ginned at the frontman as he and Euronymous came backstage a few minutes after.

''Fucking awesome!'', Euronymous said, looking proudly at the Swedish man who was leaning against the wall, breathing hard.

''...I'll be right back...'', the guitarist said suddenly.

''Okay, but where's Varg?'', Hellhammer asked, taking a slice from his left over pizza.

Euronymous shrugged, ''Not sure...guess he'll show up sometime...we shouldn't stay too long, we have to leave early tomorrow too....'', he mumbled tiredly.

''Go get some air, alright?'', the guitarist whispered to Dead as he walked passed him.

The blonde man nodded quietly as he went outside to take in the fresh night air.

Out in the other room, Varg was scanning the location, looking for the former bassist he had managed to spot in the crowd before the other man had retreated further back.

''Hey'', he called out as he finally saw Necro

The other man looked at him with a strained smile before he came over.

''Hey...'', Necro began before he was grabbed harshly by the arm.

''I hope you haven't told anyone about our little plan'', Varg said in a low threateningly voice.

''What the fuck man? Get off me!'', Necro snapped, pushing the younger man away from him.

Varg looked like he was about to yell at him before he pulled himself together and put on a fake smile.

''I just have to be sure, you know...'', the bassist said.

''Do you think I'm stupid or something? Of course I haven't said anything, idiot...'', Necro hissed, not caring how the other man was clenching his hands together at the insult.

''Just tell me what the fuck you have done, alright?'', Necro said impatiently.

Varg smirked, ''Why would I tell you that?'', he said, leaning in closer to the other man.

''Uh, because I have a right to know! Don't you think?'', Necro said, rolling his eyes.

''No you don't'', Varg said calmly.

''Excuse me?!'', Necro growled, getting more and more irritated.

''Now, why exactly do you feel like you have a right to know all this?'', Varg smirked, licking his lips at the sight of the angry man in front of him.

Necro shook his head in disbelief, ''Because I've helped you! Because I've seen that whatever it is you've done has clearly fucked with them! Because they're my friends and I...''.

''...your friends?'', Varg shot in, interrupting the other man.

Necro stopped talking and looked uncertain at the bassist.

''I really didn't think you still regarded them as your friends...'', Varg smiled coldly, ''...from the last time I recall hearing your name being mentioned, Euronymous called you a traitor, loud and clear in front of the rest of us.... ''.

Necro lowered his eyes as he tried to keep his breathing under control. He was boiling in rage.

''...now I'm not sure about Hellhammer...but I could clearly see a big grin on Dead's face as Euronymous kept throwing out insults at you...telling us all what a shitty bass player you are...that you had always been the worst of his friends... and how he wished he had never met you...'', Varg whispered out the last words as he placed a warm hand on the other mans shoulder.

''...I can't believe it...that asshole...he would never have gotten this far without me!'', Necro yelled in angry frustration.

''Shh, shh, I know, I know...I believe you...'', Varg said soothingly, stroking the other mans back.

''Fuck! This is bullshit!'', Necro screamed, shaking off the bassist's hand as he began to pace restlessly around.

''I'm sorry'', Varg said, hiding his smile.

''There you are!'', a voice yelled from across the room.

Both Necro and Varg looked over to see Hellhammer come towards them.

''Was wondering where you had gone off to...'', the drummer smiled before he recognized the man next to the bassist.

''Dude!'', Hellhammer grinned happily and gave Necro a big hug.

''Man, what have I told you about doing this out in public, huh?'', Necro joked as he hugged the drummer back.

Hellhammer laughed, releasing the other man.

''You two know each other?'', he asked, looking at the two bass players.

''Kinda, sort of, but not really...'', Necro smirked,''...but how are you?'', he asked, quickly changing the subject.

''I'll leave you two alone'', Varg said with a wink and walked off.

Both Necro and Hellhammer looked after the bassist with one raised eyebrow before their eyes met and they burst out laughing.

''He is just too weird man!'', the drummer chuckled.

''A walking definition of a complete asshole'', Necro agreed.

''...you should see him when he drinks coffee...'', Hellhammer ginned, imitating the younger man by looking snobbishly up in to the air and pretending to drink from an imaginary cup with his little finger sticking out.

Necro almost choked on his laughter, ''For real? Man,that guy has issues!''.

''No joke! The worst part is that he can't even leave one drop behind so he literally licks the bottom of the cup, refusing to walk away before it's so clean that he can basically see his own reflection in it!'', Hellhammer snickered loudly.

''What kind of a freak, ass perfectionist home did he grow up in?'', Necro wondered, unable to stop chuckling quietly.

''Who knows man.'', Hellhammer smiled, looking softly at the other man.

_I really miss him..._

Inside the bathroom, Euronymous bit his hand hard to suppress a moan as he almost furiously pumped his cock fast and hard.

''Yes...'', he groaned quietly against the wall he was leaning into.

The guitarist shut his eyes tight as another wave of guilt washed over him.

''Come on...'', he whispered, urging himself on so he could reach orgasm and be done with it.

He imagined the corpse painted vocalist pressed hard against him, moaning his name as he pounded into him. Seeing Dead perform so dark and dramatic on stage had made him want to fuck the frontman so bad. He was so ashamed of himself for feeling like this, but he couldn't help become aroused from being near the Swedish man's presence.

He moaned as he thought of the blonde mans blood covered arms, his dirty hair and the look of pure hatred shining from his eyes as he gazed out into the roaring crowd.

Euronymous parted his lips and licked them, wishing he could kiss the Swede and lick his whole body. He wanted to make the dark, evil creature tremble underneath him, hear his pleads and see the tears grace his beautiful face.

The guitarist growled and bit his hand even harder as he climaxed at the thought of a tearful Dead begging him to stop.

_NO, NO, NO!_

His eyes shut open and the pleasurable feeling in his body immediately disappeared.

_I don't want that!_

He hurriedly washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. He felt so confused and scared at his own thoughts.

_I want him smiling and moaning in pleasure..._

_...not hurt and crying in pain...because of me!_

_I DON'T WANT THAT!_

_I don't..._

Euronymous stared sorrowfully at his own reflection. He felt so horrible guilty for everything and now he wanted nothing more than to run out and find Dead and hug him tight.

The guitarist slammed open the bathroom door and stepped outside.

''...enjoying yourself?''

Euronymous spun around as he heard the unmistakable smug voice of the bassist behind him.

''It's okay, you know...I understand...'', Varg said, coming up close to the other man.

Euronymous was so tired of this power game and the last thing he wanted now was to be near Varg and his disgusting, lingering presence.

''Just fuck off Varg...'', he mumbled, turning his back on the younger man.

''...I think I might do it...'', Varg said, raising his voice a little as the guitarist began to walk away from him.

Euronymous sighed but stopped walking, ''Do what?'', he asked irritated.

Varg's smirk grew into a full grin as he opened his mouth, ''Fuck Dead''.

The guitarist paled at the words.

''...w-what did you say?'', Euronymous whispered as his legs began shaking so bad he had to steady himself against the wall.

''I think you heard me the first time...but maybe you just want to hear me say it again...'', Varg smiled, ''..I'm going to fuck Dead...'', the bassist said in a quiet voice.

Euronymous shook his head, ''N-no...Varg...no...shut up!''.

''Why so worried? ...I've seen the forbidden lust in your eyes... and now I'm going to do your dirty work for you...just like you usually make people do what you don't have the guts to do yourself...but still yearn for....you should be pleased, you know'', Varg said, slowly walking towards the guitarist.

''I'm gonna beat him...rape him....make him take my thick, large cock over..and over...and over again...'', the bassist said, stopping in front of the other man, ''...until there's nothing more left that's worth fucking...'', he breathed against Euronymous ear.

Euronymous stood speechless pressed against the wall as he heard the younger mans cruel words penetrate his mind.

''Now...you just tell me when you want it...and where you want it...and I'll be ready...'', Varg smirked, leaning back so he could look into Euronymous' eyes, ''...you don't even have to do a thing...conscience clear...only watch...with fulfilling desire...hear his broken pleads for mercy...as I fuck him raw...with your permission, of course...sounds good, doesn't it?''.

Euronymous turned his head and shut his eyes tight when images of the vocalist held down and fucked against his will filled his mind. He saw himself watching from the outside as the bassist large frame towered over the frontman's thin and fragile body. For a micro of a second his cock twitch at the revolting fantasy.

''...think about it...'', Varg said softly before he stepped away from the other man.

Euronymous opened his eyes and breathed harshly. He wanted to scream and fight the bassist as hot rage coursed through his body.

_How DARE he!_

_How DARE he fill my head with his disgusting ideas!_

_How DARE he think that I will turn against Dead!_

The guitarist panted as he saw the Swedish man's smiling face in his mind, laughing and leaning towards him for a kiss...

_...my sweet, beautiful, little demon...._

_I could never!_

Euronymous sank to the floor as the younger man walked away from him with a smirk.

_I promise Dead! I fucking promise!_

_Whatever he says, don't listen to him!_

_I COULD NEVER!  
_

He buried his face against his hands as his body began to shake in anger, ''...never!...'', he said loudly, clenching his jaw tight to stop his trembling.

In the other room, Hellhammer was still out talking to Necro.

''So, how are everyone?'', Necro suddenly asked, trying to sound casual.

''Uh, they're okay, I guess...'', Hellhammer said a little hesitantly.

Necro stared at the drummer, wondering why he sounded a bit uncertain.

_...does he know anything?_

_...could Varg have told him something?_

''So nothing new then...? No big changes..? Dead and Euronymous still the same...?'', Necro asked, fumbling with finding the right words to say.

_I'm so not good at this..._

_As if I care how the fuck they are!_

_...but if Varg has told Hellhammer...does that mean he knows about my part too?_

Hellhammer narrowed his eyes slightly, ''...yeah..they're still the same...nothing new there...'', he said with a nervous smile.

_Why does he suddenly care?_

_...does he know anything about Dead and Euronymous?_

The drummer's heart pounded anxiously as the other man returned his smile with a shrug.

_...does he know that they are...doing stuff...together?_

Even in his private mind he couldn't make himself say the words out loud. It felt weird and awkward and it made his heart beat fast.

''Okay then!'', Necro said loudly.

Hellhammer was about to comment something until he heard Euronymous' voice call for him.

''Hellhammer! We're leaving!'', the guitarist yelled, looking displeased at the sight of the drummer and the former bassist talking together.

''Fuck...'', Hellhammer mumbled, ''Alright man, talk later!'', he sighed, giving Necro a pat on the back as he left.

''Yeah...later fucker!'', Necro grinned and shot one angry look over at Euronymous who was watching him from the other side of the room before he too decided to leave.

''I saw you talking to Necro'', Euronymous said in a cold voice as Hellhammer came up to him.

''Yes..'', Hellhammer sighed, trying to walk past the guitarist. He wasn't in the mood for the other mans anger again.

''What where you talking about?'', Euronymous said suspiciously, placing one hand firmly on the drummers chest to stop him from leaving.

''What the hell Euronymous? What do you want me to say?'', Hellhammer asked aggravated, looking down at the guitarist's hand on his body.

''You tell me!'', Euronymous nearly growled, pushing the drummer more forcefully back.

'''Dude! What is your problem! Just chill!'', Hellhammer said, feeling uncomfortable and uneasy at having the other man so close to him now.

''...Euronymous?'', Dead called out quietly, appearing behind the guitarist.

Hellhammer looked at the frontman and nervously back at Euronymous.

''Yeah...I'm coming...'', Euronymous said, stepping away from the drummer and turning to give the vocalist a small smile.

Hellhammer breathed out, feeling on edge at how intimidated he had become for a moment. Now that the guitarist had backed off of him though, he felt like yelling loudly at the other man. He calmed down however when he saw the Swede softly return the smile from Euronymous before they both left.

_I don't get it!_

_It can't be just Dead that makes him so angry..._

_...but what is it then!?_

Hellhammer saw Varg walk up on stage to pick with him some equipment they had forgotten. He bit his lip thoughtfully as he watched the bassist move around.

_Is it because of him?_

_...but why?_

_That still doesn't make any sense!_

The drummer walked up to the younger man to help him. As far as he was concerned, Varg had only been friendly to him and had mostly kept to himself to focus on the music.

_Maybe Euronymous sees him as some sort of big competition..._

_...so typical...can never appreciate other people being potentially better than him..._

_...asshole..._

Outside, Euronymous carefully placed his guitar in the back of the car before he threw himself inside the backseat. Two seconds later he heard the other car door go up and Dead come in to sit next to him.

Euronymous closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat, ''I really want to go home now...'', he muttered tiredly.

''Me too'', Dead agreed in a quiet voice

''...and kiss you...'', the guitarist breathed out, opening his eyes to look at the blonde man.

Dead lowered his eyes, ''...you can kiss me now...if you want to...'', he whispered, keeping his head down.

Euronymous blinked, not expecting at all to hear those words. He hesitated before he licked his lips and carefully leaned over to the frontman.

Just as their heads almost touched, Dead looked up and turned to face the guitarist so the Norwegian man could capture his lips in a long awaited kiss.

''Oh god yes...'', Euronymous whispered against the vocalist mouth, deepening the kiss and placing one hand gently against the Swedish mans face.

Dead moaned quietly at the warm touch and let the guitarist move his lips hotly against his own.

''Dead...'', Euronymous whispered, pulling away to look at the Swede.

His makeup had become smudged from Euronymous' hand that was stroking his face and the frontman's mouth was smeared in black from the guitarist's own dark corpse painted lips.

Euronymous moaned in lust and claimed Dead's lips again, pressing his body against the blonde man. His hand moved from the Swede's face down over his throat and further down his chest.

The guitarist kiss grew more eager and he began to lean heavily over the other man before he stopped himself.

_Don't scare him now...you have to keep his trust..._

''Euronymous...'', Dead whimpered a little unsure, not wanting anything more to happen.

Euronymous smiled at the vocalist as he gave him one last, soft kiss.

''I have a surprise for you at home'', he said warmly and grinned at the frontman's curious gaze.

''...Is it candy?'', Dead asked, licking his lips at the thought.

''No..'', Euronymous chuckled, ''...but you can have this now.'', he said, pulling out a small hard candy from his pocket.

''Where did you get this?'', Dead asked, narrowing his eyes as he grabbed the treat.

''That's a very good question. I have no idea actually'', the guitarist said with a shrug.

Dead looked suspiciously at the other man before he suddenly remembered, ''Oh yeah, I hid it there!'', he smiled, unwrapping the candy in his hand.

''...why?'', Euronymous asked, smiling back.

''So no one would take it!'', the vocalist answered, putting the candy in his mouth.

''Why didn't you put it in your own jacket?'', Euronymous wondered.

Dead shrugged, ''I dunno....yours was closer...'', he mumbled, happily sucking on the sweet treat.

Euronymous didn't know what to say to that. He couldn't believe this dark creature in front of him could be so fucking adorable...

_..so he trusts me with his candy..._

_...I guess that counts for something_

''Can I have the other one too?'', Dead asked, looking at the guitarist.

''Uh...sure...'', Euronymous mumbled, reaching deeper into his pocket to find another small candy hidden away.

_Unbelievable..._

''Thanks!'', Dead said as the Norwegian man handed him the other candy.

''Okay, ready to fuck off?'', Hellhammer said as he suddenly jumped into the driver seat to start the car.

''More than ready!'', Euronymous sighed, leaning back to close his eyes again so he could rest all the way home.

An hour later, Dead and Euronymous found themselves standing inside their living room, tired and exhausted from the long day.

Dead looked at the guitarist who looked back at him.

''...what?'', Euronymous asked with a small smile.

Dead gave him a shy smile back, ''...what's the surprise?'.

Euronymous laughed and went in to the kitchen.

''Ta-da!'' the Norwegian man said triumphantly as he came out and placed a tin box of food in front of the vocalist who had sat down on the couch.

Dead looked at the canned food and his eyes widened in joy.

''Where did you get this?!'', he beamed, grabbing the box that had Spaghetti and Meatballs written on it.

''I found it the other day when I was searching for chips...and I remembered how much you like that shit..especially those small meatballs...'', Euronymous said, feeling his heart swell at the happy looking Swede.

''Fuck yes...'', Dead whispered, suddenly feeling so hungry.

''Ready to eat then?'', the Norwegian man asked, grabbing the can and heading for the kitchen.

Dead nodded eagerly, following the other man.

''I will heat this up while you go take a quick shower, okay?'', Euronymous said, smirking at the frontmans eye roll.

''Fine...'', Dead mumbled, knowing there was no point in arguing. He looked like a mess and needed to get clean.

''And wash your hair!'', the guitarist yelled after the Swede as he heard him drag himself up the stairs.

''Yeah...yeah...'', Dead sighed annoyed.

Ten minutes later the vocalist appeared in the kitchen again, hair wet and with a makeup free face.

''That was fast...Did you clean your hair too or just put it under the water?'', Euronymous asked, crossing his arms.

''I cleaned it!'', Dead said irritated.

''Alright...if you say so'', the guitarist smirked, placing the food on two plates.

''Can we eat in front of the tv?'', Dead asked, already on his way out into the living room.

Euronymous chuckled, ''I guess so''.

They ate in comfortable silence, watching tv and just feeling relaxed in each others company.

''...oh my god...this was so fucking good...'', Dead moaned in pleasure, feeling so full he could barley move.

''Good to hear'', Euronymous smiled, ''Ready to turn in for the night?''.

The vocalist tensed a little at the thought but nodded reluctantly. He knew there was no way of escaping what was coming to them so he might as well get it over with.

''Lets go then'', the guitarist said, taking the frontmans hand gently to lead him up the stairs.

Up in Euronymous' bedroom, the Norwegian man stripped of his shirt and pants and climbed under the covers.

''Come here'', he mumbled warmly at the Swedish man who followed a little timidly after.

Dead lied in the other mans arms with his head on the guitarist's chest. He could hear Euronymous breathing gradually slow down and he wondered how it was possible to fall asleep so fast.

''Euronymous?'', Dead asked, waking the Norwegian man from his slumber.

''...what?'', Euronymous muttered, looking tiredly at the blonde man with one eye.

Dead bit his lip, feeling insecure all of a sudden.

''What is it?'', the guitarist asked in a more clearer voice, stroking the Swedish mans back.

''...can I sit with you on the train tomorrow?'', Dead asked quietly.

''Since when did you have to ask about that?'', Euronymous questioned.

''I was just wondering!'', Dead said in a louder voice, sounding annoyed again.

Euronymous kissed the frontmans head, ''Of course you can sit with me'', he said calmly.

''Okay'', Dead smiled softly, but Euronymous could feel the small tremble in the vocalist's body.

_...he needs to know he won't end up beside anyone else..._

_...anyone that could hurt him..._

Euronymous hugged the Swedish man tighter.

''Just a few more days Dead....a few more days and then we can relax...and be happy again...'', the guitarist whispered soothingly, kissing the blonde mans head one more time before closing his eyes.

''Yes...'', Dead whispered back, eyes wide open as he looked into the blackened room, feeling the darkness surrounding him and beckoning him closer.

_Darkness is growing..._

_...the eternity opens._

He closed his eyes tight and buried his face hard against the guitarist's neck, wishing he could disappear somewhere far away with the other man, and never return again.

_Forever...together..._

 


	15. Chapter 15

_Where the fuck is he?!_

Euronymous was tripping as he stared anxiously out into the woods where Dead had sneaked off to.

_He knows we have to leave soon!_

_Come on Dead!_

With a deep sigh, the guitarist leaned against his car and impatiently kicked the big bag they were going to take with them. He had woken up early so he could get a quick shower before filling the bag with all the stuff they needed. He knew Dead didn't care for doing any packing so he took it upon himself to make sure they both had enough clothes and other necessities for the next two days.

After putting his guitar in its case and placing it by the front door, he had gone into to the kitchen to make some strong coffee. He was so fucking tired from last nights concert and desperately needed something that would kick his brain into gear. Just as the coffee was finished, he had heard the front door slam and he quickly walked out to see the frontman disappear into the woods.

An hour later, Euronymous still had not seen or heard anything from the Swedish man and he was beginning to get worried.

_If he doesn't show up soon..._

The guitarist bit his lip nervously.

_...what then?_

''Come on Dead...'', Euronymous whispered, looking desperately after any sign of movements among the trees.

His clock showed that if they didn't leave within the next ten minutes they would miss the train.

''You better have a fucking good reason for not being here already...'', Euronymous mumbled irritated.

_...what kind of a reason...?_

He closed his eyes as his heart beat faster.

_Shut the fuck up!_

''That's it'', he said loudly, straightening up to get ready to look for the vocalist.

''Dead!'', the guitarist yelled, walking closer to the trees.

He stopped to listen but didn't hear anything.

''Dead!!'', Euronymous yelled louder, feeling his pulse rise as he came closer to the path that lead into the woods.

He took a deep, shaking breath and began to walk in between the tall trees.

''DEAD!'', the guitarist screamed this time.

He could hear the desperation in his voice betraying the anxiety he felt inside.

''DEAD!!'', Euronymous' voice broke off and he had to stop to pull himself together.

_Don't do this to me..._

_Not now...not ever..._

As he was about to yell one more time, he heard a rustling sound close by and he spun around to see the Swedish man walk towards him.

_That son of a bitch...!_

Euronymous swallowed hard and pushed away the fear that tried to settle in his body.

''Where the fuck have you been?'', the guitarist asked, unable to hide his anger.

''...what?'', Dead mumbled, looking blankly at him.

The Norwegian man sighed, ''You had me worried asshole! ...we have to leave now!'', he said, grabbing the Swede's hand.

_Fuck his hand is so cold..._

''...I just went to the river...'', Dead muttered, pulling his hand away to put up the hood on the big, black sweater he was wearing before putting both of his hands inside the large pockets.

Euronymous looked at how the other man covered his head and lowered his eyes as he began to walk over to the car.

_He wants to hide today...I get it..._

_But he can't hide from me!_

The guitarist ran after the vocalist and took one of his hands outside of the pocket so he could hold it again. He could hear Dead sigh annoyed but he ignored it and locked their fingers together instead.

''Look at me'', Euronymous said to the frontman as they reached the car.

Dead slowly raised his eyes and looked at the Norwegian man.

Euronymous could see the dark circles under the Swede's eyes and he hoped that the vocalist would be able to get some sleep on the long train ride.

''We're going to spend at least seven hours on that train and I have no intention of being ignored all the way to Bergen, okay?'', the guitarist said, leaning closer to stroke the blonde man's arms.

Dead nodded reluctantly.

''It's not like we have to have any big conversations or anything...'', Euronymous said, a little frustrated at the lack of response from the frontman.

''...I just don't want you to shut me out...'', he almost pleaded, looking desperately at the vocalist.

''Okay...'', Dead eventually whispered, lowering his eyes again.

''Okay'', Euronymous whispered back, giving the other man a small nervous smile.

''We have to go...'', Dead mumbled.

''No shit...'', the guitarist smirked, rolling his eyes.

They got into the car and Euronymous looked over at the Swedish man to see that his eyes were glistening.

''Hey...'', he said, placing a soft hand on Dead's shoulder.

Dead shook his head and stared out the window as his body began to tremble.

''It's going to be okay'', Euronymous said, turning the vocalist's head towards him.

''I won't let anything happen to you. I promise'', the Norwegian man smiled sadly at the miserable look on the blonde man's face.

Dead shrugged quietly as Euronymous stroked his face and gently pulled off his hood so he could caress his fingers through his hair. The frontman looked into the eyes of the guitarist and saw sincerity and desperation shine back at him.

_He wants me to believe him. He needs it..._

Dead closed his eyes as the other man leaned in to give him a soft kiss. He moaned quietly. Euronymous' lips always felt good against his own even when he didn't really want any close contact at all.

The Norwegian man pulled back and gave him a small smile before starting the car.

''Fuck, I'm gonna have to drive fast now...'', Euronymous muttered.

Dead knew he should feel guilty for making the guitarist so stressed out but the truth was that he didn't really give a shit. When he had run off to the woods to sit by the river and watch the cold stream of water float by, he had realized that he hadn't felt so calm and relaxed for many days. The quiet sound of the water passing by him had stilled his fast beating heart and he had felt frozen in time. It had taken all his willpower to tear himself away from that peaceful place and brace himself for what he had to do.

_I wish I'd never left..._

Dead bitterly turned his head away from the guitarist to look out his window.

_It's not fair!_

_I never got a say in any of this!_

The vocalist leaned his head against the cool window surface and closed his eyes. He wanted so bad to tell the Norwegian man to turn the car around and go back. The thought made his body shake in frustration and anger.

_What if I refuse to go on the train?!_

_What If I tell them I don't want to do this?!_

_What will they do without me?!_

_Nothing!_

_They're nothing without me!_

_I am Mayhem!_

Dead remembered when Euronymous had told him that a few days ago. The praise had sounded so good in his ear and he cherished being told how important he was to the band. Especially how important Euronymous, his leader, thought he was.

He clenched his jaw and grit his teeth as the rest of that faithful day flashed through his brain. He opened his eyes and breathed in deeply as he watched how the trees outside quickly passed by him the faster the guitarist drove. As the painful memories of Varg and his violation entered his mind he felt a new surprisingly wave of confidence and hatred wash over him.

_I. AM. MAYHEM_

Dead pictured the disgusting smirk on their new bassist face and he shuddered as he could almost feel the younger man's hot breath on his skin like he had done yesterday.

_You will not take that away from me Varg!_

_You will not take anything!_

Dead straighten himself up in a sudden move, making Euronymous look quickly over at him.

''...everything okay?'', the guitarist asked, turning his eyes back on the road since he was driving so fast and needed full focus.

Dead's heart beat fast, ''Yes'', he nodded, thinking about how Varg had encouraged him to cut on stage the day before.

He closed his eyes shortly as unwanted pictures of his and Euronymous' lifeless bodies flashed trough his mind.

_No!_

_This is mine! Mayhem is mine!_

_I will not let you have it!_

Dead looked at the guitarist next to him.

_I'll come with you Euronymous..._

_...just keep your promise..._

_...and don't hurt me..._

''Hey you...'', Euronymous smiled softly, placing one hand over the vocalist's own.

Dead blinked at the warm touch. It felt surprisingly good to feel the Norwegian man's hand on him now.

_Feeling him alive..._

Before he knew it his eyes had begin to water and he had to bite his lip hard to avoid making any sound. He didn't want to hear Euronymous tell him not to cry. He already knew that.

''Just relax Dead'', Euronymous said warmly, alternating between looking at the road and the blonde man next to him.

Dead nodded tearfully.

''I'm trying...'', he whispered, clutching the guitarist's hand in his own.

''I know you are. And I'm so proud of you...you did so good yesterday.'', Euronymous said, keeping his voice low and gentle.

''...thank you...'', Dead breathed out softly.

All thoughts of staying behind and not going on to the train had left his mind. He wanted to perform and show everyone that he was strong enough to do it. He wanted Varg to see that he would not bend and break so easily and that he could not be scared into silence. But most of all he wanted to be with Euronymous and go where he went, no matter where that was.

Dead looked up again at the Norwegian man and studied him quietly as he focused on the road. His long black hair was half covering his face but the vocalist could see a small smile playing on his lips and when the guitarist suddenly turned his head to look quickly at him again, that smile turned into a big grin.

''What are you staring at?'', Euronymous smirked.

Dead blushed at being suddenly caught watching so intensely, ''Uh, I just....nothing...just...you...I guess...'', he mumbled, averting his eyes.

Euronymous chuckled, ''It's okay, you know....I don't mind'', he said with a wink.

The guitarist lifted the hand that was stilling lying on the frontman's leg and let it stroke over the vocalist's arm before letting it rest gently on his shoulder, caressing the Swedish man's neck.

''I'm all yours to look at...'', Euronymous said, smiling with a hint of seriousness in his voice.

Dead licked his lips and sent the Norwegian man a side way glance, ''Okay...'', he muttered sheepishly, ''...good...''.

Euronymous laughed warmly.

_...can't believe this is the same man that soon will cover himself in blood and scream his heart out in front of a full crowd..._

The thought made the guitarist's cock grow in his pants and he shifted in his seat.

_Don't think of that now._

_Just don't._

He smiled again at the other man and tried to keep his focus on how the Swede appeared to him now.

_My sweet, little demon...so shy...so insecure...._

Euronymous' heart swelled at the faint blush he saw on the frontman's face. He wanted to stop the car so he could lean over and kiss him deeply.

_Nothing more...just a kiss..._

_...his soft lips against mine...._

_...his smiling eyes staring at me..._

_...his warm body pressed against my own..._

_...sitting on my lap..._

_...moaning...whimpering..._

_...begging...pleading..._

_...wanting more..._

_...more..._

_...more!_

''No...'', Euronymous whispered, taking his hand abruptly away from the vocalist and placing it on the steering wheel.

He could feel the blonde man carefully look at him and he cursed himself for being so sudden.

''I'm sorry...I just need to focus on the road, you know...we don't have a lot of time...I need to drive faster...'', the guitarist said, hoping he sounded convincing enough.

Dead only nodded next to him and Euronymous wanted to scream at his own lustful mind. He just prayed he hadn't ruined anything and that the Swedish man wouldn't think he didn't want anything to do with him all of a sudden.

_I'll embrace him before we go out..._

_...to show that I care..._

_...stay with me today Dead!_

''Almost there...'', Euronymous muttered, feeling the anxiety slowly creep up on him the closer they came to the train station.

Dead stayed quiet, having turned his head away so the guitarist could no longer see the expression on his face.

Euronymous wished it didn't have to be this way. He wished they could all be happy together and make the best out of their trip. It filled him with sorrow knowing that him and Dead wouldn't enjoy their time together like he would have wanted to.

When Varg first had introduced them to the idea of playing in Bergen he had instantly pictured him and the vocalist sneak off to have sex somewhere without anybody knowing. He would fuck Dead quietly, watch his face as he whimpered in pleasure and kiss him passionately to stifle their moans before they would go out into the streets of Bergen to explore the town in happiness together.

_...and now I'm lucky if I even get a kiss..._

Euronymous pulled miserably into the station and found a parking space. He cursed Dead's darkness and the man who had pushed him further into it. He knew however that Dead had to find his inner strength in it so he could perform for them and not crumble under the pressure of having Varg lurking around. He just desperately wished that it didn't crave so much from him.

_I need you too Dead!_

_Need you here in the light with me!_

He took off his seatbelt and turned to face the blonde man.

''Dead?'', the guitarist said, nervous to see if the Swede was silently crying or not.

The vocalist looked at him and Euronymous saw no tears, only empty, tired eyes staring back at him.

''...you ready?'', he asked quietly.

Euronymous saw a nervous flicker in the frontman's eyes before they turned hollow again.

_Don't Dead..._

He instantly leaned over and wrapped his arms around the blonde man before Dead had any time to react. He hadn't intended the hug to be so tight but the second he felt the Swede in his arms, he knew had to hold him closer. He pulled a little away so he could capture the vocalist's lips softly, and closed his eyes as he felt Dead carefully kiss him back. The guitarist moved their mouths slowly together, not wanting to let go. He didn't know when he would be able to do this again, but he suspected he would have to wait until after the concert that night.

_I hope..._

Yesterday had been tortures for him, being almost unable to kiss and touch the Swedish man. Today he didn't care if Dead wanted his kisses or not, because he desperately needed them to get him through the day's event. He did not want to feel frozen out by the only person he really cared about and he hoped that Dead felt at least a little of the same.

_We have to keep together Dead!_

''Okay...okay...'', Euronymous muttered against the vocalist's lips, preparing himself to let go and go out.

He claimed Dead's soft mouth one more time before pulling slightly away to rest his forehead against the other man's own. The guitarist closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. He didn't want to leave the safety of his car and wished he could just stay like this in a tight embrace with the frontman.

_You're the leader, remember._

_Now go!_

Euronymous straightened up and gave Dead a small smile before getting out of the car. He saw the Swede step outside too and look almost nervously around before pulling up the hood on his sweater again and lean anxiously against the car while the guitarist took out their bag and his guitar case.

''Let's go'', Euronymous said shortly, almost forgetting they had little to no time left before the train would leave.

They walked fast over to where the train was standing and saw Hellhammer and Varg waiting for them.

The drummer was anxiously tapping his foot as he watched them come closer, ''Two minutes Euronymous!'', Hellhammer yelled, widening his eyes as he heard the train whistle.

''Yeah, yeah. Relax!'', Euronymous said breathlessly, stepping on to the train immediately.

''Two fucking more minutes and we would have left without you, you know!'', Hellhammer repeated in frustration, wanting the other man to know he was annoyed with his lateness.

''Can you chill out, we're here aren't we? ...why are you so stressed anyway, it's not like you to freak out like this'', the guitarist said, turning to look at the drummer as he followed behind him.

''I am not freaking out!'', Hellhammer exclaimed loudly.

Euronymous chuckled, '' Right, I totally forgot how your voice always sounds like its riddled with panic and desperation'', he grinned sarcastically.

''Fuck, just, shut up and give me your bag asshole!'', Hellhammer growled, trying to keep his voice calmer

''Why?'', Euronymous questioned.

''So I can place it on top of this shit hole bag shelf well.'', Hellhammer sighed, already lifting up the guitar case.

''...panic and desperation my ass....'', the drummer muttered annoyed, punching the case far back so he could make room for more on the shelf.

Euronymous cringed as he watched nervously how his precious instrument got put away so roughly high above him.

_That better still be there in one piece when this train ride is over!_

He narrowed his eyes at the thought of his guitar being ruined or lost, ''Fine. Just...hang on...'', he said, quickly taking off his leather jacket and giving it to Dead.

''Take this and find us some good seats, okay? Put my jacket on the seat next to you...'', Euronymous said quietly to the vocalist, stroking his arm in a discreet move.

Dead nodded and walked quickly away without looking at the other two band members next to the guitarist.

''Dead's gonna go find us seats...'', Euronymous said, helping the drummer to place the rest of their luggage away.

''Okay. Good! ...We get a big table right, since it's first class?'', the drummer asked, shoving the box of blood he had with him all the way to the back of the shelves so he could put his own bag in front of it.

''Table?'', Euronymous wondered, raising an eyebrow at the sudden random question.

''Yeah, you know. For eating and stuff! ...Because we are going to eat right? I mean, it's like seven hours! And I didn't bring anything!'', Hellhammer asked, hearing himself how his voice actually had a slight hint of panic in it this time.

_Damn you Euronymous!_

''Uh, I don't know man...'', Euronymous blinked, having not really been bothered to worry about whether or not there would be any food serving on the train.

''Fuck...we're gonna starve aren't we!'', Hellhammer muttered, already starting to feel hungry at the thought of potentially not getting anything to eat.

''Relax, of course there's food here, you know that! You've taken the train before! They have this little wagon and shit, remember? With sandwiches and all kinds of crap walking by...'' the guitarist said, smirking at the look of hopelessness in the drummers eyes.

''There won't be any eating of crappy sandwiches today, my friend. I have pre-ordered us a fine lunch, so don't worry about that'', Varg grinned, placing an arm over Hellhammer's shoulder.

Euronymous bit his lip at the sight.

_I wish I knew how good friends they really have become..._

_...can I trust you not to turn your back on us Hellhammer?_

''Oh man, you are the best!'', Hellhammer laughed, turning to give the bassist a quick rough hug before slapping his back strongly and making him lose his balance a little.

''Yes, well. Thank you'', Varg muttered in a strain voice, stepping away from the eager drummer who was punching the air in excitement.

Euronymous smirked carefully but immediately regretted it when his eyes met Varg's cold gaze.

''In fact, let me go check that Dead has actually found us seats in first class and not any other place so there won't be any mix up when the food comes'', the younger man said in a low voice.

Euronymous clenched his hands together, ''I can...'', he began before he was interrupted by the bassist.

''No, no, you stay here and help Hellhammer with the last of our bags.'', Varg said, letting his grin grow wide at the fear he saw in the guitarist's eyes.

''...fuck you...'', Euronymous whispered so quietly he didn't think anybody heard him as the younger man passed by.

''Did you say anything, Euronymous?'', Varg asked softly, coming up close behind him.

Euronymous swallowed hard and shook his head, ''No'', he mumbled, feeling a shiver run through him.

''That's what I thought'', Varg said, losing his smile as he shot the guitarist one quick, dark look before he walked off.

Dead sat anxiously and waited for Euronymous to show up where he had found them a table. He was grasping the guitarist's jacket with one hand on the seat next to him as he watched all the other passengers pass by him. He hoped no one would stop to ask him if they could sit down. The thought of talking to strangers made him nervous even if all he had to say to them was 'No'. He just didn't want to interact with anyone else but Euronymous today until he absolutely had to.

_Please come..._

Dead stretched his neck to see if he could spot the familiar figure of the guitarist and whimpered quietly when he saw nothing.

''You know, I almost didn't expect you to still be here with us today...'', Varg's cold voice suddenly appeared and he felt his body freeze as the bassist slowly sat down on the seat next to him.

Dead wasn't ready to face the younger man. He felt vulnerable enough as it was now, all alone on the train, waiting for it to take him to a place he didn't want to go.

_Please Varg...please go away!_

Without wanting to he made a small sound of helplessness that the bassist clearly picked up on as he tried to move further back in his seat to stay as far away from Varg as possible.

''...don't be scared...'', Varg mumbled with a smile, shifting closer to the blonde man and placing an arm over the back of his seat.

Dead closed his eyes as his heart began to beat fast in his chest. He shook is head with another whimper when he felt the younger man's hand touch his shoulder gently.

''...don't cry Dead....there's no need to..shh...shh now'', Varg said softly, looking intensely at the vocalist who's eyes were starting to glisten with tears.

Varg smirked at the sight, his pulse rising in excitement.

_He's vulnerable today...scared..._

_...perfect..._

''…are you sad because of yesterday?'', the bassist asked quietly, stroking the frontman's back, ''...I understand if you are, you know...because that was a great opportunity I gave you...and it's a shame you didn't take advantage of it, don't you think so?'', he wondered, leaning closer to the Swedish man.

Dead began to pant quietly, wishing desperately for a way out. He stared wide eyed at the table surface, feeling his body tense up in fear as Varg crept closer to him.

''…now you don't have to worry about that...because I'm giving you a new chance today...isn't that wonderful?'', the bassist whispered hotly into the blonde man's ear.

Dead swallowed hard and shut his eyes tight. He was going to have a panic attack. He could feel it.

_I feel sick...I can't breathe...I'm going to faint...!_

_Euronymous!!_

Dead gasped louder and clutched his chest. This was too much for him. His internal voice was screaming at him to stay in the light with the guitarist and his soft kisses and warm embraces, yet his dark subconscious was taking it's toll on him and he could feel it grow stronger and stronger.

_It's my strength....I need my strength...I need my darkness!_

He bit his lip hard before letting out a new gasp that ended in a small choked sob.

_I can't do this anymore!_

_I can't! It's too hard!_

He placed a hand over his mouth to stifle another sob as his body began to tremble hard.

_Euronymous please! I need you! Please!_

''P-please...'', Dead pleaded in a whisper, close to letting the first tear fall as the bassist eyed him in dark lust.

''...shh...shh...'', Varg muttered, licking his lips and inhaling deeply as he felt the arousal grow inside him at being so close to the fragile frontman.

Dead breathed heavily and gasped for breath as the younger man's larger body pressed him closer to the wall, trapping him and forcing him to stay in the claustrophobic darkness of his mind with no chance of escaping.

''Just tell me you'll do it...do it for me...do it for Euronymous...you know that's all he wants...to see you happy...and fulfilling your dreams...he'll be so proud of you...so proud...'', Varg whispered softly, letting two fingers stroke gently through the vocalist's soft hair.

''D-don't...p-please...'', Dead moaned miserably in a trembling voice, arching away from the touch.

''…and you remember my promise, right? You won't be alone, Euronymous will still join you soon after...'', Varg murmured against the Swedish man's face, inhaling his scent and grasping more of the blonde hair in his hand.

A sudden image of him and the guitarist lying ice cold together in a dark grave ran through his mind and he gasped silently at the unwanted feeling of longing for eternal peace.

_No, no, no! Please get out of my head! Please!_

_I don't want that! Not today!_

_It's too dark! I don't want it!_

_I don't..._

Dead sobbed into his hands as the tears began to fall from his closed eyes the more he let his dark thoughts get a grip on him.

_...I don't know what I want! ...I don't know!_

_Life! ...or death?_

_...with Euronymous..._

''Okay...now...I'm gonna go let the people here know what table we have so they know where to serve us our food later...'', Varg said, still keeping his voice soft and calm as he absentmindedly continued to run his fingers through the frontman's hair.

Dead shivered and shook beside him, unable to speak at all. His heart was pounding and his vision was so blurry from tears he could barley see anything at all in front of him.

''...look at you, huh...'', the bassist chuckled, moving away from the vocalist, ''...you be a good boy for me now and sit here...'', Varg smirked as he stood up.

Dead breathed out harshly, ''D-don't c-call me that...'', he hissed tearfully.

''Excuse me?'', Varg said, looking questioningly at him.

Dead had to take another deep breath before he could talk again, ''Don't c-call me that!'', he growled in a trembling voice, wiping his eyes in an angry movement.

Varg snorted, ''What? A good boy?'', he asked mockingly.

The vocalist raised his eyes and looked at the younger man, ''Yes'', he said, feeling the rage build inside him.

_You can not call me that!!_

_Only Euronymous can call me that!!_

''And why not? ...are you telling me that you're not a good boy, then?'', Varg smirked, leaning closer again to the blonde man.

Dead lowered his eyes, not wanting to answer the question.

_I'm Euronymous' good boy!_

_Not yours! So shut up!!_

The thought made him blush a little but deep down it felt so fucking good to stand up for what he meant belonged to him and the guitarist.

_That's our thing!_

_And you will not have it Varg!_

''Alright, you keep your silence. I'll take it as a yes then, that you're not a good boy, but in fact a bad one instead...correct?'', Varg teased in a dark voice.

Dead breathed hard through his tears but managed to raise his eyes again and look directly at the bassist.

''I'm sure you know what happens to bad boys Dead...'', Varg said, letting his voice drop and his smirk disappear.

The vocalist could feel his lip tremble hard as he met the cold stare of the younger man.

''...tell me Dead, what happens to bad boys who disobey their master?'', the bassist growled quietly, leaning in so he was face to face with the Swedish man.

Dead turned his head as his eyes spilled over with fresh tears again.

_You're not my master you cunt!_

''...they get punished, don't they?'', Varg hissed, grabbing the vocalist's face to make him look at him again.

Dead arched back, lifting his own hand to push away the younger man but the bassist took it quickly with his other hand and held it down.

''...they get punished...'', Varg repeated in a harsh whisper, squeezing the frontmans arm hard until he gasped in pain before he roughly let him go.

Dead was left frozen in his seat as Varg walked away from him. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He had been completely taken off guard as the bassist suddenly sat down next to him. Instead of blocking out and empty his mind to what Varg had to say, he had let the other man's words take a hold of him and make him feel helpless and unable to escape.

_This wasn't suppose to happen today_

_I was suppose to stay strong_

_Stay empty_

_Stay dead..._

Dead whimpered as he thought of how the guitarist now would see that he was crying.

_I'm not suppose to cry...I'm not suppose to cry...I'm not suppose to cry...._

_Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!_

The more he tried forcing himself to stop crying, the more frustrated and tired he felt and that only resulted in new warm tears falling down his face.

''Dead?'', Euronymous said suddenly, throwing himself down next to the vocalist.

Dead rushed to look away so that the Norwegian man wouldn't see his face.

''I can see you, you know'', Euronymous murmured.

Dead's heart pounded in his chest. He couldn't hear if the guitarist was mad or not so he waited anxiously for the other man to tell him that he needed to pull himself together and stay strong.

_I'm trying Euronymous!_

''...he said something to you, didn't he?'', Euronymous asked, and Dead could definitely hear the anger in his voice now.

The vocalist held his breath as he nodded weakly.

''That son of a cunt...why can't he just leave us alone for fuck sake...'', the guitarist said furiously, slamming his hand down on the table.

Dead only kept nodding next to him, not daring to speak as he kept his head low.

''...what did he say to you? ...do you want to talk about it?'', Euronymous asked, looking at the tormented expression on the blonde man's face.

Dead shook his head instantly, ''N-no....no...'', he whispered.

''Fuck Dead. You shouldn't have been here alone'', Euronymous hissed.

The frontman wiped his eyes and stared at the guitarist.

_You told me to go! This is not my fault!_

Euronymous looked back at the Swede with a sigh.

_Fucking asshole Varg..._

_...the day has barley started and Dead is already crying..._

_I should have been here with him...._

_I'm sorry Dead!_

_Fuck!_

''Here take this'', Euronymous said, picking up his jacket to pull out his Walkman.

''But...'', Dead began before the guitarist continued to talk.

''It's okay. I don't need it. I know you've lost your own, and we will buy you a new one soon....but just take this now, okay?'', Euronymous said, handing the music player over to the vocalist.

''...okay...'', Dead muttered unsure as he took the Walkman.

''I still need you to be strong today. So, put on the headphones, close your eyes and disappear into the music....I know you can do it. Find your strength again Dead.'', the guitarist smiled.

Dead hesitantly looked back at the Norwegian man.

''Keep them on for the rest of the ride if you have to.'', Euronymous said, gently stroking the Swedish man's lower back so no one could see.

The frontman could feel his pulse lowering and his heart begin to beat at a more steady rhythm. He was grateful for being allowed to just block out the rest of the world, but also guilty because he knew that the Norwegian man didn't want to feel ignored on the train.

_He told me just this morning that he didn't want me to shut him out..._

_..is he testing me now? Will he get angry if I do this?_

Dead started to breathe faster again.

_Stop being so paranoid about everything!_

_You can trust Euronymous!_

''It's okay Dead. I want you to feel relaxed, so if you can manage to get some sleep on the way too that would be even better'', Euronymous said, letting his hand graze the blonde mans leg.

''Yes...'', Dead whispered, getting the Walkman ready.

''So never mind the rest of us now, you just focus on yourself, and when we get to Bergen we will try to stay away from Varg as best as we can, alright?'', the guitarist said.

''Alright'', Dead muttered.

''Good boy'', Euronymous mumbled, stroking the frontman's back one last time before pulling his hand away, ''I'll be right here next to you, always''.

Dead swallowed hard at the words, a small smile playing on the corner of his mouth as he put on the headphones, turned on the music player and closed his eyes, just like Euronymous told him to.

_I'm a good boy for you Euronymous..._

Euronymous knew he had to keep his anger down and try to think of something else for the rest of the day. There was no way of completely avoiding Varg but he had no intention of talking to him at all. He didn't care what Hellhammer would think of him being so cold towards their bassist. He just couldn't care about that now.

_A few more days...a few fucking more days..._

''Yo!'', Hellhammer dumped down on the seat across Dead and looked at both of them.

The drummer nodded towards the Swedish man, ''Is he okay?'', he asked quietly.

Euronymous gave the other man a strained smile, ''Yeah. Just tired....where the fuck have you been?'', he asked, changing the subject quickly.

''Some asshole demanded that I moved a few of our bags from the shelf so he could put his own ones in'', Hellhammer said, rolling his eyes.

''So, did you bend over for him and do it?'', Euronymous smirked.

''...w-what?'', Hellhammer said uncertain, taking him a second to realize that the guitarist was joking, ''No! Fuck that! I told him to fuck off of course!'', the drummer exclaimed loudly, crossing his arms.

''Good! There's more than enough room for that fucker's shit somewhere else'', Euronymous said, sounding annoyed again.

''Yeah!'', Hellhammer agreed, looking thoughtfully out of the window as the train moved faster and faster.

A few minutes later Varg came back and sat down next to the drummer.

''So what exactly have you ordered for us? I hope it's not any super fancy lobster shit or whatever, because I don't do seafood!'', Hellhammer said before the bassist got a chance to speak.

Euronymous snorted, ''Didn't you basically devour those fried shrimps that one time at that shitty restaurant where none of us others could stand to eat?'', he asked, raising an eyebrow.

''Dude, that's different, and you know it'', Hellhammer said.

''Why?'', Euronymous smirked.

''Because they were fried, stupid! And we all know that fried food is good food no matter what! It's like a universal law! Just deal with it!'', the drummer said, looking challenging at the guitarist to see if he dared object.

''Okay, okay! I believe you!'', Euronymous grinned, biting his lip as he shot a glance at the vocalist who was still sitting with his eyes closed next to him.

_That's it Dead...you just keep on relaxing..._

''It's not going to be any seafood'', Varg smiled.

''...too bad though...I could kill for some fried shrimps now...'', Hellhammer mumbled, licking his lips at the thought.

Euronymous groaned at the drummer and sighed heavily before placing his arms on the table and let his head collapse into them.

''What?!'', Hellhammer snapped at the obvious display of irritation from the guitarist.

Euronymous just shrugged, still with his head buried against his arms.

''Are you gonna get a fucking headache again?'', the drummer asked annoyed.

''I will if you don't shut up about those piece of shit shrimps!'', Euronymous said, lifting his head a little so he could look at the other man.

''Hey, that's all on you man! You started it!'', Hellhammer said, pointing his finger accusingly at the guitarist.

''Alright, alright, calm down'', Varg said loudly in a serious tone.

Euronymous rolled his eyes hard and couldn't help smirking as he caught the eye of the drummer who sent him a sheepish smile of disbelief at the way the bassist was raising his hands as a sign for them to be quiet.

_...who the fuck does he think he is?_

''I figured I shouldn't choose anything that could come off as too unfamiliar to you, so I got us all hamburgers...'', Varg said.

''Alright! Burgers!'', Hellhammer cheered.

''...but not just any normal burger...'', the bassist continued, sounding pleased with himself.

The drummer's smile stiffened on his face, ''...what?'', he asked, exchanging a quick look with the guitarist who only grimaced at the younger mans snobbish lifestyle.

''These are gourmet burgers with quality protein'', Varg said knowingly,sending Hellhammer a smug look before he began to explain all about the difference of high quality protein and low quality protein.

Euronymous had to stifle his laugh as the drummer's expression went from mildly interested and curious, to barley able to hold on to the strained smile he was forcing on as the bassist went on and on about his expertise in the world of gourmet food.

During Varg's drawn out speech, Euronymous felt himself sink further and further down into his arms as his eyes grew heavier and heavier. He shifted a little and suddenly found his hip softly press against the vocalist's own hip that was sticking out a little from his seat. The Swedish man was leaning on his elbow on the window frame and had almost sunken completely down on it, making his lower body poke out just slightly over at Euronymous' own seat. The guitarist smiled to himself and opened one eye to look at the blonde man who didn't seem to react at all to the sudden closeness. To Euronymous however it felt wonderful and he cherished the small warmth that came from the frontman's body.

_Just what I needed....thank you Dead..._

The guitarist closed his eyes and blocked out the other two band members as he focused only on the Swede next to him and the comfort his presence gave him.

Fifteen minutes later, the smile on Hellhammer's face was completely gone and had been replaced by a look of sheer boredom as he stared absentmindedly in front of him while the younger man had gone from talking about fancy food to fancy drinks.

''...so I don't know what selection they have here but I'm sure you can find something for everyone's taste I guess...'', Varg said with a sigh.

''Wait, wait, wait...back up there...they serve alcohol here?'', Hellhammer questioned eagerly, finally hearing something that was worth gaining his attention.

''Yes'', Varg answered shortly in a way that told the drummer that he should have known that already.

Hellhammer rolled his eyes internally at the smug tone of the younger man.

_And I thought Euronymous was an arrogant cunt..._

He looked over at the guitarist who was lying completely still with his head buried against his arms on the table.

_Is he actually sleeping...?_

_...or just trying to avoid having to listen to Varg's dreadful conversation...?_

Hellhammer narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.

_...asshole..._

''Okay, lets go!'', the drummer said, gesturing for the younger man to move.

''Okay?'', Varg mumbled as he stood up.

''Yeah, let's go get some alcohol'', Hellhammer said, pushing his way past the bassist.

''You know I don't drink, so I think I'll just stay here...'', Varg said, glancing over at Dead and Euronymous.

''Bullshit. You're already standing, so come on! Besides, I want some of that fancy ass shit, and you're clearly the expert on picking it out'', Hellhammer said, smirking at the younger man.

Varg sighed a little hesitantly.

''...I'll let you buy me a drink'', Hellhammer grinned, wiggling his eyebrows seductively.

The bassist had to laugh at that, ''Fine, but just one!'', he grinned back, shaking his head as the drummer skipped happily past him.

Varg took a moment to stare at Hellhammer as he walked ahead of him.

_Not bad..._

The younger man chewed on his lip as he scanned the drummers body quickly before he turned to look at the sleeping blonde man next to the guitarist.

_...but not even half as good as you are, my dark creature of the night..._

Varg breathed out quietly in lust.

_...I'll have you scream for me again..._

_...don't you worry about that..._

_...it's a promise._

The bassist closed his eyes for a second as dark, lustful images of the frontman on his knees, begging and crying, filled his mind and made him shudder in desire.

''Come on then!'', Hellhammer yelled impatiently after him.

Varg pushed aside his irritation from not being able to stay behind and be alone with Dead and Euronymous now that he got a chance.

''Coming'', he said, putting on a fake smile as he reluctantly walked away from his two band members so he could join the drummer instead.

Euronymous turned silently in his slumber. He had been half aware of what was happening around him but too tired to care about opening his eyes. The last days had been exhausting and it didn't come as a surprise to him that he just collapsed now. For some reason he felt more safe here on the train surrounded by other people than in his own home where Varg could potentially come around any moment. The thought both unnerved him and angered him.

_I should feel safe at my own house!_

He tried not to think of it and just rest now that he had the chance.

_I hope you're getting some sleep too Dead..._

Some time later after getting his alcohol and a new round of informative speech about drink etiquette from Varg, Hellhammer came strolling back to his seat, feeling satisfied with the slight buzz in his body from the drinks he had consumed.

He sat down and stared at Dead and Euronymous who were sleeping in front of him.

_I almost expected them to be sleeping in each others arms when I came back..._

Hellhammer snorted quietly and found himself smiling absentmindedly at the thought before he shook his head and looked away with a small blush.

''The food will be here in ten minutes'', Varg said as he came back.

''Awesome!'', Hellhammer grinned, glad to have something else to think about that would distract him from the thought of his two band members in a soft embrace together.

''Yo, Euronymous!'', the drummer said loudly, stretching out his leg to kick what he hoped was the guitarist.

''…what the..? Did you just kick me asshole?!'', Euronymous shouted as he was abruptly woken from his sleep by a sharp pain in his leg.

''Just paying you back from last time!'', Hellhammer laughed.

Euronymous grinned and flipped off the drummer as he remembered how he had rudely kicked Hellhammer awake from his sleep a few days ago when he had crashed on his couch after a long night of drinking.

''Right, guess that means we're even.'', the guitarist chuckled, stretching his arms while trying to look casually over at Dead who still had his eyes closed and the headphones on, lost in his own world of music.

''Food will be here soon'', Hellhammer said, drumming his fingers excitedly on the table.

''Should probably wake him up then...'', Euronymous muttered, nodding at the frontman.

''Hmm, maybe we should just let him sleep...'', the drummer wondered carefully.

''Why?'', Euronymous asked quickly.

''I don't know...just figured that he's sleeping so good now, feels wrong to wake him up...'', Hellhammer shrugged.

Euronymous wanted to agree with the drummer but he was afraid that if he didn't wake up Dead then Varg would get angry for having wasted food on him.

_I'm sorry Dead..._

''Fuck that...he needs to eat'', Euronymous said, trying to sound careless.

Hellhammer sighed, ''He can eat when we get to Bergen, can't he? Isn't it better to just let him sleep? He was feeling sick just two days ago, he probably needs all the rest he can get now to fully recover.''

_I shouldn't have to be telling you this Euronymous!_

_Stop making it look like I care more about Dead than you do!_

_Stop bullshitting me!_

Euronymous cursed silently to himself and looked over at the bassist who was watching him with an expressionless face.

_Damn it all to hell!_

''I can't gamble on him eating or not when we get there, he needs food now. He can go back to sleep after.'', Euronymous said in a stern voice, giving the drummer a strict look to show that he was putting an end to the discussion

Hellhammer made a small sound of irritation but knew he had to bite his tongue and not say anything when the guitarist raised his voice like that.

Euronymous kept his face of authority on as he gently shook Dead awake just as the food arrived. The Swedish man blinked tiredly, not understanding for a second where he was, before he saw the plate in front of him and the firm look on the guitarist's face as the other man nodded at him to eat.

Dead groaned internally. He couldn't believe Euronymous had woken him up for this. He had been hoping that he could just sleep through it all, and now he couldn't help feeling disappointed and a little hurt at being forced to eat with the others.

_Why did you wake me Euronymous?_

_You told me I could keep the headphones on and disappear!_

The vocalist almost felt like crying again. There was no way he could eat now. No fucking way. He saw all the others around the table were starting on their food and that only made him feel worse. The frontman lifted his gaze to briefly look at Varg who met his eyes instantly.

_Fuck_

Dead felt sick to his stomach at the dark look the younger man gave him.

_He payed for this food...I have to eat...I have to!_

He looked at his plate again.

_It's so much ! I can't eat all that!_

Dead paled at thought of not being able to finish what the bassist had ordered for him.

_He's gonna get so mad...I just know it..._

_..he will think I'm bad....a bad boy...like he said..._

_...and punish me!_

The frontman had to look away as his eyes began to water.

_There's too much pressure! I can't!_

He desperately wished he could at least put the headphones back on so he could block out all the others and just focus on his own food. He glanced desperately over at Euronymous.

_Will he get angry if I put them on again?_

Dead suddenly felt trapped and surrounded by people who only wanted to see him hurt.

_Euronymous doesn't want that!_

_He promised!_

He took a deep breath and looked nervously over at the guitarist again who met his eyes this time. With a trembling move, he slowly lifted his hand and placed it on the headphones he had around his neck, tapping them one time as he stared pleadingly into the eyes of the other man.

_Please understand..._

The relief shined in his eyes when Euronymous gave him the faintest of smile and he knew that he had been allowed to listen to his music again. He hurriedly placed the headphones back on his head, turned up the volume and started to slowly eat the burger in front of him.

Not long after they all had finished eating, a man came around to collect all of their tickets. Dead saw Euronymous take out both of their tickets from his jacket and hand them over to the man who studied them quickly. The vocalist let his eyes scan over the drummer who was impatiently waving his own ticket in front of his face like a small fan, before he looked at Varg who had placed his ticket in clear view on the table in front of him.

Dead's heart pounded in excitement as he tried not to stare too openly at the bassist's ticket who he now discovered wasn't a round trip ticket like the ones they had.

_He's not coming back with us...he's staying in Bergen..._

He tried to cover up the small smile that grew on his face by resting his head in his hand as his heart made a tiny leap of joy at what he had seen. He knew he should be somewhat angry at the fact that their new bassist so obviously were intending on abandoning them already, but he just couldn't care.

_The asshole only wanted his music recorded...he had no intention of staying with us..._

Dead wondered if Euronymous would be angry when he found out that Varg had only used him, or if he too would just feel relieved at getting rid of the younger man without any further confrontation.

_...Varg still has the tape though..._

… _.fuck...._

The frontman felt his stomach turn at the thought. They needed to destroy that tape.

_...was that part of his plan too? To fuck with me and Euronymous?_

_Or did it just seem convenient to him at the time?_

The questions bombarded the frontman's brain and made him feel tense and nervous.

_Stop thinking about it!_

_It's soon all over and you will never see him again!_

Dead bit his lip anxiously as he settled back into his seat and closed his eyes again, not wanting to look at anything anymore.

During the rest of the ride Hellhammer and Varg ended up talking about all things music related. Euronymous wasn't really paying attention to the conversation and only said something if he got a question directed at him. He was feeling nervous the closer they were coming to Bergen and he had kept his hand hidden under his jacket next to the vocalist so he could stroke the Swedish man's leg for comfort. Dead had been keeping his headphones on without looking at him again. Euronymous knew however that by not arching away from his touch, the frontman didn't mind that his hand was caressing his thigh so he didn't feel shut out by the Swede.

The train came to a final stop at the Bergen train station and Euronymous softly shook Dead to get his attention.

''We're here'', he said quietly as Varg and Hellhammer made their way to the luggage department.

''Fuck...'', the vocalist whispered miserably.

''Let's get this over with.'', Euronymous smiled gently as he got up from his seat.

Dead sighed and followed the other man.

''Okay, where to now?'', Hellhammer asked as they were all standing outside on the station with their bags.

''Taxi?'', Varg suggested, already looking for an available car.

''It's your money man...'', the drummer mumbled with a grin.

''Here!'', Varg yelled at them, pointing at the large car next to him.

''Alright, come on!'', Hellhammer smiled cheerfully, feeling happy and excited to be in a new town.

Dead and Euronymous exchanged a dreadful look as they made their way over to the car that neither one of them wanted to get in to.

''What do you think Euronymous, should we go check out the location immediately after dumping our bags at the hotel?'', Hellhammer asked as they drove through the town.

''Yeah, I think so. We only have five hours until showtime so we need to see that everything works as it should.'', Euronymous said.

As Varg paid the taxi driver when they arrived at the hotel, Hellhammer took out all their bags from the car and handed some of them over to Dead and Euronymous who walked inside the building.

''Nice hotel'', Euronymous muttered, looking around the hallway.

''Whatever'', Dead mumbled, throwing himself down on one of the chairs next to the reception.

''Do you want to just stay behind while we go check out where we are playing?'', the guitarist asked, sitting down in the other chair.

Dead gave a careless shrug.

''I know you don't care what the place looks like as long as you can perform there. So it's fine. You can stay here, okay? I'll give you an update when I come back if there's anything concerning your part on the stage'', Euronymous said softly.

Dead nodded carefully at that. He really wanted to just be alone before the show.

''So you'll stay then?'', the guitarist asked again.

''Yes'', Dead said quietly, fidgeting nervously with his hands.

''Good. You take your time alone and relax. Remember, the show yesterday was fucking amazing on your part and I know you can pull it off again today. I'm really proud of you, you know that'', Euronymous said in a low voice.

Dead gave the guitarist a weak smile. He wasn't anxious about performing, but he still dreaded going on stage and see the bassist smirk next to him while his dark words echoed in his head as he held the knife over his arm.

_Give me strength today...give me strength..._

A few minutes later, Varg and Hellhammer came in with the rest of their stuff. The bassist went to the reception to get their room keys while Hellhammer sat himself down on the armrest of Euronymous' chair.

''We're all set,right? I'm fucking pumped!'', the drummer said, looking at his two other band members.

''Uh, yeah, we're good!'', Euronymous nodded, ''...Dead's gonna stay here though and relax while we're checking out the location, alright?''.

''Yeah, yeah, of course. Figured he needed some extra rest anyway'', Hellhammer smiled, sending the Swedish man a sympathetic look.

''Got your keys...so let's go'', Varg said, holding up two key cards for them.

Euronymous wanted to punch the smirk from the younger man's face as he grabbed the card the bassist gave him.

Hellhammer and Varg took the elevator up first with half of their bags before Euronymous and Dead went in with the rest.

''How are you?'', Euronymous asked, punching the button with the number three on that would take them to the third floor.

Dead shrugged and leaned back against the wall, ''...I don't know...'', he sighed quietly.

The guitarist stared at the blonde man, ''I understand'', he said, reaching out to take the vocalist's hand gently and stroke it as they waited for the elevator to stop.

''Hello neighbours!'', Hellhammer greeted them as they stepped out of the elevator.

Euronymous rolled his eyes, ''So we're room to room then?'', he asked, stopping to look at the two doors in front of him.

''Yes you are, so you two better keep it down in there tonight'', Varg said with a teasing wink at Euronymous who narrowed his eyes in anger.

Hellhammer chuckled awkwardly as he felt his face reddening at what the bassist had just said.

_Fuck...he's just joking with them right?_

_He doesn't know what I know, right?_

_Oh my god...why did I have to find out about them!_

_Now I'm gonna be aware of every fucking sound I hear all night!_

_Fuck you Euronymous!_

He kept a strained grin on his face and cringed unwillingly as he met the eyes of the frontman without meaning to. The Swede looked as embarrassed as he felt with a bright blush on his face as he hastily looked down to avoid looking at the drummer.

Hellhammer hurriedly opened up the door to his room and walked inside.

''Wow, dude! Big bed!'', he exclaimed, throwing himself down on it immediately before putting his hands behind his head with a satisfied sigh.

''Oh my...how silly of me...'', Varg said with a smirk as he came in and sat down next to the drummer, placing his hand near the other mans thigh.

''Uh, what do you mean?'', Hellhammer mumbled, feeling a little uncomfortable at the closeness as he moved away from the younger man to sit up straight on the bed again.

''...you just reminded me that I forgot to order singular beds on the other room...'', Varg said, smiling at Dead and Euronymous who had followed inside.

Euronymous grit his teeth but kept quiet.

''Guess that means you two have to share then'', the bassist said with an apologetic shrug.

The guitarist knew the younger man was only trying to embarrass them and make them feel humiliated in front of the drummer.

_Fuck you Varg! I don't give a shit about anything you have to say to me!_

He looked over at Hellhammer who was chewing on his lip and drumming his fingers impatiently on his leg.

''I say we leave now'', Euronymous said in a strict voice, completely ignoring the bassist and his comment about their sleeping situation.

''Yes!'', the drummer said loudly, jumping up from his seat to stand next to the guitarist.

Euronymous turned to Dead, ''Here, take the card and throw in our bag, alright?' I'm taking my guitar with me now and the box of blood '', he said.

''Isn't he coming with us?'', Varg asked, almost unable to disguise his irritation.

''No''. Euronymous said shortly, turning his back on the younger man to walk out with the vocalist.

Varg looked questioningly at Hellhammer who only gave him a shrug.

''Come on man, time to show us the way through the streets of Bergen!'', the drummer said, steering the bassist out of his room and into the elevator.

''See you down in a minute!'', Hellhammer yelled to Euronymous who gave him a thumbs up.

''Do you want me to bring you back anything?'', the guitarist asked the Swedish man who had already entered their room with their bag.

''No'', Dead answered, pulling off his big sweater and throwing it on the chair next to the bed.

Euronymous stared at the action, ''...you sure? You don't want anything to drink? Any chocolate...? ...raspberry candies?''.

Dead sent the guitarist a weird look, ''...raspberry candies?'', he asked.

Euronymous chuckled, ''I just got a sudden urge for it...'', he said sheepishly.

''Didn't think you got urges...'', Dead mumbled and then blushed instantly.

The guitarist had to laugh, ''Oh really?'', he said teasingly.

''I...fuck, shut up! You know what I mean! ...you're not exactly the candy type...'', the frontman muttered embarrassed, avoiding the grinning look on the Norwegian man's face.

Euronymous had to swallow down his words. He wanted to say something more teasing that would fit the mood and lead him closer to the Swede.

_I want to push him down on that bed and make out with him..._

_...strip him off his clothes, part his legs, and tell him that the only sweet thing I really want to eat is his open, wet entrance....so delicious...so tasty..._

_...but I can't..._

The guitarist smiled gently, ''Yeah, I know what you mean'', he only said, wondering if he should lean over and kiss the other man or if he should just go.

_Just go...he doesn't want your touches now...you know that..._

''We won't be too long, I promise. No more than two hours I hope.'', Euronymous said, looking at the vocalist's red lips.

_Fuck I want to kiss him so bad!_

''Okay'', Dead said and turned to grab the remote control for the tv before climbing into bed.

Euronymous stood still for a second, only watching the Swede sink down against the headboard as he scrolled through the channels to find something worth seeing. The guitarist desperately wished he could snuggle up close to the blonde man and just close his eyes and maybe fall asleep next to him.

''So...later then'', Euronymous mumbled quietly.

''Later'', Dead said, barley looking at the Norwegian man as he walked out and closed the door behind him.

It took them about fifteen minutes to walk from the hotel to the place where they were going to play. It was a rock club where Varg had told them other metal bands often used to play and come to be discovered.

''This looks great!'', Hellhammer mumbled to himself as he walked around on the stage and looked out on the room.

''Lighting is perfect...stereo working excellent...microphone check....one, two, one, two...'', he muttered as he grabbed the microphone to speak in to it.

''Satisfied?'', Varg asked, coming up to the drummer.

''Yeah! Only thing though, can we still do the whole blood throwing thing? I mean...It would kinda suck if we can't pull it off ...especially now that Dead isn't cutting anymore...we need something...'', Hellhammer said, sitting down on the edge of the stage.

''Euronymous is talking to the owner now about it. I'm sure it will be okay.'', Varg said, sitting down next to the other man.

''Good...good...'', Hellhammer said quietly.

''...so...how do you really feel about Dead not cutting? Do you think it was wrong of Euronymous to stop him?'', the bassist asked curiously.

Hellhammer shrugged, ''I don't know man. I guess I'm fine either way. As long as Dead can still kick ass on stage, which he can, then I don't really give a fuck I suppose.''.

Varg nodded, ''Yes. We shouldn't encourage anyone to do any sort of self harm. That would be morally wrong of us.''.

''Exactly! Morally wrong!'', Hellhammer repeated, liking the sound of the words.

Varg looked thoughtfully at the drummer.

_He's so naive...so simple..._

_...easy to please...easy to manipulate..._

He had no interest in the other man, yet his power hungry mind couldn't help wondering if he was able to turn the drummer against his two beloved band members if he tried.

_I would have to tread carefully though...one wrong move and I might risk never walking again..._

Varg looked at Hellhammer's muscular arms that he knew could easily break his face if he made a poor choice in his approach.

_He's strong...._

_...too strong maybe..._

_...and perhaps too loyal..._

He narrowed his eyes as Hellhammer smiled warmly at Euronymous who came towards them.

_He would never turn his back on Euronymous..._

_...unlike his good, old friend Necro who sold him out with no regrets...._

Varg smirked at the thought, remembering how angry the former bassist had been at their last meeting. It had given him a hot thrill seeing the other man grow more frustrated when he had refused to tell him what exactly he had done with the revenge he promised.

''Varg!''

The younger man snapped out of his thoughts as the guitarist called his name in an annoyed voice right in front of him.

''Yes, Euronymous?'', he smiled calmly at the other man.

''He told me we can do the blood act if we agree to pay an additional fee in case of any damages.'', Euronymous said, crossing his arms.

Varg rolled his eyes, ''They always want more money...'', he muttered, ''Fine, go run back and tell him it's a deal'', the bassist said, gesturing with his hand for the other man to move.

Euronymous raged on the inside at the commanding tone, ''Okay'', he growled, grinding his teeth together to avoid throwing out insult at the younger man as he stomped back to the owner of the club.

''I'm going out to smoke, we're done here right?'', Hellhammer asked, fishing out his pack of cigarettes from his jacket.

''Think so'', Varg said.

''Alright, waiting for you outside then.'', the drummer smiled, placing one cigarette in his mouth as he walked out.

Hellhammer had just time to finish smoking before Varg and Euronymous came out of the club.

''I need to find a store'', Euronymous said, looking around the street to see if he could spot any.

''There's one around the corner...'', Varg answered.

Euronymous stormed off in the right direction, not bothering to listen more to what the bassist had to say. He entered the shop and quickly picked out two cold energy drinks in the shelf nearby the entrance before he found the snack department.

''For Dead?'', Hellhammer asked quietly as he came up behind him and saw him picking out a chocolate protein bar.

''Uh, yeah...'', Euronymous said.

''Nice. He needs to eat...'', the drummer answered,''...and so do we...maybe?'', he asked with a hopeful smile.

Euronymous smiled back, ''Yeah, maybe. Anything in mind?'', he wondered as he scanned the shelf in front of him and grinned as he finally spotted a small package of raspberry candy that he eagerly grabbed.

''Man, I haven't had them in ages...'', Hellhammer mumbled.

''I know right, I got this sick crave for them...I remember they were my favorite as a kid...'', Euronymous said with a nostalgic smile on his face.

Hellhammer smirked, ''Wonder if they taste the same.''.

''We'll soon find out'', the guitarist answered as he paid for his items.

''Can you take this in your pocket for me? I can't fit it all in my own'', Euronymous asked, handing the drummer one of the energy drinks.

''Sure'', Hellhammer said, taking the drink and placing it in his jacket pocket along with the chocolate he bought.

''Fuck...can't wait...'', Euronymous mumbled happily as he tore open the candy bag immediately so he could have a taste.

''Fuck man...this is christmas for me dude...'', the guitarist grinned after putting one of the candies in his mouth and tasting it.

Hellhammer laughed, ''Christmas?'', he smirked as he also took a candy to try.

''Yeah, they remind me of christmas somehow. Guess I ate a lot of them during the holidays.'', Euronymous said, putting the candy away in his pocket to save for later.

''Back in the good old days, huh?'', Hellhammer chuckled jokingly.

Euronymous swallowed hard at the small comment as he thought about how his life right now felt nothing close to the safe, carefree days he had as a child.

_...the only real thing that feels good in my life right now is my sweet little demon..._

_...fucking Varg has taken everything else..._

_But he won't take you away from me Dead!_

''Let's go back to the hotel'', he said, suddenly needing to be close to the vocalist even thought the blonde man probably didn't want the same closeness as him.

_I don't care Dead!_

_I need you!_

''What about food?'', Hellhammer asked, hurrying after the guitarist as he went outside to Varg who was waiting for them.

''There's a kebab shop right here if you want to buy something?'', the bassist suggested as he overheard the drummer.

''Cool! Do you mind?'', Hellhammer asked Euronymous.

''No, just go'', the guitarist said.

''Do either of you want anything?'', Hellhammer wondered.

''I could go for a small kebab'', Varg answered cheerfully.

''Alright! Euronymous?'', the drummer questioned.

''Yeah, sure...the same...'', Euronymous mumbled as he lit up a cigarette.

''Be right back!'', Hellhammer declared as he went inside the shop to order for them.

As soon as the other man was out of sight, Varg didn't waste anymore time and placed a heavy hand on Euronymous' shoulder, forcing him to stand still next to him.

''I hope you're ready to continue our little game tonight after the show'', he said, looking around the empty street to see if anyone could see them.

''Fuck you Varg! I'm done with you! Tomorrow we're recording your piece of shit music so leave us the fuck alone until then!'', Euronymous growled angry, trying to shake of the younger man.

''I don't think so...'', Varg hissed before he pushed the guitarist backwards into a small alley and slammed him face first against the stone wall.

Euronymous groaned as the cold surface hit him in full force.

''Should I take your disobedience to fuck Dead again for me as a sign that you want me to fuck him instead?'', Varg said as he pressed the other man hard against the wall.

''Go to hell and stay there!'', Euronymous snarled at the bassist.

''Why do you have to be so god damn stubborn!'', Varg snapped back, grabbing Euronymous hair and pulling his head back roughly.

''Just admit that you want me to fuck him more brutally that you don't have the guts to do yourself...I know you want it...I know you want to see pain...and blood...'', the bassist said in a low voice against the guitarist's ear.

Euronymous shut his eyes tight and forced himself to stay silent.

''It's okay you know...it's okay...'', Varg said, softening his tone as he reached up a hand to stroke the other man's face gently.

Euronymous couldn't keep quiet any longer, ''You sick motherfucker! I said no! You will not come near him!''.

''Fine! You do it then!'', Varg yelled, losing his calmness as he angry smashed the guitarist face back against the wall.

Euronymous could feel the skin tearing on his cheek and he hissed in pain.

''Never!'', the guitarist yelled back, just as angry.

''You will fuck him Euronymous or I swear I will tell Hellhammer right now all about your filthy habit behind closed doors.'', Varg said in a cold voice.

Euronymous paled at the thought as his body began to tremble, ''You won't....'', he whispered, almost pleadingly.

''You're right...I don't really have to tell him...I could just show him the tape...do you think he would appreciate getting to kick back with a couple of beers and a movie, starring you and your dirty whore?....'', the bassist said quietly.

The guitarist breathed harshly as he listened to the younger man.

''...or do you think he will find it so revolting and disgusting that he can barley look at the screen...because that's what it really is Euronymous...disgusting...you and your whore...you are disgusting...and everyone else will think so...don't forget that...'', Varg said, feeling how the other man was shaking in fear and anger so close to him.

Euronymous refused to let the younger man's words break his spirit, ''Shut...up!'', he groaned furiously in a strained voice.

''Poor Euronymous...look at you...fighting so hard to stay strong...I'll give you credit for that...and pity...'', the bassist said mockingly.

Euronymous tried to push back and get out of the younger man's grip.

''...relax my dear...I just told you I'll take pity on you today...so how about instead of fucking Dead, you will just finger him nice and good, okay? That doesn't sound so bad now does it? Just hold him in your arms and make him moan....I promise I won't get in your way. I only have a few simple rules, but we can talk about them later.'', Varg said, loosening his hold on the other man.

Euronymous wished he could say no. He felt nauseous even thinking about doing anything more for the bassist.

_...but I can't refuse...he's going to tell Hellhammer..._

_...I could hear it in his voice...he was more serious this time...more angry..._

It didn't help that the guitarist found himself in the hometown of the younger man either. He had no idea what kind of friends or other connections the bassist might have here.

_I can't say no...can't take any chances..._

He didn't trust his voice to hold so he only nodded reluctantly as Varg let him go.

''I'm glad we could come to an agreement'', the bassist smirked.

Euronymous lifted his hand to his cheek and felt the blood on his skin. He wiped it away and ignored the stinging sensation that came with it.

_I'll wear my corpsepaint tonight so no one will see..._

''There you are!'', Hellhammer grinned as they came out of the alley.

Euronymous made sure that his hair was covering his face and that he was walking next to the drummer with his bruised side facing out so that the other man wouldn't take notice of it.

''What's up in the alley?'', Hellhammer chuckled, pointing to where the other two had come out from

''I was just showing Euronymous a piece of Bergen history...you know there's a lot to learn from walking down some of the old alleys here...'', Varg answered.

''Oh yeah? Like what?'', Hellhammer wondered half interested as he began to eat his kebab.

With that Varg took the opportunity to give them a brief history lecture of his hometown as they walked back to the hotel.

''Alright, I'm heading back to my apartment now. I'll see you at the club'', the bassist said as they arrived at the hotel.

''See ya!'', Hellhammer shouted, waving off the younger man as he and Euronymous walked inside.

''I can't really put my finger on it...but there's something weird about him, don't you think? I mean, he seems nice enough...I like him...but...I dunno man...he gives me the creeps sometimes... and that doesn't happen a lot!'', Hellhammer said, quickly rushing out the last words so that the guitarist didn't think he often found other people intimidating.

Euronymous just shrugged, ''Yeah, I guess'', he mumbled, keeping his head low so his hair would cover his wounded cheek.

''You think so too?'', Hellhammer asked carefully as they stepped into the elevator.

The guitarist gave another shrug. The drummers thoughts on Varg made him want to tell Hellhammer everything and just get it over with.

_If I tell him before Varg do then I can convince him that Varg is the disgusting, bad guy here...and not me..._

_He already thinks Varg is a creep...right? He just said it!_

_..but he also said that he liked him..._

''I'm gonna go take a nap before the show'', Hellhammer said as the elevator stopped to let them out.

''Okay'', Euronymous mumbled, reaching out a hand to take the energy drink the other man had kept for him.

_There goes my chance..._

He watched as the drummer closed the door to his room behind him before he knocked on his own door so the vocalist would let him in.

''It's me'', the guitarist said as he waited.

Euronymous held his breath as the door swung up and revealed the frontman in full corpsepaint and stage clothes.

_Fuck...he looks so hot..._

''Hey...'', the guitarist said as he walked in.

_I'm gonna finger him tonight..._

_...hear him sob in pleasure..._

_...feel him tremble as he cums in my arms..._

''How was it?'', Dead asked quietly.

Euronymous snapped out of his horny, guilty thoughts and kicked himself mentally, ''It looks great. You'll be fine on the stage. Just do your thing like yesterday...'', he said, putting the kebab down on a small table so he could take out his other items from his pocket.

''...got you this...'', the Norwegian man said, handing over one of the energy drinks and the protein bar to the Swede, ''...you can have some of the kebab too of course...I'm not really that hungry...'', he muttered.

''What happened to your face?'', Dead frowned, coming closer to the guitarist.

Euronymous thought about lying but he was so tired of having to keep secrets.

''Varg...'', he whispered.

''...why?'', the frontman asked fearfully.

Euronymous sighed, ''I just started arguing with him...fucking cunt...'', he said angry.

''You shouldn't fight with him...'', Dead said quietly.

''I know, but he was talking shit about you! About us!'', Euronymous shouted, not wanting to tell the whole truth about his conversation with the bassist.

Dead sat nervously down on the bed and began to rock back and forth as he stared anxiously in front of him.

''I hate this...I hate being here...I hate everything...I want to go home!'', the vocalist whimpered.

During his time alone in the hotel room he had tried to keep his mind empty and just work on auto pilot as he put on his stage gear after watching tv for a while. He had refused to let himself think of Varg and what he tried to push him to do on stage.

It had worked so far and he had actually managed to calm down enough to just relax and watch some more tv until the guitarist came back. But seeing Euronymous now, bruised and in anger, had made his fear and anxiety come back and he dreaded going outside of the hotel.

''Hey...hey...hey...relax..don't think of that now...shh...shh'', Euronymous said softly, crouching down in front of the scared blonde man and placing his hands gently on his arms to stop him from moving.

''I can't...I can't...'', Dead whispered desperately.

''Yes you can. Don't think of anything else but you and me, here and now, okay?'', the guitarist said quietly as he carefully sat down next to vocalist.

Dead breathed hard as his panic stricken mind tried to get the best of him again.

''Now take this...'', Euronymous said, opening the energy drink and giving it to Dead, ''...and this...'', he continued, unwrapping the protein bar and waited until the frontman had finished drinking before he gave him the bar too.

''Eat. Slowly. Take your time. There's no rush.'', the guitarist said, giving the fragile Swede next to him a warm smile.

It broke his heart knowing that in a few hours he would have to force Dead into submission and finger him shamefully against his will.

_He's not going to like it...there's no way...not as long as Varg is in the room with us..._

_...he's going to cry...and beg..._

_Fuck...I can't believe it actually aroused me for a moment..._

_..I'm the worst person in the world..._

Euronymous tried telling himself that his arousal didn't come from the fact that he was going to violate the vocalist, but because he yearned to be close to him and feel his naked body in his arms.

_I miss him....I miss the closeness...I miss the sex..._

_I miss him moaning my name in pleasure...I miss seeing his face as climax takes him..._

The guitarist felt so guilty for even wanting sex at all with all this shit happening to them.

_I can't help it!_

_Everything about him turns me on!_

''Aren't you going to eat?'', Dead asked quietly.

''Yeah...of course...thanks for reminding me...'', Euronymous smiled and felt his heart skip a bit as the corpse painted man gave him a small smile back.

_I really hope you will understand Dead that I didn't have a choice..._

_...we didn't have a choice..._

_...I had to say yes...for us...I had to!_

He picked up his kebab and turned up the volume on the tv.

''Oh...this is actually really good...'', the guitarist mumbled surprised as he took a bite of his food.

Dead looked curiously at the other man as he finished his protein bar.

''...do you want some?'', Euronymous asked.

Dead hesitated but then nodded, ''...okay...'', he said, licking his lips as the guitarist handed him the kebab.

''Damn...'', the frontman muttered at the first taste.

''Pretty fucking good, huh?'', Euronymous smirked as Dead nodded and took another bite.

''I'll go put on my makeup'', the guitarist said with a wink and went in to the bathroom.

Dead snorted quietly before taking one last bite of the kebab and then placing it down, feeling so full from having eaten the protein bar too. He crawled further back into the bed with his drink and made himself comfortable as he waited for the guitarist to come back out.

Euronymous came out ten minutes later wearing his own stage clothes and corpse paint on.

''Hellhammer said he would take a nap before coming over so I'll guess we're just chilling until then'', he said as he sat down cross legged on the bed and began to eat again.

Dead only nodded at that as he had his eyes glued to the tv, eagerly drinking his energy drink to hopefully feel more awake and ready.

Thirty minutes later they heard a knock on the door and Euronymous quickly went to open it to allow the drummer in.

''What's up Dead? You feeling good?'', Hellhammer asked with a smile as he spotted the vocalist on the bed.

''Yes'', Dead answered briefly and followed the drummer with his eyes as the other man sat down on the chair.

''Nice! I'm so ready to head out. When are we going?'', Hellhammer wondered, looking at Euronymous.

''Whenever I guess. We're ready too, aren't we Dead?'', Euronymous asked as he turned to face the frontman.

''We can go'', the vocalist said quietly.

''Time to rock!'', Hellhammer shouted, slamming open the door to head for the elevator.

Euronymous stood back a little to look at Dead, ''...okay?'', he whispered.

Dead closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, ''Okay'', he whispered back as he emptied his mind and shut out his feelings.

The guitarist watched how the vocalist hardened his gaze as they walked out of the hotel. He knew now that the Swedish man was conjuring his inner darkness and preparing himself for the performance he was about to give soon.

_That's it Dead...you're doing great...I'm so fucking proud of you..._

_...my little demon..._

-

Dead wiped his forehead with his arm and panted heavily as he walked over to the drums where he knew the knife was placed for him. He felt excited and thrilled from having screamed the last hour. The energy drink he had consumed right before had kicked him into a higher gear and he felt his body tremble in adrenaline the more he got to perform in front of an eager crowd of people.

_I hate you!_

_I hate all of you!_

_Worthless people....you make me sick!_

He fed on his anger towards humanity and let the rage devour him as he grabbed the shining knife before raising his arms high up and giving a loud roar into the microphone. Many of the audience raised their glasses and roared with him.

_Fuck you all!_

_Fuck you, and you, and you..._

The frontman growled as he narrowed his eyes at the people in front of him before looking down at the knife he was holding. He immediately saw that it was the same knife that the bassist wanted him to use.

_...and fuck you Varg!_

_Fuck you for making my life a living hell!_

His hatred grew more and more as he placed the knife over his wrist so he could slice it gently while the bucket of blood stood ready next to him. Just as he was about to cut he looked up for a small second and met Varg's cold eyes staring hungry at him.

_No..._

_Don't look at me!_

_...please..._

Dead gasped as the knife slipped a little deeper into his skin before he got a grip of the blade again.

_No, no,no..._

_..this isn't what I want!_

He had no intention of doing what the younger man tried to manipulate him into.

_I'm not gonna listen to you Varg!_

_You hear me! I won't listen!_

The frontman let the anger inside him swallow up all his dark thoughts.

_This is my life!_

_Here on stage!_

_With Euronymous!_

_Alive!_

Dead screamed into the microphone again as he looked back at the bassist who raised his head smugly and narrowed his eyes at him.

_I'm not afraid of you..._

He tore his eyes away from the younger man, grabbed the blood bucket and smirked as he got ready to start the end of their show.

-

''Damn it!'', Hellhammer groaned, grabbing his head in pain.

''You alright, man?'', Euronymous asked as he finished his beer.

''Fuck, I can't believe I actually have a motherfucking headache now!'', the drummer sighed frustratingly as he looked around at the club.

''Huh, I haven't seen you with that in a long time...'', Euronymous commented almost in awe as he watched the other man rest his head in his hands on the table they were all sitting around after the show.

''I know!'', Hellhammer whined, ''This sucks! I'm having so much fun! But fuck, I feel like I can barley move, you know! ...how do you do it, man? How the fuck can you get anything done with this pain in the ass inside your head?!'', he exclaimed.

Euronymous smirked, ''I get used to it I guess...and it's not like I can do everything with it! You've seen me...I need to rest too...'', he shrugged and mumbled out the last part, almost feeling a little ashamed of admitting that he had a weakness.

''Dude, you don't really rest until your heads about to blow off, okay? I'm sure if you were me now you'd be dancing around as if nothing was wrong...and here I am! Close to fucking dying!'', Hellhammer complained.

The guitarist chuckled, ''Okay, first of all, I don't dance! And second; I take painkillers asshole! With all the headaches I get then there's no way I could live without it...'', he admitted.

''Do you have any on you now?'', Hellhammer asked pitifully, clutching his head.

''No. And you shouldn't mix them with alcohol either.'', Euronymous said firmly.

Hellhammer rolled his eyes, ''...fuck this hurts...'', he mumbled and grimaced at the loud music around him.

''You are such a pussy...'', the guitarist muttered as he stood up.

''Stop calling me a fucking pussy!'', the drummer growled.

''Alright, alright, there's no need to start crying! I'll go ask the bartender if he has any painkillers, so hold your tears until I get back!'', Euronymous grinned and laughed as the drummer flipped him off.

Hellhammer watched with an angry frown as the guitarist walked away before his head started to throb again, ''...I fucking hate pain...'', he sighed quietly and closed his eyes in discomfort as he waited for the other man to come back.

Euronymous tossed two pills in front of the drummer a few minutes later and Hellhammer opened his eyes to say something until he saw that Dead had followed the guitarist back.

''Where have you been?'', he asked the vocalist.

Dead shrugged, ''Just talking with people...'', he said quietly.

''Well? Aren't you going to bow down and thank me?'', Euronymous smirked to the drummer.

Hellhammer leaned forward so he got close to the guitarist and flexed his muscles, ''Make me'', he said, cracking his knuckles in front of the other man.

Euronymous grinned, ''Another day maybe'', he answered and winked jokingly.

The guitarist almost choked on his beer from laughter as he saw the mortified look on Hellhammer's face before the drummer managed the pull himself together.

''What the fuck was that look!'', Euronymous giggled, feeling the rush of the alcohol in his blood.

''Shut up! It's just these painkillers, they taste like shit!'', Hellhammer said as an excuse, feeling embarrassed.

''You're not suppose to sit and taste them, idiot'', the guitarist smiled.

''I know that! Fuck! Just, be quiet! I want to talk to Dead now'', the drummer snapped but was unable to avoid smiling as he looked at the frontman who was just staring expressionless at them.

Euronymous giggled quietly again and Hellhammer opened his mouth to speak before he burst out laughing as he met the other man's eyes.

''Dude, you are not helping!'', the drummer sighed and turned to face the Swedish man.

''So...you've been talking to people? Did you meet anyone interesting?'', Hellhammer asked, forcing his face to look serious even thought the guitarist was still grinning stupidly at him.

Dead nodded, '' I think so...there was this one guy...don't really know what the fuck he was doing...but he worked with music...I think he was here on vacation...and, uhm, he came from Germany...'', the frontman answered in a low voice.

''Okay?'', Hellhammer said softly, encouraging the Swede to continue speaking.

''Yeah...he told me that he thought we did a great job...that he loved our sound...and...he thought I looked like a fucking corpse....but he meant it as a good thing...at least I think so...'' , Dead mumbled a little proudly and gave a shy smile before looking carefully at Euronymous who smiled warmly back at him.

Hellhammer watched his other two band members and couldn't help smiling as well.

''Did he say anything else?'', Euronymous asked interested.

Dead swallowed a little nervously, he didn't like being the one everyone was waiting for to talk, ''He...he said that, uh, I don't know if he meant it or not, but he said that if we ever wanted to play in Germany then we could contact him...''.

''For real?'', the guitarist yelled excitedly, slamming his beer down on the table.

Dead felt his confidence grow, ''Yeah. I got his number too. So, maybe we can call him when we get back home, or something...just to be sure it's all cool....and maybe make a deal with him...'', he suggested.

''Fuck yeah we should!'', Euronymous grinned.

''Good job Dead! Fucking nailing the show first, and then you get us connection in Germany!'', Hellhammer cheered.

Dead grinned and straighten up, ''Thanks'', he said.

''By the way, where's Varg? Thought we should share the news with him!'', the drummer wondered, looking around the room.

Euronymous saw the immediate change in the vocalist's expression at the mention of their bassist. The frontman's smile faded and the guitarist could see the Swede's fear and anger reflect from his eyes.

''He's probably around here somewhere talking to people he knows...who cares! We can tell him about it tomorrow'', Euronymous said, not bothering to mention to the drummer that he had no intention of keeping Varg in the band when they got back home.

''Yeah, I guess you're right...'', Hellhammer said, clutching his head again, ''...fuck...I think I need to call it quit guys! This is literally killing me here...'', he wailed.

Euronymous raised one eyebrow at the drummer's dramatic reaction but decided not to say anything.

''How are you feeling?'', he asked the frontman instead.

''I think I want to head back too. I'm tired...'', Dead said, giving a small apologetic smile.

Euronymous smiled back even though he could feel his inside turn cold as he knew that the dreadful thing he had to do was waiting right around the corner for him as soon as they got back to the hotel.

''That's fine! We got shit to do tomorrow too so there's not need to stay out all night anyway.'', the guitarist said.

''Should we look for Varg?'', Hellhammer asked.

Euronymous sighed and shook his head, ''Whatever'', he answered and walked straight to the front door without looking back into the location to see if the bassist was there or not.

The guitarist almost didn't want to go inside the hotel when they walked up to the building.

''Man I need to lie down...'', Hellammer sighed and went inside.

Euronymous saw Dead follow the drummer and he knew there was no other way around what he had to do to the blonde man.

_Let's get this over with..._

As they took the elevator up he couldn't help wondering where Varg really had gone off to.

_...maybe he's not coming back?_

_...yeah right..._

Euronymous anxiously looked around the corridor when they stepped out and his heart pounded as he waved good night to the drummer and saw the vocalist open up their own door. The guitarist held his breath as he walked inside, almost expecting the younger man to already be there.

_Don't be stupid..._

He was just about to close the door behind him when he gasped loudly as Varg suddenly appeared before him in the doorway.

''Fuck'', he whispered wide eyed, stumbling backwards in shock.

''You didn't think I would forget, did you?'', the bassist smirked as he entered and closed the door gently behind them.

Euronymous wanted to protest and tell the younger man to get the hell out, but the shock of seeing Varg so sudden was still lingering in his body and he could only stare as the bassist came further in and claimed the whole room with his ominous presence.

''Ah...and there you are...'', Varg smirked as he saw Dead sitting terrified on the edge of the bed, ''...the star of the show....in every way...'', he chuckled, coming closer to the already trembling frontman.

''Don't fucking touch him Varg!'', Euronymous growled threateningly after finding his voice again.

''Relax. I'm a honest man. I keep my promises. I will not lay a hand on him...today...'', Varg said, smiling satisfied at the fear and confusion he saw on the frontman's face.

''W-what does he mean...Euronymous?'', Dead whispered.

Euronymous closed his eyes, ''I'm sorry'', he whispered back, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

''No time to waste! Let's get this started'', Varg said as he pulled out the chair to place it right in front of the bed so he could get a good view of it all.

Dead looked at the guitarist as he sat down next to him, ''No, no, no, no!'', he whimpered and scrambled back on the bed to avoid being close to the other two men in the room.

Euronymous looked sadly at the scared Swede.

''You promised Euronymous! You promised!'', Dead cried, clutching his pillow in front of him desperately as he shook in fear.

Euronymous didn't know what to say. He had no comforting words to the frontman. At least nothing that he would like to hear anyway.

''You can't make me! Whatever it is, you can't make me!'', Dead continued as his voice cracked a little at the end.

He tried to summon his anger and hate, the same emotions he had felt on stage just a few hours ago.

_Give me my darkness!_

_Give me my strength!_

Dead breathed hard as he stared furiously at the bassist who only smirked coldly back at him. The frontman gripped his pillow harder as he hastily moved his gaze over to the guitarist who was staring miserably back at him. He wanted to feel anger towards Euronymous for being a part of his humiliation, he wanted to feel hate...

_...but I can't..._

_I can't hate you!_

_I can't be angry with you!_

_Because I know it's not your fault!_

The longer he stared into the sad eyes of the other man the more he could feel his own sorrow overpower him. The anger he so desperately wanted to hold on to faded away as his vision began to blur and the guitarist became unclearer in front of him.

''Fuck you'', he sobbed into the room, wiping his eyes hastily.

Euronymous hated seeing the Swede so afraid. He could hear the blonde man fighting with his own emotions, wanting to stay strong and fearless but knowing deep down that he didn't stand a chance against Varg's evil glare as the bassist watched him with dark lust shining from his eyes.

''You ready to hear the rules?'', Varg asked, leaning forward in his chair.

Euronymous looked down at the floor and nodded guilty.

Varg smiled at the power he had over his two band members, ''Rule number 1, he will be naked but still in corpse paint...of course...so don't worry about having to remove any makeup.'', he smirked, pointing at Dead.

Euronymous bit his lip hard but kept his eyes lowered.

''...the same goes for you...but you will also keep everything else on...and that's rule number 2...'', Varg said to the guitarist.

Euronymous narrowed his eyes at what he heard.

_...Why does he only want Dead naked?_

_I know I'm only going to finger him...but he would be more comfortable if he wasn't the only one without clothes...I could easily take my shirt off or something..._

He almost slapped himself when it dawned on him that the bassist only did it to make the vocalist feel more shame.

_Of course...how could I be so stupid..._

_He just wants to humiliate...just wants to see Dead feel degraded..._

_...and me feel angry..._

_.. because it thrills him..._

… _and arouses him..._

Euronymous could feel the rage in his body and he knew he had to calm himself down.

_Don't give him what he wants!_

''...rule number 3...you will hold him in your arms...restricted...use your legs to part his legs and hold his arms against his chest so he can't move...'', Varg said in a deep lustful voice.

Euronymous carefully looked at the vocalist who had no idea what was going to happen and only gave him a scared and confused look back.

''Now, off you go into position and I will tell you your final rule once you're ready'', the bassist smiled.

Dead felt completely frozen as he looked on with glistening eyes at the guitarist who crawled over to him.

''N-no...'', he whispered, arching back against the headboard.

Euronymous wished it would be an easier way to do this but he knew that no matter what he said it would result in the Swedish man crying.

_I want to kiss him...gently...try to calm him down..._

_...but am I even allowed to do that?_

_..or would that be against that cunt's stupid rules..._

He frowned and looked back at Varg who had leaned comfortably back in his chair.

_Should I ask for permission...or just do it?_

Euronymous hated the thought of having to ask for anything that rightfully belonged to him.

_..but if I do it...and he gets angry...then what?_

''...can I kiss him?'', the guitarist asked, cringing at the lack of confidence he could hear in his voice.

Varg grinned, ''Yes. You may kiss him.'', the bassist said, licking his lips in excitement.

Euronymous turned back to the frontman who was shaking his head anxiously.

''...do you want to take off your own clothes...or should I?'', he asked weakly and immediately knew that it had been the wrong thing to start of with.

The blonde man's lip began to quiver before he broke into a loud sob and started crying.

''...no,no,no...'', Dead whimpered on repeat as is breath sped up drastically.

Euronymous watched helplessly as the Swede started to hyperventilate in front of him.

_Kiss him you idiot!_

_Kiss him and calm him down before he freaks out and gets too loud!_

''Dead...shh...shh...come here...come here now....'', the guitarist mumbled, stretching out his arms to wrap them around the crying man.

''P-please Euronymous...please...please...'', Dead begged, tensing in the warm embrace.

''One step at the time, remember? Only you and me. Only us.'', Euronymous whispered, keeping his voice calm as he slowly removed the frontman's jacket.

Dead whined as he was stripped off his first item before the guitarist leaned over and softly captured his lips.

Euronymous moved their mouths together as he managed to take off the rest of the vocalist's clothes on his upper body. When Dead's naked chest was revealed to him he couldn't help stroking his hands over it and caress the skin there gently.

_It's so soft...so good to touch...so perfect underneath my hands..._

The guitarist deepened the kiss and let his warm hands roam over the Swede's body until the worst trembles had gone away from the blonde man.

He licked the frontman's lips slowly and kissed his throat and neck as he began to unbuckle his belt.

''Don't...'', Dead pleaded weakly but was cut off by Euronymous' mouth on his own again.

The guitarist made quick work of the other man's pants and hurriedly stripped Dead of the rest of his clothing.

Dead sobbed as tears of shame fell from his eyes when the last garment was removed from his body. He could barley look at anything, feeling so humiliated at being naked in front of the other two in the room. The shame burned on his skin and he didn't think he could handle anything more than this.

_I'm trapped..._

_...I'm trapped and I can't get away..._

_..somebody please help me..._

… _I can't get away!_

Euronymous stroked the vocalist's face gently and lifted his head, ''Look at me Dead'', he said quietly.

Dead whimpered as he opened his tear filled eyes.

''I won't hurt you. I promise'', the guitarist whispered, looking deeply into the blonde mans eyes.

Dead wailed softly but held Euronymous gaze as their lips met again.

''I won't hurt you...'', the guitarist whispered desperately again into the kiss.

Dead gave a quiet sob and arched closer to the other man, wanting him to shield his nakedness with his arms.

''Dead...'', Euronymous moaned as he felt the Swede cling to him.

''Forgive me for interrupting...but I think we need to get a move on before it gets too late...'', Varg suddenly said, throwing a bottle of lubrication over to them.

Dead immediately tensed up again as soon as he saw it.

''Dead...it's not what you think...shh now...it's not what you think...'', Euronymous said, hugging the vocalist close to him as the frontman began to shake in fear.

''Come now...'', he said gently, taking the Swedish man with him as he moved to sit with his back against the wall.

Dead reluctantly let himself get pulled into the guitarist's embrace again but he gasped and writhed when he looked up and saw that he was faced straight towards the bassist and his greedy, lustful eyes.

''...I don't want to...Euronymous please! I don't want to!'', he begged trying to move away before he was gripped harshly.

''Spread him'', Varg said in a quiet voice, looking darkly at the naked corpse painted man in front of him.

Dead's eyes widened in fear and he pressed his back further into the guitarist's chest and turned his head to shut his eyes tight.

''Please don't...please don't...'', he pleaded and cried out when he felt Euronymous' legs wrap themselves around underneath his own legs and part them far out, exposing his naked lower body completely to the younger man.

''No!'', he sobbed and arched in shame and humiliation.

''I'm sorry...I'm sorry...'', Euronymous whispered, grabbing the vocalist's arms in a tight grip with one hand, locking them against the blonde man's chest, before he quickly took the bottle of lube in his other hand.

The guitarist kept whispering soothing words into the Swede's ear to try and calm him down.

''...it will soon be over...so soon...I swear Dead...I swear...'', he murmured, kissing the frontman's head lovingly and trying the best he could to cradle him gently in his arms.

''...and that brings me to rule number 4...which will determine if this really will be soon over or not...because it all depends on how good you are Dead...'', Varg smirked.

''Get on with it!'', Euronymous hissed angry.

''So eager are we? ...I understand you....So, the last rule is that you will finger Dead until he cums... but only finger him...'', the bassist said in a light tone, letting the sentence hang in the air.

Euronymous blinked uncertain, ''...okay?''.

''...you can kiss him and touch him everywhere else except for where he most likely will want you to...'', Varg interrupted and bit his lip in satisfaction at the confused look on the guitarist's face.

''Wait...you mean...fuck...I can't do that...he can't do that!'', Euronymous yelled upset.

_I'm not allowed to touch his cock!?_

_That's impossible!_

_There's no way Dead's gonna be able to cum from just my fingers..._

_...no fucking way...we're gonna stay here all night.._

_...trapped..._

''I'm sure you'll figure it out...and I don't think I need to remind you that I expect an equally good performance like last time...'', the younger man said as he reached into his pocket to pull out the tape he had hidden there.

''Remember, one fucking mistake...and I'll make sure Hellhammer finds this in the morning...'', he said in a low voice, waving the tape in front of them before he placed it back in his pocket again.

''Fuck!'', Euronymous cursed loudly.

He buried his face against the vocalist's hair to calm down his beating heart. Dead was crying silently in his arms, still with his head turned away and eyes shut tight so he wouldn't have to look at Varg.

Euronymous knew he just had to get it over with. He had no idea how long this would take or if they could even make it at all. The frontman was scared to death and not the least bit aroused.

_How the fuck am I gonna make him cum!_

He groaned miserably against the Swedish man's soft hair.

_He's doing this on purpose....Varg wants to see us fail...I know it...I just fucking know it..._

''I'm waiting...'', Varg mumbled a little impatiently from his chair.

''Damn you, you sick fuck!'', Euronymous snarled as he lifted his head to look at the younger man.

He breathed harshly as he unlocked the lube bottle with one hand and brought it down and over Dead's spread open entrance.

The vocalist gasped loudly and writhed in the guitarist's arms as soon as he felt the cold liquid hit his ass and run down his crack.

''Stop it!'', he sobbed, twisting and turning in the tight grip he was locked in.

''I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...'', Euronymous whispered as he continued to squeeze out more lube to cover the Swede's asshole and make it wet and glistening for an easier penetration.

The guitarist breathed hotly against the vocalist's ear as he dipped his fingers into the large amount of lube he had poured out and gently stroked two fingers over the wet hole. Dead's cheeks were flushed in embarrassment and his legs were shaking hard as they were held open.

''No...p-please...no...'', he pleaded in humiliation.

''Relax...'', Euronymous murmured in concentration as he tried to as softly as possible to push his fingers deep inside the blonde man in one quick motion.

_It's so wet...so tight..._

_...fuck..._

He could already feel his own cock twitching shamefully in his pants and he prayed that the frontman didn't notice it.

''...that's it...you're doing so good...'', Euronymous said quietly, thrusting his two fingers all the way inside as he watched Dead gasp in unwanted pleasure.

_I know he loves this..._

_He loves to get fingered...to get penetrated..._

_I have to make it good for him..._

_I can do this!_

''...Euronymous...'', Dead moaned as his hole clenched around the two fingers inside him.

He arched his back and whimpered as the fingers began to slowly move in and out of him.

''...Oh...Euronymous...please...stop...'', he begged on the verge of tears, desperately testing his restriction to see if he could get away.

''I can't Dead...you have to cum for me first...'', Euronymous breathed next to his ear.

Dead whined loudly and tossed his head back, ''Please!!'', he sobbed as he was fingered against his will.

''Just focus on the pleasure Dead..focus on only that...'', Euronymous said, moving his fingers a little faster.

Dead began to pant as the fingers inside him stroked his inner walls and rubbed softly against his entrance every time they were thrust back inside. It had been too many days since he last had something inside him and his body yearned for it now that it was happening again. He watched through blurry half lidded eyes how the guitarist leaned his head down before his lips were claimed in a warm kiss.

Dead sobbed against the other man's mouth. The two fingers bent inside him and he arched high up and moaned brokenly as his prostate was massaged gently. Euronymous kept massaging his fingers thoroughly against his sweet spot until he trembled in pleasure.

The guitarist kissed him deeply and he closed his eyes and moaned when his body began to react more than he wanted it too.

''There you go...'', Euronymous smiled softly as he saw the vocalist starting to grow erect.

He kept up the same pace and alternated between rubbing the frontman's prostate and thrusting his fingers in and out of the now slick entrance. The way the Swedish man had closed his eyes and was breathing heavily against him made him think that maybe there was a chance they could be done with this fast.

_Just keep finger him like that...he likes it..._

''...you know...I think you can fit one more in there...'', Varg suddenly said thoughtfully.

Euronymous grit his teeth at the interruption and sent the younger man a hateful look.

''No'', he answered, feeling the vocalist tense in his arms at the sound of the bassist.

''Yes'', Varg returned in a strict tone, narrowing his eyes and leaning forward again.

''Fuck you...'', Euronymous groaned but pulled out his two fingers so he could get more lubrication.

Varg stared at the gaping, wet asshole that was spread out right in front of him. It quivered at the lack of penetration and was already looking a bit red around the edges. The guitarist returned with three fingers and he looked greedily on as the hole opened itself around them. He had to bite back a moan when the Swedish man whimpered in discomfort. The wet sound that followed as Euronymous tried to gently fit his fingers inside, made the younger man lick his lips and growl quietly in lust.

''Euronymous...please stop....it hurts'', Dead moaned in pain and arched away.

''I know...I'm sorry...I'm trying...you have to relax!'', Euronymous hissed, not meaning to sound so harsh.

He was so scared of hurting Dead and was trying as best as he could to avoid it in any way. He had never fingered the frontman with three fingers before and had no idea how the other man would react to it.

_He's taken my cock...that's bigger..._

The thought made his arousal spark inside him again and he had to take a deep breath to concentrate on not getting an erection.

''...almost inside...breathe deeply now...you can do it...'', Euronymous said calmly.

_And stop clenching or else it won't fit!_

Dead whimpered and held his breath as the three fingers forced its way inside him. The pressure felt heavy and he whined at the small burn that came from being opened up even wider. He could feel his hole become looser as the fingers buried themselves deep in his ass and it made him burn in shame as he thought of what a sight he must look like now.

''Okay...alright...you're doing great...'', the guitarist panted tiredly.

He took a small moment to rest their heads together before he kissed Dead's temple and carefully moved his fingers.

_Fuck it's so tight!_

He was terrified that if he thrust too fast he would hurt the blonde man.

''You have to step up your game Euronymous! Time is ticking!'', Varg smirked.

''Will you shut up! I'm not gonna hurt him!'', Euronymous snarled.

''I thought he liked a little pain'', the bassist said teasingly.

Euronymous ignored the comment and focused on the frightened man in his arms.

''I won't hurt you'', he said to the frontman.

''Please...no more...'', Dead sobbed back, looking pleadingly up at him.

Euronymous' heart broke at the agonizing look on the Swede's face.

''I have to Dead...I have to....and you have to cum...'', he said.

''I can't!'', Dead sobbed and turned his head away.

''There's no other way Dead!'', Euronymous sighed and closed his eyes in frustration.

_It would almost have been easier if I just fucked him..._

_..he would hate it....but it would be easier..._

''Close your eyes and keep them shut. Don't look at him. Don't look at anything. Just feel me close. Hear my voice...'', Euronymous mumbled as he managed to thrust his three fingers in and out of the dripping wet hole.

Dead made a weak sound of protest before he moaned at the intense penetration he was receiving.

''It's too much...Euronymous stop!'', he sobbed and pressed against his restrictions again.

Euronymous felt his irritation grow at the way the blonde man refused to co-operate with him.

_I can't fucking stop Dead!_

_I told you! And you know why!_

''Be still Dead!'', he sighed when the Swede kept writhing in his arms.

''No! I don't want this! Stop touching me!'', Dead cried loudly and began to arch more desperately, making the guitarist almost lose his grip on him.

''It hurts! You promised! But it hurts!'', he continued to cry as heavy sobs wrecked through his whole body.

''It only hurts because you won't listen to me!'', Euronymous shouted, grabbing the frontman harder and making him whimper in fear.

''Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!'', Dead yelled.

''Shut up Dead! Just shut the fuck up!'', the guitarist yelled back before closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall as his heart slammed hard inside his chest.

_I'm sorry Dead! I'm so fucking sorry!_

_I'm not angry! I swear!_

_I'm just frustrated!_

_...and scared!_

The vocalist had gone completely quiet in his arms after his angry outburst and he dreaded having to continue what they were doing.

Euronymous gasped at the rage inside him, ''...fuck...I...can't...'', he whimpered exhausted.

''Are you going to give up already? ...that doesn't sound like you'', Varg smirked, ''...but if you insist on walking away from your responsibilities...then I guess it's only fair that I step in and...''.

''The fuck you will you cunt! You stay away from us!'', Euronymous shouted.

''Alright, alright...then don't fucking stop again.'', the bassist said threateningly.

Euronymous panted hard and looked down at Dead who's face was wet from all the tears he had cried. His corpse paint was smeared all over, leaving large tear marks on his skin.

_He looks so broken..._

_...like a broken doll...unable to move..._

He knew he had to keep going. Varg's threat about taking his place gave him new confidence and power to continue.

_I know what you like Dead._

_Let me make you moan._

_Let me make you cum._

Carefully at first, he bent his fingers and began rubbing the Swedish man's inside gently. The vocalist stayed frozen in his arms, not making any sound, as he slowly let all three of his fingers massage the Swede's prostate again. The guitarist kept looking at his face for any sign of discomfort as he fingered him.

His other hand that was holding the blonde man's hands in restriction, began to stroke what it could reach of the frontman's arms.

''Shh...shh..my little demon...shh...shh..'', Euronymous mumbled softly as Dead couldn't hold back a small whimper.

The guitarist kissed the vocalist's head and rested against it affectionately as he stroked the Swede's inner walls and made sure that he was lubricated enough to not feel any more pain.

''...just like that...you are doing so good...'', he kept mumbling gently and felt the hole around his fingers unclench enough for him to move a little faster.

Dead whined, but didn't protest as the three fingers began to pound more heavily inside him. If he closed his eyes as the guitarist said and tried to focus on only the pleasure, then he found his cock begin to grow hard again.

Euronymous smiled and kissed down the frontmans's face until he reached his mouth. He lingered over the vocalist's soft lips, licking them teasingly before he closed the gap between them and kissed the Swede passionately.

Dead began to arch again, only this time he was not trying to get away but was instead involuntarily seeking out more touches and caresses from the guitarist. The prostate massage he was given was making his cock fully erect and the faster he was fingered the more he began to leak precum. He arched his hips as far as they would go and sobbed weakly as two tears made their way down his face.

''I'm sorry I can't touch you...but I know you enjoy this...'', Euronymous whispered into the kiss when the blonde man began to whimper repeatedly after more.

He didn't want to admit it, but his hand was starting to ache from the position he had to finger the Swede in. He thrust more quickly in and out of the moist entrance, massaging the hole until the vocalist moaned loudly in pleasure in his arms. He saw how hard Dead had become, saw that his cock was dripping wet, and he prayed that it wouldn't take long before climax would hit him.

''I have to say Euronymous. I was expecting a bit more of a rough performance.'', Varg said, almost feeling disappointed.

Euronymous blocked out the younger man and refused to look at him.

''Don't listen to him Dead. Don't listen to his voice'', the guitarist muttered, softly kissing the frontmans throat and biting it gently.

Dead gasped and mewled at the sensation as a warm feeling tingled in his body.

Euronymous bit the skin in front of him a bit harder and smiled as the Swedish man moaned loudly. He continued to lick and kiss down the vocalist's neck as his fingers thrust deeper and deeper inside Dead's asshole.

''Give him more now Euronymous. I know you can do it...faster...rougher...more intense...just like you're playing your guitar...use your fingers now for what they are worth...or else you will never reach the finish line...'', Varg said.

Euronymous graced his teeth up and over Dead's throat as he thought about what the bassist had said.

_He wants more humiliation...more shame...this is not good enough for him..._

_...it has to be good enough..._

_...or else..._

The guitarist hated what he knew he had to do, but there was no other way out. He breathed heavily as he looked at the frontman and gave him one last heated kiss before he quickly pulled out his fingers and thrust all three of them back inside in one hard motion.

''No! Please...'', Dead sobbed at the rapid speed he was fingered in so suddenly.

Euronymous bit his lip and let his other hand move further up, still trapping the vocalist's arms underneath, before placing it around the Swede's throat. His heart pounded as he met Dead's fearful eyes but he was determined to not hear any more complains from the bassist.

''N-no...p-please...n-no!'', Dead cried as his head was bent backwards, locked down against the guitarist shoulder with no chance of moving from the firm grip around his throat. He swallowed hard and sobbed as he could only stare up at the ceiling without seeing anything else around him.

Euronymous fucked the Swedish man brutally with his fingers and forced him into further submission by keeping him in a tighter hold. The vocalist had no way of moving any part of his body now and the guitarist slammed his fingers in and out of him roughly, hitting his prostate over and over again and keeping his cock rock hard against his stomach.

''P-please! Please!'', Dead begged tearfully as moans of pleasure was forced out of him.

''You have to cum now Dead...'', Euronymous panted.

''I can't! I can't!'', Dead pleaded desperately, feeling the hand around his throat tighten when he tried to move too much.

''Much better...'', Varg mumbled satisfied.

''You have to try Dead...you have to try...'', the guitarist breathed harshly.

The vocalist felt flushed against him, his hair was wet and sticking to his skin as he fought against the unwanted pleasure.

''...no...no...'', Dead whimpered weakly and knew he didn't stand a chance.

_I have to do this..._

''...are you going to try for me now?'', Euronymous asked, kissing the frontman's face and tasting the salty tears on his cheek.

Dead gasped and nodded weakly in defeat, his ass was starting to feel sore and all he wanted was to get away.

''...y-yes...'', he sobbed in shame, not wanting at all to reach climax in front of Varg.

_..but I'm still hard...and leaking...and so close!_

_Fuck you Euronymous! Fuck you for knowing my body like this!_

''That's good Dead...so good...'', Euronymous mumbled, pushing his three fingers hard inside the blonde man.

''...so Dead...are you going to tell us how much you like it this time...?'', Varg asked with a teasing grin.

Euronymous could kill the other man right then and there for asking that stupid question.

''Ignore him'', he whispered into the blonde man's ear, fucking him faster and harder, not giving the vocalist a break from his moans of pleasure as he held him close in his arms.

''...I think we should hear Dead's answer today...just to see if you're doing a good job with him...or if he maybe want's me to take over...'', the bassist smirked.

Dead sobbed in fear at the thought and swallowed hard against the hand on his throat. He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't make out a sound.

_Say it!_

_You have to say it or else he will take you instead!_

He began to tremble in his flushed state and his mind felt clouded as all he could hear was the wet sound of the guitarist's fingers moving in and out of him and his own internal voice screaming at him to say that he liked it and then cum so he could finally be released.

''I...I like...I l-like i-it...'', he choked out as fresh, warm tears made their way down his face.

Euronymous had to close his eyes at the humiliation Dead had to go through.

''It always amazes me how loud you can be on stage and yet here...I can barley hear you!'', Varg sighed.

Dead's cheek burned in shame as he braced himself to speak again, ''I l-like it!'', he sobbed, wanting desperately to wipe his eyes.

''You know what they say Dead; third time's a charm....Again!'', the bassist commanded.

''I like it!!'', Dead screamed loudly just as his prostate was hit hard and he moaned helplessly as sparks of pleasure shot through him.

''I can see that...'', Varg chuckled and grinned at the disgusting look the guitarist gave him.

Euronymous hoped that he could still make the Swede focus on him again and ignore the younger man and his attempt at humiliating him.

''Concentrate now...think only of the pleasure...you want to cum...you want release...don't you?'', the guitarist whispered softly to the vocalist.

''...yes...'', Dead moaned, closing his eyes and biting his lip hard.

_Listen to Euronymous....only Euronymous...and do what he says..._

_...just do it...and it will be over soon._

''...you want to have an orgasm...a warm....pleasurable orgasm...'', Euronymous continued, massaging the blonde man's asshole.

''...yes!...'', Dead whimpered, writhing more and more in pleasure.

''...you love this...love getting your ass fingered...by me...'', Euronymous panted erotically against the vocalist, pressing him closer to his body.

''Yes....'', Dead breathed out, arching against the other man, feeling something build inside him.

''...imagine cumming in my arms...climaxing all over yourself...it will feel so good Dead...so fucking good...'', Euronymous moaned and closed his eyes as he moved his fingers faster, picturing that it was his own cock instead.

''Oh fuck...'', Dead sobbed as the pressure built higher and higher up inside him.

''Yes...yes...that's my good boy...my little demon...show me how much you love my fingers...show me that I can make you feel good...'', Euronymous hissed, gently gracing his teeth against the Swedish man's throat again.

''Euronymous...'', Dead mewled, feeling his cock start to pulsate and his abdomen tingle in warm pleasure.

''...cum for me...I want to see you cum...I want to feel you tremble...I want it so bad Dead...let me have it...let me see you...let me feel you.'', the guitarist groaned lustfully, biting hard down and penetrating the skin on the frontman's neck, tasting the blood.

Dead gasped loudly, arched up and came forcefully as the guitarist fingered his sweet spot, making him see stars throughout his intense orgasm. He kept sobbing when Euronymous milked his prostate hard as he climaxed all over his stomach from no touch on his cock.

''...Euronymous...Euronymous...'', he moaned, still in close restriction.

The orgasm felt long and hard and he kept releasing so much while his whole body shook.

''Please...stop...p-please...no more...'', he whimpered after what seemed like several long minutes of a never ending orgasm.

The guitarist had fingered him without stop and he could hear Euronymous pant loudly next to his ear. With trembling hands he was released slowly and the fingers inside him were carefully pulled out. He cringed and gasped in shame as he felt how loose his hole was, still on display for the younger man in the chair to see.

''Euronymous...let me go...'', Dead whimpered anxiously, wanting to close his legs.

Euronymous hesitated, afraid to make a wrong move. He looked at the bassist and was relieved to see Varg nod at him. Quickly he untangled himself from the frontman and placed him down next to him.

''...good job Dead...'', he whispered as he covered the blonde man with a blanket, ignoring the tears he saw on the Swede's devastated face.

_He will get over it...we both will...its just tears..._

Euronymous looked up just in time to see the bassist lean over him, ''Come here!'', Varg growled and pulled him harshly from the bed before slamming him hard against the wall for the second time that day.

This time though he had his back against it and the younger man was gripping him in a tight chokehold with one hand.

''Varg!'', Euronymous groaned, clawing at the hand that was restricting his breathing.

The guitarist looked desperately over at the frontman who was sitting upright on the bed, staring wide eyed at the scene in front of him. The vocalist was trembling in fear and Euronymous could see the tears stream down his face.

''Well? Are you going to admit now how much you loved this?'', Varg hissed, slamming his head hard back.

Euronymous whimpered in pain as his vision became blurry for a few seconds.

''F-fuck y-you'', he choked out and gasped as the grip tightened even further around his throat.

''No!'', Dead cried terrified from where he was sitting frozen in fear.

''Admit it now Euronymous. Admit that you enjoy seeing Dead like this...in submission...and humiliation...'', the younger man grinned darkly, leaning closer to inhale deeply against the guitarist's face.

Euronymous shut his eyes in disgust.

''I can smell in on you...you're so fucking aroused aren't you? ...bet you regret not saying yes to fucking him now...'', Varg chuckled.

Euronymous stared coldly at the bassist and refused to answer him.

Varg smirked, ''...why so quiet? Is it because I'm right?'', he asked, placing his hand on the other man's chest and let it slowly move down and over his stomach before stopping to linger over his crotch.

Euronymous panted, ''Don't...'', he whispered.

Varg leaned into his ear, ''Why not? ...scared I might find something that you're trying to hide? ...like a big erection from having Dead cry from fear in your arms?'', he asked in a quiet dark voice.

''No'', Euronymous said through gritted teeth.

Varg snorted, ''Whatever you say''.

Before Euronymous could protest more he heard the bathroom door slam shut and he looked over on the bed and saw that it was empty.

_Dead!_

Varg laughed, ''I think your boyfriend is mad at you.'', he grinned, letting the guitarist go with a last forceful show against the wall.

Euronymous stumbled and lost his balance as he fell to the floor and gripped his throat, gasping for breath.

''G-get out...'', he tried to yell in a cracked voice.

''Listen to me now, I will have you admit that you like this as much as I do'', Varg growled, pulling the guitarist roughly up from the floor.

''Never!'', Euronymous snarled, coughing and breathing harshly as he still tried to recover from the tight chokehold he was held in.

''You will admit it Euronymous...or something really bad is going to happen with Dead...and that's a FUCKING promise!'', Varg hissed, throwing the other man back on the floor.

''I'm warning you!'', the bassist said, pointing a finger at the guitarist before he opened the door to leave.

As soon as the younger man was out of sight, Euronymous scrambled to get up and ran over to the bathroom.

''Dead!'', he yelled hoarsely as he slammed the door opened and gasped loudly at what he saw.

The vocalist was sitting naked on the bathroom floor, sobbing heavily as he held one small, sharp razor blade right above his wrist.

''Dead! No! You fucking can't!'', Euronymous shouted angry as he stormed over to the Swedish man, knocking the blade out of his hand and pulling him up from the floor.

''What the fuck is wrong with you!?'', the guitarist cried, shaking the blonde man in his arms.

His heart pounded in fear at what he had just witnessed.

''Let me go Euronymous!'', Dead sobbed as he was dragged out from the bathroom and thrown down on the bed again.

''S-stop it! D-don't touch me!'', he begged before he curled up on himself and cried as he clutched his wrist painfully.

Euronymous stared helplessly on as the vocalist fell apart in front of him.

''Dead...'', he whispered, not knowing what to do.

''Go...p-please...go!'', Dead cried and buried his face against the pillow, wailing in agony.

''No'', Euronymous whimpered, ''I won't go'', he said quietly, crawling up beside the Swede to lie down next to him.

''And you can't just go and...and...fuck Dead!'', the guitarist exclaimed almost angry again.

Dead shook his head, ''You don't understand...you don't understand!'', he whined, arching away from the Norwegian man.

''I do understand! And I'm telling you that you can't do this!'', Euronymous said aggravated before he pulled the Swede into his arms and held him there.

''No...no...I can't! ...I can't anymore...it hurts Euronymous...everything hurts! I can't....'', Dead cried hard but let himself be embraced and cradled warmly as he was too tired to fight off the other man.

Euronymous closed his eyes in sorrow, ''You have to Dead...you just have to...'', he whimpered, burying his face against the frontman's hair.

_...because if you can't..._

_..then I can't either..._

 


	16. Chapter 16

Hellhammer narrowed his eyes as he looked at the coffee machine in front of him.

_...the fuck is all this...?_

_...Cappuccino...Caffè latte...Caffè mocca..._

''...Caffè macchiato...?'', he mumbled out loud, raising his eyebrows in confusion.

_All I want is a simple black coffee!_

He sighed quietly and looked around at the hotel's dining hall where more and more people where gathering to eat breakfast.

_...I wonder when the other two will show up..._

The drummer stared thoughtfully out into the air when a man came up and gave him a questioning look, silently asking him if he was done with the machine. Hellhammer smiled shortly and stepped away before he curiously watched the man push a button on the machine that said 'Coffee' on it.

''...are you fucking kidding me...'', he muttered in disbelief as he stared at the plain, black liquid that was pouring into the other man's cup.

_'Coffee'....?_

_That's all it said?!_

_Just 'Coffee'?!_

The man in front of him sent him a strange look before leaving but Hellhammer was too busy being annoyed at the machine to register it.

_Would it be so difficult to just put the word 'Black' in front of it?!_

_I've been standing here for almost fifteen fucking minutes!_

He hastily grabbed a cup and placed it on the cup holder and pushed the same small button the other man had.

''Finally...'', he sighed again, much louder this time as he took the cup with him to find a table.

The drummer impatiently watched how the other tables around him were filling up with people and he stared at the clock on the wall, contemplating if he should go up and knock on his band members door and see if they were going to come out or not.

_Maybe they're still sleeping..._

Hellhammer shifted uncomfortable in his seat as he thought of Dead and Euronymous sharing a bed together.

_...don't you fucking think more about it..._

He closed his eyes reluctantly as the vivid images he had got from last night made their way back in to his mind again.

''No, no, no, no...'', Hellhammer whispered and took a big sip from his coffee as he desperately tried to block out the mental picture he had of Dead whimpering in pleasure.

_Fuck I can't do this...it's too much..._

_I need a cigarette..._

The drummer breathed out deeply and took of his jacket to place it on his chair so no one would take his table while he was out smoking.

_...this is too fucked up..._

… _.way too fucked up man...._

_...what the fuck did I even hear?!_

Hellhammer hurriedly walked outside to lit up his cigarette as more and more images of his two band members appeared in his head. He leaned heavily against the stone wall of the hotel as he thought about what he had witnessed hearing the night before.

_''Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!''_

_''Shut up Dead! Just shut the fuck up!''_

The drummer swallowed hard and recalled all the yelling and shouting he had heard from the other room. He had tried to block out all the sounds by burying his head against his pillow, only picking up fragmented pieces of the loud conversations. But what he had been able to hear had made his stomach turn and his mind feel clouded in confusion.

For a second Hellhammer had been sure that Euronymous was raping the vocalist and he had bolted upright in bed, close to storming out and break in to their rooms to stop the violation.

_''I like it!!''_

Just a few minutes later though, before the drummer had summoned himself enough to go out, he had heard the unmistakable voice of Dead scream out that he liked it. Hellhammer had frozen still on his own bed as he listened with sharpened ears against the wall to the sounds of moaning coming from the other room.

With a fast beating heart and a bewildered mind telling him to stop listening, he had carefully moved away from the wall as a strange tingling feeling had settled in his body. The sensation had felt unfamiliar to him, giving him chills and sending shivers down his spine. He had quickly jumped up from the bed to go take a shower and drain his mind from everything so he could hopefully get a good night sleep after.

Now, still leaning against the hotel building outside, he was getting the same, unusual feeling as the night before. It felt unsettling on him and he couldn't really place the emotion.

_It makes me shudder..._

_...but it's not in fear...it can't be...I'm not afraid of anything..._

_It's just...uncomfortable?_

Hellhammer lit up another cigarette and took a sip from his coffee. He had been so ready yesterday to fight off the guitarist if it turned out that he really was harming Dead.

_I wasn't scared...just angry..._

… _so is that what I'm feeling now? Some sort of anger?_

The drummer wasn't entirely convinced and it annoyed him that he couldn't shake off this new feeling.

_Maybe I am angry because I don't know what the fuck is going on..._

He sighed in frustration and took a deep drag of his cigarette before blowing the smoke slowly out.

_What the hell was up with Dead first screaming no...and then yes...?_

_...was Euronymous really forcing himself upon him?_

_...or were they just...playing?_

_...like....rape play?_

Hellhammer blushed hard at the thought. He had no idea whatsoever what the other two band members were doing in the bedroom and a huge part of him really didn't want to find out either.

_Fuck...this can't be real..this can't be real..._

_It's none of by business...it's none of my business...it's none of my business...!_

As much as he tried not think about it now, he couldn't help the new image he got in his mind of the frontman in handcuffs, lying naked and spread out on the bed with the guitarist towering over him.

Hellhammer grabbed his head as he started to feel dizzy.

''...fuck this...fuck this...fuck this....'', he whispered harshly and leaned his back against the cold stone wall.

_Oh my fucking god...I can't deal with this anymore...!_

_It's too much!_

_It just can't be real!_

He closed his eyes and let out a small sound of desperation as he remembered how clearly he had heard the vocalist's sounds of pleasure.

_That was definitely real..._

The noises had made his imagination turn way too lifelike and he had been unable to stop the pictures in his head from becoming too realistic in his mind.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it!_

Ever since he had found out about Dead and Euronymous, he had tried not to ever think about their sex life and what they were doing alone. Especially after that time when he had accidentally got some of their cum on his hand after looking for the tool box in the guitarist's car.

_Fresh cum...._

_They had literally just had sex!_

Hellhammer shuddered hard at the memory.

_...this is gonna haunt me forever isn't it....?!_

_Fuck!_

The first thing he thought about when he had woken up this morning was to call Necro and tell him everything. He desperately needed to talk to someone about it all and get another opinion on it. He had however stopped himself just in time as he dialed the other man's number.

_If it's none of my business then it's definitely not his either..._

The drummer had then slowly put the phone back down as he thought about how he just had to pretend that everything was normal.

_...besides..._

_...Necro would just think I was joking anyway...he would never believe me..._

Hellhammer bit his lip and walked away from the wall he was leaning on as he went to throw away his finished cigarettes in the trash can outside the hotel.

_But..._

_...what if all of this really is just a joke?_

He narrowed his eyes as he finished the last of his coffee before walking inside the building again.

_What if Dead and Euronymous have been messing with me all this time?_

_What if they knew that I could hear them now?_

_...and what about the cum I found in the car? Was it planted there deliberately?!_

His mind suddenly exploded in more questions and his breath sped up as he went to get another coffee before finding his table again.

_What if they have been trying to fuck with me to make me feel uncomfortable?!_

_What if they are doing it because they are trying to make me leave the band?!_

_What if this has been their fucking plan all along?!_

_First get rid of Necro..._

_..then hiring Varg as a replacement and pretending to dislike him..._

_...just to fuck with my mind even more to make sure I would leave!_

''...Dude!...'', Hellhammer mumbled to himself at all the exhausting paranoid thoughts in his head.

He took another sip from his coffee and then scrunched up his nose before looking down at his cup.

_Wait..._

_...this isn't normal coffee..._

_...what the fuck did I get now?!_

He sighed loudly and clenched his jaw tight.

_...god damn that motherfucking machine!_

Upstairs in their hotel room, Euronymous woke with a sudden small gasp before he quickly reached up with one hand to clutch at his throat.

''Fuck...'', he whispered, as he relived the nightmare he had just had of being strangled and losing consciousness.

_Fuck you Varg!_

He panted hard and stared wide eyed at the ceiling while softly caressing his throat and neck. The dream had been so lifelike and for a moment he had been sure that he really was going to die from being suffocated by two strong hands.

The guitarist closed his eyes and swallowed hard as he tried to slow down his breathing. He took a deep breath and stroked away some hair that was sticking to his skin. He had been tossing and turning restlessly all night and knew he had to go take a shower after waking up in a sweat from all the night terrors.

_Can't remember the last time I had a bad dream..._

Euronymous careful sat up straight on the bed as he thought about how his whole life was a fucking nightmare right now.

''Damn it!'', he hissed as a sharp pain shot through his face when he moved his head.

He grabbed his bruised cheek and cursed under his breath at how sore and painful it felt.

_Damn you Varg! Damn you to hell!!_

''Dead!'', the Norwegian man mumbled suddenly, forgetting all about his own pain as he quickly turned to look at the blonde man next to him.

The vocalist had his back towards him and was lying completely still on the bed.

Euronymous held his breath as he stared intensely at the Swede.

_Come on..._

When the frontman made a small stir in his sleep, the guitarist let out the deep breath he had been holding and he closed his eyes in relief.

_You're still here...._

_..thank you...._

Euronymous slowly moved out of the bed and went in to the bathroom where he got a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

''No...'', he whimpered devastated as he saw that the skin on his cheek had turned slightly blue and yellow from right under his eye to just under his nose.

''Fuck, fuck, fuck!'', he groaned and briefly touched his face again, gasping at how much just the smallest contact hurt.

He hissed as he took off his shirt and stared in disbelief at the faint hand marks on his throat.

_...okay...okay...._

_That's not so bad...no one will see unless they know what to look for..._

He tried telling himself words of encouragement to make himself feel less miserable, but when he looked up and saw the bruises on his face again he couldn't take it anymore and sank down on his knees with a heavy sob.

_I'm so fucking tired of this!_

_So tired of him!_

_Just leave us alone!_

The guitarist buried his face against his hands as another dry sob forced it's way out from between his lips.

''Shut up!'', he hissed to himself, scooting back towards the wall so he could lean his head against it.

His whole body was aching now and he whimpered as his face began to throb in pain. With trembling hands he hugged himself pitifully and wished for a small second that someone would come in and hold him close, telling him that everything was going to be okay.

_I can't do this alone..._

_I can't do this!_

''Shut the fuck up now!'', he mumbled angry at his own weakness, slamming his hand down on the floor.

_I'm not alone...I've got Dead..._

_I hope..._

Euronymous bit his lip to stop the whine that threatened to escape as he recalled how last night had ended for them both.

_...was he really going to do it?_

_I don't believe it..._

_I won't believe it!_

Yesterday had been one of the worst days in his life and he couldn't understand how he would find the strength to go on as if everything was still normal today.

_You can and you will!_

_Now get a fucking grip man!_

_What are you, a fucking pussy?!_

The guitarist swallowed heavily again, ''No...I'm not...'', he whispered to himself.

_I'm Euronymous!_

_Leader of fucking Mayhem!_

_And nobody fucks with me!_

With newfound strength, the Norwegian man stood up from the floor and looked at his reflection again. He narrowed his eyes at the bruises and turned his face to get a better look at himself.

_I'll get you for this Varg..._

_I'll get you for everything..._

_...I promise..._

Down at the dining hall, Hellhammer was just about to go get some food after being tired of waiting for the others to show up. As he was getting up he spotted a hooded figure coming towards him and he tilted his head questioningly.

_...is that...?_

''...Euronymous?'', he asked as he saw the guitarist coming in closer.

''Hey man'', Euronymous said as he threw himself down on one of the chairs at the table.

The drummer looked at the other man who was wearing Dead's big, black sweater with the hood up, almost covering his entire face.

_...so they're sharing clothes now...?_

_Alright then..._

''Almost didn't recognize you in that!'', Hellhammer said and nodded towards the sweater.

''Oh, uh, yeah...I just grabbed the first thing I saw...knew I was late so...'', Euronymous shrugged, trying to sound casual.

Hellhammer gave the other man a long look as the guitarist was busy watching all the other people coming to eat.

''Okay...'', the drummer said a little hesitantly as he stood up, ''I'm gonna get some food now...''.

''Yeah, cool. I'll watch the table'', Euronymous answered, shifting his eyes nervously around the room.

Hellhammer gave the guitarist a last reluctantly look before he walked off to finally get some breakfast.

As soon as the drummer went, Euronymous moved his chair so that his back were against the others in the dining hall before he pushed off the hood and stroked his hand through his long, black hair. He had purposefully taken Dead's big hoodie to try and hide his bruises since he didn't really have anything else that would cover up the marks on his throat and face.

_...it makes me feel closer to him too..._

He shut his eyes with a deep sigh and rested his head heavily against his hand.

_A few more hours and I am home..._

_I can do this!!_

Hellhammer filled his plate with a little of everything at the breakfast buffet as he didn't want to miss out on anything now that he was here. As he poured himself some orange juice he looked over at the table where the guitarist was still sitting and saw that the other man had collapsed into his arms.

_He's so tired lately..._

_...is that because of Dead and what they're doing together...at night?_

The drummer felt his cheek reddening at the thought as he kept looking at the guitarist.

_I just can't believe it..._

_Him and Dead..._

Hellhammer narrowed his eyes when he recalled his paranoid thoughts earlier.

_I swear Euronymous if this is all a joke..._

He breathed out slowly as a quick burst of heated anger shot through him at the thought of being played like that.

_They're not playing you, and you fucking know it!_

_Who the fuck would joke like that anyway!?_

Hellhammer nodded to himself as he began to walk back to his table just as Euronymous sat up straight in his chair.

_I know...I know..._

_...I've seen the way they look at each other...that shit's for real!_

_You can't fake that..._

Something stirred inside him at the thought but he didn't get a chance to dwell on it as he came closer and almost stopped in his track when he spotted the guitarist's bruised cheek.

_...what...the...fuck?_

Hellhammer stared wide eyed at Euronymous as his breath began to speed up. His eyes moved slowly over the blue and yellow skin before he saw in disbelief the red hand mark on the other man's throat as the guitarist slowly stroked his hand over it.

_What the fuck?!_

_That...that wasn't there last night...was it?_

_Did Dead...?_

_Fuck..._

_...did Dead to that?_

_...is that part of their...playing?_

The drummer shuddered as he pictured the frontman struggling underneath the guitarist, pretending to try and fight him off before the vocalist got locked down in submission.

_...fuck...why am I even surprised...._

_Dysfunctional weirdos...of course they're not gonna have normal sex...._

Hellhammer continued to stare in shock and awe at Euronymous as he sat down at their table. As soon as the other man looked up and their eyes met he felt embarrassed for staring and he blurted out, ''What the fuck happened to your face?''.

The drummer kicked himself mentally for asking.

_Are you kidding me?!_

_Just...Why!!??_

_I. Don't. Want. To. Know!!!_

Euronymous looked caught off guard for a second before he pulled himself together and smirked, ''Some asshole accidentally hit me in the face at the club last night...didn't know it was that bad until today...'', he said, raising his head more confidently and staring the drummer right in the eyes.

Hellhammer held the guitarist's gaze before he chuckled and smirked back.

''I remember that happened to me once...I think it was Necro actually that did it...'', he laughed and decided to give Euronymous the benefit of the doubt.

Euronymous snorted, ''You sure it was an accident then...?'', he mumbled with a smirk before standing up.

Hellhammer blinked and then growled angry, ''...that motherfucker...'', he mumbled and cracked his knuckles together, thinking about how he would greet their former bassist with a fist to the face next time he saw him.

''I'm getting food. Be right back'', Euronymous grinned.

Hellhammer watched the other man walk off and followed him with his eyes until he came to the coffee machine.

_Let's see how long it takes for you to figure that out..._

He smirked as he saw the guitarist bite his lip thoughtfully before quickly pressing a button to get what he wanted.

_...what?_

_No way..._

_Already?!_

''Asshole coffee machine...took me a few seconds there...you would think they could have at least try to make it easier to find normal coffee...'', the guitarist muttered as he came back and placed his cup of plain black coffee down.

Hellhammer grit his teeth, ''Yeah...'', he mumbled, not wanting to admit how long it had taken him to get what he wanted.

''So...where's Dead?'', he asked quickly instead.

Euronymous took a sip of his coffee and hissed at how warm it was, ''Still sleeping I guess'', he shrugged and began making himself a sandwich.

''You guess?'', Hellhammer asked, raising an eyebrow.

''Yeah...?'', Euronymous wondered, taking a bite of his food.

The drummer sighed, wishing he could just tell the other man that he could cut the crap and stop pretending like he didn't care about the vocalist.

''So you don't know if he's even awake?'', the drummer questioned, wanting to push the guitarist a little.

Euronymous gave another careless shrug, ''Who cares? It's not like he ever eats breakfast anyway unless we force it upon him'', he said.

''But what if he's gotten ill again? The last days have been heavy, you know...'', Hellhammer said, crossing his arms and giving the other man a stern look.

''For fuck sake man, does it even matter? He did the concert and today we're just gonna be at the studio, and we don't need him there. He can stay in that fucking bed until we leave later if that's what he wants'', Euronymous exclaimed annoyed.

_You stay in that room Dead!_

_You stay there and be safe away from Varg!_

''Fine!', Hellhammer said loudly, looking away in irritation.

_Why Euronymous?!_

_Why do you insist on being such a fucking cunt to everyone?!_

_Even to Dead?!_

_One day you seem to care about him....buying him shit to make him feel better..._

… _.and then the next day it's like he's just in your way!_

The drummer clenched his fists together at the thought. He wanted to believe that everything was alright between his two band members, but he knew deep down that something was wrong.

_They're not themselves..._

_...carrying so much negativity with them..._

_...maybe they never should have started this...thing...that they have together..._

''So...how's Necro?'', Euronymous suddenly asked.

''...what?'', Hellhammer asked, not believing that he heard the guitarist right.

Euronymous sighed deeply, ''How the fuck is Necro? I know you're talking together...'', he said with a slight anger in his voice.

''I'm not in the mood to talk shit now'', the drummer said defensively.

''I'm being serious. I want to know what he's up to now that he's not with us'', Euronymous said, trying to sound more sincere.

Hellhammer gave the guitarist a skeptical look, ''He's fine'', he answered shortly.

''Okay? So, what is he doing? Does he have another band?'', Euronymous asked, unable to hide the bitterness in his voice again.

''No. He does not. So don't worry. There's no competition coming your way.'', Hellhammer said, rolling his eyes.

''I'm just trying to make conversation here, man!'', Euronymous said, slightly offended.

Hellhammer snorted, ''By asking about Necro? You don't give a shit about him!''.

''Yeah, I'm still pissed as fuck, but me and him go way back, so excuse me for wanting to know how my old friend is doing!'', Euronymous said aggravated.

''Okay! I'm sorry! I honestly didn't really think you cared...'', the drummer said.

''...I don't...'', Euronymous muttered under his breath as he took a sip from his coffee.

''...but if you really want to know...'', Hellhammer continued, ignoring the guitarist's childish insult, ''...then he's not really doing anything now after Mayhem, okay? He's got some sort of evening job doing some shit...but he spends all his money on...''.

''...drugs and alcohol?'', Euronymous shot in with a smirk.

Hellhammer chuckled, ''Totally'', he confirmed with a grin.

''Fucking predictable cunt'', the guitarist laughed.

Hellhammer had to smile at the genuine laugh from the other man and it made him think of how they all used to be so close friends.

_Just take him back Euronymous!_

_Get rid of Varg and bring Necro back!_

_We are the true Mayhem!_

_Can't you see that?!_

He desperately wanted to ask the guitarist to hire Necro again but he was afraid that Euronymous would just get angry and feel that he was being nagged on.

_He needs to figure this out himself..._

_...needs to understand that Necro is the only one who should play in our band..._

_...I just hope that his arrogance doesn't get in the way of seeing what's the right thing to do..._

In the hotel room of Dead and Euronymous, the vocalist was wincing painfully as he struggled to sit upright in bed after waking up. He was so tired and sore from last night and he felt like collapsing back down again the minute he managed to sit straight on the edge of the bed.

Dead whimpered when every muscle in his body ached and he shivered from the cold air in the room as he was still naked.

_Where's my sweater?_

He looked desperately around the room, trying to locate his clothing, but he couldn't see anything.

_I was sure I threw it on the chair..._

_...could I have left it in the bathroom instead?_

''Oh fuck...'', he cried as he stood up.

His legs and thighs was burning from being held wide open for so long yesterday and it almost hurt him to walk just those few steps to the bathroom.

_Where is it?!_

Dead sighed in frustration when he didn't see his sweater anywhere and he clutched his body helplessly as he suddenly felt so alone and scared.

_...and where are you Euronymous?!_

_Where are you?!_

The frontman walked out of the bathroom and spotted his dark jeans that he hastily put on. The small movements made him whimper and he almost sobbed when he carefully sat down on the bed again. A small burn began to spread around his entrance and he cried out and flushed in shame as he knew that it came from having his hole stretched more than he was used to.

_...it hurt...he said he wouldn't hurt me...._

_But he did!_

The tears gathered in the blonde man's eyes and it didn't take long before they spilled over and he began to cry heavily.

_I want to go home!_

_NOW!_

He crawled up on the bed again and curled up on himself, crying hard as he thought about everything that was happening to him. He did not want to leave this bed until he absolutely had to today. He knew that Varg wanted them in the studio but there was no way he would ever want to see the bassist again.

_I'm not going, no matter what._

_I refuse to go!_

Dead wiped the tears from his face and blinked to get his sight clearer. He wondered when Euronymous would come back.

_Is he down eating breakfast?_

_Why didn't he wake me..._

The vocalist knew that he wouldn't have gone down anyway, but it still would have been nice if the guitarist would tell him that he left.

_He shouldn't leave me alone..._

_Not after everything..._

_He should be here!_

_With me!_

Dead felt the water gather in his eyes again and he buried his face against the pillow when the tears rolled down his cheeks.

_What did Varg mean yesterday?_

_Why did he want Euronymous to admit that he liked it?_

_It's not true!_

_...it can't be..._

_...he would never..._

_...right?_

Dead's heart grew anxious at the thought and he recalled how he had briefly felt the Norwegian mans erection press against him last night.

_...it doesn't mean anything..._

_He said it himself._

_He can't help his reactions...because it's me....and I turn him on...._

The frontman blushed a little and he tried telling himself that he should feel proud about that, that it was a good thing. That it meant that the guitarist really liked him and wanted him.

_He wants me_

_He cares about me_

_And he would never betray me_

Dead repeated the words in his mind over and over again until the tears dried up and his heart stopped pounding so hard inside his chest. With a more determined move he got up from the bed again and carefully walked over to the bag that Euronymous had packed for them. The frontman hissed in agony as he got down on his knees so he could look through it. He was shivering from not having any clothes to cover his upper body with and he desperately searched for something he could wear.

_Yes!_

Dead smiled slightly as he pulled up one of his T-shirts before quickly throwing it on.

_It's even my favorite..._

_...does he know that?_

The Swedish man kept the small smile on his face as he thought about how the guitarist had packed their bag.

_He probably knows yes..._

_Euronymous knows everything._

The smile grew wider and for a small moment the frontman forgot all about his pain and sorrow as he pictured the Norwegian man stand confidently in front of him. Dead cringed as his body began to ache again when he got up from his kneeling position on the floor.

_I'm so tired...just want to lie down..._

He dragged himself over to the bed and collapsed on it. Now that his heart was beating a little more steadier and his mind wasn't clouded in despair, the only thing he wanted to do was to sleep some more.

_Maybe when I wake up I will be back home..._

Dead covered himself in his blanket and smirked at his childish wish that he deep down hoped would come true.

At the dining hall, Euronymous and Hellhammer was almost done eating when the drummer put down his sandwich and looked at the other man again.

''Are you sure we shouldn't take anything up to Dead...? Not even some coffee?'', he asked a bit skeptical.

Euronymous finished his food before he answered, ''Yeah, sure, we can take some coffee up I guess...'', he shrugged.

''Alright!'', Hellhammer smiled, ''...you ready to leave?'', he asked, standing up.

Euronymous nodded as he too stood up before walking over to the coffee machine.

''Dude, you should totally take that mocca shit up to him. He would love that, don't you think? With chocolate taste...'', Hellhammer said over his shoulder as the guitarist grabbed a cup.

''Smart!'', Euronymous said, giving the drummer a quick pat on the back before he placed the cup on the machine and pushed the right button.

Hellhammer tensed at the small touch and he had to fight down the urge to shudder.

_That hand has touched Dead..._

_Dead's whole naked body..._

_All of it..._

The drummer was starting to get tired of his own brain reacting like this today.

_You've known about them for a long time now!_

_Why are you suddenly acting so weird about it!_

He sighed quietly. He knew he had to pull himself together and stop thinking about it all.

''...dude?''

Euronymous looked questioningly at the other man who seemed to have spaced out completely behind him.

''...are you still with me...?'', the guitarist asked with a chuckled as the drummer slowly raised his eyes and blinked at him.

''...what?'', Hellhammer wondered confused, having not paid any attention to what Euronymous had been saying.

Euronymous smiled, ''Do you want one too?'', he asked, already holding two cups meant for him and Dead.

Hellhammer nodded absentmindedly as the guitarist filled one more cup of coffee to him.

''What the fuck happened man? Did an alien come and steal your brain?'', Euronymous laughed at the sudden silence from the drummer.

Hellhammer continued to only nod, lost in thoughts, before he narrowed his eyebrows, ''...wait...what...?'', he asked, suddenly registering what the other man had said.

Euronymous grinned at him again and gave him the coffee cup before he walked off.

''Let's go!'', he called out, heading for the elevator.

Outside the hotel room, Euronymous suddenly stopped as his heart began to beat fast.

_Fuck...what if Dead's not dressed?_

_Oh shit....oh fuck....what if he's still naked...in bed....our bed!_

_Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!_

''What are you waiting for?'', Hellhammer asked, looking at the guitarist who seemed to hesitate with the key.

''...uh...nothing...I just thought that maybe we should have brought some fruit up...or something...'', Euronymous said.

''...fruit?'', Hellhamer repeated after him with one raised eyebrow.

''Yes. Fruit.'', Euronymous confirmed, giving the drummer a serious look.

''Why?'', Hellhammer sighed, wanting to sit down and drink his coffee.

''For Dead. He should eat something. And fruit is easy, and sweet. He likes sweet'', Euronymous said, mumbling out the last part.

Hellhammer rolled his eyes, ''Let me guess. You want me to go get it?'', he said unenthusiastically.

''Uh, yeah. Of course. Now, be a good boy and run down.'', the guitarist smirk and got ready to open the door.

Hellhammer narrowed his eyes but didn't say anything.

''Fine'', he muttered.

''Here, I'll take your cup'', Euronymous said as he slipped inside the room and quickly placed down his two cups before snatching the drummer's own one.

Hellhammer barley had any time to blink before the door closed on him.

_...you have got to be fucking kidding me..._

_Fruit?!_

_...for fuck sake..._

_Back to caring again Euronymous?_

Hellhammer stomped off downstairs again to see what he could find. He knew that there was another reason why the guitarist didn't want to let him in to the room yet, but he did not want to dwell on it at all.

_None of my business...none of my business...none of my business..._

Dead blinked tiredly as he heard the sound of a door open and close behind him. For a second he actually thought he was back home but that feeling quickly disappeared as he recognized the room he was in.

''Euronymous?'', he mumbled as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

''Hey...you're dressed'', the guitarist said as he came closer to sit down on the bed next to him.

Dead nodded sleepily and leaned his head back against the headboard, still feeling too tired to do anything else.

''...so tired...'', he muttered and shut his eyes.

''...yeah...me too...'', Euronymous sighed, making the frontman open his eyes to look at him.

''...did you take my sweater?'', Dead asked, narrowing his eyes as he saw what the Norwegian man was wearing.

Euronymous chuckled, ''Yes. Sorry. Here...'', he said and pulled it over his head, revealing his naked chest.

Dead swallowed and looked at the guitarist as he handed him the sweater. He put it on himself and sighed softly as it was still warm from when Euronymous had been wearing it.

''...oh no...'', the vocalist gasped quietly as he first now registered the Norwegian man's bruised face.

''...I know...it's bad...'', Euronymous said, smiling miserably.

Dead felt horrible at the sight and he lifted his hand automatically to touch the guitarist's face before he stopped himself in hesitation. He had never touched Euronymous like that and he wasn't sure if the other man would even want him to do it now.

He was about to drop his hand before Euronymous moved closer to him as if he wanted him to continue.

Dead's heart beat faster as he carefully placed his hand on the guitarist's bruised cheek. He parted his lips in silent awe when Euronymous looked him in the eyes and leaned in to the small touch.

_He needs this..._

The vocalist slowly stroked his thumb over the small cut underneath the Norwegian man's eye and he felt his heart flutter a little when Euronymous closed his eyes with a sigh and kissed his wrist softly. Dead held his hand still and let the guitarist's lips linger on his skin. He was almost afraid to move, not wanting to do anything wrong.

Euronymous opened his eyes and looked at the Swede lovingly. He gently took a hold of the frontman's hand and kissed his wrist tenderly again before he let the hand stroke down his face and throat to stop at the red mark around his neck.

''...my healing touch...'', the guitarist mumbled with a smile, closing his eyes again as the vocalist's hand rested softly on him.

Dead gave a small smile back and stared at his hand.

_...maybe I can heal your wounds Euronymous..._

_...but can you heal mine?_

The Swedish man felt a cold feeling of dread creep up upon him and he couldn't help wondering if things were ever going to be the same between them.

_We have to talk about this Euronymous...you know we do..._

_I need to know....need to know the truth..._

_...how you really feel...about this....about me..._

_...do you still care?_

A loud kick to the door made them both jump back and Euronymous looked into the fearful eyes of the vocalist.

''Open the fucking door!''

The drummer's voice called from the outside and Euronymous sighed in relief.

''It's just Hellhammer with the fruit...'', he smiled quietly at Dead who was still looking unsure.

''...what fruit?'', Dead asked skeptically as the guitarist stood up to let the other man in.

''For you. Especially. To eat now....'', Euronymous answered, suddenly remembering the coffee he had brought up too, ''...and this! It's with chocolate''.

Dead's eyes lit up slightly as he was handed the warm cup of nice smelling coffee.

''Mmmm smells tasty'', he muttered, taking a small sip before widening his eyes in delight.

''Good?'', Euronymous chuckled, licking his lips as he watched the blonde man nod eagerly.

Outside of the door, Hellhammer was impatiently standing with a plate of fruit, ready to kick the door hard again.

_They better not be doing anything in there..._

He was just about to reach out with his foot as the door swung open and revealed the guitarist standing topless in front of him.

_Oh, hell NO Euronymous!_

_Not today!_

Hellhammer stared in disbelief at the other man's naked chest.

_WHY isn't he wearing a shirt?!_

_For fuck sake man!_

_I don't want to see that!_

_Not today!!_

''Get in fucker'', Euronymous sighed, stepping aside so the drummer could walk past him.

Hellhammer immediately spotted the vocalist on the bed and he felt his body tense as he caught Dead's eyes.

''...hey'', he said, smiling weakly as the frontman nodded back to him.

Without wanting to his eyes began to wander over the bed, looking quickly at the bed sheets and the blankets, searching for any sign of...

_...of what?!_

_Any sign of what?!_

_...sex?!_

… _.fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...._

Hellhammer breathed in fast and threw himself down on the chair, pulling it as far as he could away from the bed, not wanting to stay unnecessarily close to it. His mind was floating with graphic images again of his two band members and it didn't help one bit that the guitarist was still sitting half naked on the bed next to the blonde Swede.

_God damn it Euronymous, put some fucking clothes on!_

When he unwillingly looked at the frontman again, he noticed that he was wearing the sweater that the guitarist had used earlier and it gave him some peace to realize that it was probably why Euronymous didn't have any shirt on at the moment.

_Okay, so he was just about to change clothes..._

_Good..._

_Now chill out man...for real..._

_Everything's cool...everything's fine..._

_Try to be happy for them...you can do it..._

… _.and stop picturing them having sex!_

Hellhammer reddened as the voice in his head abruptly cut him off from seeing his two friends doing dirty things on the bed together.

''Is that honey melon?'', Dead suddenly asked, nodding towards the fruit plate that the drummer was still holding.

''...uh...yeah! Yeah it is! ...here have some!'', Hellhammer said, putting a smile on his face and handing the plate over to the Swedish man.

Dead picked up a melon bite and bit into it, '''Oh this is nice...'', he mumbled, taking another bite.

Euronymous smiled at him, ''Is it sweet?'', he asked softly, wondering what fruit he wanted to take for himself.

The vocalist nodded as he took a sip from his coffee, ''Not a bad breakfast...'', he concluded quietly to himself, looking pleased at the melon he had in one hand and the coffee cup he had in the other.

Euronymous gave a slight eye roll at the comment but only smirked as he saw how the food seemed to cheer the frontman up a bit.

''Need to find something to wear...'', the guitarist muttered, looking thoughtfully over at his bag.

''Toss me a shirt, will you?'', Euronymous said to the drummer and reached out to grab some grapes from the fruit plate.

Hellhammer bit his lip and sighed internally as he grabbed the bag by his feet, pulling up the first black shirt he found.

''Here, asshole'', he mumbled and threw it hard at the guitarist.

Euronymous took it quickly with one hand just as he bit into one of the small grapes, ''...why are you in such a mood lately, man?'', he wondered with a slight smirk on his face.

''You think I am moody? What? ….bullshit....you are moody!'', Hellhammer shot back in childish offense, crossing his arms.

Euronymous grinned as he continued to eat his fruit, ''Nah-ah! You're suppose to be, like, the cool, calm, collective one in the group. And here you are kicking down doors and throwing clothes at people!''.

A small chuckle could be heard from the frontman and Euronymous cherished the sweet sound of Dead laughing quietly.

The drummer, however, was not so amused as he continued to stare at the guitarist through narrowed eyes, ''Just put your fucking shirt on!'', he said with a loud sigh.

''Alright, alright'', Euronymous smiled as he pulled on his black shirt and grabbed his cup of coffee.

''When are we planning on leaving?'', Hellhammer asked, feeling less tense now that the other man had covered himself.

''Uhm, yeah....fuck....almost forgot we had that shit to do...'', Euronymous mumbled, his smile completely gone at the thought of meeting Varg.

Next to him, Dead was about to take another sip from his cup when his hand stopped mid air at the mention of leaving. He slowly lowered his hand down again and Euronymous knew the vocalist was terrified at the thought of going outside.

''Well?'', Hellhammer wondered, drinking his own coffee and chewing on an apple.

Euronymous shrugged, ''I guess...anytime...Varg didn't really say...''.

The drummer kept looking at him as if he expected a more fulfilling answer.

''I mean...I think he's at the studio already, so, as long as we can get it all done before the train leaves then I suppose we can go whenever'', Euronymous said, looking thoughtfully down at the cup in his hand

''Alright! I'm feeling restless, so I'm more than ready to get going...'', Hellhammer said, leaning forward and looking hopefully at the guitarist.

Euronymous could practically feel Dead's tension next to him when he opened his mouth to speak, ''Yeah, sure. We can go''.

He stood up from the bed and went to grab his leather jacket to put it on before looking at the vocalist.

''Get some rest'', Euronymous said shortly to the Swedish man who gave him a bewildered look before only nodding silently.

The guitarist saw the anxiety disappear from the frontman's eyes when he realized that he didn't have to come with them. It gave Euronymous relief knowing that Dead at least would feel a little safer alone at the hotel room instead of having to see Varg again. He refused to think about what had happened last night when he had found Dead in the bathroom with a razor blade above his wrist.

_He's not going to do anything!_

_It was just a stupid act because of a stupid situation caused by that stupid cunt Varg!_

_He will be fine by himself!_

''See ya later Dead!'', Hellhammer smiled, giving the Swede a small wave as he opened the door to step out.

Dead gave a brief smile back before looking up at the guitarist again as if to make sure that he had heard right.

Euronymous quickly looked behind him to see that Hellhammer had walked out before he leaned down and stroked the frontman's back.

''Finish your coffee now, and eat your fruit. It's good for you'', he said softly, giving the vocalist a small kiss on the head.

Dead licked his lips and nodded as he stared at the pieces of orange on the fruit plate.

''Okay'', he mumbled, grabbing one piece and biting into it.

Euronymous smiled and took the remote control to turn on the tv.

''Tonight we're back home....hold on to that thought'', the guitarist murmured against the Swedish man's ear as he leaned down to give him a hug before he turned to leave.

Hellhammer was patiently waiting right outside the door when Euronymous came out.

''Everything okay?'', the drummer asked.

''Sure. Come on.'', Euronymous said as he put up a fast pace, wanting it all to be over and done with.

''At least now we get to see some of the city in daytime'', Hellhammer said as they came outside the hotel.

''Whatever'', Euronymous mumbled, not the least bit interested in walking around in his worst enemies hometown.

The thought made his skin crawl and he felt more and more anxious as they walked through the streets. He kept looking over his shoulder and holding his breath silently around every corner.

The guitarist looked at the drummer next to him who was carelessly looking around at all the buildings they were passing by. Even though he didn't trust the other man completely one hundred percent, he was still grateful that he was here with him in case anything happened.

''Okay, I think this is it!'', Hellhammer said as they stood outside the building where the recording were to take place.

Euronymous nodded silently and felt his heart pound as he opened the door and stepped inside the big hall.

_Remember now...show no fear..._

''Not quit sure where we are going but...'', he mumbled, looking around the room as the anxiety grew heavier within him.

''Should we ask someone?'', Hellhammer suggested, finding a chair to sit down in.

''Who? There's nobody here!'', Euronymous sighed, wanting to just run back out the door again.

He felt suddenly sick from nervousness and it didn't help that they didn't know where they were going.

''...are you okay? ...you look a little pale...'', the drummer commented.

Euronymous only nodded, feeling more and more dizzy from all the stress of knowing he was close to facing Varg again.

_Get a grip!_

_Get a fucking, fucking grip!_

_Now!_

''Maybe you should sit down a little...'', Hellhammer said, standing up to give the guitarist his chair.

''No...no...I'm fine...just...'', Euronymous mumbled, waving off the other man.

''Seriously, man, you look like you're about to faint!'', Hellhammer exclaimed, coming over to place his hand on the guitarist's back.

''Dude, don't touch me...I'm fine!''. Euronymous snapped.

_I'm not weak!_

He felt embarrassed from having the drummer point out that he looked closed to fainting. If Hellhammer could see it that easily then Varg would have no problem sensing his weakness too.

_I can't let that happen!_

''Just give me two seconds...'', Euronymous said more quietly, taking the chair that was offered to him.

''Alright. Just breathe. Maybe you're just getting what Dead is having...'', Hellhammer said, referring to the vocalist's alleged illness for the last couple of days.

''Yeah, maybe....'', Euronymous mumbled, not wanting to think about how there actually was some truth to what the other man had just said.

_I'm definitely not feeling like myself right now..._

_Anxious....nervous...stressed out...and scared...._

_...like Dead..._

Euronymous hated every single part of it. It made him furious knowing that anyone could make him feel this way.

_Fuck you Varg!_

_I'm the leader! Not you!_

_You have no power here!_

_You. Can't. Control. Me!_

He held on to the thought, forcing himself to believe in it even though the small voice at the back of his head was laughing at his naive fantasy of thinking he was in charge.

_Shut up!_

Euronymous did all he could to ignore the mocking voice inside his mind and instead focused on breathing deeply to regain control of his body.

''...how are you feeling?'', Hellhammer asked softly after a few minutes.

The guitarist looked up and saw the drummer stare down at him with a concerned look on his face.

_Stop pitying me!_

''I'm fine'', he said, a hint of irritation in his voice as he got up from his chair and began walking down one of the hallways.

Hellhammer sighed, ''Do you suddenly know where we are going?'', he called out.

''No! So come on!'', Euronymous yelled back, almost already out of sight.

Hellhammer rolled his eyes at the other man's arrogant determination but followed quickly after before he completely lost him.

Euronymous felt his heart skip a beat as a door with the sign 'Studio' on it appeared in front of him. He stopped abruptly and stared at the door handle when he heard the faint sound of music coming through the wall.

_He's in there..._

Carefully, he glanced at Hellhammer from the corner of his eye and saw that the drummer was looking back at him. He quickly averted his eyes and placed his hand on the handle.

''If you need a break, just let me know, and we'll get some air'', Hellhammer said quietly next to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Euronymous surprised himself by nodding gratefully and appreciating the warm gesture.

_I need a friend in there...not another enemy..._

''Thanks'', he whispered, giving the other man a small smile before he pushed down the handle of the door and walked in to the studio room.

As soon as he saw Varg smirking at them from where he was sitting and adjusting his guitar, he felt a hot rage burn inside him. He had anticipated to feel fear at the sight of the bassist, but instead it was only anger and hate that consumed him.

Euronymous raised his head and held the other mans gaze as he came further into the room. He returned the smug smirk and threw himself down on the chair next to the bassist.

''So. We're here.'', he said, still staring Varg right in the eyes.

''Yes, you are'', Varg answered quietly, dropping the eye contact to look at the drummer who had walked in behind Euronymous.

''I see only two where there should be three....now why could that be?'', the bassist said with a calm smile, piercing his eyes into the guitarist again.

Euronymous swallowed, ''Dead's resting. He's not coming''.

Varg's smile twitched as if it was about to drop before he pulled himself together.

''Guess I'll just have to come back with you to the hotel to say goodbye then'', he said, grinning as he saw a slight hint of fear in the guitarist's eyes.

''...what? You're not leaving on the train with us?!'', Hellhammer asked in a stunned voice.

Varg gave Euronymous one last smirk before he focused his attention on the drummer.

''No. You will have to excuse me for my sudden departure, but I have other business to attend to.'', he said, placing down his guitar.

Hellhammer blinked confused, ''Uh...what? ...does that mean you're leaving the band? ...leaving us?'', he asked in a small voice, not really believing what he was hearing.

Varg chuckled, ''Now that you will have to ask your leader about. I have my own things to do for a while, so it's all up to Euronymous what he wants later.'', he said, holding back his laughter at the look of pure disbelief on the drummers face.

Hellhammer turned to look at the guitarist, ''What?! ...Did you know about this?!''.

Euronymous didn't answer, only giving a careless shrug. Truth was that he didn't know about it but he had been determined to get rid of the younger man anyway so he didn't really give a shit. He knew he should feel angry because it was clear to him now that Varg only wanted to use him for his own benefit, but he was so relieved at knowing that he was never going to see that cunt ever again after this so he just kept his mouth shut.

''So we're back to having no bassist then'', Hellhammer concluded with an annoyed sigh.

''Just leave it to me, alright? I'll see what we'll do when we get back home. Don't freak out.'', Euronymous said, not wanting to discuss this now.

''Yes. You just relax Hellhammer. It's not all over....I can always come back...'', Varg said, coming over to place a friendly hand on the drummer's shoulder while giving the guitarist a cold smirk.

Euronymous shivered as he met the younger man's eyes.

_Don't you dare Varg...don't you fucking dare!_

_Get the hell out of our lives!_

''We should get started, don't you think?'', the guitarist said, trying to ignore the subtle threat from the bassist.

''Yes. We should.'', Varg said, letting the hand he had placed on Hellhammer's shoulder stroke slowly down the drummer's back and then discreetly over his waist before he stepped away to pick up one of his instruments.

Euronymous would have laughed out loud if it had been anyone else touching the other man like that because the look of pure disgust and shock on the drummer's face was priceless to witness. Now however, he only felt revolted at the way the bassist kept laying his hands on whoever he pleased.

_You sick piece of shit!_

The only good thing he could see coming out of it was the way Hellhammer was crossing his arms firmly while giving Varg a repulsive look, almost seeming angry at the younger man.

''Oh, no. I seem to have forgotten something. Be right back gentlemen.'', Varg said as he walked out of the room to go to his car.

As soon as the bassist was out the door, Hellhammer couldn't keep quiet any longer.

''You saw that, didn't you?! Right?! ...What the fuck was that?!'', the drummer yelled, throwing his arms out and looking intensely at the guitarist.

Euronymous didn't get a chance to answer before the other man began talking again.

''Fucking disgusting! Like, what the hell! …..If he touches me ONE MORE TIME.....!'', Hellhammer let the words hang in the air as he breathed heavily in anger.

''I fucking knew there was something fucked with the guy...You know, it's not the first time he's done something like that either. Yesterday, he put his fucking hand on my leg! While I was lying on the bed!'', the drummer stared wide eyed at the guitarist as he talked.

Euronymous bit his lip as his heart beat faster.

_...should I tell him....?_

'' Good fucking riddance I'll say! There's no fucking way I'm working close with someone who's like that!'', the drummer growled, pointing his finger hard at the guitarist.

Euronymous kept his face expressionless as he listened to the other man speak. The last thing the drummer said had made his stomach turn and he slowly began to feel sick again.

_What do you mean Hellhammer about 'someone like that'?_

_Someone who's just a disrespectful cunt?_

_...or someone who likes to touch other men...?_

_...someone who might be gay..._

_...is that what you mean...?!_

_Is it?!_

''Well?! Don't you agree?!'', Hellhammer asked loudly.

Euronymous stared into the furious eyes of the other man as he nodded slowly.

''Yes'', he said in a quiet voice.

_He can never know..._

_NO ONE can ever know!_

''Fuck, man, you are looking pale as shit again.'', Hellhammer sighed, looking around the room to see if there was a window he could open.

''Come here...'', the drummer said, gesturing to the small window he spotted on the other side of the room.

Euronymous reluctantly got up from his chair. He felt unbalanced and walked carefully over to where Hellhammer had opened the window for him.

''Better?'', Hellhammer asked softly as the guitarist leaned out to take a deep breath of the cold air.

''Yeah...'', Euronymous muttered, closing his eyes as a light breeze hit his face, ''….this isn't suppose to happen...'', he mumbled quietly to himself.

''We all have our bad days'', Hellhammer said gently as he heard what the other man had said.

Euronymous kept quiet and just stared out the window.

_I don't have bad days...not like this...!_

_...so pathetic...so weak!_

_NO!_

''Cheer up man, tonight you're back in your own bed. Nothing's better than that when you're feeling sick.'', Hellhammer said with an encouraging smile that turned into a frown as he heard the door open behind them.

''Okay, I'm ready'', Varg said as he entered the studio again.

''I'm gonna get something to drink...'', Hellhammer muttered annoyed, walking quickly passed the bassist without looking at him.

Euronymous froze up when he heard the drummer say that he was going to get a drink.

_No, no, no!_

_Don't leave me..._

His heart pounded when Hellhammer left the room, leaving him all alone with the younger man.

''That's an awful looking bruise you've got there''.

The guitarist shivered at the cold, dark voice right behind him. He swallowed hard and had just time to take a deep breath before a pair of strong hands turned him around so he was standing face to face with the bassist.

''Hello'', Varg grinned darkly as he stared into the panic stricken eyes of the other man.

Euronymous breathed hard and tried not to cringe when the bassist's hands clutched him painfully hard.

_He's going to leave more bruises._

Varg smirked before he forcefully grabbed a hold of the guitarist's face and stroked his hand over the wounded skin. He smiled when Euronymous tried to arch away and felt his heart beat fast in excitement when the other man whimpered in pain.

''Varg...'', Euronymous growled, trying to turn his head away.

''Don't tempt me into making the other side of your face match your ugly bruised one'', Varg hissed, pulling the guitarist closer so that their faces were almost touching.

''Mind you...it would be my pleasure to do it of course...'', the younger man said in a lower voice, licking his lips and breathing hotly against Euronymous cheek.

Euronymous felt the sickness settle in his stomach again and he didn't know how much more of this he could take.

''...and with the way you are behaving...so naughty! ...and disobedient....'', Varg mumbled, sticking out his tongue to let it slowly lick over the cut under the guitarist's eye.

Euronymous's eyes widened in disgust and his breath caught in his throat.

''...it almost seems like you're begging for it.....'', Varg whispered, letting his tongue lick down the rest of the other man's cheek before pulling away.

Euronymous was shaking in anger and repulsion. Having the younger man's tongue touch his skin made his nausea grow stronger.

_I'm gonna throw up..._

''...am I wrong?....'', Varg continued to talk, giving the guitarist an almost mocking smirk.

Euronymous couldn't speak.

''...say the words Euronymous....say the words and I'll introduce you to a whole new world of pain...'', the bassist said softly, opening his jacket a little to reveal what he had hidden inside his inner pocket.

Euronymous felt cold at the sight of the glistening, sharp blade that was placed neatly inside the younger man's jacket.

''...a world you might never return from...'', Varg leaned in to whisper against the guitarist's ear.

Euronymous's lips parted in fear and he slowly looked into the dark eyes in front of him. He paled when Varg chuckled and felt unable to move or say anything when the bassist cupped his face again.

''Lucky for you I have other plans now...more pleasurable fulfilling plans I might say...that includes your beloved pet...'', Varg grinned.

It took the guitarist a second to realize what the younger man was talking about but when he did it was as if a new fire had been lit inside him.

_You will not hurt Dead!_

''You motherfucker!'', Euronymous shouted, finally finding his voice again.

''Why so angry? I'm doing this for you!'', Varg said, continuing to smile at the other man.

''The fuck you are you cunt!'', Euronymous hissed, writhing in the bassist's grip.

''What, you don't believe me? I swear that this time you will be the one to lean back and enjoy the show....'', Varg said, biting his lip at the stunned look on the guitarist's face.

''...and what a show it will be...'', the bassist murmured hotly, letting his finger's move closer to the other man's mouth.

''...can you guess what I will have your little slut do for me?'', Varg asked quietly and stroked his thumb over Euronymous slightly parted lips.

Euronymous's breath caught in his throat and he felt his heart shatter when he understood what the younger man meant.

_No...no!_

_You can't make him do it Varg!_

_You can't!!!_

He closed his eyes at the painful image of the frightened vocalist forced down on his knees with the larger bassist towering over him.

_It's going to break him..._

_...body and soul..._

_Dead!!_

Euronymous wanted to kick and scream at the man in front of him.

_...but he has a knife..._

''We'll talk more after'', Varg mumbled with a wink and let go of the guitarist before stepping back.

Euronymous gasped and turned quickly around again to inhale the fresh air from the still open window.

_I can't let this happen!_

_My sweet, beautiful little demon..._

A sudden present behind him made him tense up and brace himself for more pain.

_Don't..._

He almost jumped back when a friendly hand was placed on his back instead and a can of soda held in front of him.

''Thought you could need it'', Hellhammer said softly, sending the guitarist a small worried look.

''Thank you'', Euronymous whispered in a cracked voice, taking the soda gratefully and opening it with trembling hands.

Hellhammer took notice of the guitarist's slightly shaking hands but he decided not to say anything. He knew there was no point in discussing the other mans health any further.

_So stubborn..._

The drummer glanced at the bassist from the corner of his eye and saw that the younger man was getting ready to play.

_Asshole_

All respect he had for Varg had vanished and now he didn't even want to look at him.

_Or stay close to him..._

Hellhammer growled quietly in irritation as a feeling of disgust ran through his body again. It wasn't that he had any problem with the bassist potentially being gay, he didn't give a shit about that. The hot anger he felt was purely brought out by the fact that the younger man found it okay to so arrogantly place his hands on him and touch him like that.

_How DARE he!_

_If he tries that shit with me again..._

_... I'll break every bone in his body._

The drummer threw himself down in a chair and tried not to look at the younger man. Instead he focused his eyes on the guitarist who seemed to have pulled himself together enough to start the recording.

_He needs a break after this when we get home._

Hellhammer sighed when he thought about how they now were left without a bass player again and that they were all forced to stop playing because of that.

_Fucking ass shit...what the fuck are we gonna do...._

He wondered if he should find a phone to call Necro and talk to him to let out some steam.

_I'm so fucking angry..._

Right before he was about to get up however, his eyes suddenly lit up in excitement and he settled down in his chair again.

_Of course!_

_Necro!_

_We can get him back now!_

Hellhammer looked at Euronymous again who was deep into recording while Varg had begun playing.

_...but how can I convince Euronymous...._

The drummer narrowed his eyes thoughtfully as his mind began forming a plan.

_...we need a party...a big party...where Necro will come too..._

_...and then they'll have to meet....and talk..._

_...no matter if they want to or not...I'll make sure of it..._

Hellhammer studied the guitarist as he rubbed his eyes tiredly and looked miserably out into the room.

_...especially you, Euronymous...you will talk...about everything..._

_...I want the truth... so no more secrets..._

… _because confession time is coming up._

He felt the adrenaline pump through him and he couldn't wait to get the hell out of here and turn his plan into action when they got back home.

''Okay, I'm ready for you'', Varg smirked at Euronymous as he put down his bass after about two hours into the recording.

Euronymous blinked, ''...what the fuck do you mean?'', he snapped, sounding more angry then he wanted to.

He looked over at Hellhammer who just shrugged and sent him a curious look back.

Varg chuckled, ''Your guitar solo, remember?'', he said.

Euronymous growled quietly. He had totally forgotten about how he had promised to play on the younger man's recording.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it!_

It was too late to back out now. He had no good excuse not to do it and refusing it all would just make him look stupid in front of Hellhammer who had no idea why it would be so horrible to just play one small solo.

The guitarist sighed deeply and nodded, ''Right...I remember...'', he mumbled.

The last thing he wanted now was to be forever associated with Varg and his music.

_I don't want to leave any imprints or marks on this piece of shit!_

_Just leave me alone!_

Euronymous looked at the bassist and felt the disgust rise in him as the other man grinned back. He knew that Varg was thinking the exact same thing as he was.

''Euronymous of Mayhem, leader and creator of True Norwegian Black Metal...playing on my debut album....'', Varg smirked and sat down on the chair next to Hellhammer.

Euronymous had to bite his tongue so as not to lash out at the younger man.

''What an honor'', the bassist said, crossing his arms and leaning back with a satisfied grin.

Hellhammer rolled his eyes next to him and gave the guitarist a small, encouraging smile.

Euronymous gave a strained smile back and bit his lip before picking up the guitar. As soon as he started playing he felt his heart break a little at what he was doing.

_I'm sorry Dead....so sorry...._

He couldn't help feeling that he was betraying not only himself but also the vocalist who depended on him so strongly to stand by his side.

_And now Varg is going to violate him after..._

_...and I know all about it...._

Euronymous played harder as the sadness and anger clouded his mind.

_I can't stop it...I can't stop it...I can't stop it...!_

_...I'm sorry...I'm sorry....I'm sorry...!_

_I'm so sorry Dead!!_

The guitarist gasped quietly as he ended his solo.

''Impressive'', Varg nodded pleased and stood up from his seat.

Euronymous kept his eyes lowered as the bassist came over to him.

''It was as if I could almost....feel the emotions...'', Varg said slowly, leaning closer to the other man.

Euronymous began to tremble in anger, cursing himself for his weakness.

''So we're done now?'', Hellhammer piped up impatiently from where he was sitting.

Varg narrowed his eyes and stared the drummer directly in the eyes, ''Yes. We're done.'', he said shortly and moved away from the guitarist.

Euronymous was glad for the interference from the other man but he didn't like how it had clearly made the bassist irritated.

_Don't anger him Hellhammer..._

He knew that if Varg's mood would grow darker he would only take it out on the frontman later. Euronymous heart beat fast and he couldn't bare to think about that.

''Can we go then?'', Hellhammer asked, continuing to sound impatient and uninterested.

Euronymous watched how the younger man took a deep breath.

''Yes'', Varg almost snapped back, not liking at all being nagged at by the drummer.

The guitaris held his breath as he met the bassist's aggravated eyes.

_Shut up Hellhammer!_

''Good. I still have to pack my bags and I want to grab some food before the train. That kebab yesterday was awesome!'', Hellhammer said and licked his lips at the thought.

Varg blinked and then smirked, ''I'm glad you liked it.'', he said and kept his smile on as he began to pack all of his equipment down.

Euronymous breathed out in relief as it looked like the younger man was pleased by Hellhammer liking the food.

''Help me carry all of this out to the car, will you? You will of course drive with me back to the hotel'', Varg said, sounding more calmer.

''Yeah, sure'', Hellhammer answered and grabbed the stuff that was handed to him.

''I'm truly sorry I had to leave you all so suddenly like this. It has been a real honor playing with you and I really feel like I have gotten to know you all so well in this short time...'', Varg smiled at the drummer on their way out.

Euronymous kept his eyes down in anger as he listened to the younger man speak.

''...especially you Euronymous...my leader...I trust we might keep in touch...'', Varg said and turned to the guitarist.

''Right...'', Euronymous answered quietly back and threw the equipment he was carrying into the bassist's car.

''I was really hoping however to get to know the mysterious Dead a little better...'', Varg continued and got into the driver seat.

''Good luck with that!''; Hellhammer chuckled, placing himself in the backseat while Euronymous reluctantly sat down in the front next to the bassist.

Varg smiled and started the car, ''Yes...I've understood that he is somewhat of a, hmm, closed book if you may...not easy to get into and...open up...''.

Euronymous wanted to throw up at how Varg was describing the frontman.

''Guess you can say that'', the drummer nodded back, seeming more cheerful now that the bassist had apologized again for having to leave them.

''...one has to tread a bit careful with him...be more cautious...isn't that right, Euronymous?'', Varg asked with a smirk.

''What do you mean?'', Euronymous sighed and closed his eyes for a second.

''Not much...Just that you and Dead seem to be getting along. Better than the rest of us with him...you know... But I guess living together has made you two close....or what do you say Hellhammer?'', Varg wondered, sending the drummer in the backseat a curious smile.

''Uh, yeah...I guess...right...yeah...definitely close...they are very close...'', Hellhammer began to ramble as he felt his face start to redden.

''Very close even?'', Varg asked and let his smile grow wider.

''No! I mean, not very close!...just...normal close....like...normal....people...you know...being normal....'', Hellhammer continued to stutter out as he blushed more and more.

He had not expected the bassist to ask him about Euronymous and Dead's relationship to each other and his head had once again been filled up with images of his two band members together.

_Stop rambling you idiot!_

_This is NOT like you!_

_Stay calm...stay cool...stay collected..._

_Starting now!_

He stared intensely out the window as he tried to calm himself down while they drove through the town.

''So, uh, you're going to focus on your own music now?'', Hellhammer managed to ask after clearing his voice.

''Yes. I'm afraid I have to do that for a little while now....'', Varg answered and began talking about some of his future plans in the music industry.

Euronymous rolled his eyes and turned his head to block out the other two's conversation. He dreaded so much going back to the hotel and had to clench his hands hard together to stop them from trembling.

At the hotel room the Swedish man woke from his slumber and sighed deeply as he looked at the clock.

_Shouldn't they be back by now?_

_...I want to go home!_

Dead crawled slowly out of the bed to get himself a glass of water. His lower body was still aching and his entrance felt even more sore now than it had done earlier.

_Don't think about it...don't think about it...don't think about it...._

_Ignore the pain_

_Like you always do_

As he drank the water his eyes roamed over the items in the hotel room and they stopped at the little bag of raspberry candy he saw at the small table in the room.

_Is that...Euronymous' candy?_

He finished his water before carefully shuffling over to the candy bag to pick it up.

_Looks tasty..._

_...wonder if he mind me taking one..._

The vocalis licked his lips in delight as he popped one of the small red drops into his mouth.

_...or two..._

He quickly grabbed another one and sat down on the bed again, wondering what to do next.

_Maybe I should start packing...?_

He stared at the bag in front of him as he absentmindedly began stroking over his wrist, feeling all his old scars. Without being aware of it, his breathing started to grow heavier and the soft caress over his skin turned more aggressive.

Dead gasped quietly as a small, sharp pain hit him and he looked down at his arm to see blood streaming out from one of his scars.

_...shit..._

He thought about Euronymous and how the guitarist would hate to see what he had done to himself.

_I have to clean it..._

In his mind, the blonde man saw himself get up and go into the bathroom to wash his arm. In reality though, it was as if he somehow felt unable to move and could only watch how more and more blood poured out as he kept clawing at his skin.

_Stop it!_

_Now!_

Dead saw his fingers turn red when he let them grace over his old cuts. He licked his lips and shut his eyes when his arm began to throb.

_...I'm sorry Euronymous..._

The guilt tried to fight its way inside his dark mind but he pushed it away and grabbed his arm hard with his hand, screaming silently at the pain that ran through him.

_It's too good...too real...too hard to resist..._

_...this is me...this is what I am!_

_This is my pain!_

_Only mine!_

He was about to do it again when he suddenly tasted the sweetness in his mouth and he opened his eyes.

He had almost forgotten about the candy he was chewing on and his heart beat fast when his tongue moved slowly over the two sweets still inside his mouth.

_Euronymous favorite..._

Dead felt his eyes begin to water and the guilt he had tried to rid himself off came back in full force and hit him hard.

_I can't let him see!_

The frontman swallowed hard as a sob caught in his throat. He whimpered and stood up on shaking legs.

_What do I do...what do I do?!_

Just as he thought it, the door opened and he froze when he saw Varg entering the room with Euronymous and Hellhammer.

_No...please!_

_Please!_

He met the guitarist's eyes and he saw the look of confusion and anger directed at him and what he had just done. His heart beat out of his chest as it felt like all three of them were closing in on him.

''Oh crap, what happened? Did your cut reopen?'', Hellhammer asked concerned and pointed at the vocalist's arm.

Dead's eyes shifted around nervously, ''Y-yes...'', he mumbled, looking anxiously at Euronymous again.

''Go wash your arm Dead.'', Euronymous said in a quiet firm voice.

Dead nodded weakly and felt the tears threaten to fall from his eyes.

Varg shook his head in fake sympathy, ''Can't be easy...'', he said.

Euronymous turned angry around and was about to say something when Hellhammer interrupted.

''Agree...seriously don't get how he can handle it...'', the drummer muttered.

''…you are not into pain I take it then?'', Varg asked, trying to hide his smile when the other man cringed at the thought.

''Hell no!'', Hellhammer grimaced and shuddered as he pictured his own arms being cut open.

Varg smiled carefully in excitement and leaned against the bathroom door that the frontman had left open. He saw Dead turn on the water to wash away his blood.

''Hm'', Varg made a low sound to get the vocalist's attention.

Dead looked up and into the mirror where he saw the bassist's reflection stare back at him. The younger man's cold eyes followed him and when he was about to put his arm under the water, he saw Varg shake his head in one discreet move.

_He doesn't want me to clean it away..._

Dead hesitated in fear. By washing his arm he would be disobeying Varg, but if he didn't wash it then he would disobey Euronymous.

_...either way will make me a bad boy..._

_...and bad boys gets punished..._

The Swedish man's lip began to tremble when he was reminded of the younger man's threat on the train the day before. He was so scared of doing the wrong thing. Slowly, he turned off the water and met Varg's eyes with his own that were glistening with tears. The bassist only blinked at him before turning to the guitarist who was sitting in the chair.

Varg quickly looked at Hellhammer who had poked his head inside the bathroom to check if Dead was okay. He focused his attention on Euronymous and leaned down behind the other man.

''You will tell Hellhammer to leave and get his food.'', Varg whispered against the guitarist's ear.

Euronymous shivered as he knew why the bassist wanted the drummer to go away.

''Do it right now. Or else...'', Varg murmured softly.

Euronymous gasped quietly at the disgusting excitement he could hear in the younger man's voice.

''...hope it will stop hurting so much so you can get cleaned up before the train...'', Hellhammer said to Dead who was still inside the bathroom.

Euronymous wanted to ask what the drummer meant by that but the firm hand that was suddenly laid on his shoulder made him swallow his words.

Varg stroked over the guitarist's neck, urging him to talk to the other man.

Euronymous cleared his throat, ''Hellhammer...d-didn't you want to go get some food before leaving?''.

''Yeah, you want to go now?'', the drummer asked causally.

_Yes! Yes I want to go now!_

_Right fucking now!_

The guitarist wanted to scream the words out, but instead he said calmly, ''You go ahead. I'm not hungry''.

''You sure?'', Hellhammer questioned.

''Yeah. I'm good'', Euronymous answered and forced a smile.

''Alright then...Dead, how about you? You haven't eaten shit today!'', the drummer called out to the frontman.

Dead carefully stepped out of the bathroom and shrugged.

Hellhammer rolled his eyes, ''You two are so hopeless...I'm taking your room key! Be back as fast as I can!''.

Euronymous watched the drummer walk out the door and leave him alone for the second time that day with the man who made all his nightmares come true.

''No time to lose then'', Varg said and turned to the trembling vocalist as soon as the door closed behind Hellhammer.

The bassist grabbed the Swedish man's bloody arm hard and pulled him over to the bed.

''Varg!'', Euronymous yelled immediately, standing up from his seat when he heard Dead cry in pain.

''Sit down Euronymous!'', Varg yelled back and pulled out the knife he had hidden in his jacket.

The guitarist's eyes widened at the darkness he saw in the younger man's eyes and the knife that was held in front of the vocalist.

''Don't you fucking hurt him!'', Euronymous cried out in fear, taking one step towards the two others in the room.

''I said!...'', Varg hissed, grabbing the Swedish man harder and forcing him down on his knees next to the bed.

''...sit the fuck down!'', the bassist snarled and placed the knife forcefully against Dead's throat.

''Okay! Okay!'', Euronymous exclaimed frightened, holding up his hands in defeat as he sat down in his chair again.

He met Dead's fearful eyes and he had to fight down the urge to just run over and drag him away from the other man.

_...I don't stand a chance..._

_And Varg knows that..._

''Now, like I told you earlier Euronymous...this time it's your turn to sit back and enjoy the show...'', Varg said more calmly.

Dead's eyes widened in disbelief and the guitarist closed his eyes and let out an internal scream.

''...I'm so sorry...'', Euronymous whispered, still with his eyes shut tight.

''...what was that Euronymous? ...you're sorry...? For what...? For Dead's disgusting misbehavior?'', Varg asked in a mocking tone.

''...what...? No...!'', Euronymous opened his eyes and breathed out. He felt dizzy at the sight of Dead with a knife pressed into the skin on his throat.

''Really? Because I can understand it if you think that your little whore here has been a bad boy for not washing his revoltingly bloody arm...like you said he should...and that's not the first time he has shown disobedience...isn't that right?'', Varg questioned intensely.

Euronymous met the bassist's eyes and he knew that the younger man wanted him to say yes.

_He wants me to call Dead a bad boy..._

_...so that he can start his disgusting show...with my permission...._

He shook his head, ''...no...no...no!''.

_I'm not gonna say it Varg!_

_I'm just not!_

''Are you absolutely sure about that?'', Varg mumbled through gritted teeth and pushed the edge of the knife a little harder against the soft skin beneath it.

Dead gasped as the blood began to stream from his neck. It was only a small cut, but it made his heart slam against his chest.

_...this is it..._

_...he's going to kill me...kill us both..._

_...like he said he would..._

One tear escaped his eye and made its way down his cheek as he looked at the guitarist.

_This isn't what I want...!_

_...please...please...._

_...don't kill me!_

_..don't kill him..._

_This is all my fault!_

_Euronymous! I'm sorry!_

''NO!'', Euronymous shouted, almost jumping out of his chair again.

''I'm warning you Euronymous! One wrong move and I will kill you and your dumb blonde slut here!'', Varg growled, pointing the knife towards the guitarist.

Euronymous looked at Dead who had started to cry silently on the floor.

''Don't....don't kill him...'', he whispered pleadingly to the bassist.

''Then shut the fuck up and let me continue before that cunt of a drummer you have comes back'', Varg said threateningly

''...yes...yes....'', Euronymous choked out and settled back down again.

His legs were shaking so bad and he struggled to sit still as Varg smiled at him and began caressing Dead's tear stained face.

''Tell me now...is this hole as good as the other one looks like?'', the bassist said and grabbed the vocalist's chin hard so he could tilt his head up and stroke over his lips.

Dead writhed in the younger mans grip, ''N-no...'', he whimpered.

''Shut up!'', Varg yelled and slapped the frontman hard.

Dead gasped loudly at the unexpected gesture and cried out in fear when Varg held his hand up again, ready to strike one more time.

''P-please'', Dead pleaded and flinched at the thought of being hit.

''Quiet!'', Varg hissed and pulled the blonde man's hair roughly back.

''No!'', Euronymous yelled in panic when Varg was about to hit the Swedish man again.

''Answer the question then! Is he a good cocksucker or not? ...does he swallow like a good little bitch when you fill his throat with your foul cum?'', Varg asked, sounding more and more aggravated.

Dead felt his mind begin to panic as it became clearer an clearer what the bassist wanted him to do.

''Please, please don't!...Euronymous please!'', he begged and cried loudly when Varg grabbed his hair harder.

Euronymous breathed faster in fear, ''I don't know! Okay! I don't know!'', he shouted and felt close to hyperventilating.

Varg stared silently at the guitarist before a smile grew on his face, ''You don't know...? you mean...you've never tried him? ...Never had those precious, red lips wrapped around your own cock?''.

''No'', Euronymous whispered, hiding his face in his hands.

Varg let out a dark chuckle, ''What...are you going to tell me next that you've never wanted it?''.

Euronymous bit his lip hard and shook his head, not wanting to answer any more questions.

_Of course I've wanted it!_

_But he's not ready yet!_

_...I could never pressure you Dead....never!_

The guitarist had no intention to ever push the frontman into doing anything he knew he wasn't comfortable with. Dead had just gotten used to the level of intimacy they were having now and Euronymous had not wanted to ask the Swedish man for anything in retur until he saw that he would be able to handle it.

_As long as you let me touch you Dead...let me feel your body underneath my hands..._

… _let me see your beautiful face in ecstasy..._

_That's all I need!_

_I don't care about anything else!_

Varg grinned in satisfaction, ''How fucking perfect....How very, very kind of you to let me be the first one to fill Dead's virgin mouth...and have him taste a real man's cock...''.

Euronymous stared into the terrified eyes of the vocalist.

''...Dead...I p-promise...'', he whimpered through his ragged breathing.

Dead shook his head as more and more tears made their way down his face.

''P-please'', he begged and cried out again when Varg smacked his hand hard against his cheek.

The frontman whined loudly and raised his hand to grab his aching face.

''The fuck you will'', Varg growled and twisted Dead's hand away in a painful grip.

Dead sobbed in agony, ''Euronymous!'', he screamed desperately.

''I can't...I can't...I can't...'', Euronymous mumbled pitifully as he watched the scene in front of him.

''Hands behind your back. Now!'', Varg commanded and pulled roughly on the Swedish man's hair again when he hesitated to obey.

Dead's whole body was shaking in fear as he moved both of his hands behind him and clenched them together.

''You will keep them there until I say its over, understood?'', Varg hissed, pushing the sharp knife one more time against the vocalist's throat.

Dead swallowed hard against the blade and nodded.

''Good'', Varg mumbled softly and opened his pants.

Dead's breathing sped up and he let out loud trembling gasps when the bassist took out his erect cock and stroked it in front of his face.

''N-no...n-no...p-please...n-no...'', Dead whimpered and closed his eyes.

''P-please, p-please!'', he started to plead louder.

''Open your mouth'', Varg said coldly, ignoring the helpless begging of the blonde man.

Dead shivered and shook his head, ''N-no...I c-can't...d-don't..''.

''Open your mouth Dead'', Varg repeated, pushing the head of his cock towards the frontman's lips.

Dead's eyes opened at the small touch and he panicked, ''No! Stop it! Don't touch me!'', he yelled and tried to get away.

Varg's eyes raged in anger and he slammed the Swedish man's back towards the bed and bent his head so that it was pressing against the mattress.

''HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!'', the younger man yelled and grabbed the vocalist's face.

Dead whimpered and cried when the bassist large shaft pressed against his lips and forced its way inside his mouth.

He scrambled with his hands on the floor and felt his throat tighten at the sudden restriction of air when he couldn't longer breathe through his mouth.

''Don't even think about biting you fucking slut'', Varg hissed, holding the knife close to the blonde man's eye.

Dead breathed hard as he stared at the glistening blade. His body tensed up and his shaking hands found their way behind his back again in the straining position he was sitting in.

''Much better'', Varg smirked and stroked the vocalist's face.

Dead moaned in fear around the cock that was now pushed further and further in between his lips. The taste, the feel, the smell; everything made him want to throw up and he had never thought he could feel more degraded then how he felt now with Varg's cock buried in his mouth.

''Come here now'', Varg said and pulled the frontman's head up so that he was sitting in a more comfortable kneeling position.

Dead closed his eyes in humiliation and breathed hard through his nose. He didn't dare look at Euronymous, it was too shameful.

''Let's begin then'', Varg smiled and let go of the tight hold he had on the Swedish man's hair.

''I apologies for the rough start...'', the bassist said and caressed the vocalist's cheek, growling silently at the sight of the other man's mouth filled up with his cock.

Dead tried to turn his head but whimpered when his chin was grabbed hard.

''Are you ready to behave?'', Varg asked quietly and stared into the frontman's tearful eyes.

Dead blushed and quickly glanced over at the guitarist who was looking mortified back at him.

He lowered his eyes and nodded humiliated.

Varg smiled and stroked his hair softly before he began to thrust slowly inside the vocalist's mouth.

Dead immediately felt like gagging and he had to concentrate hard on not to choke every time the hard erection was pushed in and out between his lips. It felt like the cock was being thrust deeper and deeper into his mouth and he started to whimper anxiously.

''Now, don't think this is all you will be getting...I'm only doing this so you will get used to the feeling...'', Varg murmured and licked his lips when the blonde man on his knees let out a muffled sob.

The bassist stared greedily at the Swede's soft lips that were wrapped around his cock and he moved Dead's head a little faster until the frontman let out another choked sob.

''...aren't you pleased Euronymous that I'm not hurting your little bitch here?'', Varg smirked and turned to look at the guitarist.

Euronymous kept quiet and only stared in disgust and disbelief at what the bassist was making the blonde man do.

''Move your head now...that's it...'', Varg said and let go of the frontman's head completely.

Dead swallowed hard around the cock inside his mouth. He was terrified of misbehaving and have the younger man lash out on him again. The fear of being beaten was lingering deep inside him and it took him back to his old life where he was reminded of how no one cared and no one was there for him.

With his cheeks burning in shame, he began to bob his head up and down on the bassist's shaft. It felt so fucking degrading having to suck the other man's cock like this. He had no idea what he was doing but he kept moving his head while his face became soaked in tears.

''Looks like you are getting the hang of it here...'' Varg sighed in pleasure, ''Let me see that tongue of yours now'', the bassist demanded, holding the vocalist's hair back.

Dead whimpered and wanted to protest but he parted his lips and let his tongue lick shamefully over the head of Varg's cock. The precum he tasted made him gag and he knew the second he had done it that it had been the wrong thing to do.

''What was that?'', Varg hissed quietly and grabbed the frontman's face forcefully.

Dead wailed in fright.

''Are you gagging on me slut? Do you not like the taste?...is that it? Huh? Look at me!'', the bassist hissed and slapped the frontman hard.

Dead moaned in pain but kept his hands behind his back and raised his gaze to meet the younger man's eyes.

''Are you telling me that I taste bad?'', Varg continued, slapping the vocalist one more time, ''Because I don't think that's very nice of you'', he said in a hard quiet voice.

Dead cried helplessly and sobbed when another strike hit him and his cheek throbbed agonizingly. Before he got a chance to take a breath, the bassist hit him again and he whimpered loudly.

Varg began to repeatedly slap Dead's face as he shoved his cock deep inside his mouth. The frontman gasped from the burning pain the hard smacks gave him, and he choked when the younger man's erection was being pushed to the back of his throat.

''Varg! Stop it! You can't do this!'', Euronymous yelled, not being able to stay quiet.

''Really?'', Varg asked, looking at the guitarist with one raised eyebrow as he gave another hard blow to the side of the vocalist's face.

Euronymous cringed at the painful hit and he saw Dead's eyes close in discomfort and humiliation.

''Varg...it's his first time! Y-you c-can't!'', he whimpered and watched helplessly as Dead was abused on the floor.

_Varg you cunt!_

_I know you've only been waiting for a chance to be rough again!_

''What is it that you mean I can't do Euronymous?''. Varg asked, slamming his cock hard inside the vocalist's mouth.

''…do you mean this?'', he wondered, slapping Dead over, and over, and over until the frontman looked like he was about to pass out and lose his balance.

''...or this?'', Varg questioned, taking Dead's head and moving it roughly back and forth on his cock up to the point where the Swedish man's saliva began to spill over from his mouth after not being able to swallow it down.

Dead sobbed hard and felt his jaw ache more and more.

_Please...please...!_

_No more!_

_I'm begging you!_

_Please no more!_

''VARG!'', Euronymous growled loudly in anger.

''WHEN are you going to learn that YOU are NOT in CHARGE HERE!'', Varg shouted at the guitarist, grabbed the frontman and pushed him back against the bed like he had done in the beginning.

Dead panicked and was about to release his hands from behind his back when another hard smack on the face made his head spin. He could feel Varg bending his back painfully and pushing his head against the mattress before a hand closed over his nose and restricted his entire breathing.

_NO! NO! NO!_

_...I can't breathe...!_

_I CAN'T BREATHE!_

''Fuck you! You son of a bitch! He can't breathe!! You cunt!! '', Euronymous cried out in panic and watched Dead struggle on the bed with Varg cutting off all of his air supplies.

Varg chuckled and pushed his cock hard into the vocalist's mouth before holding it still. He stared into the blonde man's terrified eyes and felt how he arched and writhed underneath him.

''Varg!! Enough!!'', Euronymous screamed and felt dizzy again when the bassist pulled out his cock from the frontman's mouth and slammed it back in again repeatedly.

He could see Dead losing control over his body and his hands started to scramble and wave around, trying to find a way out. The Swedish man's survival mode was kicking in and the room was filled with muffled desperate whimpers and terrified sobs coming from the vocalist who was pleading for his life on the bed.

''Say it Euronymous!'', Varg said, pushing his hand even harder down over the Swedish man's face.

Dead felt his eyes roll back at the lack of oxygen.

''Say what?!'', Euronymous yelled in a cracked, scared voice .

He couldn't keep his eyes away from the horror in front of him.

''You know what I want to hear. Now say it!'', Varg hissed, fucking the vocalist's mouth harder.

Euronymous began to pant and he clutched his chest as he saw Dead's body start to go still, ''Please, don't hurt him! I don't know what you want!'', he pleaded.

''Bullshit!'', Varg said, smirking at the sight of all the saliva and precum that was leaking out from the frontman's mouth.

''Varg, I'm begging you! Please, stop it!! You're killing him!!'', Euronymous cried, sliding out of his chair and down on his knees on the floor as he clawed at his throat, feeling strong imaginary hands choking him.

_I can't breathe...!_

_My little demon!!_

He gasped loudly for breath and looked up at the bassist.

''...please...'', he whispered and saw with glistening eyes how Dead's hands stopped moving.

_NO! DON'T!_

_DEAD!_

''Wrong answer'', Varg whispered back with a grin, thrusting his cock deep inside the mouth of the almost unconscious vocalist.

Euronymous's eyes widened in panic and he breathed faster, and faster, and faster until it suddenly hit him.

''...I like it...'', he whimpered out quickly with a trembling voice.

''...what was that?'', Varg asked more curiously and released a little of the forceful pressure he held on the blonde man.

Euronymous's whole body was shaking, but he forced himself to look up an into the eyes of the bassist.

''….I like it'', he said in a more clearer voice, looking pleadingly at Varg.

Varg narrowed his eyes before he grinned at the guitarist, ''….you like it?'', he asked in fake surprise.

Euronymous shut his eyes and nodded, ''I like it!'', he whimpered and slammed his hand down on the floor.

Varg's heart was beating fast in excitement, ''Look at you...on your knees...begging so pathetically...what a sight...'', he murmured almost in awe, slowing down his thrust inside Dead's mouth.

''Please Varg...please...let him go...I just told you what you want to hear!'', Euronymous pleaded desperately, getting more and more scared the longer he saw the vocalist lying there without getting any air to breathe.

''Do you hear that Dead? Do you hear your great leader pleading for your life? ...Your disgusting, worthless life...? The life that should not even still be in existence!'', Varg shouted down to the unconscious blonde man as he fucked his mouth hard.

''...because you've had plenty of chances Dead! Plenty of chances to rid this world of your gross presence!'', Varg breathed out in a heated voice, roughly removing his hand over the Swedish man's nose.

Euronymous's eyes widened when nothing happened for the first few seconds until he saw Dead's eyes open in panic and he heard him try to inhale air forcefully through his nose as Varg was still filling his mouth with his cock.

'' ...you really should have died all those years ago...don't you think? ...unfortunately for all of us though...you are still here!...but maybe, however, what you hear now will make you reconsider it all!'', Varg said in a dark voice to the frontman who was back to desperately struggling to get away.

''Say it again!'', the bassist demanded, looking furiously at Euronymous.

Euronymous paled in fear, ''I like it'', he said quietly and felt the shame in his body when the Swedish man tensed and instantly looked at him in disbelief.

''What is it that you like Euronymous?'', Varg asked calmly.

Euronymous closed his eyes and bit his lip, ''...I like...what you're doing now...'', he whispered.

He stared into the frontman's red and tearfilled eyes, hoping that the other man understood that it was all lies.

_You know the truth Dead!_

_You know it!!!_

''Do you like watching Dead suck my cock?'', Varg asked innocently, thrusting his shaft hard inside the vocalist's mouth until the Swede gagged.

Euronymous looked away in anger, ''...yes'', he said quietly.

Varg smirked, ''...and do you like it when I slap your little bitch around...like the fucking whore he is...?''.

''Yes...!'', Euronymous forced out in a choked voice, clenching his hands together.

''Look at him'', the bassist commanded.

Euronymous lifted his eyes and looked at Dead who was crying silently with red, raw lips wrapped around the younger man's erection. He saw the shame and the anger in the frontman's face and he wanted desperately to look away again.

''Say it again...Euronymous...say it with all your heart...let him hear how much you really, truly mean it....How much you have liked all of it! From the very beginning!'', Varg smiled, pulling out his cock and dragging the blonde man up from the bed and down on his knees again on the floor.

Dead coughed and choked at the sudden change of position and he gasped when the bassist's hand grabbed him by the throat and forced him to look right at the guitarist who was sitting on his knees in front of him.

Euronymous's heart pounded hard in his chest as he stared into Dead's eyes.

_Dead...I'm so sorry!_

_So very fucking sorry!_

''I like it...'', he choked out and whimpered when the Swedish man sobbed brokenly at the words.

He knew it wasn't good enough though. He could feel Varg's eyes bore into him from above and see him tighten his grip around Dead's throat.

''I like it all!...Everything! ...From the very beginning!'', Euronymous cried out in desperate sorrow, feeling the guilt tear him apart as he saw the vocalist's eyes harden in shock and anger.

_I have to talk to him after!_

_Dead! You can't believe it!_

_I promise!!_

Euronymous felt his throat tighten and his stomach turn as he was reminded of how many times he had masturbated to the thought of the dark frontman crying in submission.

_It's not the same!_

_It's not the same!_

_It's not the same!_

He felt like hyperventilating again. Dead kept staring at him with more and more despise shining from his eyes and all he wanted was to scream in agony and reach out his hand for the blonde man to take it.

He suddenly heard the bassist's dark laughter from over his head and he looked at the younger man who was grinning down at him while stroking his cock.

Varg smirked, ''Good boy....'', he said softly, staring into the eyes of the guitarist who was breathing hard and painfully on the floor, ''...now swallow!''.

Euronymous' lips parted and he gasped loudly when Varg grabbed Dead's face and forced his cock inside the vocalist's mouth again. He thrust brutally in and out of the wet hole, not giving Dead any time to catch his breath before his mouth was suddenly filled with the bassist's cum.

Dead gagged loudly and tried to push the younger man away.

''I said; swallow!'', Varg growled and held the frontman's face still while he climaxed deep inside his mouth.

Dead kept gagging and choking unable to swallow down everything the bassist released. The whole lower part of his face became drenched in saliva and cum as it all began to drip heavily down from his lips.

''Can't take it all, huh?'', Varg smirked and pulled his cock out to empty the rest of his cum over the frontman's open mouth and lips.

Dead gasped for breath as he was released but moaned in discomfort when the cock was roughly thrust inside his mouth again.

''What do you say when someone gives you something?!'', Varg laughed, pumping his cock hard between the vocalist's lips before pulling out again.

''WHAT DO YOU SAY DEAD?'', Varg asked again with a raised voice.

Dead sobbed and cried, ''P-please n-no m-more! P-please'', he choked out in a hoarse voice as he was finally able to speak again.

''That's not it!'', Varg growled and slapped the vocalist hard before he let his cock stroke over the Swedish man's lips, dragging the cum around all over his face.

Dead wailed loudly and felt sick from the disgusting feeling.

''Please! Please! S-stop! P-please!!'', he begged and sobbed when Varg grabbed his face and shoved two fingers drenched in cum inside his mouth.

The frontman's muffled cries rang in Euronymous' ears and he felt like throwing up when he saw the bassist force feed the vocalist his cum. The guitarist gagged at the sight and he could feel the Swedish man's shame and pain as if it was his own.

_Tell him what he wants to hear Dead!!_

_Just do it!!_

''Let's try again shall we?'', Varg said and slowly thrust his fingers in and out of the frontman's mouth, circling them around his tongue and pushing them to the back of his throat.

''...what do you say when someone gives you something?'', the younger man asked again and pulled out his fingers that were now dripping in saliva.

Dead whimpered repeatedly and his lips where trembling so hard he could barley speak.

''...t-thank y-you...'', he finally whispered.

His throat felt so sore and his jaw was aching from being kept open for so long.

''...what?'', Varg asked teasingly, stroking his two fingers threateningly over the vocalist's lips.

Dead wanted to arch away but didn't dare. The tears blurred his vision and he had to swallow several times before he could manage to speak again.

''T-thank you'', he said in a broken voice and felt his cheeks burn in hot shame.

''Very good'', Varg whispered, stroking the vocalist's face softly before he pushed the blonde man hard down on the ground and twisted his head so that he was staring at the guitarist again.

''You fucking whore...'', the bassist chuckled hotly against the Swedish man's ear, ''Now, say it to the man who really is the one you should be thanking''.

Euronymous' breath caught in his throat and he swallowed hard when Dead's glistening eyes met his own.

_Dead....no..._

''...Thank you...'', the frontman hissed quietly in a voice thick with rage.

The guitarist felt his whole world collapse when the vocalist stared back at him with disgust and hatred in his eyes.

''...D-Dead...I'm....'', he stuttered before his voice gave out and he had to bite his lip hard so as not to scream loudly.

Varg looked at the two broken men on the floor. He smiled in satisfaction and licked his lips at the sight of the vocalist's face that was covered in sticky, dried cum. His eyes moved over to Euronymous who was on the edge of a break down and was clutching his chest to keep control of his breathing.

_The great Euronymous..._

_...stripped of his arrogance and pride..._

_...with his beautiful, submissive dark creature in front of him...._

… _so broken, wounded and betrayed..._

_...what a disgustingly beautiful sight..._

The bassist grinned at his work, loving the sorrow and the hate he could feel lingering around his former band members. There was nothing more for him to say or do so without another word he walked to the door, looked at the two men one more time, and pushed down the door handle to step outside the hotel room.

Euronymous barley registered Varg leaving them and closing the door behind him. His eyes were locked to the crying blonde man in front of him who was fading in and out of his blurred vision. Everything felt like a nightmare and he couldn't understand how he could continue on from this.

What pulled him back to reality was the sound of keys against the door and he suddenly remembered Hellhammer.

''...fuck...'', he whispered and breathed hard in panic.

''Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck''', the guitarist continued to curse as he tried to get up on shaking legs while his mind still felt dizzy and unable to fully connect to the real world.

''Dead...you need to...y-you need to...'', Euronymous stuttered and looked at the vocalist who was staring silently at the ground.

''Dead! H-he can't see...!'', he whispered and gasped when the frontman suddenly pushed past him and into the bathroom.

Just as Dead slammed the bathroom door shut, Hellhammer came in the door to the hotel room with a half eaten kebab in his hand.

''Hey, what's up....'', Hellhammer began and stopped abruptly when he saw the miserable look on Euronymous' face.

''Uh...are you okay?'', he asked, carefully sitting down next to the guitarist on the bed.

Euronymous lowered his eyes and nodded.

''..okay...where's Dead?'', Hellhammer wondered.

''Bathroom'', Euronymous whispered tiredly.

Hellhammer hesitated before speaking again, ''If you really feel as bad as you look like, then maybe we should stay one more night...'', he suggested softly.

''No!'', Euronymous cried out, looking almost pleadingly at the drummer.

Hellhammer moved back and blinked at the guitarist's outburst.

''Alright, alright...we're leaving today...just, uh, just pack your shit and I'll go downstairs and order us a taxi, okay?'', he said, trying to keep his voice calm.

''...thank you...'', Euronymous mumbled quietly, staring hard at the floor.

'''Hey...it will be okay...you know...whatever it is...just..hold on...'', Hellhammer said softly and moved closer to the guitarist so he could put his arm around him for a quick moment.

Euronymous tensed at the friendly touch and he had to fight down the urge to lean into it more.

_If you crumble now...it's all over!_

_Pull yourself together!_

_Like you always do!_

_So stay strong an stay silent!_

He clenched his jaw tight and breathed in deeply

_Hellhammer already knows something is not right..._

_...don't make him more suspicious!_

''yeah...okay...'', Euronymous muttered and forced out a small smile.

Hellammer smiled back before he ran out the door to go order them a taxi.

Euronymous looked at the bathroom door and waited anxiously for it to open. There was no sound to be heard from inside the other room and the guitarist's heart pounded hard when the minutes passed by and nothing happened.

''Okay, everything's in order then'', Hellhammer suddenly said next to him.

Euronymous jumped up bewildered.

_How long was he gone?_

_Why didn't I notice anything?_

_...and why hasn't Dead come out yet?_

''Dead's still in there?'', the drummer asked and pointed to the bathroom door.

Euronymous nodded and tensed when the other man knocked on the door.

''Yo Dead, we're leaving...'', the drummer called out and gestured at the guitarist to pack his stuff.

Euronymous' pulse was raising high as he threw all the shit they had taken with them into the bag.

_Come out Dead...come out now..._

He had to bite back a sob when he heard the bathroom door open just as he zipped the bag close.

''There you are'', Hellhammer said and felt his smile stiffen when he saw the frontman's red and swollen lips.

_Oh god no..!_

_Fucking christ...you've got to be kidding me!_

_Couldn't they wait until they got back home!_

The drummer forced himself to look away when his mind began conjuring images of the Swedish man giving the guitarist a deep blowjob.

_I thought Euronymous was suppose to be feeling unwell?!_

_...what is wrong with those two...  
_

Hellhammer cringed and cursed himself when his eyes found their way back to the vocalist's mouth.

''Can we go now!'', he asked in a strained voice.

Euronymous tried to catch Dead's eyes but the Swedish man refused to look at him.

''Yes. We can go'', he said quietly and watched Dead walk out of the room and down the corridors without looking behind him.

_Don't be angry at him_

_He needs time_

_Just let him go_

The guitarist wanted nothing more than to run after the blonde man but he knew that everything had to wait until they got back home.

As soon as they got into the taxi, Euronymous lost all sense of time and he had no idea how they all managed to get from one place to the other. All he knew was that during their traveling, the vocalist hadn't said one word and had kept his distance to everyone on the long train ride home.

When Euronymous finally found himself in the front seat of his car on the train station, he was shaking in built up anxiety and anticipation. The frontman's cold presence next to him felt almost suffocating and his hands trembled when he started his car and began to drive.

He was desperate to talk to the other man but Dead stayed silent all the way to their house up until the minute when they both got out of the car.

''Why?'', Dead asked in a hard voice.

Euronymous stopped in his tracks and turned to look at the Swedish man.

Hot, angry tears were falling down the vocalist's face as he trembled in rage.

''Why didn't you stop it?'', Dead hissed out through gritted teeth.

Euronymous blinked and found himself unable to speak

''I just...'', he began.

_He had a knife Dead!_

_A knife at your throat!_

''You did like it...didn't you?'', Dead choked out and wiped his mouth in disgust.

''What?! No! What the fuck Dead!'', Euronymous answered in disbelief.

''Bullshit!!'', the frontman screamed furiously.

Euronymous felt the rage build inside him, ''Are you fucking kidding me! You KNOW I had to say it!''.

_To save your life!!_

''Oh how FUCKING HARD that must have been for you! Forced to say a few fucking words!'', Dead sobbed angry.

''Stop it Dead!'', Euronymous hissed and grabbed the blonde man's arm.

''No! Don't you fucking touch me!'', Dead said and pulled his arm roughly away.

Euronymous breathed hard and looked at the frontman. He knew he shouldn't be angry at him, but he was so tired and was not ready to be met with Dead's hatred right now.

''Just, fuck Dead! Come on, let's go inside!'', the guitarist said and tried to grab the vocalist again.

''Stay the fuck away from me Euronymous!'', Dead shouted while his whole body trembled in anger.

''I'm not gonna leave you alone out here asshole! Who knows what the fuck you might be doing to yourself!'', Euronymous sighed loudly.

''What the fuck is that suppose to mean?!'', Dead exclaimed furiously.

''As if you don't know! ...fucking suicidal maniac....'', the guitarist mumbled.

''...what did you call me?'', Dead asked in a heated voice.

''How do you think it made me feel Dead? Huh? Seeing you with the razer blade above your wrist last night?!'', Euronymous suddenly yelled in a cracked voice.

''I wasn't going to do it!'', Dead hissed in defense and lowered his eyes.

''Why don't you fucking stop joking about it then!!'', Euronymous continued to yell.

''I'm NOT joking!!'', Dead yelled back, wiping his eyes to get rid of the tears that kept running down his cheek.

''Yes you fucking are!! Everything is just a joke with you, isn't it?! Your whole damn fucking life! ….And guess what Dead?! I'm tired of it! So fucking tired of your darkness and your depression and HOW EVERYTHING IS REVOLVING AROUND IT, AND ALL YOU CAN SEE IS YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN FUCKING PITY!'', Euronymous screamed at the frontman.

Dead stood in silent shock and listened to him.

''I've had enough of it Dead! ENOUGH!'', the guitarist roared and looked at the Swedish man.

Dead swallowed hard, ''...so you've had enough of me then....'', he said quietly and turned around without another word to walk in to the dark woods behind him.

Euronymous panted where he stood. He could feel the adrenaline rush through him and he clenched and unclenched his hands several times to try and calm himself down.

_I didn't mean to say it...didn't mean to say anything!_

_I was suppose to hold him in my arms...tell him that it was all over..._

_...let him know how sorry I was... and tell him that we could start again..._

_..but no..._

_...he just had to open his mouth..._

_...and so did I._

He breathed harshly and watched the frontman walk further and further away from him. He wanted to chase away his anger and his hurt, but he couldn't do it anymore. It grew inside him the more he stared into the dark woods where the blonde man had disappeared into.

With a last deep breath, Euronymous narrowed his eyes and turned to open his front door. He hesitated for a second on the door step, wondering if he should go after the vocalist.

_...fucking cunt..._

_...I don't care!_

The guitarist growled quietly to himself, pushed away his guilt and sorrow, stepped inside the house and slammed the door shut.


End file.
